Home » A Wasted Life » Now What?

Now What?

I went off the deep end the other day when I found out that my son had lied to me.  Was it a life-altering lie?  Was it an unforgivable lie or was it the kind of lie that leaves you feeling betrayed…again?

When Loser first “got” his WTC, my son was outraged.  He didn’t like the way Loser had sneaked around with her for so long, while still “playing” husband to me.  He didn’t like the way Loser was treating me and he really didn’t like it when Loser decided to turn me into his whore.

My son told me that he was “never going to meet THAT woman.”  I reminded him that Loser had made it clear that “if my kids don’t want to see HER, then they won’t see THEIR DADDY.”  My son said “I guess I’ll suffer the consequences then, because I am never going to meet her or have anything to do with her…EVER.  You are the one who has always been there for me.”

When “somebody” let me know that Loser was taking her to spend the holidays with my children, I knew my two oldest daughters would welcome her with open arms but I never expected my son to do the same thing.  He even told me (before I had gotten the note) that he told Loser “if you come to town, I’d love to see you but I’m not going to see her.”

The one time I talked to my oldest daughter, she obviously knew they were coming and said “I can tell you one thing, mom.  They are NOT staying here.”
Well, they did.
K**** has intestinal fortitude to spare but she was just probably afraid of the abusive bullying she would endure from Loser if she told him they couldn’t stay there.  I’m sure she knew if she said no to him, she would never see him again and he would reduce her to a pile of garbage.
It would have been okay with Loser to make K**** feel like shit…he has his WTC on his side.
It would have been hard for K****.

I found out that my son had indeed “met” her.  Just like with K****, I felt like somebody had punched me in the gut.  I got the usual text from him saying “hey mom.  Hope you’re having a rad day.”  I asked him why he hadn’t told me about meeting the WTC.  He never responded.

Three days later, he sent another text saying “hey, mom.  I hope you’re having a good day.”  I asked him why he didn’t answer my question.  He said “because I was just saying hello.”
I told him it was fine and he responded “quit being weird and stop trying to make me feel bad.  Anyway, you saying you hope I’m too well but NEVER saying you love ME.”  (Several words were misspelled in his texts.)

I said “clearly, you are drinking.”
He said “you ought not take your spite out on me.  MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.  I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU SHIT.  SCREW YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS.
If you don’t want a baby boy, fine.  Imagine how I feel…oh, wait.  You don’t feel.  So sorry about your tragic life, mom.  YOU’RE ABOUT AS SELFISH AS I AM.”

Then he said that it was okay that I was “CRAZY.”  ( I wonder who he’s been talking to?)

I told him not to text me anymore and he responded with “whatever.  Block your only sons’ number then.”  It took a few minutes before he texted me again.  This time he said “bullshit is what this is.  You are betraying your son, your blood.  You ain’t going to get me twisted.  You’re making stuff up in your head.  Why don’t you BLOG about it instead of taking it out on me?”

I blocked his number and spent all night worrying.  What if he got in trouble and needed to talk to me?  What if he got sick and needed advice?  What if he hurt himself?  How would I deal with that?
But, I also wondered why he says the things he says to me.  I wonder if he ever says things like that to Loser.  I don’t imagine that he does.  He would be too afraid of Losers’ wrath.

I also imagine that he HAS been talking to Loser.  I think Loser has successfully convinced three of my children that I AM indeed insane.  It has been mentioned by them too many times.
It also endears Loser to them when they think  “look at what poor dad had to put up with all those years.  Thank God he has a sane WTC now.  He REALLY deserves to be happy.”

Did I do the right thing?  I don’t know.

 

And then, there was one.

 

34 thoughts on “Now What?

  1. The fact that we love our children doesn’t mean that we have to like them when they’re being shitty. I adore my oldest son but right now he is doing something that is totally unacceptable and as long as he stays on that path I want nothing to do with him. Miss him so much I hurt but I won’t let him think that I will every accept what he is doing. I understand that grown children have their own lives and make their own decisions, but by damn I’m a grown ass woman who gave my all to my children and I won’t be a doormat for any of them. I pray my son will see the error of his ways, but I’ll survive whatever his choice……and so shall you..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Anna. Sons can rip your heart out….daughters can, too. I hope everything works out for you and your son. Like you, I refuse to be their doormat nor will I ever be anybodys’ doormat ever again.

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      • That’s okay. That’s what my daughter said once when I asked her not to say anything to Loser when he said the only time he expected to hear from her was if she wanted money. She said “I’m a grown ass woman. I should be able to say something….and YOU need to stop protecting him.” LOL

        Liked by 1 person

        • I did not mean this as an insult. I am not sure what to say on your family situation, it sounds so painful. I think of something to say, but then I think, even I could not take that advice. So guess I find when I have nothing – I do nothing until it comes to me. I stop it all, and tell them if you do speak with them. I am so hurt, I need some time to gather my thoughts so i dont say something to upset you (since I feel so overwhelming hurt) give me some time – because I don’t want to go further to hurt, I want us to heal, I just don’t know which way to turn right now. Then I would sit on it, and focus on my healing. Pray for the right words.

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          • Our relationships aren’t volatile…..they’re just non-existant….so it’s really a moot point…and they don’t care how I feel….it’s too much for them to deal with. They want to be around shiny happy people….like Loser and that WTC.

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  2. That would be the perfect solution but as I have said, when I ask them to honor my wishes, their answer is “we’ll try but it may not be possible.” If I don’t honor theirs….their response is to hang up on me and never speak to me again. I’m trying to look at it like so many have said….my children are missing out on their mamas’ golden years. Instead, they are focused on a parent who never had time for them and treated them like garbage. Their loss and their choice.

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  3. You did the right thing for you at that time, Laurel. That is what is important. You can unblock his number anytime, he shouldn’t talk to his mum that way, period. He gets that disrespect from His father. I also think he does speak to his father the dame, way, it sounds like a behaviour he cannot shut off. I hope it isn’t just directed at you.
    Plus, he lashed out cause he was ashamed he lied and disappointed you. He deflected that guilt and blame back onto you,sadly. Give him some time, then decide to either discuss it calmly to let it go. It isn’t worth the stress it creates within you after you have addressed it with him.
    Sending lots of love your way xx

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  4. They need to stop being part of your war. This is heartbreaking but both of you are using them as tools against each other. Of course he met the other woman. If your momma had told you she would love you if you shaved your head and chopped off your toes and ate them you would have done it. I’m so sorry. I have no advice I have no understandings, I have no words.

    I love you momma. I’m sorry you’re hurting.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I just had an image of actually eating my toes. The no contact rule works for me but he always invades it….when one of them tells me he asked about me or said something snotty. Since I don’t see them or talk to them, I can’t send them verbally abusive texts….but he does and it’s at my expense.
      You know, the whole exchange between me and my son wasn’t so much about Loser as maybe….his drinking. SOMETHING has to make an impact on him. If it’s me, “cutting him off” that finally gets him to sober up, then it will be worth it. He’ll get mad and pissed off at me and reach out to Loser…who won’t be there for him….so, maybe it will trigger something. I just don’t know.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I see your pain, friend. Excuse me for sending a long answer – but it is out of caring about you. Now what I’m about to tell you may be blunt, but I consider you a dear friend. So I hope you take it for what it is – meant to be some kind of good advice, experience from a child of divorced parents. What I think it all boils down to, is just the ancient theme of “Children who can’t stop loving their parents, or be made to “choose” between them”… It causes great anxiety within children (even adult children) to have to “choose”… I guess for you and me it would be like, to “choose”: “Do you want to cut off your left or your right leg?” The choice in itself becomes so hard, that the person/child, does everything in their power to “avoid” the choice… like your son, with his lie….. I bet you, that if Loser speaks ill of you, that your children feel upset, inside. That they do not speak up then, has more to do with their fear of Loser’s “punishments” than anything else. (Doesn’t mean they believe he is right)

    All I am saying is: Children will (almost) always, keep seeking love from an emotionally unavailable parent – at sometimes extreme “costs”. Psychologically, it’s one of the greatest wounds that can be inflicted on us, to not feel loved by a parent – I think you know this feeling, sadly.. (hugs!). I do aswell, although quite certainly not to the extent you did. But my parents could often be very emotionally unavailable, and I tried all I could to earn their love… and, I needed (and need) the love of them both, to feel complete, as a person… I DO understand your perspective. I do. Loser is an awful person. But, still, their one and only dad. And you’re their mom. I believe they want both of you in their lives…. it’s the choice that “kills them..”

    My hope and wish, is that you could speak to your children, and simply state that you want a relationship with them, but, that you do not under any circumstances, want to hear anything about Loser and the WTC… (So that you can keep No Contact, intact). I do hope this would be possible..!
    Please forgive me if my words hurt; that is not the intent; I only want to bring another perspective.. Cause I hope so very much, that you can keep a realtionship with your children. You are important to each other, whether they realize it, or not. As I’ve said before; I feel sick inside, if I’m having a fight with my mom, for any extended period of time…

    Hugs and love to you, friend!

    Liked by 3 people

    • I understand everything you say. Just the other day, my youngest daughter repeated exactly what you said….she said “mom, we have ALWAYS had your approval. We don’t need it. We have all spent our entire lives seeking dads’ approval.” She is so right and I do know exactly how that feels.
      As far as “making them choose.” Isn’t that what Loser did when he let them know….”it’s me AND her or nothing?” That’s making them choose…and it’s okay….with EVERYBODY. I distinctly remember daughter #2 telling me that if I had done to Loser what he did to me….she wouldn’t like it and wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Why the FUCK is it okay for her to have predetermined rules of what she would do in a situation but it would ONLY apply to me?
      And as far as speaking to my children…I reached out to them and got no response. It was their choice and they made it.

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      • I know this is a hard situation, and I haven’t really been thorugh it all… so I can not advice properly, it is all up to you what is the best way of proceeding, in these relationships… But I am touched by your daughter who has a communication with you, she seems so sweet and geuninely wanting to convey a real good message.

        I agree that Loser making them choose is not fair, certainly not after his previous track record… But that’s just who he is… Oh. I hope there could be a situation soon in the future where you could get in tocuh with the children and some sort of arrangement could be made where you would be able to have contact with them, but not any direct or incirect contact/knowledge about Loser!

        I understand it is a difficult and complex situation, so I do not mean to assume that I know what it’s all about. (I think you know that.. 🙂 ) I sincerely hope there is some way to handle all this that could bring you peace and happiness. You certainly deserve it, after all that you had to o through with Loser. Love and hugs to you!

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        • I have wished several times that I could be in contact with my children. There would have to be a rule of “no talking about Loser and his WTC” and we actually even discussed that once….their response? “We can’t promise that mom.” BUT….I have to obey their rules as far as not being able to mention my other children. It’s a fucked up family…and I’m paying the price.

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