Home » A Wasted Life » “Thank You For Not Killing Me”

“Thank You For Not Killing Me”

Several years ago, I was waiting for Loser to make his bi-yearly trip to Florida to “see me.”  He had texted me that he was running behind and wouldn’t get there until after eight.

I decided to watch television while I was waiting and I found that movie, “The Perfect Husband.”  (The movie about Scott Peterson who killed his pregnant wife.)  Loser had a key to my house so he let himself in and came into the living room.  I didn’t get up to meet or greet him.  I rarely did.
I asked him if he needed any help bringing his things in and he said “nah.  I just want to rest for a minute.”

I didn’t think he’d be interested in watching so I told him I would change the channel.  He said “keep it on there.  I’ll watch it with you.”

We were sitting there watching this movie about a piece of shit husband who was fucking around on his beautiful, pregnant wife and who wanted to be free so he decided to kill her.

After the movie was over, I looked at Loser and said “I want to thank you for not killing me.”  He was so cavalier as he lit his cigarette and said “shoowa.” (Southern for sure.)

Why would it pop into my mind to thank him for not killing me?  I think I already knew subconsciously that he had killed me emotionally.  He just hadn’t killed me physically…and I fucking thanked him.

That memory prompted me to think about other things I should thank Loser for.

Here are some of those things:

1.   He always thought of himself first, which taught me how to be comfortable always being last.

2.   He left me alone most of the time, which taught me to be independent.

3.   He couldn’t be bothered if something broke in the house, which taught me how to become a handy-man.

4.   He bullied and demeaned his children, which taught me how to be protective.

5.   He went to bars after work every night, which taught me how to store left-overs.

6.   He was infuriated when I got sick, which taught me not to complain.

7.   He was outraged when I got hurt, which taught me to withstand pain and hide my injuries.

8.   He never asked to go Denmark for weeks at a time to play golf, which taught me that I could buy a new Coach purse and not feel guilty.

9.   He thought being playful was ridiculous, which taught me how to be reserved and unapproachable.

10.  He was disappointed that he sired daughters, which made me determined to raise them believing that they could do anything a man could do and probably do it better.

11.  He believed marriage vows meant nothing, which taught me to have no illusions about faithfulness.

12.  The family he was born into was all important, which taught me that we should never expect to matter and learn to live with disappointment when he consistently chose them over us.

13.  When he got a new job, he left me behind to take care of everything, which taught me how to be responsible.

14.  His absence meant I had to raise our four children almost on my own, which taught me how to be strong and resilient.

15.  He poisoned the only family that was ever really mine against me, which taught me how to live with loss.

16.  He felt that he was superior, which taught me how to feel inferior.

17.  He criticized me for not being educated, which taught me that in his eyes, I had no value.

18.  He wanted his name carried on by a son, who he treated like shit, which taught me that having a namesake meant nothing to him.


I learned to take slaps and being jerked around.  I learned to take his outbursts and name-calling.  I learned to live with being ignored.

Still, I am thankful that he didn’t kill me.


51 thoughts on ““Thank You For Not Killing Me”

    • I’m trying to get it back. I don’t know why I let Loser take that away too. I think it was the first thing he took. Executive Editors wives aren’t supposed to have a sense of humor…they’re supposed to be “queens.” Hmmmm….if he proclaimed himself “God” why then, wasn’t I the “goddess?” Asshole.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. LWL, your writing as always is awesome. Your sarcasm is definitely not lost on me, and I’m glad you are on the other end of this shit now. But, as always, I’m so sorry you had to wait so many years in suffering before getting out. Sigh.

    I’m going to watch this movie, “The Perfect Husband”. Sounds like it’s about my man.


    • It was a highly publicized event. I remember it well…long before they made the movie. He was a piece of pig-shit…just like (well you know.)
      I can be quite sarcastic, can’t I? LOL. I’d rather use humor but my humor was squelched for so long….Loser didn’t appreciate it. He was much too sophisticated and I was supposed to be as well. My children remember. After the “crash” and I fell in a ditch, my middle daughter kept saying “I want my old mom back…the one who was so funny and could make us laugh. The one who made us laugh when we were scared or hurt.”
      That mom died, unfortunately.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh dear, I hope one day they will come to understand and appreciate what you’ve been put through by the Loser. Sigh.

        By the way, through your writings you come across as a highly intelligent woman. I hate that this ‘highly sophisticated’ Loser gave you a hard time (for just about anything but here I mostly refer to your smarts). I guess he got what he deserved… And you got your much deserved freedom back, I hope that the much deserved joy and fun and partnership are coming up soon, too. Just don’t take a freaking trip!


        • Yeah, apparently that sheepskin means everything to Loser. I know he’ll be thrilled when that WTC finally graduates. Hell, maybe she could actually get a job and help him out…paying her bills. LOL
          I don’t plan on taking any trips…and I don’t plan on doing anything with my house in October…and I’ve still got my eyeballs peeled for that tall, light-skinned, dark haired man. LOL
          Thank your for the compliment about coming across as highly intelligent. One of the smartest people I ever knew (outside of Loser) once said “you may not be educated, but you come across as highly educated.” I really appreciated that…coming from her.
          Loser knew I was smart….I just didn’t have the piece of paper to “prove it” and he couldn’t “brag” about me the way he brags about that WTC.
          My son-in-law is a brilliant boy. He once said “you know, you are scary smart.” LOL

          Liked by 1 person

  2. He will always reamin dead inside. I do not believe you will remain that way. As someone else here said so well, your spirit lives on, because you are here blogging! One who is dead wouldn’t do that. 🙂
    Great post! You have many strengths, friend, a great many. hugs!


  3. He really was a piece of work. Geezus. It took me 2 men to accomplish everything Loser did all by himself. He gets the shit star for sure.

    Some lessons are valuable that we learn from these these (struggled to find the appropriate word) sick fucks (works as well as any I guess). Some of them, we should have never had to learn, and now need to unlearn them.

    Sucks. But the silver lining is that we all found each other because of them. Big hugs….😊


  4. Wow. Reading that, I could relate to almost all the points. It’s very tough when you think about it but at the same time, it made us the strong women that we are today. And I would like to think of myself as strong because who would put up with such jerks if we weren’t. Not only put up with their shit but also survive it. I think emotionally he killed me a million times. Maybe I’d rather he had killed me physically so I wouldn’t have suffered all that pain. But then again, I’m glad I’m here fighting for my boys…


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