Home » A disease-Giving Husband » Words, Thoughts And Letters

Words, Thoughts And Letters

I was reading a post today by crystalempath.  The gist of the post was to let people know that you care about them now…because time is fleeting.

I commented that it sort of reflected my view of life…and death.  I always told Loser and my children that I wanted my flowers and kind words while I was still alive.  You can’t hear and see and smell after you’re dead and I despise the hypocrisy of denying those things in life but showing them in abundance after death.

I dare say that if I died and my children knew, they would be the very ones standing by my grave, the epitome of hypocrites, crying crocodile tears and throwing flowers on my casket.
They don’t cry for me now.  They criticize me and confirm to each other their belief that I am insane.

My question is….how are you supposed to tell people things that you’ve never heard yourself?  How do you say or write phrases that literally make you cringe?

One of crystalempaths ideas was to write a letter and just put it aside to revisit later with the idea that feelings may change or something might need to be added.
Another was to write it and then burn it.

A previous counselor suggested that I do that.  I didn’t want to but I did.  I had the ceremonial burning and let the wind carry away the ashes.  All that did was leave ashes in my yard.

The next step was to write letters and tear them up, which I did.  When asked how I felt afterward, I said “it was just like tearing up pieces of junk mail.”

Writing a letter of forgiveness, whether or not the intended recipient ever knows it was awarded should be cathartic, shouldn’t it?  To me, just writing it down, whether sincere or not, is a reprieve and that is something I cannot and will not offer.  I don’t give pardons so that somebody can be relieved of guilt while the people left behind in the devastating ruins they caused are still suffering.

If I wrote a letter to my children, what would I say?  Would I present myself like a death-row inmate begging for clemency?  Would I apologize for not being the mama they used to have?  Would I apologize for not forgiving all of Losers’ transgressions?  Would I apologize for not allowing Loser and his WTC to be my new BFFs (after Loser said he wouldn’t give me a divorce?)
Would I remind them that it was I who was always there for them?

The most important question is, if I wrote them a letter, would they even care?  I don’t think so.  It would just be one more thing for them to share with Loser, the WTC and each other and say “see.  We keep telling you.  Mom’s insane.”

I have no intentions of doing it, of course.  Maybe it’s because I’m a piece of shit.  Maybe it’s because I’m evil…or maybe it’s because I’m dead inside.

There will be no letters from me to anybody.  There will be nothing left behind to trigger anybodys’ pretentious and sudden affection, which would clearly be exhibited for display purposes only.

I’m okay with it.  I didn’t have a family growing up.  I thought I was going to have one when I got married but that didn’t work out too well….so again, I don’t have a family.

That was the story of my young life but never in a million years did I think that was how it was going to be at the end of my life.

46 thoughts on “Words, Thoughts And Letters

  1. Number one. You DO have a family. All of us, sisters, out here who understand exactly what you’re going through… We’re your family. Even if extended.

    Number two. I just can’t wait for you to read The Secret of Forgiveness (once I write finishing writing it). And I can’t wait to hear what you think of others as they are published. I hope they help you as much as they’ve healed me.

    Number three. You’re magnificent and perfect. Just as you are. And everything you feel is right. No reason to judge your feelings. Honor yourself. You are a piece of God…. An angel disguised in a human body… You deserve the utmost of love and respect. There is nothing wrong with you.

    Number four (Last one). Everything is going to be alright. I love you, Sister.

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  2. You’re wonderful. You’re so wonderful. You seem to be hitting an ebb in tne cycle of up and down of depression that is pulling you darker than you’ve been in a few months- and it makes me just want to send you some beautiful things. A playlist of songs, a box of Girl Scout cookies, a plant to talk to. I hate that you feel broken. I hate that you poured your entire being into something- life- and had emptiness in return. You are such a beautiful soul and your life is so shattered by your experiences and I just wish I could make something actually make you smile. I worry for you momma. You are made of strong stuff, but you still need some support. Thank you for sharing. And I do think you should write a book. I think it would sell like gangbusters

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    • You’re right. I have hit a low. It seems like there’s just one thing after another. That crap with my son, who texted me yesterday with the same thing…”hey, mom. Hope you’re having a good day”….like NOTHING had happened. He completely forgot (or refuses to own) that he texted me horrible garbage three nights before. He learned that from Loser. Treat somebody like shit, sober up…or wait an hour…or forget about it…and then expect them to ignore it. I didn’t respond.
      The lack of response from my older daughters was hard to deal with but I was thinking about it the other day and something occurred to me that I had never thought of before….they think they’re SUPERIOR…something THEY learned from Loser. Everything’s about THEM. It’s all about THEM. Well, I’m sure they will finally have a wonderful family…with Loser and that WTC. Yay!

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  3. I know that you dislike reading books but I’m going to suggest two books that you need to read. Reason being…..I think that you express yourself as they do and they had really tough upbringings. Either go to your library and get them on tape or order them. Listen rather than read. I truly think it would help you tell your story through your words. You’re extremely smart and a really quick learner…..learn from their writing…….Frank McCourt…”Angela’s Ashes”…….Rick Bragg….”All Over but the Shoutin”.

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    • OMG. I remember wanting to watch the movie “angela’s ashes.” I don’t know why I didn’t. I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a book about my so-called life. I just can’t figure out the schematics of it…not being particularly computer literate.
      Are those lives as fucked up as mine?

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      • Forget the movie. Read or listen to the book. It’s the writing that makes the story so breathtaking. McCourt’s life was way more fucked up than yours and he found a beautiful way to tell his story. I promise you that you will not be able to put it aside until the last word. When I started at the beginning of your blog McCourt and Bragg both popped into my head……Go for it.

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        • Well, I never make a promise that I don’t keep (save the one to Loser and who the fuck cares about him) but I promise I will check into it….how’s that? I could probably stand to listen to it. I know my oldest daughter listens to books when she’s driving. Maybe on my way to Florida….

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  4. Want to talk insane….After reading and commenting on your Frankie post yesterday I’ve had the tune and lyrics from ” Frankie and Johnny” running through my head constantly. It only left me after sleep finally came……Nothing wrong with being a little insane.

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  5. The purpose for me is to to relive the guilt of the other party, but to allow myself the right to express my feelings and opinions and sometimes in a letter , once mailed it is gone from you. It is then I their hands, to open or not, to read or not, to reply or not. But, the writing and or the sending is for you, not them. What they do with it after is for them. But the wonderful thing is that there is the potential for change or healing on both sides. Open and honest communication is so important. I didn’t care if my N was raging, all I cared was that he was communicating his feelings to me so I knew what was wrong. It was better then we
    Hen he just left, and I had my imagination to keep me company. I opt for communication in any form, then not. Negative communication, we have choice to leave or ignore it or shut it down if we do not like what we hear.

    If you wrote a letter to your children you would tell them how you feel about what has happened in your life, how you feel inside. How you feel about them and the way they speak to you, disrespect or neglected you. It is about what you feel, keep Loser out of it, he is in far too. Many places as is. It isn’t about blaming, it is about expressing your feelings on your life. It isn’t about blame or forgiveness, unless that is what you want it to be about. Make it just about Laurel ❤️ the glory of it all. Is you don’t have to do it, that’s the point, it is an option. You just have to need what serves you best. Who knows maybe one day you sit down and just write and wonder and write some more, instead of crumpling it up and throwing it out or burning it…you just put it in safe place for you. It isn’t about pleasantries, it is about being real and true to how you feel inside, if you feel angry, express in any words that eases that pain, f words, are always helpful to me 😊

    Big hugs, this is good thinking from you and Crystal, it is a domino effect and now that will effect others who read it here too. That is magical to me.

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  6. It is indeed heartbreaking that you and your children are not in touch. It does not make you a bad person. You have your reasons and limits and they are yours alone to decide what you need from the other person, to make a relationship work.. and it also has to entail the other person working hard to rebuild the relationship. Which your children do not seem to be doing. I think it has to do with their old “fears” about Loser and less to do with you as a person… but still, it is just tragic.

    I do not have real solutions, can just send love and hugs as someone else also did. Even if you do not find writing letters cathartic, I hope the blog writing gives you some relief… I don’t know about you, but for me the blogging community almost started to feel like a small family of its own.. people care enough to comment on one’s joys and sorrows, offer support and advice etc. I know it obviously can not compare to one’s own family. But still, for me, it offers some joy in my everyday life. In fact, I have more contact with my blogger friends than with my own family.. lol.
    Hugs and strength to you, friend! Hang in there. I am sure there is more good things for you left to experience in life. 💜 🌼🌸🌼🌸

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    • Oh, the blogging family I have acquired is priceless and like you, it is the only one I have. I guess by blogging I am writing letter of a sort. I know my children will never read it and if they did, they would for sure mark it as a sign that I am insane….and Loser bashing. I have thought about condensing it into just the story of my life but it’s already on wordpress, so who would pay to read it? Of course, malignnarc posts and sells books. I just would have absolutely NO idea how to even get started….and who would want to read about my (as my son calls it) “tragic life?” And….would I use my real name? I sure would want to. LOL

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      • Your story could do very well I think, as a novel. Not all people out there know that your story is on WordPress…. who wouldn’t want to read about it? Some of the greatest stories of all time are about tragic events and peoples’ tragic lives… I do not know either, how you go about publishing. But hey, as you say, some bloggers do self publishing and that sort of thing. You could do a search on Google or Yahoo about “self publishing”, or publishing an “e-book”. Perhaps it would get sold on Amazon etc. And then you could save up for your dream trip..!! 😊 Or, as I talked about the other day with Learningtolivelikewater, a trip where we could all meet up, a blogger’s event, at her new place in Florida… or perhaps in Sweden.. 😊 I think you should look into publishing! 😊

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          • I see, yes it is not always easy to understand all those terms, I can imagine that. 😊 If your youngest daughter could help you that would be great. Also, it would be wonderful if you went to Florida to see Learningtolivelikewater. I would like to go to, but I already have 2 other trips elsewhere sort of planned already, so it may be quite long before I would get that chance.. I hope you do go down there though. 😊

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              • Nothing is completely decided but I have talked to my brother about taking a trip somewhere where it is sunny and warm, later in the spring. Although it won’t be Florida, cause he has been there already and wants to go somewhere else.. And then another “maybe” trip is with a friend to California, end of summer… I will see what comes of all this, only in the “dream” stage, for now…since it is certainly quite expensive to travel! 😊

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                  • 😁 Earthquakes, I hope not! We would be driving around a lot, like, a road trip. I may be able to stop and visit quickly with sam (samlobos) though, for a coffee or something… 🙂 But my friend wants to drive around and explore a lot, and that sounds good to me… but I still hope I could make it to Florida for a blog meeting some time. Or that a bunch of bloggers would want to come to Sweden (it is nice here anytime from May to September, then the hellish winter period begins). 🙂

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                    • Oh! Meeting Sam would be wonderful, wouldn’t it? She is a HOOT! I would love to come to Sweden…but the flying? Scare me right out of my panties! You MUST come to Florida! It would be so much fun if we all could meet down there!

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                    • Yes it would be so much fun to see her. 🙂 I know, about the flying… I have a severe fear of flying too… But I still do it, a couple of times a year… I love travelling so much that I defy my fear… and it is reeeeally bad. Like, I seriously think I am going to die. Every time… Yeah, flying ain’t fun. I would love to come to Florida, truly. But living on my own, my budget for trips is quite limited. 😦
                      But hopefully I could come at least some time, in the future. Would be fun 🙂

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  7. Reading your posts, I certainly do not think you are ” a piece of shit. ”
    Why on earth would you ever think such
    a thing about yourself?
    You come across as someone who has
    done their best, only to be rejected by the ones you loved. It’s absolutely despicable
    the way you have been treated.

    Liked by 1 person

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