Home » A disease-Giving Husband » I Think I’d Opt For Hell

I Think I’d Opt For Hell

I watched that movie “Heaven is for Real” last night and it got me thinking.

If you believe in Heaven, you are probably looking forward to everlasting life in paradise.  We are promised no illnesses, no bad memories and no hunger. Everything is supposed to be just peachy.

I have entertained the idea of going to Heaven since I was a just a little sprout.  I had visions of wearing a long, white flowing robe, walking down streets paved with gold and having all the milk I could possibly want.

The idea of going to Hell terrified me.  Hot, glowing fires everywhere and the devil sitting on a throne with snakes for a staff and razor-sharp teeth sinking into my charred flesh, scared me to death.  My granny told me that I would never die in Hell.  I would just wish I had.

The idea of cremation always seemed so barbaric and it terrified me, too.  It was like going to Hell.  I heard once that if you were cremated, you could never “come back.”  Not that I would particularly want to perpetuate the vicious, cyclic torture chamber that has always been my life.

Now?  I really don’t give a shit.  I figure cremation is the way to go.  My daddy was cremated.  So was my mama and she still has her place of honor in the trunk of my car.  Does that mean they can’t come back?
I don’t know about my daddy.  I kind of liked him but I’m not sure I’d want to run into my mama again.

So, here’s the question.  Would I want to go to Heaven or would I just go ahead and opt for Hell?

The way I see it, you can abuse and all but destroy somebody but if you drop the magical phrase “God forgive me,” presto!  You’re standing at the pearly gates.  No penalty.  No retribution.  No penance.  Just a hearty welcome from the big man Himself.  All you have to do is ask for forgiveness and all acts will be washed away like loose dirt on a tilted piece of glass.”

I’m re-thinking this Heaven thing.  There are people I would never want to meet there.  Here are six of them and they are in no particular order as far as importance.

1.  My ex-FIL.  A spineless, yellow-bellied, lily-livered coward who sat silently while the matriarch of the family ruled the roost and spewed out her vile crap like Regan spewed out green vomit on the Exorcist.  I imagine telling me that he loved me while on his deathbed, gave him absolution and a quick assent up the ladder.

2.  My ex-MIL.  An abusive, drunken, snuff-dipping, tramp-endorsing, trailer-trash acting “thing” who bought me dildos as presents and being entitled, thought it entirely acceptable to wipe her ass with my facecloths after she used the bathroom.  A real class act.  I’m sure she’ll be up there.  Having once said “I don’t have any bad memories” will insure her a spot.  Given that she spent her entire life being drunk and pleading amnesia, how could she be denied?

3.  My Preacher Uncle.  A hell-fire and brimstone preaching man who wanted me to go to Florida with him so he could “take care of me.”  The man who screwed other women, got them pregnant, divorced my aunt and then married her again after his offspring were born.  Didn’t God say “be fruitful and multiply?”  I imagine he’ll be up there, having thumped his Bible and uttered the appropriate words just before he died.

4.  My Other Uncle.  The youngest son of my grandparents.  The man who “fought for me in the war” and thought that the world owed him something when he came back.  The man who destroyed one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen.  The man who used and abused alcohol and drugs and still lived at home until my grandparents died.  The man who sold the house and its contents they left him for booze.  The man who called me a prostitute when I told my grandparents he kept coming into my room at night.  He was, as my grandma said, “pitiful.”  That’ll do it.  Let all the pitiful ones in because they’re…..pitiful.

5.  Loser and his WTC.  Like father, like son.  A chip off the old block.  Another spineless, yellow-bellied, lily-livered coward, Jr.  He says he prayed for me every night.  I wondered if he prayed for me before or after he fucked whatever tramp was in his bed, but…God likes prayers.  The one thing he wanted from me was my forgiveness.  When it wasn’t given, he probably decided Gods’ forgiveness held far more esteem and settled for that, as well as His understanding.  After all, he is the man who once called himself “God” and said God “understood.”  Entrance would never be denied to the Deity himself, so it’s a given that he will be holding court up there, letting everybody know that he’s the smartest person in the gilded room.

That WTC who tearfully told Loser that she thought I hated her and really wished I didn’t.  That WTC who warned Loser that I had better not come to “her territory.”  I imagine she prays as well.  “Please God.  Let Laurel not hate me.  Please God.  Let her youngest daughter not hate me.  Please God. Let all of her children be on my side.  Since I have found my meal ticket, I promise I will never commit adultery again and I will be good to Loser (as long as he keeps paying for everything, that is.”)  Deal.  As long as you’re good to the Loser “God,” you will be welcome right along with him.

6.  My Mama.  The woman who asked me what in this round world I had ever done to make anybody love me.  The woman who said the only reason she didn’t kill me was because she didn’t want to go to jail.  The woman who gave me my first black eye when I was six years old.  Unlike my ex-MIL, who said “I don’t have any bad memories,” mama said “I don’t want to have any bad memories.”  That’ll do it!  Decide that you don’t want to remember anything you said or did and God will call you home, give you a pat on the back and say “good to see you, sister.”

This just doesn’t sit right with me.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m not an angel.  I would never win my fucking wings.  I have no illusions of ever making it into Heaven because I don’t hide my hatred and resentment.  I don’t pretend to be a good person.  I don’t go to church, try to look like the sweetest person to ever sashay my ass down the middle of the big road and then go home, get drunk and abuse people.

If I still chatted with God, I would ask Him about this shit but I don’t chat with Him anymore.  I also know the Bible teaches us that we are not to question Him or His motives.  Even if I did still have a talk with Him, it would be the same result that has tortured me all of my life.  No answers.

So, all I can say is if those people make it in….I think I’d opt for Hell.

36 thoughts on “I Think I’d Opt For Hell

  1. Great post! Am also wondering how things are going and hoping you will email when you can, just so I know what happened with the current situation. I know I have been the worst email friend ever lately but I will check my email every night this week just so I know you are ok. Sending lots of hugs!

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  2. I’m sure you’ve read all the stuff about this post that you want to. But I’m still gonna add my two cents (for all that’s worth, right?) I’m so heart sick that you see things like you do, but it’s your choice and I’m not judging. In MY view of heaven? We go to a place that is personally our paradise. Individually. And there? Nothing as petty as spite, hate, malice or bullshit MATTERS any more. Do I think those six individuals you listed deserve that? No I do not. They deserve the ‘heaven’ they’ve created in their own minds – places where spite, hate, malice etc RULE and they wallow in the ugliness and don’t know the difference. I pity them greatly because they don’t see the difference. They can’t know the beauty of the heaven I imagine and they certainly would not ever belong. I hope you find some semblance of peace for yourself and create your own version of heaven – which does not include any of those vile persons nor memories of them either. And I personally think God (as far as I can understand Him – which isn’t very well probably – too far above my intellect) lets us have experiences and go through horrible trials to refine us to be the best of what we CAN be, despite our trials and the malice of horrible people. The best revenge is living well. Go live well. Show them they didn’t break nor take from you – time or even a thought. They aren’t worth the effort.

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    • As Loser told the judge, my overwhelming sense of injustice is a problem. To me, if you live a life of destruction and selfishness and dishonor, one quick prayer before death, should not expunge all of your debts…but we all know they do. Just not fair. I know God is all forgiving but I am not. I also know there are two indisputable facts…1) there is a God and 2) I am not Him.

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  3. Growing up Jewish, I was always so confused about the whole concept of heaven and hell because we don’t really believe in either. That would have been fine if my parents had brought us up around other Jews, but we lived in a town where we were literally like the only ones. So I always had to answer questions from classmates and friends that I couldn’t answer. Now I’m an adult, married to a psychic who believes in angels and spirits, and so it’s all so funny to me. I guess I still don’t believe in a heaven or hell, but I suppose there might be an afterlife of some kind. My point? (sorry it’s taken me so long to get to it!)… I guess I want to be cremated also. I’m a claustrophobic and couldn’t bear to think about being six feet under! 🙂

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    • I didn’t know that about the Jewish faith. I know a few things because most of my friends tend to be Jewish. I once had a “Jewish mother.” Her married name was Rubin and her maiden name was Rubin. I loved to tease her about “marrying her brother.”
      Gorgeous is a psychic? Can she “psyche” me? Right now….I need some psychic, spiritual, angelic advice. UGH.
      Speaking of being claustrophobic, how do you think you’ll feel all squished inside an urn? Or even worse….you could end up like my mama…riding around in the truck of somebodys’ car. Now and then, I swear I hear a faint “let me out…let me out.”

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      • A very good point. I think I’d want my ashes scattered on some beautiful beach. I better put that in my will to make sure it happens. Gorgeous is a psychic (I wrote a post about that!). But she’s not taking on new clients at the moment. 😦 If you’re mother was Jewish (or had Jewish blood) that makes you Jewish too — it comes from the mother only. So welcome to the tribe, Lauren! 🙂

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        • I NEEEEED her. (Gorgeous) I can’t elaborate on here.
          My biological mama wasn’t Jewish but since she was never a real mama, I always gravitated toward older women and I found my Jewish mother in Philadelphia. My RBS is a converted Jew.
          I used to be pissed off because I wasn’t Jewish. My granny taught me that the Jews were Gods’ chosen people and since I wasn’t Jewish, I figured I was fucked. Figures. LOL

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  4. Hey you… that was eloquent. No ones gonna argue with that reasoning. Or shouldn’t. I personally like John Lennon’s take on it no hell below us, above us only sky. I don’t get why such a good person as you was given so many trials. Just no fuckin’ idea. One of the mysteries of life. I still want to get you some good drugs so you’ll get your ass on s plane to find see me. I think I live in heaven. Lol.

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  5. I love your honesty – I wish all peeps were more honest.. that said – I just want to give you a big hug and bring you into my world.. its filled with good imperfect people who do know how to love.. I know you’d love it –
    You deserve it💕

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  6. Huck, I am starting to worry about you. One second I want to send you some real food, the next I want to administer to your x a level of pain that will make his nightmares his new happy place and now you got me praying for you. So, I will just be like a big ole pot of greens, I’m here when your belly needs fill’n. Free of charge. On second thought, I might have to charge for the cornbread. Big Poppa got skills in the kitchen. P.S. I have been to hell, didn’t care for it much. Peace, Marshall

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  7. You deserve the biggest angel wings! In the heaven I believe in your abusers wouldn’t make it there and if they did their position would always be lower than yours. Their problem with you was that you had something they didn’t have and for that everyone wanted to break you down. You were obviously smarter and more attractive than any of them could ever be. I hate that you had to go through so much shit. It’s unforgivable!!! Hugs to you! You deserve nothing but love!

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  8. Holy Shit! Don’t worry doll, peices of shit like that spend eternity on a computer bus, just going around in circles. How about when you die and I die we can go around beating the piss out of everyone who did us wrong? I’m game if you are!

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    • Stacey, Just remember when you two go bat shit that I am one of the good guys. I am on your team. I have somehow managed to avoid taking a ass beating from any man. But you gals might just be able to get the job done. I think It might be safer for me to go back and hide behind my grand daughter. I turned my back on a woman once. I called my x a bitch and when I turned to walk off, she called me an ambulance. You would be shocked how much damage a 8 slice toaster can do to the human skull.

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      • LOL. I promised Loser something once. He never remembered anything but he remembered that promise.
        When he asked about it, I slapped him across the face. I had owed it to him for 35 years. He was a foot taller than I am and he outweighed me by more than a hundred pounds, so he didn’t almost fall out of the chair like I did when he hit me, but I think I made an impression. I don’t know what he was expecting, but I’m sure it wasn’t that. If I had it to do over, I would have changed him from a rooster to a hen with one yank. 🙂

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      • OMG….she’s crazy. If i was you i would have had her arrested for domestic violence and assult and battery. I dont give a fuck who you are, man or women or if custody is on the line, no one should ever throw something at you when youre not looking. Really what fun is it if you cant see their OH SHIT look when you catch the object. You don’t have to worry about us….we weren’t married to you.

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