A few minutes ago, God was rearranging the furniture in Heaven and the angels were crying uncontrollably.
Now, the Devil is beating his wife.
Those were things I grew up “knowing.” When it thundered, I actually looked up and wondered where God was putting the lounge or the chair. When the angels cried, I went outside and made sure the tears were hitting all the flowers. I was scared when the Devil beat his wife and was warned by my granny “not to let him fool me by making me feel sorry for his wife.” (The Devil was beating his wife when it was raining and the sun was shining.)
I sometimes wonder about the naiveté of a young girl who wanted so desperately to believe there was “something out there.” I was aware of the Devils’ “temptations” and equally aware of a “vengeful” God, who my granny said would “strike me down if I didn’t obey Him.”
Even after the worst beatings, I would pray to God and ask him to make me a “better little girl.” All I ever wanted was to be loved and I never gave up.
I lived through the “Bay of Pigs” in the sixties. I was young but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was allowed to “go home” because I guess everybody thought that the world was going to end. Every time I heard an airplane flying overhead, it would scare me to death. I dreamed that there were unexploded bombs laying in the yard.
I remember our teachers saying “your assignment for tomorrow…if there is a tomorrow.”
I guess mama heard me praying and telling God that I would try to be a better little girl if He would let me live. She started making fun of me in front of everybody. She said “she’s trying to be a better little girl” in the most mocking way possible.
When mama would call me “her highness” I would pray and ask God to make me a better little girl so she would love me. When she called me a “parasite” I would pray and ask God to make me a better little girl so she would love me.
He always said no.
I kept that naiveté for many years. I always believed that if you prayed hard enough and tried hard enough, your “rewards” would be great (as granny promised.)
Sadly, I learned that it didn’t matter how much you prayed or even what you prayed for.
The answer was always going to be no.