I received yet another email from a long ago acquaintance. I am continuously amazed and I keep asking myself…..where were these people before?
It started out with the question…”are you the (*****) who was married to (Loser)?” Since my email is under my maiden name, I wondered how he “found me.” Then I remembered that Loser always wrote his OWN biography (praising himself) when he took a new job and he always mentioned that he was married to the “former” (me.) This man was a seasoned newspaper man and had no trouble tracking me down, which concerns me on another level.
This was a “very good friend” of Losers’ and for all I knew, he was going to say “Loser says you are totally insane now.” Not being sure about the purpose of the email, I responded with a simple “yes.”
He didn’t start with the same exclamation that M*** had… (“thank God you finally got rid of that Loser!”)
He asked for my phone number. I asked for his and said I would call him and I did…with a little trepidation.
Apparently, as soon as Loser started parading that WTC around, he was telling everybody that we had been divorced for years. That way, he didn’t have to explain her to anybody, especially the people who knew me.
This man actually mentioned to Loser that he heard we were divorced. Loser lied and said “yeah, we didn’t make it.” When he asked what happened, he said Loser said “hey, man. I’m not discussing my wife with you.” He said he thought it was funny….he was representing himself as divorced, yet he was still referring to me as “his wife” (which of course, I was.)
This man knew about (or had heard rumors) of alleged “romances” with other women. I told him I had heard them, too. I never thought anything about it when these “women” were the first people Loser hired when he went to another paper.
I told him that I had no idea what was going on…that I had always trusted Loser and it was obviously poor judgment on my part.
I asked him point-blank. “If you knew, why didn’t you say anything to me?” He apologized and said he didn’t really know why. I asked “were you afraid of him?”
He said (Loser) was a tyrant who “had power, so yeah, I guess I was. Everybody was somewhat afraid of him.”
I could feel my blood pressure rising when I said “and because people were so afraid, he was never taken to task. All bullies are cowards. All it would have taken is ONE person to stand up to him. Just ONE.”
He said “we needed our jobs.”
I understood. I also realized how fruitless my words were. I finally stood up to him and all I got was “you’re a vindictive bitch.” He couldn’t fire me but he sure tried to make me pay…by trashing me to the judge.
I said “I wonder…Loser’s retired now, but does he still have power? Can he make a simple phone call or drop a casual line to the man he put in charge after he retired (the man who said ‘if Loser dropped dead in the middle of the newsroom floor, nobody would get out of their fucking chair to check on him…including ME?’) Could Loser still potentially ruin somebodys’ career?”
He said “I imagine he could…or at least try, if he wanted to.”
I knew that Loser could ruin somebodys’ career when he was still working. I knew that he fired people he “didn’t like” every time he took a new position. I also knew he instilled fear into everybody who worked for him. Fear is power.
I knew that when another newspaper called him for a reference, if he didn’t like the person, he trashed them. When he told me about it, I figured those “people” were worthless…at least that’s what Loser said. I believed him because I thought Loser had honor and those people didn’t.
This man said “(Loser) was almost universally the most despised man in the business.”
After Loser was fired in **********, he found out just how poisonous his reputation really was. Nobody was beating down his door with job offers. Nobody would even return his phone calls.
One man who used to work for him had moved to another state. Loser called him and told him that he had been fired. This man went to his boss to promote Loser and said “he was looking for a job.”
His boss said “if you ever mention that mans’ name again, YOU will be looking for a job.”
Another woman Loser had known from earlier in his career, was now running a newspaper. I’m sure Loser thought with his “charm and insincere flattery” he was a shoo-in for a job offer. She toyed with him for a bit and when he kept pressing her, she finally said “look. You have to understand that there are people out there who are better than you.”
When he told me what she said, the look of disgust on his face was almost scary. How dare that woman insinuate that he wasn’t “the smartest person in the room?” He threw something and mumbled that she was “a fucking bitch.”
I don’t know if that comment actually had an impact on him or not. I believe (now) that in his mind, she was just another woman who was “insane.” How dare she impugn him that way. How dare she not want to hire the great (Loser.) She HAD to be insane…right?
I imagine it was a blow to his ego. Nobody was bowing down to him and begging him to come run their newspaper, like he believed they always should have.
I remember when I told his fucking mama “you do know that we’re eventually not going to be together” she shook her head and said “this can’t be good for his ego.” That’s all she was concerned about. Not that he had betrayed me. Not that he had given me an incurable STD.
There was no plea to “try again” like she plastered all over Facebook to that WTC after he cheated on her. It was all about how I was damaging HIS fucking ego.
This man and I talked for quite a while and the more we talked, the more he just confirmed what a fool I had been all those years. He had seen Loser with other women. He has met that WTC. His comment was much like that of several others who have seen or met her. He said “she’s looks…….” I said “what…trashy?” He said “I was trying to be a gentleman but yes.”
I laughed and said “well, you know what they say….love is blind and all a man really wants is a trashy girlfriend.” He said “well, he sure has one.”
I have said before…if I bet, I would bet that nobody has ever referred to me as “trashy.” More than a few times when Loser introduced me to somebody their reaction was to look at Loser and say “oh, boy! You married up!”
He said he remembered the time we were sitting together at a function. Loser said something and misspoke. I asked him if he meant “something else.” He said “that’s what I said.” I said “no, you said ‘this’.” This man said he remembered Loser saying “no, I fucking didn’t.”
This man actually spoke up and said “actually, you did.” Loser was furious. He didn’t believe he made mistakes and absolutely did not like to be corrected.
He got up and left the table…probably to talk to somebody who would fawn all over him…and not correct him.
As we were taking, it occurred to me that shortly after that incident, this man left the newspaper. I asked him if he suffered Losers’ wrath because he defended me. He assured me that he didn’t. He said that he just wanted to work somewhere else.
I asked him how many other people in the business knew about Loser. He said “everybody.”
He asked me if I had “found” anybody. I told him that I hadn’t even been divorced a year, so no. I was still a bit raw. He said “I’m shaking my head. Everybody thinks you’ve been divorced for years.” I said “yep. That’s what Loser does best… he lies.” I told him I had come to think like my son, when he said “mom, I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Everything he says is a lie.” (Of course, that doesn’t keep my son from wanting Loser and that WTC in his life.) When you’re desperate for love and attention, you’ll try to overlook and accept anything, I guess.
Another voice from the past. Another affirmation. Another person who could have potentially saved me from many years of abuse and neglect…but chose not to “get involved.”
Does it help…knowing that so many people knew who and what Loser really was? Not really.
How many of them relegated me to nothing more than a simple fool? How many of them still believe Loser when he led them to think that I was nothing more than a “gold-digger” after I left him? How many of them believed Loser when he told them we were divorced long before I ever filed, simply to disguise his continued adultery?
This man told me to feel free to call him anytime. I told him I would. Will I? Probably not. The only thing we have in common is our apparent hatred for Loser. Why open old wounds? Why have more validation for what a blind, blithering idiot I was?
I thought I was a pretty good actress. So many times, we walked into a “function” or party and the people had no idea that just five minutes earlier, Loser had talked to me like I was less than nothing.
I thought I was fooling everybody. Obviously, I wasn’t fooling anybody.