Home » A Wasted Life » So, What’s The Problem?

So, What’s The Problem?

Yesterday I was thinking about the distance I have to travel to see Sam, along with his fee and the cost in gas.  I had come to the conclusion that there was no need to continue because I had seen no progress.  Our sessions seem to be redundant and there have been no “light bulb” moments.
I understand that there is no “magic pill” and I never expected one but I did expect to feel a little better after rehashing the same old bullshit that I have talked about with therapists for the last ten years.

I was watching one of my medical shows last night and one of the main players is seeing a therapist.  She mentions that she doesn’t feel any better after their meetings.  Bingo!  I knew exactly how she felt.
Her therapist casually remarked “that’s because it’s working.”

WHAT?  Was he kidding?  You go to enormous expense to try to FIND a way to heal and when you feel like you’re not getting better, the answer is “that’s because it’s working?”

I know I’m naive but I’m not an idiot.  True, I’m also not a therapist but that statement makes absolutely no sense to me.  That’s like charging a battery once a week and when your car still won’t start, you say “that’s because it’s working.”  No, it’s not.  It’s a dead fucking battery!  That’s the problem.

I don’t think I’m asking for too much.  I know there are probably never going to be any answers.  All I want is a little clarity.  That’s what he promised.  I think the only thing that is clear is that I am fucked the hell up.

My RBS called me today and we talked about my son.  I told her he asked me to send his pictures to him to try to sell.
Loser had gotten me a mat cutter and a picture frame maker for Christmas one year.  She had the brilliant idea of me getting off my ass (my words, not hers) and framing his art.  After we hung up, she immediately called me back to gently tell me that sometimes people act Gung Ho about something but then it fades.
She’s right.
I get comments that I am a “good writer” and “I should write a book.”  It piques my interest and I start thinking “maybe I could” but I just have no confidence in my writing ability.
This is different.  This is my sons’ art.  There’s no lack of confidence in his work.  For him to see his artwork framed and hanging somewhere just may be the catalyst toward making him feel like he mattered.

It would mean so much to J***** if Loser saw some value in his artwork but he has never expressed any interest or encouragement and has certainly never offered any praise.

Speaking of son…I haven’t heard from him since the last time he shot me with both barrels.  That usually means that he’s on a bender and I’m worried about him.  It’s cold…even where he is and I felt guilty when I went to bed last night.

I was dreaming this morning and heard my doorbell.  I thought “maybe it’s UPS.”  It was pitch black outside and I thought I’d try to peek out of my blinds.  Suddenly I thought “oh, no…it might be the police with bad news…I think I’m going to act like I’m not here…but my radio was blasting and I knew I couldn’t feign absence so I decided to take a look.
I could not get my eyes to open.  The next thing I knew I was back in my bed and I heard J***** say “mom” just as plain as day.  I sat up, expecting to see him in my room.

I hope this is not a bad sign.

32 thoughts on “So, What’s The Problem?

  1. Is your therapist a specialist in trauma from narcissistic abuse? If not. maybe you need a new one. I’ve been going for 1 1/2 years and do feel much better (although you would think not from my posts!). I also just started EMDR which was like being on valium. Love it!

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  2. I’ve seen two therapists in my life, but I also went to a handful for short-term couples therapy with my ex. So perhaps a total of about seven or eight over a period of 20 some years. Only one of them I thought was any good, thankfully the one I saw alone during the period of my separation and eventual divorce from my first wife. Her name was Stacey, and I saw her for 3.5 years. In hindsight I’m not sure how I would have survived that period of my life without her. Reading your post just now makes me realize that a relationship with a therapist has to have the same organic makeup that you have with a close friend or even a lover. From the very first session, Stacey and I just clicked. We even had the same humor. From my own perspective, I think it’s all a crapshoot in finding one, especially if you have to get insurance involved to cover some of it (which I did).

    I do wish you well if you decide to find another one. Good luck!

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    • I won’t try another one…it just occurred to me….my “f’s” are disappearing on my comments and yours seem to be as well. In my posts, unless I capitalize the word starting with the f, the letters transpose. I notice I don’t have any trouble spelling out “fuck.” Yikes. I’ll see how it goes with Sam…I guess it’s worth it to give him a few more tries.

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  3. I haven’t read all comments, but I’m with Sam here! (Uhm… samLOBOS, not your therapist Sam!). 🙂 I think that there is something in that, what she is saying about you are not allowing yourself to work on your inner life, truly and being vulnerable in front of the therapist… I know that must be a truly hard thing to accomplish, but it may hold the key. My suggestion is: You should not “quit” him right away… If you have been to several therapists during the years, I have some doubt whether there will be a huge change if you change therapist again… instead, I’d suggest you talk to your therapist, Sam, and tell him about these feelings. Be honest, and say that you are not feeling progress… then ask him what suggestions he has. What can you do different in the therapy room/what can he do different/what topics should you talk about, etc… I think it may be worth it, to have an open discussion about this with him. If he is a good therapist, he should be able to listen to these concerns of yours, and maybe you both can find a different approach.. Hugs!!

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    • Shucks. I whine to him all the time. He handles it (and me) well. Some of the people who follow my blog say they can see some changes….maybe the fact that every single blog ISN’T about fucking LOSER anymore, means some progress.
      Maybe there’s the fear that Sam will see weakness…remember, I lived with a man who offered no support and I wasn’t allowed to be sick, hurt or God forbid, distressed…it brought hostility and reprimand. I’m going to keep trying, though….I hope someday to be able to title a post “free at last!”

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      • See, you’re doing an excellent job here, of understanding yourself and what is behind all these feelings of not being able to completely open up and let yourself be vulnerable, to the therapist.. I completely understand the ability to trust is almost non-existent… but, if I may remind you a bit: See what happened when you started talking to people in Blogland? Lots of friendly and supportive responses, right? That is because most people are like that, most people are helpful and want to help. Sure, there are idiots als, but we mustn’t let them stop us. I also see the change in you in your posts. Keep the hope! Keep talking to Sam. But also ask him about what he thinks would help your healing along, etc. Hugs! 🙂

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        • You’re right. The response has been overwhelming and although it is a sad “club” to belong to, it has offered so much comfort and has given me laughs that have been silent for years. I think one of my subliminal stumbling blocks is my two oldest daughters…I’ll talk to Sam about them. Even if I reached out to them, I’m not sure I could “obey’ all of their rules and boundaries…and I think the lack of closure with them bothers me (whether or not I know it.) AND…of course…there’s still the want/need for revenge. Sigh.

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  4. I don’t think you should stop with Sam. You just started. I don’t understand why you think you’ve given it enough time. You also missed a session because of weather. Maybe you can alternate and do one from home by phone and one in person, to ease the gas costs? I don’t think you’re actually seeing the change but your attitude is different. It is. And I also think you’re getting to the point where he starts challenging you and you like being mired in this and not having to learn to explains so it’s easier to walk away.

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    • I think it’s that syndrome of being comfortable with what you know…or have known for so long….grief and sorrow…look for an excuse…I try to be honest…..Sam called me today to check on me. We’re both snowed in. I think he can tell by the tone in my voice when I answer the phone, whether or not I’m okay. Maybe I just needed to whine! Wah, wah, wah. LOL

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  5. Your first commenter makes some excellent points and unfortunately (you probably already know this) it can take years to find the perfect fit. I’ve seen so many therapists over my lifetime and there are only two who stand out among the bunch. I’ve since decided about 8 years ago that I’m done with therapy, at least for the time being, and so far I’ve been able to maintain. I hope things work out for you in this area.

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    • I had decided to be “done” with them too but a childhood friend recommended him to me. This friend thinks I need help…LOL. (I wonder why?) Maybe I just don’t understand the concept of “therapy.” I just know that I don’t feel any less sad or damaged..

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  6. Sometimes therapy can feel stagnant and that’s because the therapist can only meet you where you are at. Sometimes you need someone different, a fresh perspective and approach, meaning a new therapist. Sometimes it’s because you are not doing internal work on your own and are depending on someone else for answers. It’s hard to change your own perspective and that’s the bulk of therapy. I hope you stick with it, either with Sam or someone new. You are a great and caring person and I’m afraid without that support you will get lost in your old patterns.

    It always amazes me how connected mothers are to their children and just know when something is wrong.

    Hugs and love.💙

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    • Sam IS a new therapist 😦 I really like him but you’re right in that I can feel myself resisting him and I have even told him. I don’t know if it’s fear of unfulfilled expectations or an underlying attitude toward men in general. I really do think I’M my own worst enemy but it’s hard to trust after so many years of being lied to lied to by the one person I trusted the most.

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      • Maybe that’s what you need to focus on in therapy, why you are resisting. Sometimes it’s easier to focus on external issues like your ex husband, your past experiences, your children and how they treat you instead of exploring what’s going on inside of you. What’s stopping you from being vulnerable, even in a setting where it’s safe to do so. That’s where the real healing will begin.

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          • Honey, living in grief and sadness is my thing! I’m an expert at it! I’m so much more comfortable feeling depressed than I am allowing myself to trust feeling happy or God forbid, content. That is the battle. This is the work that needs to be done. I fight it everyday, some days are easier wins than others. Find that fighter in you, the one who knows you are worthy of peace and joy. My fighter is a wolf and she is relentless and strong. I feed her as much as I can because I need her to take over when I’m weak. Search for that inner fire. It’s there, even if it’s a faint flicker. Fan it until it becomes a flame.

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  7. Your son is a talented artist. I love his work that you shared with us and think it would be great for him to see them framed and on display. No doubt he got his talent from you……..Concerning a past comment….No I don’t know your Loser. From your description I picture a Family Dollar Store version of William Faulkner. A man highly influenced by his mother, who enjoys the roll of being an alcoholic and loves adultery. Throw in a little Ernest Hemingway and you’ve got alcoholic, adulterer, and branding your children for life because of your manic behavior. Must be something in the ink……Stay warm.

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