Home » A Wasted Life » Letting Go

Letting Go

I decided to do something a while back and I talked to my therapist about it first.  Several months ago, I emailed my two oldest daughters and never got a response.  I took that as their way of telling me that they didn’t really give a shit about me and that I no longer existed for them.

I told my therapist what I was going to do and he said “let it end.”

I went through my house and gathered up all the things that reminded me of them and put them into a box.  I found the picture my second daughter gave me from her wedding.  She had hand written “I am a married woman now, but I’ll always be your daughter.”

Since I was going to be in Florida, I decided to have them couriered over to my youngest daughters’ house.  I have long since forgotten what day is what shift and I didn’t want the boxes left on their doorstep.  I hope she got them and I hope her sisters didn’t give her a bunch of shit because she didn’t know anything about it.

Now, I have no triggers left in my house that render me sad or disappointed or feeling forgotten.  They chose that pig-shit Loser father of theirs and his WTC, so I hope they are all going to be one big, happy family.  It does me no good to try to figure out how they can forget that I was the one who was always there.

Maybe that WTC can send my son a carton of cigarettes when he’s begging for them…no wait.  She can’t even pay her own taxes or tuition…so what am I thinking?  Well, maybe she can offer “something” to Loser and he can give her the money and she can be the heroine she wants so desperately to be.

I found the pictures of my daughters when the oldest was only two and the middle one was only one.  I returned the quilts they made for me and even the little card that my oldest made when I went to and passed EMT school.

My middle daughter had a beautiful silver box engraved “to my mom….my best friend.”  She had gotten me a little charm that had EMT engraved on it and I wore it every day when I worked.  I loaned it to my oldest daughter to pin under her wedding gown.  There was also a little cloisonné pill-box that I kept the diamond earrings Loser gave me in.  All of those went into the box.

I thought I would be incredibly sad when I packed the things up but I wasn’t.  I haven’t seen my middle daughter in over a year and I haven’t seen my oldest daughter since I left, which is now one month shy of a year.

It didn’t feel like saying goodbye to old friends.  It felt like saying goodbye to Loser.  He was never my friend and my children hadn’t been my friends in a long time.  I guess it was the same feeling they had when they chose Loser and that WTC over me….it was no big deal.

I’m not worried about them.  They have their careers and their husbands and their husbands’ families.  They have Loser and that WTC and they have each other.  They are going to be fine.  After all, the good of the many is far more important than the good of the one.

I really don’t give a shit about Loser and that WTC but I hope my children have long, successful, happy and healthy lives.  My children are remarkable human beings and they deserve all the best that life has to offer.

If I could say one thing to them, I would say…don’t regret your choice.

Like Loser, you chose easy.  That’s what made you comfortable and you did what was right for you.  He was never there for you and now he is pretending to care to impress that WTC and you have allowed it because you are so desperate to have him in your life.  That WTC has made it clear to me that she intends to not only have Loser but my children as well.  You chose them at my expense.  You don’t care about what he did to me and you don’t care about what that WTC did to me.  You chose to close your eyes and ears to it.  You believed all the lies he told you.  You let him convince you that I am clinically insane.

It’s okay.  I understand.  NEVER regret your choice.


31 thoughts on “Letting Go

  1. Wow, I am so saddened and moved by this. I am new to your blog but will begin reading so I understand what your story is about, I can only imagine… I am a victim of a narcissistic psychopath as well. it has only been 5 months since I left him and I was only with him for a year so I can only imagine what your pain must be like when I know how horrible this has been and continues to be on me…. I think I am still in shock that any human being can treat another this way… but then again, maybe they are not human?.. much love and peace to you and I will continue reading your story, thank you for being brave enough to post and share this, I know it is hard. Michelle


    • Thank you, Michelle. I will read yours as well. There’s a great support system here and were it not for all the new friends I have made here, I don’t know what I would have done. It’s a horrible club to be in but the sister/brotherhood you find here is a great comfort. 🙂


  2. My son and I were really close, but have not spoken to each other in over a year. Painful but not debilitating. We can only do so much and then move on. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Living well makes a statement and I love strong statements. Their loss.


  3. I’m sad reading this, Laurel. But you are a beautiful soul, one who has been so terribly wounded. More than anything, I want for you moments of color, of promise. I want you to see how much your writing means to all of us here. I want you to know that we grieve with you, we hurt with you, we cry – perhaps for you – since your tears dried up a while ago. I hope you feel so many of us caring for you, lovely lady. HUGS.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. I do feel arms around me.
      I remember all of those little souls, who I thought were the only thing that truly belonged to me….at last I had a family….but….like so many things, it wasn’t meant to be.
      I survived my childhood. I survived that horrendous marriage. I’ll survive this, too.
      Thank you so much for your words. They mean so much to me.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. This is sad, for them because the day will come when they realize the mistake they made by letting you go. And it might be too late to remedy any damage done. You are a beautiful soul Laurel, and those who can’t see that are truly blind.


  5. You see. That breaks my heart. A lot. I’m not sure I can be as strong as you are. I’m not sure if I can just let it go. I will probably go all crazy on Loser and that WTC. So, I salute you for your courage because it does take a lot of that to reach that closure…


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