Home » A disease-Giving Husband » He’s Gone

He’s Gone

I had to take my son to the hospital yesterday.  He thought he was having a heart attack.  I knew it was the DTs.  His blood pressure was high and his heart rate was up but he wasn’t in SVT.  He was shaking uncontrollably and sweating profusely.

The doctor came in and told him it was time for him to go to detox.  Of course, #4 agreed.  You tend to agree to anything when you think you’re dying.  He promised the doctor and me that he would go.

He didn’t tell me that he was supposed to call the detox place this morning at 8.  I finally got him to get up at noon.  That’s when he told me.  I kept asking him to call and he kept procrastinating.

He finally called and they had a bed that would be available at 11:00 tonight.  He asked them if he could smoke while here was there….are you fucking serious?  They told him no but they would give him a patch.

He kept hemming and hawing and I could hear the lady tell him that she didn’t think he wanted to go but for him to talk to me and then call her back.

I reminded him that he told me he would go but he said he had an appointment tomorrow morning with “those people” who would let him see a counselor.  I reminded him that the first thing “those people” said to him was “you need to go to detox.”

I gave him a choice.  Go to detox or pack his duds and leave.  He came in and started washing the dishes and then told me he wanted to shower and wash his clothes.  I told him he didn’t need a clean body or clean clothes to be homeless.

It almost crushed me when I saw the look on his face.  I could still see that little boy from so many years ago when mean mama told him he couldn’t jump off the roof into the swimming pool.

He packed as many clothes as would fit into a backpack that he got somewhere…I don’t know where.  Maybe he traded some of my jewelry for it.  He asked me for some money.  I told him he had already stolen all the money I had but I still had a bottle of Vodka that I took off of him when he came home so drunk the other night.

He asked me why I didn’t pour it out and I told him that he was being so volatile and belligerent, I was afraid that if I poured it out in front of him, he might have really hurt me.

He said he wanted it.  I gave it to him and I will say, I was amazed when he opened it and poured it out.

I asked him if he realized what he was doing.  “You are giving up a place to stay, food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in, all because you refuse to do something for yourself.  You want me to do everything for you but you won’t do anything for me…like go to detox so you can maybe have one more shot at sobriety.”  He just said “yeah.”

He said he would probably call Loser, although he never answered when he did.  Yep.  I’m sure Loser will come through for him…like always.

I gave him twenty dollars and he walked down the street.

Will I be able to do anything for the rest of the day?  Probably not.  Will I be able to sleep tonight?  Probably not.  If something happens to him, will I feel like it’s my fault for putting him out?  Goddamn right I will.

69 thoughts on “He’s Gone

  1. I am at a loss for words. I feel so bad for you and your son as he goes through this terrible addiction. I hit “like” just to show support and to second the comments from your other caring readers. I pray for health and healing for him and peace to both of you. So many people are standing with you emotionally as you deal with this everyday. Sorry if this is badly worded…typing on my cellphone while holding a squirming baby is no easy task. Hugs.

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  2. I’m sorry you are going through this. I can’t even imagine how hard it was to tell him to leave, only for him to return the next day drunk. Whatever happens, I hope you know that you have done all you can do to help him, the rest is up to him. Sending love💙

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    • Thanks Sam. I just wish he could sober up and talk to Loser. Everybody who knows #4, knows he has “daddy issues.” He needs to confront him about the things he says…but I think #4 is still afraid of him…and rightfully so. Sigh.

      Liked by 1 person

        • True. I don’t know why I have these lapses of good judgment…or maybe it’s perennial hope…that Loser would actually give a shit about his only son.
          I imagine when #4 dies, Loser will become the wonderful, loving father he wants the tramp to think he is. He’ll put on the grieving facade and act like he gave a shit…that is, after I handle everything.

          Liked by 1 person

    • He was on my front porch this morning, drunk. He kept his appointment with the clinic but he just came back and wanted to take my trash out. WTF? I had already taken my trash out. He has no idea where he is right now. He just wobbled back down the street…saying the phrase that I have said so many times I HATE….”I love you.” I DESPISE THAT. Let’s all treat mom like shit and then throw the I love you’s at her. She’s a stupid Southern corn pone…she’ll fall for it…and then she’ll feel real guilty for not saying it back.

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        • The clinic just called me and said he was mean and resistant. He got mad and left. There’s nothing they can do to force him into detox, which is where they said he needs to go. I imagine he’ll come back here.
          I even thought about emailing pig-shit and telling him I needed help with him….but he was the one who told my youngest daughter to throw him out on the street….as long as he doesn’t have to deal with him. everything’s jake as far as he’s concerned.

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            • They won’t have anything to do with him. They have all tried to help him but he has screwed them all over. They’re done with him. His youngest sister can sometimes calm him down but he is abusive to her most of the time…when he’s drunk. She has a problem with alcohol as well but she’s like Loser….a functioning alcoholic.

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  3. My heart breaks for you, you are going through hell for this boy. I’ve been following but didn’t want to just ‘like’ without commenting because this is so big. You’ve done so much for him LWL, and while I know you’d feel guilty if something happened to him now (even though it would absolutely not be your fault – your mind knows it but your heart thinks differently), i truly believe you’ve done the best for him by letting him go. If you don’t, you’d enable him to keep going deeper. But I also want to say, I think it’s amazing that he pouted the vodka out himself. I think that scene was a milestone: when he asked about it, and why you didn’t pour it out and you told him you were scared of him. I think that must have been an eye opener. When your own mama is terrified of you. My heart goes out to you LWL. I think if you a lot these days. Hang in there. He’ll get there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I let him go but he keeps coming back. He was on my porch this morning, drunk. He just came back again, wanting to take my trash out. I had already taken it out.
      He kept his appointment at the clinic and told me they said he would have to come in every day. Where is he going to stay in the meantime? Apparently, he walked to another town (maybe trying to get to Loser and the tramps’ house) and it took him four hours to get back. He said he came here so the police wouldn’t get him.
      He poured the Vodka out to placate me…to make me think he wasn’t going to drink. He had a huge beer in his backpack and he wouldn’t let me have it. He had already downed his regular two or three pints before he got here.
      He thinks the clinic is going to give him some magic pills…or depression and anxiety and everything will be golden.
      It’s going to be hard to tell him he can’t keep coming here. He left his phone charger and I made him take it. This is not going to be home base for him. Of course, I can’t keep him from coming here unless I call the police. I really don’t want to do that. Sigh.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for the hugs Terry. I’m trying to remember the little boy who was so full of promise and was the apple of his mamas’ eye. I had fourteen years of that little one. The last twenty have tried my soul and I have almost grieved myself to death. Such is a mamas’ plight, I guess.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. He is healing. The fact that he took the bottle and emptied it is proof he knows he has to change. Possibly because he came near to dying (in his mind). That’s the first good step. A person HAS to want to change, has to be doing it for themselves, not because someone else is guilting or shaming them into it or trying to force them to get help. That way never seems to stick. I think the road will be rocky for your young man, but I suspect it will have a happy ending. And even if it has the worst possible outcome? It’s NOT YOUR FAULT in any way. You’ve done all you could. The rest is up to him.

    My step-son got involved with crack. His father was probably a part of the reason why..I was married to the man 18 years and with him for 22, and the lack of giving a shit about his children was one thing that really repulsed me. At any rate the young man left for California (partially to avoid going to jail) and two years later he came back clean and sober. As far as I’m aware he’s never gone near that awful drug since. We never heard a word from him for two years. Maybe his mother did, but not us. He still has a lot of problems but drugs isn’t one of them. To me? It was because he finally realized he had to get himself out of his own shit, that the world, his parents, his lovers, his friends – nobody could do it FOR him. And it stuck.

    I hope this happens to your son too. Not the 24 months without word, but the end result. I’m sorry. I wish I could ease your pain. But I think only a mother understands it. Take care and keep writing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • He emptied the bottle but then went out and bought another one or two or three. He has always been able to live on the street pretty successfully…except for the time he pissed a drug dealer off and was filleted from mid-sternum to halfway down his arm. One of the first responders said it was the worst wound she had ever seen…where the person lived. He’s drunk right now…so drunk he doesn’t really know what’s going on.
      I’m sure he’ll be back and I don’t know what to do when that happens…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You have done all that you possibly could, he was hell-bent on destroying himself, with or without you… the general advice when it comes to severe addiction, is actually tough love. Anything else will just “enable” the addict to keep on with their addiction. I truly hope this is a wake up call for him to get help before his body gets way too damaged in this process, you mentioned he had already severe health problems cause of the addiction. I do not pray but if there is any good higher force, I hope it helps you and your son!! You both deserve a second chance at a good life, without this darkness. Hugs 💙😳

    Liked by 1 person

    • All I could do wasn’t enough. He was on my porch this morning…drunk. He had an appointment with that place this morning and he said he was going. He wanted to come in, shower, brush his teeth and change clothes. I told him this wasn’t his hotel.
      I found a huge beer in his backpack and asked him to leave it here. He wouldn’t. He kept wanting to hug me but I wouldn’t let him. Of course, I’m thinking “what it that was the last chance I would ever have to hug him?” I made him leave and he started walking down the street. I watched him until he got out of sight. Sometimes, I honestly wish I was more like Loser. He doesn’t give a shit.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I feel your pain, friend, but even in the sorrow you realize that you have done all you can.. you really did try so much to show support and get help for your son. He chose the other path anyway (so far). Now it is up to him, and let us hope that it is a wake up call for him that his own mother sets this firm boundary. In my eyes you have done absolutely everything you could. I understand it must still hurt a lot. And I keep hope that things will turn around for you and for him. Do not wish that you were lik Loser…cause if you were, your son would probably not have made it even this far in his life. Having 2 narcissists for parents is a complete nightmare. That he has stayed alive so far is most likely because he has felt that someone has lived him – you. 🌹💙

        Liked by 1 person

        • He went to the meeting and left…mad. He desperately wants to talk to Loser but he won’t answer the phone when he calls. I imagine I’ll find him on my porch again tomorrow morning…or later today, if the police don’t get him.
          Ha. I was supposed to have lunch with my high-school friend tomorrow. THAT’S out. Sigh.

          Liked by 2 people

          • Such a bad parent Loser is, to not even once try to help his own son. That is a real shame, he ought to be ashamed of himself. First he created all those emotional wounds in your son and now he won’t even acknowledge his existence. Well narcs do not really possess any empathy… 😳 Can you not go away just for 1-2 hours for lunch, still? Or do you feel you have to wait to see if your son shows up? I understand you are worrying, but at the same time, you also have to live your own life, a little bit, and get a breather.. I just wish your son could wake up and see what he is doing to you and himself.. Hugs 🌹

            Liked by 1 person

            • Losers’ attention is focused elsewhere…on his tramp. He knows #4 is with me so he doesn’t have to worry about him.
              I would have to drive over an hour to make lunch and I don’t want to risk something happening while I’m gone. He’s just a friend…a friend who wants more than I can give…but he’s a nice guy. There’ll be another time…I hope.
              I am just useless. I’m trying to finish chapter 3 but it’s just so fucking dark and depressing…but aren’t they all? I’m not sure the sentences even make sense. 😦

              Liked by 1 person

              • Nothing serious/harmful/dangerous… I am just sort of.. drifting… jaded etc. I had a (very) brief moment, when I allowed myself to believ in love, again. But now, I just feel.. bleh. I will probably expand on it in a post today or tomorrow.. an old, bleak, dark post, like we both used to enjoy.. 😉 Yes, by the way, the offer is still on with the trip first half of June, but I totally get it if you can’t make it. Although it would be cool. I promise it would be a cool Thelma and Louise trip, without the sad ending but with all the craziness in a fun way. Lol. 😊 I get that you probably can’t make it this time so I will look around for other travel buddies if I can, but holler soon if you change your mind. 😊 You my number one choice, girl! 😉

                Liked by 1 person

  6. I hope everything turns out okay. It isn’t your fault. He needs to make his own choices. This one seems like a poor one. DTs are terrifying from shat I’ve seen. Addiction sucks. I hope he chooses help.

    Liked by 1 person

    • He’s gone through them before and you’d think he’d remember but he doesn’t….or maybe he does and that’s why he starts every day with a pint of Vodka…to keep them at bay. Someday, maybe he’ll get serious about getting some real help. Thank you for your kind words.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I pray that your son be guided to what’s right and for him to be strengthened in keeping away from what’s wrong. And may you be guided to what’s right and strengthened in doing it. Whatever he chooses to do, it’s not your fault anymore. Either way it hurts.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Take your time Laurel, it’s such an exhaustive situation for you, worrying and trying. Must be so difficult to distance oneself when it is about one’s kid, especially when you understand how he ended up like this (due to his fathers ways). And so frustrating, since you know his potentials and what he is capable of, to watch how he instead throws his life away while it doesn’t aid him, doesn’t end his pain, doesn’t give him peace and just causes him problems, all the while he and you are the ones hurting. May he be guided and may you find peace within these trials.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Holy crap. You are going through a tough time. You must remember my dear friend, this is not your fault. Sometimes ‘tough love’ is required, (and not one to preach) but your #4 needs help. He needs to help himself to get the help. You’ve done the best you can. I really hope I have not offended you. Sending lots if love and hugs your way. I wish I could do more than that. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Never in a million years would anything you say offend me, dear friend.
      Maybe he’ll camp out behind the mental health place tonight and if THEY tell him he needs to go to rehab before they can help him, he will go.
      I can only hope.
      Hugs….

      Liked by 2 people

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