During that ridiculous forty-year farce that I thought was a marriage, I never got to go anywhere or do anything.
Now that I am free, I have decided to make a bucket list. Most, if not all the things on it will never be realized, of course but it’s still fun to think about it.
I’d like to ride in a helicopter.
(I did that! I have the pictures to prove it….well, actually we’re on the ground so it’s not really proof, but I did it. I was shaking like Tina Turner in her prime and I was sweating like a whore in church. Apparently, we flew over Disneyland. I had my eyes closed, praying for a quick death so I didn’t see it.)
2. I’d like to do the Texas two-step with Harry Connick, Jr.
(That would be great if I knew him or actually knew how to do the Texas two-step. Hell, I’d even be willing to buy me some cowboy boots and a faincy daincing dress but alas…I won’t be crossing that off my list.)
3. I’d like to visit the Space Needle in Seattle, Washington.
(I’m not going to drive there. That leaves flying and I’m askeered to get on an airplane, so I won’t be able to cross that one off my list, plus, I would NEVER go up to the top of that “needle” anyway. I’m not afraid of heights but I’m afraid of that damn thing falling down.)
4. I’d like to go to Nazareth. I would love to walk some of the same paths that Jesus did.
(Again. Not going to fly, so I can’t cross that one off, not to mention that the Earth would probably swallow me up because I’m not a good person and have no business tracing His steps.)
I would like to leave a stone with four words on it.
(I’ve already got the stone made and definitely plan to leave it somewhere, but nobody will ever know where. Who knows? Some day, somebody might come across it and be prompted to write a story titled “The Find.”)
6. I’d like to visit the Vietnam Veterans’ Wall in Washington, D. C.
(I’d have to drive, which I could do but I’m not going to go by myself, so I guess I can’t cross that one off.
7. I’d like to go to Las Vegas to (1) see my RBS, (2) see the Bellagio (not to gamble because I’m not a gambler and even though my auto correct wants to change that to fellatio for some reason, I don’t want to do that either) and (3) to be sprayed by the water fountain in front of that naked, gold guy.
(Don’t want to do the fly thing, so all three of those are out. Won’t get to cross them off.
Guess I’ll just settle for talking to my RBS on the telephone and seeing the hotel and fountain on those Oceans’ 11, 12 and 13 movies.)
8. I’d like to visit the 911 memorial. Not the waterfall one but the one where pieces of peoples’ lives are housed.
(Could probably make the drive but again, I’d have to go by myself and the idea that I would be loose in New York City in a car would probably trigger the end of the world, so I can’t cross that one off
9. I’d like to visit Calvary. I’d like to see the place where they crucified Jesus.
(I don’t know how anybody, whether a believer or not, could look at that site and not feel changed. But, I’ll never make it there…airplanes…so no crossing that off my list. Besides, if I did make it, the same thing would probably happen that happened when the crucifixion took place….earthquakes and lightning.)
10. I’d love to visit Ireland, Scotland, Sweden, Switzerland, and England. I believe that most of my ancestors on my daddys’ side came straight from England and Ireland.
(I’d give my left tit – and I’m very fond of my left tit – to be able to go there and am actually trying to talk myself into getting drugged up and doing it. But they don’t allow drunk or drugged up people on the plane, do they? So, probably can’t cross that off my list.)
11. I’d like to drive a fire truck.
(My oldest daughter drove me around the block in hers and it was a thrill. I’d be scared shitless and I’d probably wreck it but I’d still like to try. It won’t happen so I can’t cross it off my list. By not doing it, I will have most likely saved a truck. What’s that song? “Save a truck…ride a firefighter?”)
I’d like to smoke pot.
(I crossed that off not because I have already done it but because it doesn’t appeal to me anymore. Have you ever smelled that shit? IT STINKS! And can you imagine me walking around stoned? Oh, my Lucy! There’s no telling what I would do. I’d be likely to call for world peace or go completely postal.)
I’d like to leave a legacy.
(I’ve already done that. “That mama, grandma, ex-wife was bat-shit crazy. She was an uneducated hillbilly whose stupid morality and unforgiving nature kept her from having a wonderful life with a lying, cheating, disease-giving narcissistic pig…and her children. She didn’t understand how much more she would have been liked, if she had been just another tramp.”)
14. I’d like to meet Wentworth Miller.
(It’ll never happen of course, so it’s one more thing that won’t be crossed off. But, I mean….look at him. Does anything else need to be said?)
15. Once. Just once, I’d like to know how it feels to be loved.
(I don’t believe in reincarnation and I didn’t believe in it the last time I was here…but maybe the next time I’m here, I can cross it off.)