I finally heard from young son and just as I predicted, he acted like the last conversation never happened. He said he had just been “hanging out…trying to get over it” (the court date.)
I asked him if he had gotten a job yet but he said he needed a few more days before he started “pounding the pavement.” (There was no mention of law school.) He said he met with his probation officer and it is going to cost him $50 a month.
I asked son to send his pictures to me so I could mat and frame them. Of course, he has no funds to do that and I can’t send him the money. I don’t know if I’m up to another trip down there yet.
I told him that I would do that for him and try to sell them but I would be in charge and it was non-negotiable. I told him I would set up an account in my name but I would pay his bills from the account, if he managed to sell any.
He didn’t respond very well and reminded me that he was a grown man. He just doesn’t seem to understand that he’s a grown man who has the emotional maturity of a child.
I wanted to ask him if he remembered the way he had talked to me but I didn’t. That’s one of Losers’ traits that I wish son didn’t have. It’s almost like talking about the abuse they inflict is an invasion of privacy or something…or if you don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen and will be forgotten.
I don’t know how long it will be until I hear from him again. It annoys him when the conversation isn’t sterile and one thing I despise is a sterile conversation with somebody who could care less about how they treated me.
I miss my little boy. I vividly recall him crawling onto my lap and sitting there for hours, while I played with his hair. I remember him leaving me notes saying “mom, I sweeped the floor for you” before he went out to play. Sometimes when I wanted to soak in the bathtub, he would call through the door “do you want me to bring you a toy?”
Thinking about him just makes me so sad. It breaks my heart when I remember him running to me shaking, with tears running down his little face after Loser had reduced him to a worthless piece of shit.
Maybe if I had gotten rid of Loser after he hit me the first time, son would have had a chance.
I remember when just saying his name, brought a smile to my face.
Last night I dreamed that I got up and decided to go out and look at the snow. When I opened my door, son was laying there all curled up in a ball. He had frozen to death. I had it in mind that if I could just hold him a while, I could warm him up enough to bring him back to life. I remember thinking that I should call 911 but my phone was in the house and I didn’t want to let go of him to go get the phone.