A Lump Of Coal

I am a lump of coal.

I am lifeless and dull.

I have sharp edges

that were caused by

pieces of me being chipped away.

I was tossed into pile of dirt

where I lie hidden.

I have been here for a while

and it’s a dark place.

I don’t recognize where I am.

I hope to be found

before it is too late

and I turn into dust.

I was a diamond

but my shine was never seen.

Nobody took the time to polish me.

It was easier to overlook me

and settle for cheap paste

that looked good at first glance.

Cheap requires no effort.

No need to shape and hone.

It’s available to anybody

who will pay for company

and is looking for easy.

Anybody who can’t see the difference

between precious

and common

and is willing to accept trash

instead of class.

When the paste turns cloudy

I will be shining

from a distance

and you will be blinded

by the light

that you could never see.

Findings From My Youngest Daughter

I was packing things up to return to my children and I found a poem and a little note written by my youngest daughter.

The first one is titled:

“Things for Mom.” (This was written when she was 15. It was going to be a birthday present.)

• “When I was in girl scouts, we had a Halloween party and there was going to be a costume party.  So mom dressed me up like a motorcycle mama, like she was when we were younger, and I won the contest.”

•• “When we lived in Texas, and I liked Cabbage Patch Kids, mom made sure I had the sheets, the curtains and even painted a ceramic Cabbage Patch Kids lamp for me to have.”

••• “When I was in middle school we had to do a project where we had to carry around an egg everywhere we went for a week and mom painted a pretty face on mine and bought a basket with lace on it and made a satin pillow to go in it.  I had the prettiest egg.”

•••• “When I ripped my face open, mom made me laugh the whole time.”

••••• “She always listened to my dreams (and still does) no matter how long they were (are.)”

•••••• “When I was having a really hard time, not knowing what was wrong with me and thought I was going crazy and freaking out, mom let me rant and cry and told me ‘you’re going to live to be and old woman and are still probably still going to be beautiful’.”

Her writing was based on these events.

• I dressed her just like my costume (I won best costume too, years earlier.)  She had on jeans, a t-shirt with a pack of Losers’ cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve, rings on every finger, spike bracelet, a Hells’ Angels’ bluejean jacket with the sleeves cut out, a chain for a belt and I drew tattoos on her arms.

•• Her room was all Cabbage Patch Kids.  Sheets, bedspread, curtains, pillows and the lamp I made.  She loved it.

••• I remember painting a face on her egg.  I bought a basket, put lace around it and made a satin pillow.  Her egg was voted “prettiest.”

•••• She was out riding her brothers’ bicycle and started showing off for the neighborhood boys and face-planted in the ground.  I had just cleaned up and put on my pajamas when she walked in and said “mom.”  I thought my son had called her a name or something so I didn’t even turn around…I just said “what?”  Then I heard something hit the floor…like water or something.
I looked over and she was standing there with blood pouring out of her mouth.  I got up and laid her down.  She had grass and dirt all over her face so I started cleaning it off.  There were no cuts or abrasions and then I thought “oh shit.  She has knocked every one of her teeth out.”  I checked and all of her teeth were there so I couldn’t figure out where all the blood was coming from.  I pulled her lip out and it came all the way down.  I could see her chin bone.  I told my son to go get me some socks, jeans and a t-shirt.  I put her in the car and headed to the emergency room.  On the way, she turned her whole body around and said “oh, mom.  I think I broke my neck.”  I laughed and said “silly, if you broke your neck, you wouldn’t be able to talk.”  (Not true of course, but she didn’t know that.)  She breathed a sigh of relief and I made a joke like “this isn’t going to get you out of going to school.”
I got her to the hospital and called Loser.  He showed up just as they were getting ready to try to sew her up.  He left.  They had to take stitches and wrap them around her teeth.  She was tightly holding my hand the whole time and I made sure that she saw nothing but a smile on my face.  As soon as the doctor said “that’ll do it” she threw my hand down.  We used to laugh about that.
She had “de-gloved her mandible.”

••••• She would always call me and tell me about her dreams.  I call her son “Shoe” because she called me one morning at four o’clock to tell me she dreamed he was born and she didn’t tell anybody.  When the doctor gave him to her, he was a tennis shoe with big red lips.

••••••She has panic attacks and her sisters and Loser made fun of her.  I understood.

This poem was written when she was 22.  She had just found out that Loser had betrayed me.

Run, run, run away

It’s coming, it’s coming

Don’t give in today

Don’t let it win

Be determined to stay

Force your mortal skin to

To stay alive today

Force your mortal skin

To die another day.

 

 

I Am Buried Here

I am buried here.

Cars drive by but they don’t know.

Children play around me but they don’t know.

Sometimes people stand on top of me but they don’t know.

 

I am buried here.

I used to belong to somebody.

I used to have value.

How did I get here?

 

I am buried here.

Why isn’t somebody looking for me?

Why doesn’t somebody find me?

Am I not worth digging up?

 

I am buried here.

Maybe I should stay here.

Once I was shiny and new.

Now I am tarnished and old.

 

I am buried here.

I fell but nobody noticed.

I am lost but nobody cares.

After all….I am just a penny.

 

The Seven Day Challenge

7-day-challenge1I was nominated to do the 7 day/7 photo challenge by makingtimeforme.  This wonderful blogger has won multiple awards and each one is richly deserved.  If you haven’t already checked out her blog, please do.  She writes about a variety of things, and includes everybody in her posts.  She is a mom and a prolific writer but still finds the time to be a valued supporter of her many followers.

That being said and the challenge being accepted, I must disappoint.  I have no pictures that I can use for the challenge.  There was never a “family” picture taken which involved me, my children and Loser.  There are many “family” photos on my childrens’ and Losers’ Facebook pages but none of them include me.  They include the drunken grandmother and the WTC which is how it should be because they are now “the family.”

But that is okay.  If I had pictures of all the wonderful blogging friends I have who I now consider my family, I would be blessed beyond riches.

The Liebster Award #2

gold cup and wheat liebster

This is the second Liebster Award nomination I have received and I am just as honored as I was the first time.
Heartfelt thanks to makingtimeforme for the nomination.

RULES:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you
  2.  Display the Award
  3.  Answer 10 questions asked about you
  4.  Ask 10 questions from your nominees
  5.  Nominate up to 10 people for the award
  6.  Notify them via social media or a comment on their post

TEN QUESTIONS ASKED BY MY NOMINEE:

  1. What is your favorite blogging topic or inspiration?
    The inspiration for my blog was for therapy.  I had kept so many things inside after having suffered through a marriage to a narcissistic sociopath for almost forty years.  I decided to write about the experience.
  2.  What is your writing style?
    I would say it’s “flying by the seat of my pants.”  I had never written anything, other than letters and emails.
  3.  Who is your favorite book author?
    This is bad, but I don’t have a favorite author because I don’t read books.
  4.  What is your greatest achievement so far?
    I guess my greatest achievement so far is actually having survived (with or without functionality.)
  5.  Where are places you want to go?
    I would like to go to Ireland, Scotland and Israel.  I would love to see the Vietnam Veterans’ Memorial, the 911 Memorial and Las Vegas.
  6.  What’s your motto in life?
    Be true to yourself.
  7.  When was the last time you did something for the first time?
    The last time I did something for the first time was when I had a Margarita with Loser.  Not being a drinker, I got hammered and threw up all over his car.  Yay me!
  8.  I want to be known as someone who?
    Tried.
  9.  Sunrise or Sunset?
    It used to be sunrise.  I would hit the floor running after having planned what I was going to do, be it make a quilt, paint a room or cut something out of wood.
    Now, it’s sunset.  The day is over and hopefully, my thoughts will succumb to restful sleep.
  10.  Best ice cream flavor?
    Again, I’ll be a disappointment.  I don’t care for ice cream.  When my mama had given everybody a bowl of ice cream but me, I asked her if I could have some.  She picked up her bowl, said “of course your royal highness” and smashed it in my face.

QUESTIONS FOR MY NOMINEES:

  1. What is your worst habit or vice?
  2. What do you collect?
  3. What is the one thing that immediately brings a smile to your face?
  4. Describe yourself in one word. 
  5. If you were passing by an empty house and the door was open, would you go in and look around?
  6. What is the strangest thing you have ever found?
  7. What is one thing you always wanted as a child and never got?
  8. Would you lie under oath to protect a friend or family member?
  9. If you saw a homeless person being abused, would you intervene?
  10. If you had to leave your home due to a natural disaster and could only take five things with you, what would they be?

MY NOMINEES:

  1.  acovertnarcissistswife
  2.  LAA-lifeafteradultery
  3.  thesilencedwife
  4.  hownottohatemyhusband
  5.  sunshinelifeforme
  6.  survivednarc
  7.  creativerational
  8.  savingshards
  9.  learningtolivelikewater
  10.  samlobos

*I would love to nominate annasnow but she is not a blogger.  She has been a faithful follower and sometimes her comments would leave me literally laughing my ass off.  She is as sharp as a tack and her wit is unparalleled.  So to you annasnow…a huge thank you!

 

The Versatile Blogger Award

versatile cup
I was honored to receive the Versatile Blogger Award.

RULES:

  1.  Display Award
  2.  Thank the person who nominated you
  3.  Share seven facts about yourself
  4.  Nominate up to 10 other bloggers

A big thank you to makingtimeforme for the nomination.  Her posts show her sincerity and compassion as well as a delightfully playful side.  She has never posted a blog that has not held my interest to the very end and the variety of her posts keeps you coming back for more.

SEVEN FACTS ABOUT ME:

  1. I stand 5’5″ but with most of my shoes, I reach 5’10”.
  2. I have blonde hair (which is slowly turning silvery-white) and I have green eyes.
  3. I have a natural “beauty mark” on my right cheek.
  4. I have a tattoo on my left hip that reads “betrayed for a tramp…or two…or three.”  I have one on my right shoulder that reads “sometimes the person you would have taken a bullet for is the one who fired the shot.”
  5. I am left-handed.

MY NOMINATIONS:

  1. creativerational
    She is a sweetheart who offers endless comfort, support and encouragement even after her own devastating experiences.  She clearly thinks outside the box and wraps her arms around those of us who need it.  She will never fail or betray us and her words of wisdom are spoken out of love. She will never judge you or make you feel like you don’t matter.
  2. learningtolivelikewater
    She introduced me to “Pearl” (my crystal pendant.)  She is another sweetheart who offers the same support, compassion and understanding.  She good-naturedly accepts it when I slip out of character and say something completely off the wall and tries to gently guide me toward healing. She genuinely cares about others and shows it.
  3. savingshards
    She is yet another sweetheart who discovered that her husband had been living another life for 25 years, unbeknownst to her. Yet, she is always there with words of encouragement for others. Many times I have been uplifted after reading one of her comments and have therefore, made it through another day. She is truly a kind-hearted person.
  4. survivednarc
    She is an absolute gem who understands the damage done by a narcissist (as do so many women.)  She writes about “cyber boyfriends” and re-entering the dating world.  She quickly forgives me when my mind periodically strays to the “dark, smutty side” and finds the humor in my musings.  She loves my attempts at storytelling and encourages me in a way that I have never been encouraged before.
  5. thenarcissistswife
    She is a darling who understands trauma bonds and other effects of having been exposed to a narcissist.  She posts about how to heal and become whole again.  She extends hugs and hope to all of us and the desire to support and help is almost tangible in her comments.  She has a way of making you feel that you are important and valuable.
  6. samlobos
    Sam is a hoot, a holler and a Hi-De-Ho! She is a poetess and piques our interest when posting about her encounters with men.  She is delightfully honest and quite frankly, leaves us “wanting more.”  She is always willing to offer kind words of hope and understanding and has been a staunch supporter.
  7. robertmatthewgoldstein
    Robert is an insightful blogger who shares my abhorrence of the treatment of homeless people and the almost complete misunderstanding of mental illness.  He has experience with abuse from his mama and others.  He also posts beautiful artwork that will leave you trying to recover your eyesight momentarily.  He supports other bloggers by re-blogging their posts and gives open and honest opinions about things that matter.
  8. angelicakidd
    Angelica posts about life with an adoptive mama and the toll it took on her life, not to mention the physical and mental abuse she suffered from another source.  She has lived in Domestic Abuse Shelters and has struggled with alcohol but she is still able to see the beauty in things, such as the ocean.  She is a free spirit searching for healing and shows extraordinary strength by refusing to give up.