So, imagine my surprise when I got an email from the FBI! It said they apologized for sending “this sensitive information via e-mail instead of certified mail, post-mail, phone or face to face conversation.”
Apparently, two “consignment boxes” were intercepted at JFK airport which bear my name as the “beneficiary/recipient.” These boxes contain 4.1 million dollars! (Yay! I’m a millionaire!)
The “diplomat” who accompanied my boxes of wealth to the United States, revealed that he was to deliver the funds to my residence as an overdue payment, owed to me by a foreign country.
Alas, the boxes are missing an important document, so they can’t release them to me.
Now, until the document can be found, they have confiscated my money! Not only that, but unless I respond within 72 hours, I will be prosecuted in a court of law for…money laundering!
First let me say that I don’t need to launder the money. Dirty money is just as good as clean money.
WHAT TO DO?
1. Hire a P.I. to find that damn document. I want my money!
2. In case I get arrested before he or she finds it, I guess I had better coif my hair and paint my fingernails for my mug shot. I want to look my best, in case my children or my friends see it. (This is highly likely since the email was dated on the 9th.)
3. Will any or all of you come to visit me during my extended stay in some Federal Penitentiary? While you’re there, could you put at little cash into my canteen? I promise I will pay you back as soon as I get this whole mess straightened out and receive my 4.1 million.
4. Brush up on my Kung Fu. I’ve seen Orange is the New Black and the resident inmates are not always nice to the new “fish.”
5. Contact a real estate agent and have them start looking for my new mansion. Being a woman of considerable means now, I can’t be living in a hovel.
6. Change all of my contact information and make my blog private. I can’t have any of you calling me and whining about needing money after I get out of prison. (Is that wrong?)
Actually, after I forwarded the email to the FBI, I responded with:
“LOL. Bring it on bitch!”
(Now, if this email really was from the FBI, after that response, I don’t reckon my body will ever be found.)