Oh, my Lucy. I hate to give up the hilarity of my experiences but it’s becoming ridiculous.
56 years old. 6’9″ tall. His message is “I’m over six feet tall and I can shoot pool.”
“Give me a break and I’m not talking about on the pool table. You may be tall but obviously you can’t read.”
71 years old. 5’9″ tall. His message is “you are very pretty and know what you want. I applaud that.” He goes on to say that his interests are going to the beach, playing pool and he is looking for a long-term relationship.
“Thank you for the applause. I will now curtsy and take my leave.”
62 years old. 5’11” tall. His message is “great straightforward profile. I don’t sleep with my animals. I don’t even have any. You are an interesting lady. I haven’t found many honest people here. Are you real?” He then says “if you’ll give me an inch, I’d like to get to know you.”
“You like straightforward? Okay. You said you don’t have any animals, yet your profile says you have (and love) your dog. How do you know I’m interesting? You don’t know me. You haven’t found many honest people here? Maybe YOU should be honest and see if that helps. Am I real? No. I am a cardboard cut-out and you’re not going to be allowed to play with my paper-dolls. If I give you an inch, what are you going to ask for next?”
69 years old. 5’9″ tall. His messages are “like to meet you baby. Like to talk to you sometimes, baby. Let’s talk sometimes, baby.”
“I’m not your baby. I don’t care what your interests are. ‘Nough said.”
56 years old. 5’10” tall. His interests are the beach, the casino and football. He loves to watch games in bars, while playing pool. His message was “I’d love to chat and get to know you.” When I messaged him that there was too much of an age difference, his message was “what? Too old for you? You like them younger?
“Yes. I prefer jail bait. It makes the experience so much more exciting, especially with the possibility of getting caught. Did I mention that Mary Kay Letourneau is my best friend?”
41 years old. 5’7″ tall. He loves all kinds of sports and has a favorite sports bar. He loves boating and camping. He had pictures of all his animal heads mounted on his wall. His message was “hello, beautiful. You sure don’t look your age. Are you sure you’re not lying?”
“No, I’m not lying and you are too young.”
He responds “I bet you’re a good kisser.”
“Yep. That’s what I said. I’m one hell of a kisser. I bet you are too, so bend over, put your head between your knees and kiss your own butt.”
66 years old. 6′ 2″ tall. This one is my high school friend. He remembered the apartment I had when I was working and trying to save money for college. It seems like I remember him taking me home once. (Apparently, we used to hang out. Yikes. I don’t remember.) He remembers the Supremes’ song that he says I “played over and over and over.” I remember which one he was talking about.
I told him that I had a blog and was posting humorous stories about my escapades on this dating site.
He asked me to write one about him. (?)
He’s going somewhere (I can’t remember) and will be back on Thursday. He said it would be great to get together and gave me his phone number. Now…here’s where I stumbled. He asked me if I rode motorcycles.
“Your age is perfect. Your height is perfect. I used to know you and you were a nice guy. Trust me. You don’t want me to write about you and you’re not suitable fodder anyway. Being a proper Southern gal, I don’t call men. You must call me. And, the mention of motorcycles leaves me asking…am I going to have to beat you severely about the face and shoulders?”
I’ll let you know.