Home » A disease-Giving Husband » The Kiss-Off

The Kiss-Off

I’ve been slowly giving the proverbial “kiss-off” to most of the men who have messaged me…either that or I have just been ignoring them.

One of them messaged me and asked me if I was “too good to respond.”  In his picture, he was in a bar with a beer in each hand.
“Yes, I am.  Try again when you learn how to read and by the way, I’m not interested in a two-fisted drinker.  I’ve already suffered through that.”

Another took my exit as an insult and wanted me to know that I was more or less missing out on “the wonder that was him.”  In his picture, he was shirtless, on the back of his motorcycle and showing off his “colors.”
“Sorry.  I’ve already been married to God so ‘the wonder that is you’ is a little lacking.”

One of them had hair down to his shoulders, was holding his shotgun and proudly displaying his latest kill on the front of his truck.
“Um….what did I say about shooting dinner?”

There’s one who is limited to either one word or one sentence.  He says “Really?  There must be a mistake on your profile.”   “Your 65?”   “Your beautiful.”
“Again.  My 65 what?  My beautiful what?  Sorry Jack,  YOUR mistake was not using the proper contraction.”

I really like the one who messages me four of five times a day.  All he says is “hello.”  That’s all he ever says.  He has taken a picture of himself in his big rig but did not forsake his motorcycle in the garage nor did he clean up the empty beer cans scattered all over the floor.
“Okay.  My vocabulary consists of more than one word and I am actually capable of understanding more than one word, even if they’re strung together to form a sentence.  But, I will try to speak your language.  Trucks.  Motorcycles.  Beer.  You.

Another is sending me “gifts.”  Pictures of teddy bears and strawberries but no picture of himself and not even one word.
“I have plenty of teddy bears and my teddy bears are better than your teddy bears.  If you’re trying to indicate something along the lines ‘if you were a strawberry, I’d pick you’, I say visit another patch.”

This one is priceless.  His call tag is “coonass.”  He sent me a picture standing beside his motorcycle, another one shirtless and the third one with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other.  His messages always start with “hello, beautiful lady.  I love to ride my motorcycle and go hunting.”
“Okay Mr. Coonass.  I suggest you hop on that motorcycle and keep on huntin’.”

One was sending me random messages and last night he sent me one that said “the Jews turned Jesus over to Pontius Pilate.  He washed his hands of him.  The Jews killed Jesus.”
“I’d like to apologize for all of my Jewish friends (whom I adore, by the way) for killing your Lord.”

What the hell?  First I get the “proud to be WHITE and Southern.  Now I’m getting the “blame the Jews for everything.”

He messaged me back and said “when you’ve had a stroke, you get emotional.”
“Sorry, pal.  Having a stroke doesn’t excuse antisemitism and there is zero tolerance for that bullshit in my world.”

One man is interesting.  The only thing he said right off the bat that I didn’t like was “I’m not quite six feet but I could stand on something.”
“Well, just under six feet tall could mean anything  from an inch to five feet, eleven and I know how you men like to exaggerate about your size.”
He says he is educated and can in fact, form a complete sentence.
“You could be like Losers’ little brother who spent twelve years trying to graduate from Duke and when he couldn’t (due to his professors, of course), his daddy told him to lie.”
He keeps asking me if I’ve ever been married and I keep dodging the question.  I told him that the past is past and I don’t really want to talk about it.
“It’s really none of your fucking business, is it and what part of I don’t want to talk about it are you not understanding?”
Then he wanted me to describe my body to him.  He said the categories on the profile page could be misleading.
“I said on the profile that I was slim.  If you want measurements or a picture of my boobs, you’re out of luck.”

Newsflash!  I just checked and found the picture of a guy I went to high school with.  I went to our reunion last year (the first one ever) and I saw him there.  He came up, hugged me and said “I’d really like to talk to you later.”  His twin brother told me that he was newly divorced and I should “hang around.”
I knew he had “liked me” at some point but back then, I only had eyes for my first and still not forgotten boyfriend.

Should I send him a message?

 

70 thoughts on “The Kiss-Off

  1. First of all, wow! Your post was so appealing that even if i was almost asleep, i would read it twice! Secondly, i don’t know what happened between you and your ex-boyfriend, but i can advise you to text him and let the specific, female pride away.(we all tend to use it in excess) In general it’s better to do this. I hope you’re still in good terms. I had the same feeling as you have about my ex and one year and a half after we broke up i was still in love with him so madly that i couln’d see other guys. Maybe you just have to move on and the only viable solution is to talk to him in order to calm down and appreciate the boys around you. (even if they tell you “your 65”:)))) I’m sorry for such a novel, but i wanted to share my advice and to help you somehow. Hope you’ll take the right and the best decision for your health and soul;) Kisses:*

    Like

    • Thank you. You gave me several chuckles. My “ex” was not a boyfriend. He was my husband of almost forty years. He was a lying, cheating, disease-giving narcissist. I divorced him after I found out that he had yet another tramp on the side.
      I “joined” this site because several of my fellow bloggers had joined one. I had no intention of “meeting” anybody and these guys are just too hilarious. I thought it would be good fodder for my blog…..and I was right.
      My days of communicating with my ex (Loser) are long over.
      Thanks for reading!
      Hugs. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dating sites, oh boy! Been there, seen that and after reading this post, it is just a reminder why 90% of people are still single in those sites. Those who don’t read your profile, shirtless photos and those “copy paste” messages to everyone as if it’s not obvious! Love your sassy attitude, you go girl!

    Zaria

    Like

  3. This is all too much! At least you can see the humor in it. My oh my, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Geez.

    Like

  4. Hahahahaha! Love these! Especially since I don’t get anymore myself to keep entertained! I say message the guy from high school!! What have you got to lose? If anything, it’s a nice connection to your past that maybe isn’t as negative as all the others. I say that’s a good thing. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Don’t forget to message you old friend and potential new boyfriend 😏….have super day/night Laurel, I am off to work soon xxx

    Like

  6. Yes to the high school guy. YES, I agree 90% of the web dating guys did not read my profile, only looked at my picture. I specially said in my profile, please make sure to let me know you read it, and say that first, so I can put you at the top of the list type of wording, but again only 10% did…. so yes no surprize you get guys who do not pay attention.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. A Woot woot, before I read these….
    Omg the grammar fella, it hurts to laugh….your funny 😛

    Laurel you don’t enjoy a good road kill meal now then ….the skunk was to die for…..😞

    Ha ha ha, the cross out words ha ha ha

    Succulant 🍓 perhaps, ick…..
    Online dating inappropriate political and racial stancing, whilst atop a chopper….weilding firearms and siphoning a keg…..calling all dream lovers lol
    Tsk when asked describe you body, say when we go on date you will find out, otherwise piss off 😛 maybe a little more finesse through.

    Yes, yes yes on the high school fella, he might be the only good one……
    Worth a try❤️

    Like

    • LOL. I feel bad for some of them. The guy who had a stroke…I thought he was nice…but when he came up with the killing thing, I couldn’t go any further.
      I may do it for another couple of weeks and then I’ll shut it down.
      It really has been so wonderful blog fodder, hasn’t it? LOL

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Lol at all these crazy men with motorcycles and beer! 😀 There seems to be so many of them, like they are made in a factory somewhere!
    About the old guy from high school, why not? You can just chat friendly, pretend to want to catch up… 😉 and see if anything comes of it. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s