The other night I dreamed once again, that I was kissing Loser. It was horrible. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. It was like he was some kind of fish or something.
I always dream in first person. I see everything in my dreams and I dream in color. I feel everything. Last night was the first time I ever remember actually “seeing” myself in a dream.
After I was through kissing Loser, I walked into a room that was made of mud…the walls, the floor, the ceiling…everything. It was dark and although I didn’t feel chilly, I knew it was cold in there.
There was no furniture in it except a mound in the middle of the room that resembled a tree stump although it too, was made of mud. I saw myself sitting on it. I was a young girl and I had curly hair.
My hair has never been curly. I was looking straight ahead but I didn’t see any detectable expression on my face. Then I woke up.
I have been spitting out stitches all day. There is one left and they were only put in on Monday. I’m not sure they should be coming out even though they’re supposed to dissolve. My jaw still hurts and although I hate to take drugs, I have taken a few ibuprofen.
I have been thinking about my high school friend all day. I am in run mode. I don’t want him to call me. I don’t want to have to fabricate an excuse when he calls and wants to come see me. It’s not an intuitive feeling. It’s not the Tarot cards speaking to me. It’s more of a “I need to get the hell out of here feeling.”
He’s a nice guy. What am I supposed to do with a “nice guy?” I have no idea how to act around a nice guy. He was looking at me yesterday. He wasn’t looking at my boobs or my clothes. He was looking at me. He cancelled a trip to have lunch with me. What the hell is that?
Loser planned a trip to Denmark to play golf on our 25th wedding anniversary. He told me that I could work at the golf course and bring home hundreds of dollars while he was gone…smiled and asked for a ride to the airport. THAT’S what I’m used to.
When my friend was walking me to my car yesterday, I almost told him he should pursue some of the women on that dating site. I don’t know why that popped into my mind but that’s what I was thinking. It was an escape for me. It was an “out.”
I imagine he’s on it to try to find somebody. I was on it for fun.
It wouldn’t be fair to him for me to act like I was interested in pursuing anything other than friendship but how much time is he going to waste on a friend?
Maybe he won’t call and maybe I won’t have to come up with an excuse.