Home » A Wasted Life » A Double Anniversary

A Double Anniversary

One year ago today, I posted my very first blog.  It was titled “The Beginning.”

The Loser puppet was finalizing his plans to take the WTC puppet-master for a three-week trip to Denmark and Norway.  The WTC puppet-master wanted to make sure I knew he was taking her so she sent me a message.  She’s so very thoughtful.

I didn’t know at the time that it was also the day my divorce became final.  How ironic that I picked that day for my first post.  I didn’t find out until late in September. (The Loser puppets’ attorney seems to have had a little more on the ball than mine did.)  I don’t know when I would have found out, had my financial planner not called me to go over a few things and said he had a copy.

Since then, my life has changed in ways that I would have never dreamed it would.  I never call myself “divorced.”  I call myself “single.”  I think you had to have had a real marriage to actually be divorced.  I consider myself to just be free from a lifetime of physical, mental and emotional neglect and abuse.

I got rid of him.  I got rid of his name.  I got rid of everything that was ever “ours.”  I got rid of everything he ever gave me, whether out of guilt or obligation.  I got rid of my car because he had driven it.

Just today, I finally read the last email he sent to me on August 17th, 2015.  I think today would be a good day to go back almost ten years, and delete every message from him. I have deleted him from my life but there are some things that I can’t delete.

I can’t delete the horrendous thing he did to me that has left me emotionally scarred and grief-stricken for the last thirty-eight years.
I can’t delete the first betrayal years later, that left me with an incurable disease and tarnished me for the rest of my life. I can’t delete the way he and his WTC puppet-master have manipulated my children into thinking they’re “the good guys” and I’m insane.

He took things from me.  He took my youth.  He took my trust.  He took my faith in fidelity.  He took my health. He destroyed the only family that I had ever felt was truly mine.

Sometimes, I wish my children wanted to know the whole truth.  Sometimes, I wish they could understand how it feels to be betrayed by the one person you trusted above all others.  They are so much like him in so many ways. Opt for the easy way out.  Choose what makes you comfortable. Choose the one who was never there for you but is pretending to be now.  Choose the path of least resistance.

I have essentially deleted my children from my life as well. I can’t be in their lives as long as they openly welcome and embrace the very people who did everything they could to destroy me.
They are triggers for me.  They bring back memories of how things used to be.  They make me anguish over what might be.  They have children that I will never know or see grow up.
They are ecstatic that the Loser puppet is happy.  If they were still in my life, that would spill over onto me but not with wishes for my happiness.  There would be accusations and admonitions for not crawling out of my “dark place.” They would think that I should embrace the woman who was fucking my husband (and telling him to warn me that I’d better not come to South Carolina again.)  They would think that I should treat her like part of the family.  They would think I should act like the Loser puppet is a really good friend of mine.

They share the Loser puppets’ views as far as…there should never be any consequences for immoral behavior or vitriolic hostility.  There should only be blame for the victim, who is unable to grasp the effects of betrayal and abuse.

I think I have always known that I would end up alone and that’s okay.  I am alone.  I finally broke out of my torture cell.  I removed myself from the people who hurt me so badly and made me so sad.  I removed myself from the people who made me feel worthless…the people who screamed at me and made me feel like I didn’t matter.

Will I think about my children on their birthdays?  Of course.  Will I send them wishes?  No.  Will I think about them on Thanksgiving and Christmas?  I will try not to because I seriously doubt that they will be thinking about me.

I won’t say that I don’t care.  I will just say that I can’t care. I’ve already suffered too much.  I spent my entire life wishing that I had a mama I could talk to.  I hope none of my children ever wake up and wish that they could talk to theirs.

So, I have a different life now.  I have a different world.  I am free.  I feel like I finally won.

But…I guess you could say this is a Pyrrhic victory.  I finally won…but it cost me everything.

 

 

55 thoughts on “A Double Anniversary

  1. I know what its like to lose your family. Since my ordeal with Paul started we lost both of our families. Now all we have is each other. Sometimes I fantasize my suicide note and I blame them for leaving me when I needed them the most.

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    • There’s a saying…”it’s during the worst times of your life when you will get to see the true colors of the people who say they care for you.” I say…let them go. They would be there for you if you meant anything to them. Sigh.

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  2. I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to read this. I actually started it and kept it up on my phone for 2 days, so I’d finish it,but all the work and moving shit just took over me this week.

    You know I keep saying maybe the story isn’t ended yet with your kids, and I hope i’m right, but the fact is, I’m glad you have gotten to acceptance of what is, instead of yearning for life to be different. It may become different but it is what it is right now.

    It’s amazing about blogging. It started for most of us, as a way to just release everything to the universe, to expel it from our brains, into some other realm to deal with it. But when we did that, we found people who had had like experiences, who could understand. It is so freeing to find out you are not alone, not the only one who has experienced all this darkness.

    And then to actually make good friends from it….Dang. That’s just a blessing. I feel like it’s a new path, we can walk on. I’m so glad to have you in my life. Every day we are closer to a pina colada on my deck in Florida! Yours can be a virgin one if you want. or not. LOL. I may corrupt you. 😛

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    • Hey…forget that virgin crap! LOL If you have somewhere to throw me later, I’ll have it straight up (or whatever you call a boozy drink.) 🙂 I can’t think of anything better than sitting around with a wonderful friend…learning to drink!

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            • I’ve seen my daughters get a little “buzzy-buzzed” as they call it. It was one of the few times my oldest actually acted like she cared about me.
              A little buzz sounds good! How about a little buzz and a…shoot…what are those things called again…they go back and forth? (I swear I’m not buzzed….LOL)

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                • You’re so funny…I can see that I’m going to have to teach you some Southern….shoot means “shucks” or “dad-burnit” or if you’re a dirty girl…”shit.” Technically, what it was when I was growing up and you were really trying to emphasize something it was “shoot fire!”

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                  • LOL! Yes, I will need lessons on Southern living. I have been a northern girl my whole life. And I guess I’m a dirty girl, lol cuz I say shit all the time. And fuck. Oh well. Sometimes its the only word. I have a blog from last fall called. “Fuck him. FUCK him.” Which gets read a lot, still. I guess someone is searching for that word, lol.

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                    • Well…you’re probably not going to find much Southern-isms in Florida. Nobody could ever understand the difference when I said black and white. They sound completely different but one of my daughters had to tell them what I wanted. And….they say “the further South you go…the further North you get.” LOL

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                    • Hm…never heard of a sunddoggirl. There are snowbirds in both the Carolinas, so I’ve heard of them. There are also “half-ways” in North Carolina. They leave up North, move to Florida…find it oppressively hot and move to North Carolina…”half-way” back. 🙂

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  3. One year – that is a big achievement (for both things!). Congratulations! And, but you know this, my heart still breaks for you for having lost connection with your children. I want to pick them up and shake them to sense (not violently!) and tell them to love you, to talk to you, to want to get to know you 😦 I hope, I pray, that one day you will find a way to each others’ hearts. I know they are precious to you – and I’m sure you are precious to them, too, deep down in their hearts. Hugs LWL!

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  4. Happy anniversary! I am so glad I found you in the blogging world. It is very lonely to be in a dark place, I never thought I would find someone like myself, who also has a hard time coming out of the dark place. I hope we both can get some more light into our lives in the future. Glad to have you as a friend along for the ride. Hugs 💙

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    • Thank you! I don’t know about you but I really didn’t think anybody would understand or worse…believe what my life had been like. I had no idea there were so many scumbags out there…and how many wonderful women had been ruined by them. I’m so grateful to have a friend like you to travel on my journey with. Hopefully…that journey will involve other horizons….ya think? 🙂

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      • I didnt think anyone would really read my blog at all, so I am thrilled that people do, and to have found support and even friendship here is so amazing. I agree that it is sad there are so many scumbags out there! Oh and yes I too hope your journey will involve other horizons that would be so great! 🙂 ⚘

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  5. I’m sorry your freedom came at such a high price. I believe you can find support from people who will celebrate this new you and your freedom. It just takes time and some work on your part. Healing also takes time, especially with what you’ve experienced. Hopefully next year you will be able to look at this post and muse at what a different place you are at. Sending you my love 💙💙💙

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