Home » A Wasted Life » Dreams And The Next Day

Dreams And The Next Day

The other night I dreamed once again, that I was kissing Loser.  It was horrible.  I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  It was like he was some kind of fish or something.

I always dream in first person.  I see everything in my dreams and I dream in color.  I feel everything.  Last night was the first time I ever remember actually “seeing” myself in a dream.

After I was through kissing Loser, I walked into a room that was made of mud…the walls, the floor, the ceiling…everything.  It was dark and although I didn’t feel chilly, I knew it was cold in there.

There was no furniture in it except a mound in the middle of the room that resembled a tree stump although it too, was made of mud.  I saw myself sitting on it.  I was a young girl and I had curly hair.
My hair has never been curly.  I was looking straight ahead but I didn’t see any detectable expression on my face.  Then I woke up.

I have been spitting out stitches all day.  There is one left and they were only put in on Monday.  I’m not sure they should be coming out even though they’re supposed to dissolve.  My jaw still hurts and although I hate to take drugs, I have taken a few ibuprofen.

I have been thinking about my high school friend all day.  I am in run mode.  I don’t want him to call me.  I don’t want to have to fabricate an excuse when he calls and wants to come see me.  It’s not an intuitive feeling.  It’s not the Tarot cards speaking to me.  It’s more of a “I need to get the hell out of here feeling.”

He’s a nice guy.  What am I supposed to do with a “nice guy?”  I have no idea how to act around a nice guy.  He was looking at me yesterday.  He wasn’t looking at my boobs or my clothes.  He was looking at me.  He cancelled a trip to have lunch with me.  What the hell is that?

Loser planned a trip to Denmark to play golf on our 25th wedding anniversary.  He told me that I could work at the golf course and bring home hundreds of dollars while he was gone…smiled and asked for a ride to the airport.  THAT’S what I’m used to.

When my friend was walking me to my car yesterday, I almost told him he should pursue some of the women on that dating site.  I don’t know why that popped into my mind but that’s what I was thinking.  It was an escape for me.  It was an “out.”

I imagine he’s on it to try to find somebody.  I was on it for fun.
It wouldn’t be fair to him for me to act like I was interested in pursuing anything other than friendship but how much time is he going to waste on a friend?

Maybe he won’t call and maybe I won’t have to come up with an excuse.

 

42 thoughts on “Dreams And The Next Day

  1. All I will add to all the wisdom you already got is…don’t pre-plan your response. If you hear from him, listen to your gut while you talk to him. And think about where the fear comes from, and if you can work through it or not. I know it goes way back, not just to Loser….even though he was a huge part of it. I

    Good luck with this. Nothing easy about it. big hugs….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It is understandable that it is very hard to relate to a normal and nice man, after what you have been through. It would only be stange if you were immediately comfortable and secure in what you are experienceing right now. We take a lot of time to adjust to new experiences, sometimes.
    If I can give any advice, just take things slow. Do not make hasty decisions. Perhaps this urge to “cut him off”, is fear talking? Perhaps it is not, it could also be that you do not feel, nor will ever, feel anything else than friendship with him. If you are 100% certain about that, ok then, good for you. As long as you are not 100% sure, I wouldn’t be too quick to decide, if I were you. If possible, try and relax and see what comes. Could you have perhaps one more friendly “date”, and see how you feel after that? I don’t know, just trying to play with different perspectives here, different options…
    Cause I reacted to that you used the word “run”. That normally indicates there could be fear involved. We must not let fear dictate us. 🙂

    You will find the right path. Just give yourself time to consider it properly. 🙂 Hugs!!

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    • This may sound strange but the urge to “cut him off” isn’t fear (I don’t believe.) I believe it’s disgust. I thought a couple of times when we were getting ready to cross the street, he was going to grab my hand. I think I would have freaked the fuck out if he had.
      It’s just me.
      I don’t want to be touched. I don’t miss being touched…and I would never again believe a touch was sincere.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I understand completely. It is the damage from the narc, probably. I have a little of that, too, but not as much as you have, probably because you were exposed for such a long time to the narc… I do hope it can change though… everyone deserves hugs!

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  3. You so deserve to have the nice guy. To love him and have him adore you in return… You want to run away because you’re still hooked into Loser. He’s still got his claws in you… Still depriving you of all the love and care and respect you deserve……

    BUT………

    You know….. I do just so happen to know of a way you could cut the bastard loose……………….. (LOL- 😉😉- seriously though 🙃)

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  4. Change is always scary but can be the best thing that ever happens. A “nice” guy is definitely worth getting used to. I understand that feeling of wanting to run away. Try to just go with it. He hasn’t asked you to marry him. He just wants to get to know you. Worst case scenario, you both decide to part as old friends. No harm in that. This is a good thing, honey. You deserve to experience good things. 💙

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    • I just can’t do it, Sam. I just can’t. In a crowed restaurant, I can be at ease. One on one, I would be wanting him to get away from me. Him being in my car was so strange. He was only in it for five minutes, maybe. If it had been any longer, I think I would have really had a problem with it. I think I am just too damaged.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m sorry you feel that way. I come from the line of thought that no one is too damaged to heal and adapt. Prisoners of war and survivors of lifelong brutal treatment can heal with the right support. I know you can too. 💙

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        • Oh…I couldn’t even comprehend what those people suffered and my torture could never compare…but I think since mine started so early and it’s basically all I have ever known, I have lost any compass that might ever have pointed me in the right direction.
          I read your posts and Madelines’ posts and OMG. Where does that sensuality and sexuality come from? The ability to actually enjoy the touch of a man….I think I would rather get mauled by a bear.

          Liked by 2 people

          • Well, maybe you just need to start off slow. You have suffered great trauma, it’s normal that you would have difficulty with being able to e joy intimacy with anyone. Maybe you can tell him that for now you are more comfortable meeting him in public places like restaurants, parks, shopping areas, etc. if he really wants to get to know you, he’ll be okay with it. If not, then you got your answer.

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            • He suffered through the trauma of an unfaithful wife that took almost everything she could get her hands on…why would he want to be around somebody who is so clearly damaged? Of course….he IS a man…they seem to bounce back better than women (I think)….I know Loser could fuck anything that gave him a second look….despite being “so devastated at the loss of me.”
              Cry me a fucking river, you piece of shit. LOL

              Liked by 1 person

              • Everyone is damaged in their own way. Some more than others. You can’t decide for him if you are worth his time and effort. Only he can decide that. All you can do is be yourself and be honest with him. Give him the conditions that will help you feel comfortable meeting with him. There’s no harm in that. I think this could be healing for you, you stubborn woman. 😉 even the fact that you are considering seeing him again is a huge deal. Think back to 6 months ago. Would you have even gone on a date with anyone back then?

                Liked by 1 person

                • LOL. I probably wouldn’t have gone six months ago but just going the other day has sent me into a spiral. My jaw is killing me…my incision has split open and I am I realized that I haven’t opened my blinds since I got back. I’m hiding in my computer.
                  I’m telling you….there is something seriously wrong with me.

                  Liked by 1 person

                    • The first one I went to was a woman. I made her cry.
                      She’s too far away from me now.
                      The second woman was from New York and clearly hated Southerners. She spent almost the entire session trying to get me to buy the book “The Help.”
                      I told her I didn’t read books so she started telling me that it was about how horribly Southern women treated their maids. I pissed her off when I told her that I had never had a maid and that’s not why I was there.

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                    • Damnit! I guess Loser was right when he looked at me and said “I wish I’d made you go to school.” I could psychoanalyze my own damn self!
                      I do wonder though, when I would have had the time, what with raising our four children while he was fucking around.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • So I’m assuming you couldn’t go to school because of your children right ? I can understand from that point of view. I wouldn’t be able to finish college nor go to work if I didn’t have family help either. But I can say despite everything that has happened, I’m trying my best to pick for myself, it’s not easy but without some sort of doing something for one self, life consumes you and passes you by…

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                    • He only started grumbling about it when he got that WTC, who he so proudly says is “going to college.” That made her so much more valuable than me.
                      I don’t know how I could have gone to school. He was always at “work” (ahem) or traveling and even when he wasn’t, there was no possibility he would have taken care of the children while I was in class.
                      They were all grown when I went to EMT school. That wasn’t good enough for him. I don’t know where he thought I got my certification. It certainly wasn’t from a box of crackerjacks.
                      Let him have his trash. I don’t care. He’s having to pay for her tuition so…more power to him….and her. LOL

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’m not sure what you meant by “that wasn’t good enough for him.” Does that you mean you believe he thinks you were not “good” enough for him? Because you certainly know as much as I that’s not true ! You sacrificed your life taking care of the family. That is no easy task. You say you don’t care, but deep down there is still resentment. And again it’s understandable, the type of damage and abuse you encountered will take time to heal. x

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                    • Going to EMT school (in college) wasn’t good enough for him. Remember, our two daughters and their husbands’ are all paramedic/firefighters. His view of them “they’re just fucking firefighters.”
                      Can you imagine how embarrassing it was for Loser to have to tell everybody that his wife was just a “fucking EMT?”

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                    • Yes well if he wanted to become “something”, he should have hired nannies, housekeepers, butlers, cooks to do the household work. But I’m sure that would have been way too “expensive.”

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                    • He didn’t start making noise about my lack of a college degree until he met that WTC, who is “going to college.” She’s almost 60 so I guess it’s better late than never. I think he has it in mind that she might get a job and start supporting him. After all, he’s been paying her bills for several years now (he was paying them with OUR money before I ever knew anything about her.)
                      I wonder why she would bother to get a job when he’s perfectly willing to pay for her company.

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                    • Honestly getting an education is one thing and using your education is another. To me it’s just a piece of paper. Until the piece of paper is utilized and applies to your job, does it really matter ? I thought she was younger, but 60 and going to college? Okay. Lol. Let’s see how long they are together. 😉

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                    • They’ll be together until he dies or runs out of money. He’s too old to go out carting around and he’s retired now so he had to settle for the first piece of trash that came along.

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    • I don’t think I could deal with it. I would be waiting for him to slap me or jerk me by the arm or scream at me. That’s no way to live….waiting for something that may or may not come….but it’s all I’ve ever known.

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  5. What I learned about the dating web sites is that my initial intuition was usually correct. My mistakes always came when I argued with myself and went against my better judgment. I hope that’s helpful. 🙂

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