Ted wasn’t prepared to read what had been written on those pages.
Monday, July 10th.
This morning, Dr. Mowry called and told me that I am pregnant. It was hard for me not to call Ted and tell him but I’m going to wait until tonight when he gets home from work. It was even harder for me not to shout it from the nearest rooftop!
I am so excited. I made his favorite dish…pot roast. I have a romantic dinner planned. I know he’ll be surprised but I am hoping that he will be happy and not mad.
Tuesday, July 11th.
When Ted got home last night, he brushed by me. He didn’t even say hello so I didn’t tell him about the baby. He must have had a really bad day at work yesterday so I decided to tell him this morning. When I told him, he hit the wall with his open hand and said “are you kidding me? I told you I didn’t want to have to deal with any fucking kids.”
I knew he was angry but I told him that once my belly started growing, and he could actually listen to the babys’ heartbeat and put his hand on my stomach and feel it move, he would fall in love with it.
He said “I have to go to work. We’ll talk about this later.”
I know he’ll come around. He’s gruff but he knows how much I want a baby.
Wednesday, July 12th.
We didn’t talk about the baby last night because Ted got home late and I had already gone to bed. We didn’t talk about it before he went to work but he called me and told me he was going to come pick me up at noon. He told me to dress casually. I thought maybe the shock had worn off and we were going to go to the park and eat fast food while we talked.
He picked me up and when I asked him where we were going he didn’t answer.
I was putting on my bangle bracelets and he asked why I was wearing all that jewelry. I told him I always wore my jewelry when we went out. He said “I told you to dress casually.”
He pulled over to the side of the road and parked. He turned off the ignition and said “we’re here.” I got out of the car and waited for him to come over to my side. When I turned around, it was clear that we weren’t going to have lunch when I saw the sign that said…ABORTION CLINIC.
We walked up and he opened the door like a gentleman. We walked in and sat down. He had already made all the arrangements. When they called my name, he leaned over, patted me on the leg and said “I have to get back to work. Ask them to call a cab to take you home.”
I remember watching him walk out the door. I remember being told to take off my clothes. I remember laying on a cold table with my legs in stirrups.
I came home and went to bed. Ted came home, late and smelling like beer. He leaned over me to see if I was awake. When I opened my eyes, he said “how’d it go?”
It took every ounce of strength Ted had to keep reading. He slowly ran his fingers across the last page and even though it was still legible, he could tell that it had been stained with tears.
In the middle of the night, I woke up and realized that I was covered with blood. I was hemorrhaging. I went into the bathroom and started running a hot bath.
I woke up Ted and told him something was wrong. He didn’t even get out of bed. He just went back to sleep. The entire side of my mattress was saturated with blood. I sat in the bathtub for several hours, crying.
The next morning, all Ted said was “I guess we’re going to have to buy a new fucking mattress.”
How could he feel nothing? Did he wonder if my child screamed when it was being ripped from my body?
I will never forgive him for this. I hate him. I hate him.