Home » A Wasted Life » A Conversation

A Conversation

Last night, I had a three hour conversation with a lovely old friend.  The last hour consisted of his “arm-chair” psychiatry.

He described me as living in a tightly wound cocoon, surrounded by huge, self-erected walls.  Yes.
Cocoons are made of silk threads.  Silk threads when en masse are extremely strong and my cocoon has had several years to form.  My walls are equally as strong and are impenetrable.

He said I should break out of that cocoon, spread my wings and become the beautiful butterfly that I can be.  (He sounds like my cyber-husband, who writes poetry about his broken butterflies.)

He knows about my life.  He has suffered great loss and is himself, trying to crawl out of the throws of depression.  He understands when I laugh and say “I will tell you the same thing I told Sam and Pepper and several others…you will NEVER break through those walls.”

He understands that when I say that, I am not challenging him nor am I boasting.  He says it is a protective shield and he knows that I find comfort within my cocoon and those walls but that I need to find comfort somewhere else.

Just because I am alone (or on the road away from home) doesn’t mean that I am one to run to the comfort of just anybodys’ arms that I can pick up.  I’m not one who is willing to pay for the comfort of companionship.  I’m not one to fall for the comfort of shallow flattery…which prompts my sarcastic sense of humor to come out for the next part of the conversation.

He said:

“You’re a very good-looking woman.”
(You’re obviously drunk.)

“You are very intelligent.”
(How you reckin’ that happened..seeing as how I’s a uneducated hillbilly?)

“You have means.”
(Well, then all I need is a house and a ways and I’ll have a committee.)

He suggested that I smoke pot, so that I can experience the “joy of food and maybe gain some weight.”
(Puh-lease!  Eating is a fucking drag!  And, if I have to cook…for-fucking-get it!)

He said I needed to learn how to enjoy a drink so I could “loosen up.”
(I’ve had a drink and got loose enough to throw up all over Losers’ car.  Yay!  I have to say that it made me smile to think that WTC was going to unknowingly, sit in my puke.)

He said I needed to have a relationship and went on to describe several options.
(Okay.  In answer to those options…I’m not going to be anybodys’ “fuck-buddy.”  I’m not going to be anybodys’ “casual sex” partner.  I’m not going to be anybodys’ “back-door girlfriend” and I am certainly not going to be what Loser wanted me to be, which was “a back-door wife.”)

There are always going to be expectations in any relationship.  If I cited my expectations for one, I imagine I would get the same frustrated response I always got from my children when I talked of friendships and marriage…”mom, your expectations are too high.”

So, I imagine I will continue to live in my cocoon…inside my thick walls.  I’ve learned so many valuable lessons about trust and honor and fidelity.  I unhesitatingly offer honor and fidelity but two things I will never offer again are…..commitment and trust.

 

35 thoughts on “A Conversation

  1. Food is a drag? Dying is a drag. Your teeth falling out is a drag. but there’s ways to nourish yourself that are somewhat doable and would give you strength. and you are… Not healthy from what you have said of your doctors concerned looks… I know you hate reading, but I just finished Portia derossi’s book unbearable lightness and I feel like I saw some of you in it.
    As for your kids picking that they have to see their dad with the puppet master, how does that equal them not seeing or being involved with you. Those are two different conversations.

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    • I actually had a few bites of food while I was in Florida. I took the people who so graciously let me stay with them, out to eat. I thought I had gained probably ten pounds but when I got home, I had actually lost about four. Go figure.
      I did see my middle daughter before the hurricane hit. 🙂

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  2. I always bristle when someone tells me I “should” do something. Unless I asked for their advice, they should just keep it to themselves.
    PS. He’s a horrible arm chair psychologist

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  3. Um, he disproved that whole “educated is intelligent” bit with his remarks. AND (sitting in my own armchair and doing side line psychiatry ala layman style) he obviously wants to have sex with you. A LOT. Thus the drunk or high business..his ego isn’t large is it? BUT. As someone who lives in an ivory tower of her own (on purpose), be careful of those comforting cocoon walls…lest they become a prison instead of a haven. My head doctor (a real psychiatrist) says to me that I need to break out more and connect with people (he means in a non-sexual way, make some real life friends and be sociable) because I spend to much time in my tower (cocoon) and am so very VERY comfortable in there. I don’t want any attachments and I never will again (my own hubby and another guy I thought I ‘loved’) cured me of ever wanting to be in a romantic relationship ever again. Too much work, too much danger of getting my heart smashed. But even as I don’t want the attachments (strings), sometimes I miss the physical side of things. It’s a quandry. Good luck with your journey with this. At least you’ve got children. Me? I make do with a chihuahua and a bad attitude. 😉

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    • I laughed out loud at the “chihuahua and a bad attitude.” I don’t want you to misunderstand. HE doesn’t think I am not intelligent because I don’t have a college degree. Loser was the one who had a problem with that. That WTC is going to college (in her late 50’s) and Loser is so proud that he is paying her tuition.
      And yes, my cocoon is a prison…but it’s one of those “white-collar” ones. LOL
      And, no. I don’t have my children. Loser gave them an ultimatum. “If you don’t want to see her (that WTC) then you’re not going to see your daddy.” They all chose him. The 2 youngest held out for a while, but finally succumbed. I haven’t seen the middle one for over two years (I only got to see her last child once, right after she was born and she is now over 2 years old.) I haven’t seen the older one in a year and a half. It’s okay. They chose the two people who meant the most to them…and I wasn’t one of them.
      I will say that Loser is finally, after almost 40 years, pretending to “care” about his children…mostly to impress that WTC…and also to “prove” (he has convinced all of our former friends, his family and our children)…that I am…as he puts it…”clinically insane.”
      And as far as what my friend has for intentions….he knows that we are friends….and nothing more…nor will we ever be.

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      • Gotta love it when a narcissistic, psychotic, sociopath husband calls his wife “clinically insane”. Pretty much calls for a translation……..Allow me…..Your ex is a fucking idiot…..along with the whore he rode in on.

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  4. Jesus – you’re blog is popular!

    Anyway,

    You wrote “Puh-lease!” – wow, I’ve been spelling it “Pluheeze” – which is better?

    question: is Mr. Harvard trying to sleep with you, you think, or just has a lot of time on his hands to psycho-analyze you?

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    • I have always said “Puh-lease.” Maybe it’s my Southern accent…I really don’t know. Mr. Harvard is a very good friend. We went to high school together and apparently, he had a huge crush on me then. And, he knows where we stand as far as “anything” goes.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Humm

    “You’re a very good-looking woman.”

    Maybe you are a good looking woman….however one is wise to be alert when a man says that.

    “You are very intelligent.”

    You are intelligent. Educated is not the same as intelligent. The stupidest people I’ve met are usually the ones who have a string of letters after their names. I mean have you watched our news media lately? Have you ever seen such idiocy?

    You have means means what?

    And in closing: any guy who wants a woman high and drunk raises all kinds of red flags…

    RG

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    • This is a guy I went to high school with. He’s a Harvard graduate, which as you say, can mean absolutely nothing but he’s not your run of the mill idiot. He knows I’m “comfortable” (one thing I earned for tolerating Loser.) But he has means as well.
      And…he knows he’s the president of fantasy land if he thinks he’s ever going to get me high or drunk or both. I guess he just thinks I’ve been “missing” life or something. LOL

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Do you have walls? Yes. Do I think you should break out of them? No. It’s none of my business. We all do what we have to do to survive. I would love to have a real relationship. It requires putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable. I’m willing to do that. But if you’re not, it’s your business, not mine.

    I am happy for you though, that you had this conversation with an old friend who is male. That in itself unraveled a few threads in that cocoon, lol.

    xxo

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi,
    Your headline reminded me of my ex-husband. You are a strong writer.
    I am Janice. I met you at Gary’s meet and greet. Maybe you can check out my blog. I offer blogging tips at my site. My most recent article explained how you can get over 600 Page views to your blog or website within a matter of hours.
    Here is the link http://wp.me/p6x6vQ-2Sm

    Liked by 1 person

    • I guess people figure that having been married to a drunk for forty years, I live booze as well. It just doesn’t seem to make sense to anybody that I am and have never really been interested in it. I sure wish a couple of my children could have inherited that gene from me…instead of the drunk one from Loser. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

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