I did something yesterday that I’m not completely sure I should have done or even really wanted to do. I have talked to Sam about my oldest daughters. I told him that our relationship seems to be just “hanging out there.” There has been no communication with #2 and just a few random emails from #1. There certainly has been no closure.
I was still reeling from the text that Loser sent to my youngest daughter. I read it to Sam and he said “what Loser was really saying was…wow, N****. You really are your moms’ daughter, aren’t you…..the fucking bitch.” I told him that I had wanted to send it to daughters #1 and #2 but that N**** had asked me not to.
I wanted them to see what a dick Loser was (like they don’t know) but I wasn’t going to betray N****.
I told him that I thought I would email my daughters and say something like “this is my one and only attempt to reach out” but he said that was a threat. He suggested some “warm and fuzzy” introduction in a way that would be completely alien to not only me but to my daughters. I told him that if they received an email like that from me, they would either think that I was drunk or had completely lost what was left of my mind.
I have always been straight-forward with them and everybody else so it would be totally out of character for me.
He said “the longer you hold it in, the more it will fester.” Shit.
I told him that I wanted to do it and I didn’t want to do it because I was pissed off! He reminded me that anger was a secondary emotion and asked what was prompting the anger. I went into defensive mode and said “if you’re trying to get me to say it’s a deep-seeded, inherent love, I’m not sure I can say that. There has been so much damage done.” He said “it doesn’t have to be that but try to come up with an emotion.”
I said “disappointment.”
I continued to whine as I pleaded my case. “I gave birth to those girls. I raised them. I took care of them. I protected them and the only person they care about is that Goddamn Loser. HE wasn’t the one who was always there for them. HE wasn’t the one who stood in front of them to keep ME from hitting them. HE’S the one who is an adulterous, disease-giving piece of pig-shit!
I chewed on it for a few days, trying to figure out what to do. I talked to my friend, C**** and her daughter about it. Her daughter is a lovely, head-turning girl, who gets so frustrated with me, she almost starts shaking. She and her mama have a good relationship, although as with every mother/daughter relationship, there have been a few rocky times. It is unfathomable to her that I would essentially “cut off” my daughters but she doesn’t understand the things that have been said and done. It’s hard for her to grasp the reasoning behind my having suddenly left to escape the emotional torment and abuse (as well as the prospect of Loser thinking that he and his WTC were going to play husband and wife in my house.)
It’s hard for me to grasp the fact that my daughters read my departure as having “deserted them” but that’s exactly what they think.
The few emails I have gotten from daughter #1, said when I asked her if she wanted to see the pictures and messages that I had gotten from “somebody” she said “no” but NOW, she wants to see them.
My reaction is WHY NOW? Why didn’t she want to see them when I started getting them? What has changed? She and her sister (according to pig-shit Loser) declared me to be “clinically insane.” Have I suddenly gotten better?
My answer is NO. You’re not going to see them. You had your chance but as I have said a million times….Loser and his WTC were more important than MOM.
I talked to my youngest daughter and told her I thought I would go ahead and do the “reach out” thing. She said “I think that’s fine mom but you have to be prepared to not get a response.”
I question if deep down in the recesses of my mind, I really don’t want a response. Do I really want to open a can of worms? There will be expectations of obeying rules and boundaries for them…but not for me. There will be the demand of wanting to have their “old mom” back.
They will not be able to accept the fact that they are never going to get the old mom back, nor are they going to get the mom they want me to be or think I should be. I’m not sure I can stand the toll it will take on me mentally, emotionally and physically but I typed a simple email, opening the door to communication.
I am prepared to get no response. I am prepared to close the door. I am prepared to embrace the idea of freedom from my suffering, if that is the result.
I was completely emotionless when I hit “send.” It was as if I had just paid a bill.