The Guards

This is the story of “The Guards.” It started out as an innocuous call, or so I thought.

We were dispatched to an urgent cardiac event at the Naval Base. Ready to beat feet, I looked at partner and said, “to the Naval Base! Isn’t the Naval base defunct?” Partner says, “defunct?” I say, “yeah, you know. Shut down. Out of commission. No more.” Partner shrugs and we carried on.

I’m flying down the streets, lights flashing and sirens wailing, and suddenly my mind turns to the dark and twisty. I said, “what if this defunct Naval Base is now being used for espionage, or illegal experiments, or maybe it’s used to house captured creatures from space!”

Work partner is cracking up as I continue. “What if it’s the president, or maybe the vice president has shot somebody else and they called us to come whisk him off, and pump him full of morphine so he won’t talk? Or what if we go in there and see those men in black and we’re never seen again because we know who did it?”

As we pulled up to the assumed defunct Naval base, we are cracking up. I figure they’ll think we’re too goofy to be a threat…or maybe that would be a perfect disguise for a couple of spies. Who knows?

I saw a little building and stopped. A little door opens just as I noticed a guard standing in front of the ambulance, holding a gun that was bigger than either of us.

The man in the little house looked at us, then looked at the man with a gun, and motioned for him to open the gate. The man in little house also had a big gun. He didn’t smile, or ask us why we were there. He didn’t even look in the back of the ambulance.

Driving on, I mention to partner…”that was weird. He didn’t even ask for our badge numbers or anything. How does he know that we weren’t hi-jacked down the street and someone else put on our uniforms?”

Literally, at every turn, a man with a gun was standing, directing us where to go.

We finally came to the end of the road, and were met by men with guns, standing on either side of the ambulance. They walked with us to the back, and watched us take out the stretcher and medical bags. They didn’t even offer to help! Chivalry is dead.

When we got into the base itself, there were guards everywhere. We were halted until four guards met us and escorted us to this huge elevator. They were like the queens’ guards. They didn’t smile, nod or speak. They just kept their eyes focused on us like they were thinking, “go ahead. Make my day.” I thought it was hilarious.

Being me, once the doors closed, I looked at one of them and said, “so, how ’bout them Mets?” Talk about the evil stink-eye! Let’s just say nobody was amused and thankfully, nobody was shot.

The man we were picking up was some sort of Rear Admiral General or something. With no clothes on, to me, he looked like any ordinary man, and he was a bit friendlier. He didn’t appear to be having a cardiac event, so I don’t know what the deal was. At least he answered the important questions like, “what’s up? What’s happening? Who’s your daddy?”

Getting him out to the ambulance was the same. Guard escorts with big guns everywhere. One of them even rode to the hospital with us…with his big gun. We never could find anything irregular about the patient, which leads me to think….maybe he was from outer space.