Home » A disease-Giving Husband » Annas’ Story

Annas’ Story

Anna wakes up every morning, after only two or three hours of sleep and lays there for a minute thinking “why should I get out of bed?”
She gets up and wanders into the kitchen, takes the vitamin that she hopes will help her frail body and then she turns on the television to see if any towers have been hit by airplanes.  If not, she tries to concentrate long enough to get an idea of what is going on in the world…but she doesn’t care.

After a one or two-hour numb-fest, she decides to go make her bed and get dressed.  The clothes she wore yesterday are laying on the bathroom floor.  She picks them up and puts them on…again.  They’re the same clothes she has worn for the last week…but she doesn’t care.

She decides to gather up all the pictures of those who were once her family and pack them away in a box.  She is taking a painful, drastic move to erase all vestiges of the last forty years of her life…but she doesn’t care.

She thinks about selling all of her fine china and crystal, which have been in bins under her house for almost a year.  In the past she had gone to so much trouble to make sure she could set a proper, formal table for visitors and family…but nobody ever came.
She wanted to set a romantic table to celebrate her anniversary…but her husband thought she was ridiculous.  Somehow, sitting in a bar or going to a golf tournament was always more enticing to him so she spent her anniversary alone.
She thinks she could smash the dishes into a thousand bits and make a mosaic out of the shattered pieces but she won’t.  That would require energy that she no longer has.  She thinks maybe she could sit them out on the curb and post “free stuff” on Craigslist.  She thinks about how many thousands of dollars those things are worth…but she doesn’t care.

She thinks about her collection of French Jumeau dolls that she dressed all in white and how she meticulously replicated their original outfits.  She named them and since she was alone most of the time, she talked to them and told them her secrets and hopes and dreams.  Sometimes she would sit one of them on her lap while she watched television, waiting for somebody to come home.
Eventually, she put it back with the others and went to bed because she got tired of waiting.
They are packed up somewhere.  She doesn’t even know where…and she doesn’t care.

She looks at her collection of hand-painted Limoges that represented things in her life.  There were little sewing machines, dress forms, spools of thread, doll houses and a grand piano.  There was a pumpkin to represent a “pet name.”  Those little boxes once meant so much to her.  They mean nothing now…and she doesn’t care.

She thinks about her sewing machines.  She thinks about the incredibly expensive quilter that sits on the floor in her basement…the one that was a gift when somebody was trying to buy her forgiveness.  She thinks about selling them because she knows she will never even turn them on again, much less run them.  She thinks she could probably get quite a bit of money for them but she won’t sell them.  That would require an effort that she doesn’t want to exert.
She knows they will eventually seize up…but she doesn’t care.

She thinks about the two rooms full of fabric that will never be cut or fashioned into anything.  The fabric that was so carefully chosen for a special quilt.  The fabric that she would run her fingers over and visualize how it would be instrumental in creating a beautiful work of art.  Those little pieces of inspiration used to be her friends.  They aren’t her friends anymore…and she doesn’t care.

She thinks about the mountainous amount of decorations that are taking up half of her garage and one room in her basement.  She thinks she should sell them since she no longer decorates for the holidays.  It would require tedious, back-breaking scrutiny to through the bins and find the things that were family treasures.  She wonders if she would even want to see them again.  She thinks it would be painful to see the handmade ornaments her children had given to her.  She thinks she could just slap a for sale sign on every container and let it go.  She thinks about selling forty years worth of collectible Hallmark ornaments, her childrens’ now almost antique toys and her entire past…and she doesn’t care.

She remembers her vast collection of “The Night Before Christmas” books.  Some of them are from the years she and her children were born.  She intended to give them to her namesake but she doesn’t even know her namesake anymore.  She will get rid of them…and she doesn’t care.

She opens her closet and looks at the designer clothes and shoes.  Some of them still have tags that were never cut off.  She remembers buying them to try to fill an emptiness.  She knows she will never wear them again so she’ll pack them up and get rid of them…and she doesn’t care.

Mostly, she remembers how much she looked forward to having a life, where she was the only one who mattered to somebody.  She now knows that life will never be…and she doesn’t care.

Anna looks at the sum of her life, confined to a few rooms in a house that has never really felt like her own.  She’ll eventually get rid of the house, too…and she doesn’t care.

 

 

 

 

50 thoughts on “Annas’ Story

  1. I have always believed that things have more meaning when you have someone to share them with, so I get these feelings. I have thrown away, given away, and burned things many times in my life, I get that too. Sometimes that is the only visible act we have to cleanse ourselves of the past and others. Only you can decide what would be meaningful to you! Where you are is very sad. Life is full of seasons. Sometimes it seems that winter will never end. But at some point spring comes again. Sometimes we have to move somewhere else to experience it. I wish peace for you!

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  2. I can feel Anna’s hopeless and despair, the cloaking feeling of depression that you attempt to force yourself to carry on each day for others, for your family, but if given a choice for yourself you would sleep it away . Sleeping equals not thinking and sleeping equals more time out of the day gone. Depression is a horrible illness, I know I have it. Ever since my child was born, I have it under control mostly. But certain stressors cause it to flare. I understand socially isolating yourself, feeling like a robot in routine life where nothing changes for the better. Communication, breaking the feelings of shame is huge to breaking the barrier. Working exhausts you emotionally. I found some medications did help. But. Having something to look forward to, a vacation, a hobby, outings, this blog. Friends who care for you and will force you out of your comfort zone are wonderful blessings. People who also u deft and there are days you need to tuck yourself away to heal.
    Things are not making you happy,Maybe it might be best to sell them and find that which brings your soul to life again. Hoya re a lovely person, so cari g to others, so helpful I who you are. I believe this no matter what we are out through the core of who we are remains, no one can destroy that permanently, it is only temporarily. We can support and build each other back up again…..we can do it slowly.
    Sending much love to you…..I appreciate you.

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  3. This is Anna……leave my treasures alone, I will collect them next Thursday. Feel free to use the material to make me a quilt before I get there……See you Thursday.

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  4. Dear Laurel, I know severe depression and the emptiness and hopelessness that it entails. I feel you. You have every right to be depressed and feeling the way you do. But I also know that there is hope and new days and reasons to keep moving forward. Feel the hurts but also know there’s hope for better days. Reinvent yourself. Keep what is true to you and experiment with new things. You give your power away everytime you say that Loser took the love of something away from you. Take it back! Develop new loves. Like loving yourself. I know it’s hard when hopelessness and pain are still very present, but this is where the warrior comes in. Feed that lioness, you need her. 💙

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  5. Live in Blogland? That sounds like fun!! 😁 We could be neighbors!

    On a more serious note I am sorry about these feelings that are here. I understand the thing about “not caring”… I do not get that all the time, but I do get days where I am just “shut off/shut down” and don’t really care about anything.. I believe that is a result of too much pain inflicted on the soul… what I am hoping for is that you can get back to a place of more light and happiness. The way it was supposed to be.. I do not have any solid advice or easy solutions.. what I have thought for my own part, is that I should try to do a bit more of the things I like, when Spring comes… to hopefully come back to feeling more alive.. hugs my friend. Know that we are here for you and we care, I only speak for myself but I know others here care too. 🌼🌸🌸🌼🌼

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      • True! I agree. Out with everything that doesn’t serve us or makes our lives better, whether it is things or people.. perhaps I misread your post a bit also, if so, I am sorry. 😯 But you know me enough by now to know that I mean well.. even if I say the wrong things sometimes..

        A funny thing is, I had a thought today, I thought; I am so darn tired of everything here, this winter, this sadness, this boring routine etc. So I thought; what if I could sell everything, move to the Carribean and be a writer?

        Then I woke up to reality and realized it wouldn’t be possible… (I do not have any financial assets or anything worth selling, ha ha!).
        So I am just stuck here, and must figure out a way to get a bit of happiness back… lol. 😉

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        • If I thought I could pull it off, I would sell everything I own and hit the road but I don’t know about doing it alone. Motels would get tiresome, I think. I’ve just never had that kind of freedom and now, I’m just too old. I wish I could find a friend who could go with me.

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          • I’d definitely go with you, if I could! Well maybe not for the rest of our lifetime, a lifetime “on the road” would be quite tiresome. .. but for an adventure, would be amazing, to travel and explore for a while… too bad I am tied to this place and have to pay bills and some old loans etc from my student period, every month, so I have to keep working… Otherwise I love the idea of travelling and seeing other wonderful places.. I have found that in warmer climates, there seems to be a lot more happiness and friendliness among the people.. well, we can always dream can’t we… 🙂

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            • It is nice to dream. I lived in a warm climate for eighteen years and I was the most miserable.
              I wouldn’t want to be a “lifer” on the road but I sure would like to have a chance to do something. I never got to do anything or see anything. Like you say…I can always dream.

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              • Oh, yeah.. that is right. I was unclear. i meant more like, not in the “Western” society.. I meant more like.. South America.. I was there once, in Peru.. for about a month. I have never been anywhere where lots of people seemed so.. happy. Even if they had less money and so on. Maybe it was an illusion, but everyone I met there seemed genuinely happy, somehow. I found it very strange.. lol. 🙂

                There is still time, never give up the dream. A possibility may open up. Have you looked online for places you would like to go? What would be your dream place to visit? (Mine is Pacific Northwest in the US, but you probably know that already… 🙂 )

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                • Maybe Peru is like Charleston…consistently voted the friendliest city in the U. S. Of course it is. They make their money on tourists. Go five miles outside the city and you can get shot for your sneakers.
                  I’d like to see the Vietnam Veterans’ wall and the 911 memorial. I’d like to go to Las Vegas…not to gamble but to see the fountain….and I’d like to see the space needle in Seattle. I’d probably drive to all those places but I would be a little leery of doing it alone, like I said.

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                  • Haha, that was a funny observation! 🙂 No, I do not think it was the same though… cause the place I was in was a small town where there were barely any tourists… 🙂 There were problems there too, of course, it was not paradise, but everyone were just… warm, smiling, friendly.. just a more happy vibe, in some way.

                    Those are some very interesting places you are talking about! I will holler if I go to Seattle, some time, I will have to go there somewhere, maybe we could meet up 🙂 It can’t be too expensive to fly there from within the US? Or maybe it is… anyway, if that ever should happen, I would hope you would explore the scenery around also, with me… 🙂 Mountains and lakes. Otherwise, I would have to book a guided tour of that, somehow. I would be a bit afraid to get lost in the mountains… (even though my spirit animal is the lynx…) lol.

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  6. I hope you just don’t stop caring about yourself. Stuff can go. God knows I had to let almost everything go. But love yourself. Care for yourself. I hope you can let the light come in through the wounds, and begin to make you glow again dime day. Just because he turned intotally the worlds biggest asshole (and he does have competition for that title) doesn’t diminish your worth, your value. Same goes for the others in your life who projected their own pain and fear into you. You still have a light burning in there. I know I can see it. So can your other friends here. Big energetic hugs.

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      • Yeah I get that for sure. Have a lot of my own issues with trusting the wrong people. But it still only dims their light. Yours show up bright and clear in this post. There are circles of people who strive to do the right thing. To evolve in a way that lifts everyone. I hope you can find them, they made all the difference for me. I mean really, fuck S and the BS he had put me through. My ex too. They’re the assholes. Just let that light keep shining.

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  7. Oh dear. I read this with such a heavy heart. I’m so sorry you have come to feel this way. No one should ever have to be so broken. I cannot find any words to lift your spirits or mend your cracks in order for you to feel again, and so, begin to see some light in order to heal. Bless you dear soul. May you find some peace. ❤💪❤

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