Home » A disease-Giving Husband » I Used To Believe

I Used To Believe

A few minutes ago, God was rearranging the furniture in Heaven and the angels were crying uncontrollably.
Now, the Devil is beating his wife.

Those were things I grew up “knowing.”  When it thundered, I actually looked up and wondered where God was putting the lounge or the chair.  When the angels cried, I went outside and made sure the tears were hitting all the flowers.  I was scared when the Devil beat his wife and was warned by my granny “not to let him fool me by making me feel sorry for his wife.”  (The Devil was beating his wife when it was raining and the sun was shining.)

I sometimes wonder about the naiveté of a young girl who wanted so desperately to believe there was “something out there.”  I was aware of the Devils’ “temptations” and equally aware of a “vengeful” God, who my granny said would “strike me down if I didn’t obey Him.”

Even after the worst beatings, I would pray to God and ask him to make me a “better little girl.”  All I ever wanted was to be loved and I never gave up.

I lived through the “Bay of Pigs” in the sixties.  I was young but I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was allowed to “go home” because I guess everybody thought that the world was going to end.  Every time I heard an airplane flying overhead, it would scare me to death.  I dreamed that there were unexploded bombs laying in the yard.

I remember our teachers saying “your assignment for tomorrow…if there is a tomorrow.”
I guess mama heard me praying and telling God that I would try to be a better little girl if He would let me live.  She started making fun of me in front of everybody.  She said “she’s trying to be a better little girl” in the most mocking way possible.

When mama would call me “her highness” I would pray and ask God to make me a better little girl so she would love me.  When she called me a “parasite” I would pray and ask God to make me a better little girl so she would love me.
He always said no.

I kept that naiveté for many years.  I always believed that if you prayed hard enough and tried hard enough, your “rewards” would be great (as granny promised.)

Sadly, I learned that it didn’t matter how much you prayed or even what you prayed for.

The answer was always going to be no.

49 thoughts on “I Used To Believe

  1. I am glad I found your blog through my friend Deb. I am so sorry you had to live through this horror,,, my thoughts and prayers are with you, always… Michelle

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  2. This post makes me want to cry. I can’t imagine a mother not loving her child or a child feeling unloved. That is my biggest fear. But, my faith is bigger than my fear. I’ve learned that sometimes every delay is not a denial and that sometimes bad things happen. They’ve happened to me. Even when I thought I was losing my dang mind through the abuse and trauma he kept my sanity. My mind is worth something. Isn’t it? You know that I’m going to keep praying for you right? You’re an awesome and engaged blogger friend and I thank God for finding your blog. Hugs sis!

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    • Thank you so much and of course, I will accept! I’m going to nominate you for the Sunshine Award as soon as I can get it finished, so be on the lookout! (For some reason, this message went to my spam folder)

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  3. It’s so upsetting to read that you went through such an awful childhood. Your mother was awful to shame you and make you feel unloved. I’m sorry you went through this. I’m sorry you still suffer with the flashbacks of these memories. ❤️

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  4. Oh LWL, this is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you had to go through this crap in your childhood. Sigh. I said this before, but I want to go back in time and hug that little girl and tell her she is beautiful, lovable, and it is not her fault. Sigh.

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  5. I think people who profess how great and wonderful Christianity is are just a bit mad, I often wonder where do they get off? We non-christians aren’t allowed to say anything negative about their lives, but they can do what they like, cos they got God on their side.

    Times are going to have to change, all these religions are just outdated modes of thought, they have brought us to near self annihilation – some of them even want just that!

    I think its wonderful if people can feel value in spirituality – trying to cripple other people shouldn’t be a part of that. Honestly, I find them tiring!!! XX

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    • I believe in God but I don’t go to church. I find that the people who profess the loudest about being a “Christian” are the biggest hypocrites. I call them “God people.” I remember our pastor, preaching hell fire and brimstone. When I got older, I found out that he would call my daddy at three o’clock in the morning….drunk as a skunk, asking him to come get him and take him home. That’s a part of so -called “religion” that I want no part of. Like I said…my prayers never did me any good.

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  6. Oh man. You know this breaks my heart. You know where I’m at with all this. Just want to say, I love you. Your mama just couldn’t love, not herself not you, not anyone. A gift handed down from her mother to her. But you can, despite her shortcomings. And you are so worthy of being loved. One of my favorite posters is “you are enough. You are so enough. It is just unbelievable how enough you are. “. Xo.

    My sons father tried to pass the same lesson to him. I told him, “let that cycle end with you. Just end it.” It seems he has, so far. I pray that it continues, and I pray the same thing for you. Xoxo

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  7. And this is why I’m agnostic. I want to believe…but when the answer is always no for me and yes to others…it makes me angry and doubtful…and the person in me who wants to believe feels guilty for doubting cuz maybe that’s why he says no…vicious circle.

    I hope the answer for you is yes, one day soon.

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    • I understand exactly how you feel. Once you accept it, though…it gets a little easier, I guess. I was kind of hoping for the old adage “the squeaky wheel gets the grease”…you know, the more you pray the better your odds….LOL
      Didn’t work out that way for me. 🙂

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  8. Laurel, I am so sorry for the way that you were treated as a child. These wounds of brokenness lead us to go down wrong paths in life, including marrying the wrong people, like your Loser and my ex. Unfortunately, so many of us have looked for “love” in all the wrong places. I will keep praying for you.

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      • Laurel, my heart breaks for you. There are 2 sides of God… the side of Love, Grace, and Mercy and the side of correction. You were raised with the “hell, fire, and damnation” of some religions. You were taught the side of an angry God… but never the side of a Loving God, a Loving Father. Some religions are so wrong in their teaching. I was raised where “Baby Jesus” was still in His manger and He still hung on the cross. These are all wrong. Sometimes we have to let go of all that “religion” has taught us and just seek Him as a Person, no religion attached. I pray that you can find that side of God.

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  9. Your prayers were misguided, you should have asked God to make her a better mother. Sad that children have to suffer because of pathetic parents. God never let anything bad happen to you, He gave you the strength to survive the abuse from others. You now write posts that bring joy to a lot of people. You’ve been blessed.

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    • Lightbulb! I didn’t even think about it until I read your comment. I was being selfish. That’s another thing granny taught me…don’t be selfish…pray for others. Still probably wouldn’t have done any good, though….LOL

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  10. It makes me so sad that wickedness in these cruel people messed up God for you. I’m sorry you felt like the answer was alway no. I have no idea why things happen the way they do, but I know you are loved. You are very much loved. 💙

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  11. The way your mother raised you is what led to your allowing Loser treat you the way he did. I am sorry. You are a gem, and it appears as if everyone in your life failed to see this. You have good reason not to believe in people, men, or for that matter, anything else.

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  12. It breaks my heart to read this. I can understand so well why you lost faith.
    Most days I don’t have any faith either. In a higher power, that is. If it exists, I have never received any help from it, so far in life. But I do believe – in you, and in me…😉💜 hugs.

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