Home » A Wasted Life » Fuel For A Narcissist

Fuel For A Narcissist

There are so many of us out there, trying to recover from the effects of an abusive narcissist and their need for “fuel.”  Many of you follow malignnarcs’ (HGs’) posts.  He is a self-professed narcissist (although he told me he would call himself a sociopath.)
Yesterday, he posted about an encounter with a former “fuel provider” named L*****.  (That was the name of Losers’ (first?) dalliance.

He tells of how he used to refer to her as “it” and how much it upset her.  She would cry and ask him not to call her “it” and tell him how bad it made her feel.  Of course, he didn’t care.

They hadn’t seen each other in three years but she reached out to him when she came back to town (apparently she broke the no contact rule.)
He said he was quite certain that he would eventually hear from “it.”

He played his part to perfection.  He told her everything she wanted to hear and treated her to a fabulous lunch.  He used the usual bullshit rhetoric of “remembering her with fondness and affection” and took some responsibility for his actions, blaming “immaturity.”
He knew she would believe everything he said and the whole time he was (in his mind) calling her “it.”

She offered him her new phone number with the hope that they could stay in touch and happily fell right into his hands, unknowingly providing the fuel he knew he’d get.
He motioned for the waiter to come to the table.  The waiter brought a gift to her.  L***** was moved and said the obligatory “you didn’t have to do that.”
I’m sure she thought it was going to be a touching present.  HG sat there with anticipatory pleasure while she opened the gift.

She cried when she saw that it was a DVD….Stephen Kings “IT.”

To me, that was the ultimate emotional execution.

Flashback to Loser.  His tactics were similar.  He wanted to look like the good guy….like he was trying….sending cards and gifts….telling me how great I was……and picking things up in a store that he “thought I might like.”
He waited until it was too late of course but that way, it could be MY fault that we weren’t “friends” because he was “trying so hard” and I was being a heartless bitch.

When he wanted me to tell him where I was going, he used the same fuel-driven tactics.  “I miss you every day….I think about you every day….you’re the love of my life…..I was such a fucking, immature idiot….I just need to know where you are….I need to know that you’re going to be okay……I just need something in my head.”  He went on and on….and thought I believed everything he was saying.  What he wanted was to not lose that last bit of control and he could see it slipping away.  That control was his fuel and he wasn’t going to give it up without a fight.

The last time we talked, my birthday had just passed.  He looked at me with this sad, puppy-dog look and said “I wanted to get you a birthday card but I figured you’d tear it up and give it back to me.”
I wanted to say “why the fuck would you get me a birthday card?  You’re right.  I would have torn it up and given it back to you, because it would have meant just as much to me as you do…..which is less than nothing.”

He had gotten me a Mothers’ Day card just before and I wondered what the hell that was about.  He wrote about how proud he was that I was the mother of his children and he wouldn’t have it any other way.  (I guess he wouldn’t.  Who wants to have children with a tramp?)  He went on to write that he “wishes he could go back to 1975 and do it all over again…but ONLY if it was with me and wrote again about how I am the love of his life and always will be.”

It makes me wonder….if he did know where I am, would I be getting cards from him?  Would he lie to that WTC and sneak off to the store to buy me a card?  If he knew my phone number, would he secretly text me while he was having one of his daily, marathon bathroom visits?  Would he be feeding off of the fuel that I was providing when I responded?
When he took that WTC camping, he was secretly texting me the whole time.  Maybe he waited until she had to go out in the woods to pee, and then texted me or maybe he lied to her and told her he was texting one of his children.  He was certainly feeding off of the fuel then because I responded to every text.

Like HG, he was keeping me close so that I could continue to provide that fuel for him.

Maybe Loser isn’t as smart as HG or maybe his ego is just much bigger, which leaves him vulnerable to a counter-attack.  I decided to play with Loser again.  When we left the restaurant, he begged me to let him know my plans.  He refused to say “goodbye” and repeated the tired, worn-out phrase….”can I have a hug?”

I looked at him in my best “pretend to still care” look and told him I would let him know, only if he gave me his word that he wouldn’t tell anybody.  He eagerly gave me his useless word, accompanied by a handshake.  He held on when he said “do you promise?”  I looked at him and without flinching said “yes, I promise.”

I saw the proverbial look of satisfaction on his face as he walked back to his car, thinking that I had just promised to provide him with more fuel.
I have to say, the person who was satisfied, was me.  He had provided Me with fuel.
HE had played right into MY hands.  He actually thought that I was going to let him back into my life.

When I got home, I texted him and said “I’ve been thinking.  You gave me your word but your word doesn’t mean anything.  It never has.  The bottom line is, I don’t trust you so I’m not going to tell you anything.  And, yes, I promised…but you taught me how to make a meaningless promise, break it and feel absolutely no guilt at all.”

He texted back that he was disappointed but said again, “I just need to know that you’re going to be okay.”  He should have thought about that when he was cheating on me and getting diseased.
Loser doesn’t like to lose….but this time… he did.

I wouldn’t doubt that like HG, Loser is probably comfortable in thinking that someday, I will “reach out” to him, hoping that he has changed, hoping that he still cares…..eager to believe his lies and innocently refill his fuel tank.

That’s certainly a possibility….right after Hell freezes over.





45 thoughts on “Fuel For A Narcissist

  1. Pingback: Day 29: You’re Toxic, I’m Slipping Under – The Quarter Wife

  2. Reblogged this on Ponderings of a Victim that Survived and commented:
    “The trading of ego-gratification is the basis of most human relations, which uninformed humans call love and unity. A person who you think is the nicest, kindest, most loyal person on earth will abandon you instantly when: (1) You hurt his ego. (2) Cease to feed his ego. (3) Cease to serve his ego as much as someone else.” 

–Vernon Howard

    “Emotional manipulation penetrates almost every disorder and complicates many lives and relationships. People who use emotional manipulation hide beneath the mast of love, concern, dedication and friendship, while using guilt, button-pushing, subtle anger and many types of covert ploys to keep their victims in place, getting their victims to do what they want.”
    — James Fogarty

    Once someone suggests they’re not perfect or experiences some other narcissist injury (something that reminds him he’s just another faulty human being) he will turn from Dr. Jeckyl to Mr. Hyde, raging, criticizing, blaming, giving others the silent treatment, and projecting his own deficiences onto others


  3. This reminds me of my stepfather so much is twists my stomach into knots. I’m not a violent person by nature but I’d throw him off a rooftop without a second thought. Some people aren’t worth salvaging from their own darkness. You’re a strong person to be able to look this kinda monster in the eye and write about it still.


    • That’s a lovely thought….throwing somebody off of a rooftop! LOL. He is a monster and how strange that you say that….I called him a monster in my goodbye letter to him. I guess, because you saw your own, you recognize the symptoms. Sigh.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Not much of a better name for men like these. My step father is the origin for much or my self loathing. Hard to be proud of being a male when you have a guy like thst as your example.


  4. Stay strong and walk on your brave path. I admire you Laurel, you are a shining example to many women that you can get off a destructive path and move forward happier and healthier having lost the dead soul sucking weight.


    • Wasn’t it? The more I think about this guy, the more I think he’s just a “wannabe.” I think he researches this shit and fabricates a story that is supposed to reflect his life.
      I actually commented on his post once…saying “for all we know, you are a lonely, old man…sitting in front of your computer….trying to feign a reason to brag about your empty life.”
      I got shitstormed by one of his followers, calling me “mean” and asking my how I could ridicule somebody who was “just trying to help us?”
      She should have signed it, HG’s mom.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sick. Just sick. Both of them. Hell will freeze over and the world will come to an end before he EVER gets the satisfaction of you wanting him. You should feel great that you now hold the power. He’s powerless over you. Plenty to be angry over still, of course, but this pleases me to hear you’re smarter and stronger than him. 🙂 xo

    Liked by 2 people

  6. The uncaring and emotionally cold way of narcissists can be chilling, shocking, make us hate, etc… it really can…. But in the end, I do wonder if it wouldn’t be horrible to live, and act that way… without genuine compassion and feelings… It must be so empty and horrible, somehow… to be them, I mean.. I do go from anger, to a disgust, to pity, to sorrow, and back again, etc. I think it is good that you are out of reach for Loser… Remember, though, what he was saying was empty as for him feeling it… but I do believe he knew what you were. He knew you are a good person. That has to sting him somewhere inside him, knowing he can never be that which you are…. Hugs!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. When I was a ridiculous emotion ridden teenager I remember telling my dad (a minister, but also a trained and certified counsellor) that I sometimes thought about losing my temper and physically hurting someone who was driving me absolutely mental. Like she made me crazy. My dad, the gentlest of souls…. Said “sometimes having the imagination do the work for you keeps you from doing something wrong yourself. It’s acting on it that matters.” So… In my high school class while she was driving me crazy and impeding my learning I would gleefully imagine taking of my gigantic platform heels and clubbing both sides of her head. Or her hand to stop her pencil from thwacking… Whatever. And it was incredibly cathartic and appeasing to my soul.

    This is just some dumb tool who talked too much.

    Dream and imagine all you want. My favourite for your husband is a meat grinder that
    Spits him onto a printing press…. I just kinda think it’s poetic. Maybe being churned by a monkey?


    • Hilarious! Love the whole clubbing to death with platform shoes. I have all kinds of scenarios going on in my head but the truth is….I would never hurt Loser…..I know how it feels. I like the vision of his dick falling off and getting run over and smashed by a matchbox car! It’s not only graphic….it’s insulting! LOL.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. It still scares the crap out of me that there are actually monsters like this that get off on this kind of sick, twisted relationship. It’s just so dysfunctional and I’m glad you are finally rid of him. Hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

        • I don’t think they know I think anything. I certainly don’t tell them. I’m sure Loser thinks I hate him (wonder why I would hate him?)…and that WTC is only concerned that my children DON’T hate her and makes a point to tell Loser to tell them that. What pigs!


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