Home » A disease-Giving Husband » The Latest On #4

The Latest On #4

After I took #4 to the hospital and gave him a choice, he left and I didn’t hear from him again until Wednesday.  He texted me and said “I hope you are doing okay.”

I asked him where he was and he said he was walking toward my town. I told him to stop by the house (what was I thinking?) and we’d chat, if he wanted.

He said he would and I waited and waited and waited.  Finally, three hours later, I texted him and asked where he was.  He said “it takes five hours to walk there.”  I told him to tell me where he was and I would come get him.

I didn’t hear from him again.  Three more hours went by and I thought I heard the screen door on my porch open.  He was there and looked like he was walking away.  He was soused.  There was some car in the driveway, with a rather large man in it.

I asked him who it was and he said “my friend.”  I asked him if he was one of those friends who bought him booze.  #4 didn’t answer and I knew the question annoyed him.  He sat down and I asked him if he didn’t think it was time to go to detox.  He said “probably.”

I told him he could stay on the porch and the next morning, we’d go to the behavioral health clinic in town.  He said “okay,” and then walked out the door and got in the car with that man.

This morning, I got up and he was on my porch.  He was soaking wet and surprisingly, sober.  He apologized for “being late but he had gotten here as soon as he could.”  He was still thinking about the other day when he was walking to my house.

I told him he had shown up…drunk.  He didn’t remember anything.  I told him he had been beaten up and whoever did it, took everything he had.

Then, I told him that I thought it was really nice of the police station to allow him to sleep there after he had been beaten up.  That’s what he told me.  This morning, he told me he had been arrested and that’s why he was there.  Wow.  I’m glad I didn’t go up there like I had planned and thank them.

He said he had been in the hospital last night and had walked to my house in the rain.  Again, I asked him if he didn’t think it was time to go to detox.

His stomach had been hurting and like always, he drinks to ease the pain. Again, he said “probably.”  He asked me what day and time it was.  He said he had an appointment with “Steve.”  The psychiatrist at the behavioral health center is named Steve.  I asked him if he wanted me to go with him but he said no.

I asked him where he had been the last few days.  He didn’t know.

I found out that Steve is a man at some cafe in town.  He goes up there and talks to him.  I had to control my anger when I said “so you can’t keep an appointment with somebody who could possibly help you but you can keep an appointment with some man you met at a cafe?”  I asked him if this Steve gave him money for booze.   He said no.

I asked him if he would come back so I could get him some help.  He said he would “definitely be back.”

I waited two and a half hours before I went looking for him.  I went to the cafe and talked to a very nice woman named Ann.  Steve is her husband. They run a cafe, where you can get free coffee and snacks.  They ask for donations but never turn anybody away.  A young girl was sitting on the ground outside.  She was homeless but asked me if I was okay.

Ann was familiar with #4.  She said “he just looks so lost.”  Then, she told me that what he talks about is how much he hates me…for destroying the family.  She asked me a little about the “situation” and yes…I destroyed the family and our marriage because I wouldn’t let a piece of pig-shit love his tramp and treat me like his whore.  I didn’t say that to her of course, but the bottom line is that I did destroy the family when I left Loser. Nothing is Losers’ fault.

Everybody who has talked to #4 has said the same thing.  “He’s trying to drink himself to death to punish his dad.”  I know that and have talked to #4 about it.  It’s difficult but I told him that Loser wouldn’t care.  I reminded him that Loser called his sister and told her to tell me to throw him out on the street…in 15Β° weather.  At best, Loser would look at the WTC, wipe his brow and say “whew.”  Ann believes the same thing.

After our chat, I headed home and there was a strange car parked on the street beside my house.  I pulled up behind it, wondering who it was.  The screen door opened and what looked to me like a punk kid drug dealer walked down the steps and came walking toward me.  I was just about to throw my car in reverse, when he identified himself as an undercover police officer.

He had picked up #4 outside a grocery store in the next town.  He said #4 wanted him to come tell me what happened.  He was arrested…again for open container and public drunk.

This young mans’ name was officer Griffin.  He said they almost brought him home but discovered that he kept doing the same thing.  He suggested that I get him involuntarily committed.

The police officers here are the nicest people I have ever encountered.  They have brought #4 home three times to keep from taking him to jail.  They have never expressed concern that #4 is a nuisance.  They express concern that he might step in front of a car or fall down and seriously injure himself.

I called the Mental Health Clinic and they told me to come talk to them, although it didn’t sound promising.  It’s in another town about a half-hour away.  I was the only one there for a while and then somebody opened the gates.

My phone won’t ring for weeks at a time but when I’m out somewhere, it rings.  Ann, from the cafe called to see if I had found #4.  I went outside so I wouldn’t disturb anybody and here came the men….smoking and coughing up a lung.  One of them came over and asked if I was single.  Another one asked if I’d like to go have a drink “after.”  Are you fucking kidding me? Sure….I obviously look like a party girl.

I was finally called in and John, the counselor told me there was nothing he could do for me…especially since #4 was in jail.  He told me that if I went to get him or if he came here, to call them back and they would try to help but #4 had to present a danger to himself or somebody else.  I know that.  I used to run EMS.  I also know that I could lie and use the system but I’m not going to do that (although I am so desperate, it had occurred to me.)

I guess I will see what happens when he gets out.  Officer Griffin said he could possibly get out this afternoon, if he was sober.  If not, it will be tomorrow morning.

I wish I could cry.  I wish I could scream.  I wish I could eat.  I wish I could sleep.  Mostly, I wish I could spit in Losers’ face.

Ha.  I moved to an idyllic little town, where your neighbors speak when they walk by or throw out an arm when they drive by and I am now known as the mama of the town drunk.

38 thoughts on “The Latest On #4

  1. I’m so sorry. This sounds so emotionally draining but I have nothing to offer to ease your worry. I’ll just pray he wants rehab bad enough to go and let it help him. You’re a good mother. I hope you know that.


    • He’s in detox right now and he has promised to start going to the Behavioral Health Clinic as soon as he gets out…but it costs money. I have already spent thousands on him…somebody needs to pay for his drugs (antabuse, which is expensive) and the fees for the counseling. I actually had a lapse of good judgment and thought about asking his sperm donor to split the cost with me but then I slapped myself and reminded myself of who I was talking about. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

        • It’s going to be an impossibly hard road for him. He’s been a drunk for twenty years. I don’t know why it got so much worse when he came here. I truly believe he thinks if he drinks himself to death, his daddy will feel bad…the daddy who will never answer his phone when #4 calls…the daddy who told me to throw him out on the street…the daddy who called him a worthless piece of shit.
          Oh, well. All his daddy ever really wanted was a “IV”…from #4, to carry on that putrid, vile, trashy name. 😦


          • I hope he has the strength to do it and finds out he has worth without his father’s approval. I can’t imagine how hard it is.

            I fear this for my children. To always be looking for their dad’s approval that they’ll never get.


            • I waited until I knew he was somewhat “safe” and then I think my body gave out. I’m as sick as a dog. I know that “stress kills” and you can literally “worry yourself sick”…I think that’s what I did.
              Like I’ve said so many times…..I wish I was more like Loser. He just doesn’t give a shit…and he’s sure as hell not going to get sick over worrying.


              • Oh no! Get some rest and hopefully you’ll start feeling better. I was just saying today to one of my friends that I wish I could just have a day off from caring too much! Stress is awful!


                • He called me yesterday…drunk. He left detox and said he wanted to “come home.” I told him to call Loser and ask him to offer comfort and support….for a change.
                  Then he asked me if I’d brink his phone to him….an hour away….and me, sick as a dog.
                  “Sure Loser, jr. I’ll get right on that…after all it IS all about you.”
                  Sorry…feel like crap. πŸ˜₯


    • It is but my ex and his mama were alcoholics. I really didn’t give a shit if either one of them drank themselves to death…and if they’re both been drinking a total of 110 years combined, I’d say there’s little chance. But my son never really had a chance…nor did he have a loving daddy to explain the dangers of drinking. He just had a daddy who yelled and screamed at him and made him feel exactly how he described him when he said “you’re a worthless piece of shit.”


      • I guess if there’s such a thing as “evil” its probably addiction related – jeez, I wish life didn’t have such tough lessons, I think it tells us something about our deeper nature, or is it just some bad side of us, which has to be overcome?


        • I think in my sons’ case, it’t a matter of having inherited some pretty strong alcoholism genes….from his daddy and his daddys’ mama. Talk about evil? Those two are evil incarnate.


  2. 😟😳 so very sad! There isnt enough help in society for your son. I wish there were some stricter laws. Here, in the 80’s, you could get commited to a rehab for 6 months, if you were hurting yourself this much with dtugs/alcohol…. the law is still in use, but it is extremely rarely used these days, cause government dont wanna payfor treatment πŸ˜₯
    I am sorry you are in this mess β€πŸ’™


    • There are acts here (Baker and Marchman) but they only hold the person for 48 hours and then they’re back on the street again. Those can only be enacted if there is proof that the individual has openly threatened suicide and it must be reported within 24 hours. I know how the system works and I could easily lie and tell them that he threatens to kill himself but I won’t. He’s in detox right now. I think it’s between 3 and 5 days. Who knows if it’s going to do any good? I guess we’ll see. 😦


      • Good that he is in detox! But a longer treatment plan in some rehab would likely be even better. Hard to get him to go to such a place I can understand that. I keep my fingers crossed that he wants to change his lifestyle completely now.πŸ’™πŸŒΉ


        • He has been several times in every rehab place from North Carolina to Florida. He can usually do the thirty days but as soon as he gets out…he starts drinking again.
          I just cannot imagine how it feels to be willing to do…or steal anything…for a drink. Sigh.

          Liked by 1 person

          • 😳 I see. Seems like he would benefit from an even longer stay. Here they have rehabs but for longer time, they go in for 3-6 months. Involuntarily sometimes. Although government are cutting down on these things because it costs a lot of money..
            I understand you must be exhausted! Can you ask your son one last time “if he is willing to turn it all around, since you want to see him stay alive” ? Or if you have, what does he say? Hugs 🌹


            • His answer to every question is the same as it is when he’s hammered….”sorry mom.” I think he does really want to quit but the alcohol has too tight a grip on him. He drinks to numb the pain… in his heart and his stomach. Sigh.


              • But, if he wants to quit then why can he not go on one of those 2 medications that make you not be able to drink/ one is so that you “can not drink” physically, and the other is more of the kind that takes away the physical craving (perhaps that one is even “milder”, but it still works, you don’t get the craving.. i have no idea what they are called in english..).
                Also, he could go on antidepressants and talk therapy, for his pain.. if he really wanted to! I hope he will.
                I really do!! 🌹


                • He has to find a doctor who will prescribe the drugs. Doctors don’t see you for free. The drugs aren’t free…actually they’re very expensive. Rehab that’s really worth a crap is expensive.
                  With no help from his sperm donor, I can’t spend every penny I have on him…and it’s for sure he won’t help.
                  The center that wants to help him even costs money. I told #4 that I felt like if I started paying all those expenses, along with buying his food, clothes and cigarettes, it would be like throwing the money out in the back yard. He owes several thousand dollars to the city…for the public drunk charges. UGH.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Gaah my response disappeared. I understand there are huge costs involved for a situation like this, where you live. I forget that all the time, since it is different here… health care and meds isnt really something that costs us much since we pay so much tax that we get a lot of it to a very low cost when we are at the doctor’s… I wish you guys lived over here, so you would have those same conditions. It sickens me that health care is so unequal around the world. I completely understand that it is not possible for you to carry all the costs regarding your adult son, that is not doable or reasonable. I will keep my fingers crossed that he keeps on a good path from now on🌹


  3. It’s not your fault, no matter what he says to you or others. He is hiding behind those statements, it feeds his addiction and it’s obviously easier to hurt someone who’s always there for you than to hurt someone who doesn’t even care if you’re alive or dead. Loser destroyed the family in many ways, you opted out of his destruction, while the rest of him still rather walk in his wake than start rebuilding what he broke and keeps broken. Kudos to you for staying strong, hopefully he will get it that you are the only one actually caring, that he needs to start caring for himself and you and that he needs to do the work necessary. No one in their right mind can say that you haven’t tried, nor can they say that you haven’t cared, nor can they say that you broke what someone else already had broken, while they refused to see the cracks.


  4. So what about the involuntary committal. I’ve waxed long about my thoughts about what “I” would do in your situation, now it comes down to what are YOU going to do about it? You don’t HAVE to take any of this at all if you don’t choose to. And maybe it’s impossible to turn your back on a kid, even if they stab you in it again and again and again. You came to my mind the other night when some neighbors and I were talking in my yard and the woman opposite across the cul-de-sac got a visit from two cops in an unmarked car. Pretty soon two men from church showed up too. She has a son who is in his early 40s and who is a chronic drug addict. She is an enabler. People have told her to kick this man’s ass to the curb (she has M.S.) and let him take care of himself, but she never does and he’s always back at her house again in a few weeks. She’s been beaten and robbed and called all names under the sun. He sells her things to finance his addiction. And I have to wonder WHY? Maybe it’s because I’m missing that maternal instinct or something, but I just don’t get it.

    I’m saying a prayer for you. I hope things improve.


    • I don’t know why we do it. I still see my little boy in his face. He was on my porch again yesterday. I went out and talked to him. He said he thought it was time to go to detox. I agreed. Then, I asked him if he had walked all the way here from jail. He said he had come from “his friends” house and hadn’t been in jail. He argued with me for half an hour…saying he hadn’t been in jail. He had the paperwork from the officer, along with the date and the fine. He declared that the officer had made a mistake…on purpose. I laughed and said I was going to call the precinct and tell them they needed to get officer Griffin a calendar.
      I had him call the detox center and fortunately, they had one bed available. They asked him to be there by 12:30. I told him I would drive him and he said “I may need to drink before we go.” I told him if he needed to drink, call his drug buddies and have a party and then get them to take him (which was over an hour away.)
      I got him there and after I left, about ten miles into the drive home, I thought “I AM EXHAUSTED.” I thought last night would be the best rest I have gotten in more than eight weeks…but I was up all night again. I entertained the idea of getting some sleeping pills but I really don’t want to go that route. I guess sleep will eventually come…hopefully, anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sorry for your situation with your son – please make sure you take care of yourself, that’s the most important thing. My ex is a lot your son – mid-thirties, cirrhosis, won’t stop drinking/using, just has me left.


  6. Oh honey, this sounds so stressful. If you said he’s a danger to himself or others, you wouldn’t be lying. He puts himself in danger every time he drinks and you have been frightened that he would hurt you while he was drunk. Sending you my loveπŸ’™

    Liked by 1 person

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