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I Am Prepared


I did something yesterday that I’m not completely sure I should have done or even really wanted to do.  I have talked to Sam about my oldest daughters.  I told him that our relationship seems to be just “hanging out there.”  There has been no communication with #2 and just a few random emails from #1.  There certainly has been no closure.

I was still reeling from the text that Loser sent to my youngest daughter.  I read it to Sam and he said “what Loser was really saying was…wow, N****.  You really are your moms’ daughter, aren’t you…..the fucking bitch.”  I told him that I had wanted to send it to daughters #1 and #2 but that N**** had asked me not to.
I wanted them to see what a dick Loser was (like they don’t know) but I wasn’t going to betray N****.

I told him that I thought I would email my daughters and say something like “this is my one and only attempt to reach out” but he said that was a threat.  He suggested some “warm and fuzzy” introduction in a way that would be completely alien to not only me but to my daughters.  I told him that if they received an email like that from me, they would either think that I was drunk or had completely lost what was left of my mind.
I have always been straight-forward with them and everybody else so it would be totally out of character for me.
He said “the longer you hold it in, the more it will fester.”   Shit.

I told him that I wanted to do it and I didn’t want to do it because I was pissed off!  He reminded me that anger was a secondary emotion and asked what was prompting the anger.  I went into defensive mode and said “if you’re trying to get me to say it’s a deep-seeded, inherent love, I’m not sure I can say that.  There has been so much damage done.”  He said “it doesn’t have to be that but try to come up with an emotion.”
I said “disappointment.” 
I continued to whine as I pleaded my case.  “I gave birth to those girls.  I raised them.  I took care of them.  I protected them and the only person they care about is that Goddamn Loser.  HE wasn’t the one who was always there for them.  HE wasn’t the one who stood in front of them to keep ME from hitting them.  HE’S the one who is an adulterous, disease-giving piece of pig-shit!

I chewed on it for a few days, trying to figure out what to do.  I talked to my friend, C**** and her daughter about it.  Her daughter is a lovely, head-turning girl, who gets so frustrated with me, she almost starts shaking.  She and her mama have a good relationship, although as with every mother/daughter relationship, there have been a few rocky times.  It is unfathomable to her that I would essentially “cut off” my daughters but she doesn’t understand the things that have been said and done.  It’s hard for her to grasp the reasoning behind my having suddenly left to escape the emotional torment and abuse (as well as the prospect of Loser thinking that he and his WTC were going to play husband and wife in my house.)
It’s hard for me to grasp the fact that my daughters read my departure as having “deserted them” but that’s exactly what they think.

The few emails I have gotten from daughter #1, said when I asked her if she wanted to see the pictures and messages that I had gotten from “somebody” she said “no” but NOW, she wants to see them.
My reaction is WHY NOW?  Why didn’t she want to see them when I started getting them?  What has changed?  She and her sister (according to pig-shit Loser) declared me to be “clinically insane.”  Have I suddenly gotten better?
My answer is NO.  You’re not going to see them.  You had your chance but as I have said a million times….Loser and his WTC were more important than MOM.

I talked to my youngest daughter and told her I thought I would go ahead and do the “reach out” thing.  She said “I think that’s fine mom but you have to be prepared to not get a response.”
I question if deep down in the recesses of my mind, I really don’t want a response.  Do I really want to open a can of worms?  There will be expectations of obeying rules and boundaries for them…but not for me.  There will be the demand of wanting to have their “old mom” back.
They will not be able to accept the fact that they are never going to get the old mom back, nor are they going to get the mom they want me to be or think I should beI’m not sure I can stand the toll it will take on me mentally, emotionally and physically but I typed a simple email, opening the door to communication.

I am prepared to get no response.  I am prepared to close the door.  I am prepared to embrace the idea of freedom from my suffering, if that is the result.

I was completely emotionless when I hit “send.”  It was as if I had just paid a bill.










40 thoughts on “I Am Prepared

  1. I love that you reached out. I am sad that you feel the need to deny them access to the proofs you previously offered because they weren’t ready for it on your timeline. That feels passive aggressive, mean because you just want some way to hurt them, since they are so obviously hurting you. and I believe you felt nothing, not because you actually didn’t feel anything, but because you are so used to being hurt to the bone that you don’t even recognize its rawness.

    You have love. You want love. They are just as damaged by your asshole ex as you are. They should hate him and cling to you. And they don’t. They see you as potentially being the one who stayed just long enough for them all to grow up with this and then split their world in two, the one who apparently only saved herself, not them when they were small… Or God knows what their damaged minds have assigned to why they have trouble with you. The point is, you’re punishing them by withholding that stuff. The stuff they may actually be ready for now. They may have realized he’s still showing up on cheater asshole call out websites cheating on his new wife appliance. Your kids- they aren’t the ones you should be hurting. You can’t hurt ex anymore but that doesn’t mean his pile of viscera belongs on them because they’re also screwed up. Your grandparents… When you did accept some love from them – did they ever take it from you and withhold it once you wanted some- because you were still convinced you should try to win your mommas love? No? They just gave it. It made them feel good to give it. They wanted you to have love. Hmmmm. Remember how you said you wish you could talk to them about that? Or thank them? Thank them with how you deal with your kids.

    Pass it on my darling P. Give that unconditional unending try-hard love them when they’re too messed up to know that’s what it is- spirit to your kids. Not reaching out over and over. I’m not saying be a glutton for punishment. That’s a true course to heartbreak if they don’t contact you. But if you’re in contact, keep reminding yourself. They are damaged by him, and as such, sometimes you guys won’t have it easy. But don’t put your pile of crap on them. They also have a huge pile of crap, to the point that they also will take a long time to figure out how to seperate their weird bond issues with their terrible father with their mom who somehow protected them, but not enough. They’re probably angry to. And they don’t have a Sam to help them figure out what’s behind it.

    I dunno. This is muddled and jumbled and I know it’s not clear what I think because honestly, it’s too sad to have an obvious right path.

    I wish you all the love and hope. I hope they write you.

    I wish you peace, as always


    • One of the problems with the evidence (aside from the tape recordings) is that all but one of them has been destroyed, per the instructions of my therapist in Florida. My youngest daughter had a picture of one of them but I don’t know if she still has it or not and neither of my other daughters asked her to see it. My attorney had the latest one but I got it back and burned it. Loser saw the pictures and knew about the last one, taunting me about the “visit to spend the holidays with MY children” but he could care less. It boosts his ego immensely.
      Showing my daughters the “evidence” will do nothing. They will still welcome Loser and his WTC into their homes because the only thing they want is for Loser to “be happy.”
      They told Loser that I was “clinically insane” when I wanted to show them what was being sent to me so….who was being punished? I don’t think it was them.
      Suddenly wanting to see it now is along the lines of absolutely alienating me for the last few years and then finding out that I was sick…and suddenly they start coming around. No.
      As I said, even if (like Loser) they had proof, it would make no difference to them because Loser is always the winner. They would never tell him he couldn’t bring the WTC to their house…besides they remember his saying “if my kids don’t want to see her then THEY’RE NOT GOING TO SEE THEIR DADDY!”


      • Right- so it’s actually not about telling them ‘no, you didn’t want to see it then’ it’s… ‘For my healing these were disposed of. But if you search around yourself you will find its not a secret. It’s also not relevant to us being in touch with each other’ your insistence that they can’t be nice to their dad- that has nothing to do with you. They are grown ups. It’s their choice to do both. You have your opinions, but he’s not your problem anymore. He’s out of your life. He has nothing to do with your relationship with them, once you guys start talking again. Your therapist got you to destroy the pics I’m guessing because you’re just fixated on them? Well… It didn’t accomplish anything if you continue to fixate on him but without the photos. You are starting down the path of letting go… You are talking about other things and it is so fabulous and I want more. I am insatiable for your story and your stories. The reality is, I don’t give a fuck about your ex. You have plenty to say that has nothing to do with him. You can have that with your children also. Thinking that he needs to be part of the conversation is still him triangulating you. You’re not his anymore! Don’t let him use you as a weapon against his kids and yourself!


        • No. My therapist told me to get rid of everything that reminded me of Loser…that meant returning everything he gave me, including what little jewelry I had left (that my son didn’t steal), all the cards, pictures, clothes, a wonderful clock…a vase from Denmark….everything. It shook Loser up but I didn’t care. The problem with my daughters is that they can make a rule saying I’m not allowed to say my son or my youngest daughters’ name or talk about them….but they say they can’t promise that they won’t talk about Loser and his WTC. They don’t get to demand that I obey a set of rules and not have it be reciprocal.
          I told them that I didn’t want to talk about him, know anything about him or hear anything about him. To them…that was “dad bashing.”


          • Right, I get that. You had to push it all out of your life because otherwise it’s all just triggers I get why you destroyed it all or pushed it out. I get why you don’t think they are playing fair. They aren’t. But if you want a relationship with them, you may have to change the subject on them when it slides into dad land. Shut it down. Be your own gatekeeper. You continually pushing that rule is bringing him up. So don’t. If contact is made, and you guys try to have a conversation or whatever…. Just keep it simple. Keep it light and minimal. Talk about their work, their family, their vacation plans. 20-30 minutes. Then be done. Because you don’t need to go down the ex h road and once conversation wanes habit takes over. Screw that, 20 minutes without mentioning ex is your new habit. You can do it. Many many hugs. You’re lovely.


      • A lot of people take 1 or 2 days to reply to e-mail… but even if they do not reply, it says nothing about you… it says something about the power about the brainwashed done to them throughout their life… and their inability to get out of that… Thinking of myself, and how extremely hard it was to break free of a narc and abuser, I understand the difficulties.. they still love you, surely, in their heart of Hearts. . But they are also grown up with an abuser which is hard to break free from. But I do hope you hear from them! Hugs 💜


        • The power of Loser. It is absolutely astounding…and you’re right. Even thought their my children, they have far too much of Losers’ blood coursing through their veins. I will never understand how they can stay so loyal to an immoral man who was/is so abusive…but…he’s “their daddy.” Daddys seem to trump mamas.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I think it may be less to do with their blood coming from him and more with them growing up around him and his abusive ways.. it is hard for them to see clearly, I believe… it is like.. to be in a fog I would guess.. it is no excuse for them, just a background explanation to their behavior.. you see reality, they don’t (not really).

            I believe this is quite common for children of narcissists.. Am sorry, friend! I hope they will come around! 💙


            • That and suddenly, they believe everything he and his WTC says. Even though at times, three of them have said “I don’t believe anything that comes out of dads’ mouth” suddenly they do? Makes no sense….of course, I’m not there to defend myself….I deserted them….they want Loser to be happy…..bullshit on top of bullshit.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. Even if you do not get a response, (or get a cold response), you now have confirmed to yourself once again that you are brave, and a true member of the mighty warrior’s club! It takes real gets to do what you did! Hugs 💙


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