I was sweating like a whore in church. How was I going to explain why I was there and what I was doing? My wheels were turning and I was wearing out my brain, trying to think of some reasonable explanation.
I could picture my demise. “Hands up!” they would say, with guns drawn. “On the ground! Show us your boobs.” I doubt they would have said that but I was trying to comfort myself with humor.
“I’ll claim amnesia,” I thought. “I’ll tell the officers that I don’t remember who I am but I thought maybe I had left my shoes in this little building, so I came here to look for them.”
Or maybe I could claim temporary insanity. After all, I would beg…”someone would have to be crazy to go into a run-down, falling apart house or plow through waist-high weeds to look into a run-down, falling apart little building!”
Yeah, that would work…if it was the officer’s first minute on the job, or they had just fallen off the back of a turnip truck.
I started picturing the bright orange jumpsuits, leg-irons and my new best friend Helga, while simultaneously cursing my evil twin for having gotten me into this predicament in the first place.
Well, it would serve me right. I had trespassed, broken and entered, nabbed a doily, was prepared to purloin shoes from the little building and I had no defense, other than said pretend amnesia or temporary insanity.
“Oh no!” I thought. What if they tack on “grave-robbing? Shoe grave-robbing.” That in itself would render a life sentence. I was sure of it. I would be a jail-bird. I would be a long-termer.
It wasn’t the life I had always pictured for myself but sometimes, things just kind of go kittywampus, especially when you’re a convicted miscreant.
I was prepared to surrender and throw myself at the mercy of the officers. I was even prepared to show them my boobs, when I realized that the sirens were now in the distance.
They weren’t coming for me! I had dodged a bullet! I did a little happy dance and even forgave my evil twin by not casting her into the bowels of Hell.
Now a reasonably intelligent person, who had just had the bejesus scared out of them would pack up their ill-gotten booty and head for the safety of their own home…but there’s always that pesky exception.
With renewed fervor, I continued my quest to uncover those hidden pieces of history that bedecked the feet of people long ago, now gone back to seed. After filling three rather large bags, I decided to end my criminal ways, at least temporarily…sort of like my insanity.
To be continued_______________________