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A Day In My Life

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I had to go get gas the other day.  I pulled up to the pump and opened the passenger door to get my credit card.  Somehow, I clipped my nose when I opened the door.

Now, I’m not like the infamous “flat-nose Curry” but I also don’t need a wheel barrow to carry my proboscis.  I thought one of those little black mosquitoes had landed on my nose, so I swatted it away.  I started pumping my gas and there was that little bugger again!  I kept swatting it away and it kept coming right back.

I looked down at my hand and it was covered with blood.  That little black mosquito turned out to be drops of vampire food.
OH, MY GOD.  I WAS HEMORRHAGING!  I got out a tissue and held it on my nose while I finished pumping.

When I got in my car, I immediately dropped my keys into that bottomless pit beside the seat and the console.  My car doesn’t need the key to start but I wanted to try to fish them out.  I have a pretty slender hand and it slipped into the crevice with ease but all I could feel was something sharp.

After a few attempts, I gave up and decided I’d find them later.  I pulled out my hand and it was covered with blood.  OH, MY GOD.  I WAS HEMORRHAGING!  It looked like I had lost a fight with a very large saber-toothed tiger.

I made it back home and decided I needed a boost….you know…my only sustenance….a bottle of Boost.  I always drink it with a straw, and after I opened it, I immediately caught the straw with my hand and knocked it over.  The Boost spilled all over the floor.  OH, MY GOD.  I WAS HEMORRHAGING BOOST!  There was Boost everywhere.  You can’t just wipe it up.  You have to clean it up with soap and water or it will be sticky.

I survived the day of trials and tribulations and went to bed.  I woke up about five or so, after having dreamed that somebody asked me if I knew that I had trees growing in my eyes.  Although I had dreamed in first person, I knew exactly what they meant and I could visualize them.  The “trees” looked like the flowery heads of broccoli.  I remember the concerned look on their face but I refused to take them seriously.
OH, MY GOD.  MY EYES WERE HEMORRHAGING TREES!

Lessons to be learned:

1.  Have your credit card in your hand when you get out of your car.

2.  Keep your keys in your purse or your pocket.

3.  When you drink something, don’t use a straw.

4.  Plant your trees.  Don’t stick them in your eyes.

27 thoughts on “A Day In My Life”

  6. I read this on my lunch break and you made me laugh out loud too! Even though, I have had a nosebleed from hell that would not stop and I went to emergency, where the dr on staff thought I’d been snorting too much crack or something. “Oh come on!! You’ve had nosebleeds before.” Geezus. No asshole never!!!!!! So he stuck some huge thing up my nose, inflated it with air, and taped the end to my face. I mean wtf. It felt like it was in my brain. I went back the next day and asked for something less dramatic, since I had no crack to numb the pain.

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    • LOL. I’d love to see a picture of you with your air balloon taped to your face! Some doctors are idiots.
      When you went back the next day, you should have asked for some crack! He might have taken you a little more seriously. Hahahaha.

      Liked by 1 person

    • LOL. Survived said she laughed too! It’s funny. Things like that don’t piss me off…they make me laugh as well.
      Loser took my sense of humor when he took everything else. Somehow, I managed to start finding it again. He always made me feel ridiculous when I tried to be humorous. I guess Executive Editors wives are supposed to be staid.
      So glad I made you laugh!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Hahah! I love this.
    Such a great sense of humor, this is definitely my kind of humor! “Plant your trees. Don’t stick them in your eyes”. LOL!!!

    I am wondering if you have ever watched the TV series “Black books”? It is British, and it’s about this man who owns a little book store. Now this man (the main character) is VERY bitter. Probably the most bitter person I’ve ever seen on TV, I think. He just goes through life sort of tired of it, and i guess he is kinda hating everything and everyone. He drinks wine all the time and talks to his two very strange friends. I almost never like comedy shows, but this one, I LOVED. I don’t know why, but it’s something about his bitterness and being so “blasé” about life, that is just great. It may not be in your taste, it certainly isn’t for everyone. But I thought I would mention it, since that tv series immediately popped up in my mind, when reading this post, for some reason. It felt similar in a way.

    I think I must rewatch that show now, cause I remember going through a heartache when watching it for the first time, and although I was miserable at the time, this show actually made me laugh!! 🙂 Sorry for the off-topic answer. The brain makes weird associations some time, when you read something, you know? 🙂 Hugs

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    • We don’t get many British shows over here, so I have never heard of it…but it sounds like something I would enjoy. I don’t watch comedies of any sort and have never cared for them.
      I’m glad I gave you a chuckle.
      Sometimes, I think I should change my name to Murphy (as in Murphys’ law.) LOL

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      • I can imagine you don’t get the British shows over there. I only found this show after a friend recommended I check it out. The thing is, I don’t care for comedies either, never have. This is the only one, cause it is so very different from all the other crap, in that it is actually funny, lol. 🙂

        Haha, Murphy! How funny. Whenever thins go wrong (which they always do), for example if we are on a trip, my brother and I usually just exchange one look, and then one of us utters: Murphy again!!
        🙂

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        • That damn Murphy! Somebody should have shot him long ago!
          Years ago, we used to watch Benny Hill. I think that was British. He was so off-color and down right funny. I think he died.
          I have started watching Downton Abbey again. It’s pretty remarkable…the way they talk reminds me so much of the way granny talked. She was Southern but spoke very proper British English, somehow.
          Now and then, I will catch myself telling somebody to do something “straight away” or saying I’m at the end of my tether. Where the hell that comes from, I don’t know. LOL
          You do know that British accents were recently voted the sexiest accents in the world, don’t you?

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          • Haha, I love the “classic American” answer of “shooting him” hahaha. 😀 I don’t think anyone here would ever say shoot, they’d rather say kill, or even beat up. We are not that tough here, I guess. 🙂

            Oh, Benny Hill is nothing compared to Black books! 🙂
            Great that you are watching Downton abbey, it is very nice to hear them speak to each other. More refined manners than today. 🙂
            I like how the British speak, I find it charming. Of course, the Scotland part of Britain is the most charming even when it comes to the language. 😉

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            • This is the second time I’ve watched Downton. I must have missed parts of it the first time….I’m seeing things I don’t remember….but I do remember how much I hated Thomas and Lady Granthams’ maid. LOL
              I like all of those accents…Scottish, Irish and British. 🙂

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              • It can be nice to watch good tv series again, you always seem to notice new things, I have found that too! 🙂
                Don’t you just love mr. Bates and Anna? It warms my frozen heart, to see those two! 😉
                Yes you are right about the accents, they are all charming.
                I had a boy from the US who was once in love with me, he loved my charming strange European accent. Lol. 😀

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                • Mr. Bates was immediately one of my favorites. Anna too. As the series progressed, the Dowager Countess captured me with her quick wit and sharp tongue. Can you tell the difference between the different accents of the United States? I asked our (Losers’) friend from Denmark if he could distinguish the differences. He traveled from Chicago to Atlanta and other places. He said he couldn’t tell the difference between an obvious Southern accent and a Northern one. Isn’t that strange? LOL

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                  • YEs, the Dowager countess was hilarious! 🙂
                    I believe I can tell the difference between US South and Northern accents, yes. 🙂 Perhaps not by “state”, but I think there is a big difference between Northern and Southern accents, huge difference! I love them both though. A hot man speaking either is fine by me! 😉

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                    • I’m surprised we even still have accents, considering the migration from north to south, east to west and vice versa. A hot man speaking in ANY accent is fine with me. LOL.
                      (Just because I like to listen to his accent doesn’t mean we’re engaged.) Hahahahahaha!

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