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Stealing The Bullets

The visit with Shoe (my grandson) didn’t last but four days.  I was supposed to have him until the last week of June but his daddy (D) came to get him yesterday.

#3 and D seem to be at odds again.  It’s almost a daily thing.  I never know when she’s going to tell me that they “broke up.”  They sometimes have a volatile relationship but they absolutely cannot stay away from each other.

#3 describes herself as being like the puppet in that she is completely selfish and lacks empathy.  She is but not to the degree that the puppet is and always was.

Since Shoe is back in Florida now, it means that when the puppet takes the puppet-master down there….he will probably insist that #3 meet the puppet-master…OR…she won’t get to see him.

I asked D straight out if he came to get him because he had been bashed by the puppet.  He didn’t know that #3 had been verbally bashed last time or that the puppet had turned it around on me by saying “I’ll bet that makes your MAMA real happy” when he didn’t get to see him.  D didn’t know how he had responded to her when she told him that Shoe wasn’t going to be there this time.

He assured me that wasn’t the reason but he did tell me that my oldest daughter and her husband want to take Shoe to South Carolina to see the puppet, his puppet-master and that goddamn Drunken Hines (my former monster-in-law.)

D told me that the puppet had texted him and asked how he was doing after the wreck but that he had never responded.  He said the puppet is “lower than a douche.”  He knows what the puppet called Shoe.

When Shoe was born, the puppet (drunk of course) asked me how I liked having a half-breed for a grandson.  D is Venezuelan.  D is a beautiful man and Shoe is a beautiful little boy.
I was surprised that the puppet said that but again, since he spews out venom like Drunken Hines when he’s drunk, I’m really not surprised.  After all, the puppet did tell my friend that he liked his “Southern blood lines” to be pure.  When I told #3 what he said, she laughed.  I’m not sure why unless it was a defense mechanism.  D didn’t laugh.

I called #3 to tell her that D had come to get Shoe.  I had been thinking about how hard it must be for her….suffering such vitriolic hostility from the puppet simply because she was doing exactly what he had asked her to do.  He told her to “always be loyal to your mama” (I guess to try to assuage his own guilt.)  She has been but look at what it has cost her.

I wonder if that loyalty has had an impact on her relationship with D.  The puppet calls him an asshole behind his back but is trying to act like a good guy by pretending to be the caring “quasi-father-in-law.”  He pretends to be the doting grandpa to the child he called a “half-breed.”  He pretends to care about the daughter he called “just a fucking firefighter.”  He pretends to care about all of his daughters who he called “selfish little bitches.”  He pretends to care about his only son who he called “a worthless piece of shit.” 
He wants his youngest daughter to “take care of the mama” he cheated on, gave an incurable STD and calls a“fucking bitch.”

Yet, this man is still loved more than I am.  He is still revered more than I ever was.  They still want him in their life more than they want me in it.  They accept that puppet-master who said horrible things about me and made sure that I knew she was “the queen” now.

I told #3 that maybe she should just embrace that puppet-master and maybe she wouldn’t suffer any more indignation from anybody.  Since she is so private about so many things, I really have no idea what she has had to endure.  Her life would be so much easier if she didn’t have to “remain loyal to her mama.”

She yelled at me and hung up.  I haven’t talked to her since.  She shouldn’t have to forfeit her entire family for me.  The good of the many always outweighs the good of the one.

I had also been thinking about how to or even if I should respond to my middle daughters’ happy birthday email.  I decided I would.
I told her that I wasn’t sure if I wanted a few more words or if I was dreading them.  Sometimes, relationships are just too fractured to be repaired.

I was honest when I told her that I just absolutely can not be in anybodys’ life who welcomes and embraces the very people who had been such destructive forces in mine.  That’s how I feel.  They can have the people who matter the most to them.  Being loyal to me is costly and only one of them has made the sacrifice but it is time for those sacrifices to stop.

I would die trying to save any one of them but it is killing me trying to hold on to them.

These children, who were such a huge part of my life for so long, are slowly becoming distant memories.  They are embracing a new family dynamic and it doesn’t include me.  They’ve chosen those people…an abusive drunk and two immoral narcissists with less than stellar reputations.

Everybody always says “some day your children will know the truth.”  I always say “my children don’t WANT to know the truth.”  Denial is so much more comfortable.  There’s no turmoil.  There’s no drama.  There’s only blind acceptance.  That’s easy.

I wasn’t trying to be mean when I told her that I had spent almost my entire life wishing that I had a mama I could talk to…and that I hoped none of them woke up one day and wished they could talk to theirs.

That was it.  I was closing the door.  I was finally accepting what has already happened.  They are gone.

Does this reinforce the belief that I am “insane?”  I’m sure to the puppet, his puppet-master and my children, it does.  To me, it is the most sane thing I have done in a long time.
I have stolen their bullets.  They will no longer be able to shoot me in the heart.

With that being said, I do wonder, though…what do I say when somebody asks “do you have any children?”

41 thoughts on “Stealing The Bullets

  1. I am sorry the names in are using make me laugh, drunken Hines brilliant and puppet and puppet master…..as she is the puller of strings….the puppet is prick for certain….vile and foul.
    You, my dear are human. Xx


  2. I’m so sorry I am late in reading this. 😕 I think that you have done everything that you can to try and carry on healthy relationships with your kids and that there’s nothing wrong with taking a little time and space for yourself. I’m hoping you can take this time to try and heal. Great big hugs to you My Friend! 💖


  3. Mothers need to know up front that labor pains are the easiest part of having children. …… Please don’t push #3 away, she seems to need her Mama. Let her decide what is best for her. Since you were both Mother and Father to your children, have a nice Father’s Day.


    • She really doesn’t “need her mama.” She’s strong. I know she always says “I don’t give a shit” but she could have a family…if she wasn’t loyal to me. She and her sisters could have a lot of fun together. The puppet could shower her with fake affection just like he’s doing to the others. She could get to be pals with the puppet-master. She would be the ultimate prize. (I’m sure I’d get a message…something like “ha. I met your youngest and we went shopping…together. What were YOU doing?) LOL


  4. Hey Laurel. So sorry about all this I know it must be tough. I am inclined to agree with Sam though, I think you shouldn’t give up either your you ngesten daughter it seems like you have had a special bond of some kind… I dont know the whole story behind your relatuinshio to her, but to me it seems you have affection between the two of you. There must be a reason she stuck by you. I hope you 2 get a chance to keep being in each others lives. Hugs


    • I understand but she’s young and she needs family. I’m so far away and they are right there. The puppet and his master are making regular trips…trying to be “family.” LOL. I just can’t believe I raised such blind children. They can’t see what’s going on. Oh, well.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I believe that they can see at least some of what is going on, but that they are in denial… Anyway, I will still hope you don’t close the door on your youngest daughter, or that she does it to you,cause I think it woul dbe terrible for both of you. Hugs!


  5. Laurel, I think you should allow your youngest daughter to make up her own mind about whether it’s worth it to continue to stick by you. Don’t push her away too. Seems to me she has chosen to stay by you because she wants to, not because anyone told her to. You do her a disservice by telling her to just give in. She’s a big girl and she makes her own decisions. The best you can do is support her and thank her for sticking with you.

    Liked by 3 people

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