Home » A Wasted Life » Happy Mothers’ Day, Mama

Happy Mothers’ Day, Mama

You’ve been gone for more than nine years but I still think about you now and then.  I still carry you around in the trunk of my car although I rarely, if ever, remember that you are there.

For years, I searched for a proper urn to put you in but I could never find one.  Just a few weeks ago, I found one that would have been perfect but I was afraid if I took you out of my car, it would be bad luck.

I have always thought that somehow, since you never cared about me when you were alive, maybe you would care about me when you were dead.

I never thought it was disrespectful or maybe I didn’t think it was as disrespectful as it was when you called me a parasite or told me that I looked like a street-walker.

I remember that you hated the few times my daddy defended me and you would start calling me “your highness” or “your royalness.”  When he left, you would grab my hair and pull it so hard it left knots on my head and then you’d start beating me.

I have no idea where you are but I imagine that you are in Heaven.  God seems to forgive people who almost beat their children to death and think it was deserved and He seems to overlook the drunks who inflict their vicious abuse on somebody and never remember it.

In my mind, I can still see your long, chestnut brown hair, your porcelain skin and your ice blue eyes.  I remember how statuesque I thought you looked wearing your high heels, even after you kicked me between the legs and made me bleed.

I remember thinking there was nothing you couldn’t do.  How I wanted to be like you.

I remember that you never fell apart, even when you had to endure the devastation of losing your first son by my hands.

I remember that you never cried but I remember that you would beat me until I did.  Once you made me cry, I remember the look of satisfaction on your face.

You used to make fun of me when I cried.  You would smirk and say “that’s right.  Turn on the waterworks.”  Then you would beat me until I stopped. As determined as I was to hold back my tears, you always won.

I’m different today.  You couldn’t make me cry and you wouldn’t have to beat me to make me stop.  Now I can smirk when I say the waterworks have been turned off.  I will never shed another tear.  I win.

I remember how afraid I was when you towered over me and gritted your teeth.  I remember the fear I felt when I saw your clenched fists.  I remember how hard you could hit when you had a broom handle or a baseball bat or a belt in your hands.

Even when you weren’t armed with a weapon, your words became tools that inflicted horrible, invisible slashes.  The wounds were so deep that I could almost feel myself bleeding to death.

I used to wish you had been allowed to deliver what would have surely been a fatal blow.  A hammer strike to the back of my head would have ended my torture but as fate would have it, your mama walked in and stopped you.

I remember asking why you didn’t just kill me.  You said “because I don’t want to go to jail.”

I remember seeing such hatred in those ice blue eyes.  I remember asking why you didn’t love me and I remember what you said.

I remember your beautiful long fingers that covered my entire face when you slapped me.  I remember how sometimes, you would powder my face to try to hide the bruises you left.

I remember how you would look at my youngest daughter with that same familiar hatred in your ice blue eyes, because she looked just like me.

I raised my bright, beautiful, intelligent and talented children not knowing their grandmother and grandfather because you weren’t interested in them. They were mine and because of that, you thought they weren’t worth knowing.

I think you would be happy if you knew that I am alone.  I think you would smile if you knew that my children no longer speak to me.  I think you would be satisfied if you knew that I will get no acknowledgment for Mothers’ Day.

I think you would tell me that I am getting exactly what I deserve and you would say the reason is that I have never done anything to make anybody love me.  That’s why you said you didn’t love me.

I wish I knew the love of a mama.  When I broke my leg the second time, I wish I knew how it felt to be comforted instead of being threatened that if I broke it again, you would whip me.  I wish I knew how it felt to wake up and see you sitting beside my bed, because I was sick.

I wish I knew how it felt for you to walk into my room and say “time to rise and shine,” instead of waking me up by throwing a drawer of silverware in my face.

I wish I knew how it felt to be hugged by you…just once.

I wish all these things but they will never happen.  I won’t see you in Heaven because you damaged me beyond repair.  You, other mamas and other mamas’ sons taught me how to hate.  You, other mamas and other mamas’ sons taught me that I am worthless.

You, other mamas and other mamas’ sons taught me to despise the phrase “I love you.”  You, other mamas and other mamas’ sons made it impossible for me to be able to say those words to my children.

You never said it to me but other mamas and other mamas’ sons cavalierly tossed that phrase around after a violent outburst of soul-killing abuse, as if it could repair the emotional murder they had just commited.

I think I’ll borrow the sarcastic phrase my oldest daughter used in her last scathing email, when she made sure that her family, my family, her friends and I all knew what a worthless piece of garbage she thinks I am.

“Well done.  Good job.  You are the best!!”

54 thoughts on “Happy Mothers’ Day, Mama

    • It was all I ever knew…just like living with Loser was all I ever knew. It took a long time to realize it wasn’t supposed to be like that..but I finally did. Too late probably but I can always wish bad shit for Loser…LOLOL

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      • I hate that you didn’t have what you deserved. Maybe you should rewrite the story and make it they way it should’ve been 🙂. Keep wishing bad shit for Loser. Haha!

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        • You know, one of my counselors told me to write the story of my life, going back to childhood…and to make it marvelous. I couldn’t do it. I have never had an imagination and doing that would have required a remarkable one. I only have a remarkable memory. Sigh. And yes…we should all chant “I curse you, I curse you, I curse you.” LOLOL

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          • You have a great imagination. Maybe you could give it a shot. At least you just do that with a couple of the worst ones. Put it on here. You could write it out the real way then write it the way you wish it would’ve gone. The way it should’ve been. I’d read it! I still need to catch up on your current story….life’s been crazy around here. I need some time to catch up 🙂!

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  1. This is painful to read. I’m amazed that you have been able to be the opposite of your mother. You are a lovey woman who is such a strong survivor. 💙
    PS. I don’t believe everyone goes to heaven…

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  2. Your mother was horrible to you. Horrible Horrible Horrible!

    I am sorry what your children are putting you through. I wish life would have given you a better set of people that you could call family.

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  3. I think the most horrific things for her… I think of how much this damaged you. It makes me so sad. My mom had to deprogram a lot from her mom, who seems of similar sentiment to yours. … She left for boarding school and I think my grandpa figured out how to pay for it because he knew they would never survive each other. I think you need to try to tell your children you love them. Because it would be he ultimate triumph over your terrible useless mother. You ddidnt kill your brother. Other children cannot be held responsible for other small children. Your mother is a demon. You are amazing to have come out as you did. Strong. Courageous. Loving. But your kids need to know you feel it. Because you are not your mother. You always say they don’t care. Maybe part of the problem is they think you don’t. My mother was very proper with affection. She didn’t give much and didn’t say it much. My dad seemed to sense that I needed more so he let me have as many hugs a day as I needed. I know and understand now that my mom was sooooo far ahead from her past. That it took so much of her to say I love you and to hug me and to tell me I had value. Now I am so thankful and I tell her when I remember- I know this is so hard for you because of how you grew up. She just beams. I had a hard day today. Thinking about how I don’t have the choice to be a momma anymore. Its just not in my cards. Two or three years ago I would have told you I might have been pregnant right now. Or working on it. Now I’m hollowed out and empty and I don’t even have my own soul let alone someone elses inside me. And that’s something else I am not able to give my mom. She babysits for my cousins who live close and a have babies and more babies. She sends me pictures of these adorable gems that are sticky that I could probably stand for a bit. I don’t really yearn for kids. But I wish I could have done my part for undoing the harsh broken abusive shit in my family’s history. Or given my parents one grandbaby to snuggle. Mothers day is also the day after my mum in laws birthday. She liked it because she loved to be a mom. And now she’s dead. And that hurts. So mothers day for me was kind of like yours. A mother fuckin kick in the teeth. A day I will salute all the women who are more than I will ever be and I have to nod to a woman who loved me like I was her own even as her flesh and blood son paid for other women and ignored me like I was a cheap unwanted shirt in a pile of dirty laundry.

    I wish I could send you a card momma. I wish I could tell you how much I value your words and your wisdom in a way you would hear them for real, not through the self hate filter I think you still wear because your mom and loser and losers mom were terrible people. If I had a wish it would be that you could see how much you deserve thats good and how much the assholes just fucked you over. And then give you the good all again in one big heap. Because this is a wish so I can do what I want.

    Anyways. Happy mothers day momma

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    • This breaks my heart on so many levels. Coming to some kind of peace with your mama is the ultimate gift and having had a wonderful mother-in-law is icing on the cake.
      And NEVER EVER think that being childless makes you less than the women who aren’t. I must call bullshit on that statement.
      Were it years ago, I would have carried a child for you. I had a friend who desperately wanted one and I would have done the same for her but surrogacy was in its infancy then.
      As far as my children? I think the last email from my oldest daughter pretty much said it all. I was talking to my son when he was here and he mentioned the “hating dad” phrase. I told him that I didn’t want them to hate Loser. I just couldn’t understand why they didn’t. They have ALL agreed that were the situation reversed, they would indeed hate me. And when I mentioned meeting my friend…#4 went off the rails. Loser had been shacking up with that WTC for two and a half years while we were still marred (and he was still playing husband) and nobody cared…but #4 didn’t want to think that “mom” was spending time with another man… who treats me like I matter.
      Like my counselor said numerous times “you’re always defending him (Loser)”, I feel like I need to defend mama. She had all those children, lost her first son, had no money, no car and lived in three rooms. That of course, didn’t give her license to beat me but I can’t imagine what she went through. The one good thing she did, was make me determined not to beat my children and make them feel worthless. That doesn’t mean I didn’t lose my temper and yell at them and tell them that I was going to have all four of them put to sleep, but I never sent one of them to school with a black eye.
      Thank you so much for the Happy Mothers’ Day. Sam (samlobos) texted me and it meant so much to me. 🙂

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  4. I am pissed at your little shits for ignoring you today. You don’t deserve that Laurel! And where was your mom when the accident with your brother happened? Because that’s​ what it was an accident, you were a little child. How could she be so mean and cruel, I think maybe it was jealousy because she knew your dad loved you. Anyway Happy Mother’s Day to a sweet mother who was always there for her kids while dad… well we both know what he was doing!

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    • Thanks Ava. I’m not sure my daddy loved me. I think it was more that he felt sort of sorry for me. I know there were times, like when mama smashed a bowl of beans in my face, he thought that was unnecessary and spoke up. (I paid for it later.)
      My little shits…well, as long as they remember Fathers’ day…all will be well.
      The fact that I wasn’t expecting a call or text for Mothers’ Day made it easier. It was just another day. 🙂

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  5. This was so hard to read – you are the true definition of a survivor. I cannot believe the selfishness, cruelty of the people that surround(ed) you. But you will have the last laugh (or fuck you all) because you have survived them.

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  6. As some others, I did not want to click ‘Like’, but I did because I respect you in many ways. And you know I appreciate you as a person and wish good things in your life, truly I do. 🙂

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  7. I know God doesn’t overlook when people abuse others, but this world is a trial. As I know it, a bigger trial equals bigger reward, and I hope your reward will be tremendous and that you will be given an amazing place in Paradise. The reward might not be visible here, and your life on earth in terms of if your kids and relatives care for and love you as they should, is certainly not a sign of where you will end up in the Hereafter. And there is a special place for abusers as well, an abuser has to ask for forgiveness both from God and those he/she has abused, really really regret it plus trying to make up for what they did of bad towards others. You are a stronger person than your mother, it is a wonder how you survived it all these years, I would be proud of having such a strong, admirable, precious mother.

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    • That’s what I used to believe, but I want revenge to visit them NOW. What good does it do in the “afterlife?” And, you hit the nail on the head. All these “people” have to do is ask forgiveness and voila! Step right on in. People who rape, steal and murder live long lives and in the end, all they have to do is “ask forgiveness” and all is well. What about the people they wronged? The ones they killed didn’t get to do anything except beg for their lives.
      I’ve told you…I’m a little pissed at God right now.
      Your last sentence…means the world to me. I would be proud to have a daughter…just like you. 🙂

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      • Yes I understand that, I think most of us want revenge or reward now. In the Hereafter though you will reap the rewards for what you endured, but you will not remember anything bad from your life on earth. There will not be ultimate justice until on that Day. The knowledge of that is what strengthens the believers, knowing that God is Just and that everything is recorded in the book of deeds however little or big it is. And we will all be judged according to our deeds. And God knows our hearts, it’s not just about a word, as saying forgive me, rather it’s about genuinely regretting it and trying to make up for what you did, not repeating it of course either. You cannot apply that on your parents or Loser as long as they haven’t genuinely regretted what they did, which they seemingly didn’t. You have to separate it from each other, both when it comes to this life vs the next as well as regarding abuser vs abused. The abuser gets his fair punishment and the abused gets his reward. In fact the abuser will for what he did in this world either give a certain amount of his good deeds to the abuser or he will be given a certain amount of bad deeds from the abused, as a recompense for what he did vs endured. The thing is we have to believe that God is Just, otherwise nothing makes sense.

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  8. I can’t possibly like this. I just st want to say you didn’t deserve any of it. It was a defect in them, not in you. Why you had to endure it I have no idea. I’m glad you have crafted a stable life from it. We can all see how much you love your own children by how hard you’ve tried with#4,even to be able to put aside temporarily your feelings for your ex for #4’s sake.

    I’m honored to call you my good friend. Your mother, one sorry sick excuse for a human. 🤗🤗

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    • Thanks. I’ll add a little of my dark and twisty humor. Those little assholes of mine…who I sacrificed my entire young and middle life for…didn’t even bother to tell me happy mothers day! Oh, well. I guess I’ll just drink a Boost! LOLOL

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  9. I know this feel……
    Someway or the other I feel my family never stood by me and I had to deal with all my troubles by myself…..
    But sometimes people just can’t express their love to their loved ones
    I am sure, she loved you…..
    And I am sure you loved her as well…..

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  10. I wish they had an alternative to “like” on here. I do not like, I’m horrified. I’ve read some things you’ve written before about ‘her’, but I had no idea of the depth and breadth of her hatred and self absorption. She was a monster, proving the point that the outside does not always match the inside. As an old woman was she as ugly as her inside? I wonder. And I disagree most heartily that she or any like her (she has sisters and brothers you know, there’s one in my family actually) are in heaven – IMHO they go to a special place where they are treated as they treated others and it will go on for eternity too. At least you were spared that. I wish there were words to help heal your wounds, but I know that only you can do that. And I don’t blame you at all for hating these horrid people, but I will say forgiveness is a beautiful thing. For one thing it stops the monsters from having any more power over you at all. They can’t even invade your thoughts any more. Take care. Some of us see your value, even if you don’t.

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    • Thank you. Ah…forgiveness is not in my repertoire. Fuck that! It just lets them off the hook and gives them peace. As for Heaven, I imagine Pig-shit Loser and his WTC will be up there too. Instead of apologizing for the shit they’ve done, they just forget and call me insane. LOL This God person I know is a real hoot. 🙂

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