I was reading a post today by crystalempath. The gist of the post was to let people know that you care about them now…because time is fleeting.
I commented that it sort of reflected my view of life…and death. I always told Loser and my children that I wanted my flowers and kind words while I was still alive. You can’t hear and see and smell after you’re dead and I despise the hypocrisy of denying those things in life but showing them in abundance after death.
I dare say that if I died and my children knew, they would be the very ones standing by my grave, the epitome of hypocrites, crying crocodile tears and throwing flowers on my casket.
They don’t cry for me now. They criticize me and confirm to each other their belief that I am insane.
My question is….how are you supposed to tell people things that you’ve never heard yourself? How do you say or write phrases that literally make you cringe?
One of crystalempaths ideas was to write a letter and just put it aside to revisit later with the idea that feelings may change or something might need to be added.
Another was to write it and then burn it.
A previous counselor suggested that I do that. I didn’t want to but I did. I had the ceremonial burning and let the wind carry away the ashes. All that did was leave ashes in my yard.
The next step was to write letters and tear them up, which I did. When asked how I felt afterward, I said “it was just like tearing up pieces of junk mail.”
Writing a letter of forgiveness, whether or not the intended recipient ever knows it was awarded should be cathartic, shouldn’t it? To me, just writing it down, whether sincere or not, is a reprieve and that is something I cannot and will not offer. I don’t give pardons so that somebody can be relieved of guilt while the people left behind in the devastating ruins they caused are still suffering.
If I wrote a letter to my children, what would I say? Would I present myself like a death-row inmate begging for clemency? Would I apologize for not being the mama they used to have? Would I apologize for not forgiving all of Losers’ transgressions? Would I apologize for not allowing Loser and his WTC to be my new BFFs (after Loser said he wouldn’t give me a divorce?)
Would I remind them that it was I who was always there for them?
The most important question is, if I wrote them a letter, would they even care? I don’t think so. It would just be one more thing for them to share with Loser, the WTC and each other and say “see. We keep telling you. Mom’s insane.”
I have no intentions of doing it, of course. Maybe it’s because I’m a piece of shit. Maybe it’s because I’m evil…or maybe it’s because I’m dead inside.
There will be no letters from me to anybody. There will be nothing left behind to trigger anybodys’ pretentious and sudden affection, which would clearly be exhibited for display purposes only.
I’m okay with it. I didn’t have a family growing up. I thought I was going to have one when I got married but that didn’t work out too well….so again, I don’t have a family.
That was the story of my young life but never in a million years did I think that was how it was going to be at the end of my life.