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This Is Unbelievable

I was supposed to have a double session with Sam today but it’s snowing like all get-out where he is, not to mention that it’s colder than a well-diggers “yes ma’am” outside.  I called him and asked him if we could reschedule.

As soon as we hung up, my son called me.  He was calling me to tell me how things went in court yesterday, although he had promised me that he would call me as soon as it was over.
I had to track down his roommate to get the information I got last night.  I didn’t mention to J***** that I had already talked to M******.
He apologized for not calling with the excuse “I forgot.”  HE FORGOT?

He complained about his public defender and said she didn’t know what she was doing.  He had mentioned before that he called her several times and she never returned his call but I know nothing as far as her legal acumen.

He said he got a five hundred-dollar fine for the DUI.  I told him that I thought he should call his “daddy” and ask him for the money for just that and then concentrate on the probation costs, class costs, court costs and the community service.
He said he didn’t want to ask Loser for any money.
I reminded him that I had paid his rent, bought him a phone, paid for three months service and had paid for his cigarettes and food.  I also reminded him that he wasn’t just MY son.

He said “I don’t talk to dad that much.”  I said well, talk to him now.  He said “no.”

I asked him if he was going to look for a job and he said he was “tired” of the food industry and thought maybe he wanted to go back to school and become a lawyer.
He said he had been pre-approved for a Stafford loan.  WHAT?
I think that since Loser wanted to be a lawyer and instead got trapped in the newspaper business (like his daddy) J***** thinks that if HE could be a lawyer, he would somehow be worthy in Losers’ eyes.  That poor kid.

I was dumbfounded.  I asked him what he was talking about.  I said “you have no job, no car, no drivers’ license, you’re facing community service, probation, court costs and a DUI course…and you’re talking about going back to school.  When do you think you’ll have time?”
I asked him if he really thought those people were going to give him a loan.  He said “yeah, I’ve already been pre-approved and I can live off of the loan.”  I said “J***** you’re living in a fantasy world.”

He yelled at me and asked me why I kept “putting him down.”  He decided to take on Losers’ persona and call me “a fucking bitch.”  He went on to dance around with the general consensus that “mom is clearly insane” and all but said it.
I said “well, nobody seems to think that K**** is insane so call her.  Tell her the outcome of court and then tell her that you have big plans to go to school to become a lawyer.  If she gives you an enthusiastic “atta boy” then I will eat every single word I said.”  He called me a bitch again and said he would call K****, as if threatening me.

He said “you’re so busy putting me down that you won’t even give me the chance to tell you some good news.”  I asked him what the good news was and he said “I’m going to be able to get food stamps for six months” (which he will give to his sons’ mama.)  I guess I didn’t praise him enough or something because he again, said “why do you have to be so fucking negative with me all the time?”

I told him that he needed to get his priorities in order.  I reminded him that the last time he got out of jail, I let him come live with me…rent free.  I helped him buy a scooter.  I paid for his food and cigarettes.  I told him that I had gently tried to remind him of the court costs he owed and suggested that he send the court some money every payday.  I tried, until he shouted to me that he was a grown man and didn’t need my constant “putting him down tactics.”  He still hasn’t paid them.

He sounded like he may have been under the influence of something.  It was the angry J*****…the one who’s abusive…the one who hurts me…the one who lashes out at me because he’s mad at Loser.

I reminded him once again that I had arranged for him to get free rehab as well as mental help.  He started yelling at me and said I had no idea what it was like to be handcuffed and have my head slammed into the ground.  I said “I’m not talking about jail…I’m talking about rehab.”  He claims the same thing goes on in rehab.  I told him that all the times I had visited him, I had never once seen a mark on his face or body.  It’s just his excuse to not go to rehab.

He’ll call me again later and like Loser, either act like the conversation never took place or offer a quasi apology.  If I had a nickel for every disingenuous apology I have ever gotten, I would be rich beyond the dreams of avarice.

If I had a nickel for every genuine apology I’d ever gotten…I’d have a nickel.

 

 

29 thoughts on “This Is Unbelievable

  1. Anna, your response is on target and what is so hard for those of us who love addicts. You’re not talking to that person. So best thing to do is stop. Stop for you. The hardest thing ever…to detach. With love. HUGS.

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  2. First off, you’re not talking to your son. You’re talking to what ever chemical is in his body. When he says he’s going to law school tell him that’s great and ask him what he wants to specialize in. Point is, you can’t be rational with an irrational person, wasted breath. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, ever. Sad but true.

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  3. Don’t fall into this trap of asking him to be reasonable. He is a sad man trapped in his addiction but he has to choose to come out of it. Additionally, he might just be a narc too. End of story. He is feeding off you, and abusing you (yep. Abusing you) when you ask rational questions- are you going to get a job. I think it’s not ‘good news’ that he is getting his baby momma food stamps. It’s sad. His whole framework is a shambles of he thinks foodstamps are positive. He reports the repercussions of his offense and when asked his logical plan, or outlined that you’re not responsible for these consequences- $500 bucks isn’t cheap, and it’s not ordered that he pay it so that his mom feels hardship. It’s his responsibility alone to get that money, his mom and dad shouldn’t feel at all like that is on them…his response is to be furious that you don’t understand his needs? Bullshit. You don’t deserve that. His next steps have to be- get his life together. He apparently cannot take you pointing out his crazy in the whole plan. So don’t. Ask him when his next appt is with treatment. If he doesn’t follow through you have to stop talking. If he’s in treatment but is abusive, you have to stop talking. He doesn’t have the option of abusing you. It helps neither of you. And you seem to also like to push buttons. You are looking for validation when you mentioned you arranged for free treatment. You aren’t getting blood from that stone. He’s going to see that as a threat or a rub, that you don’t believe in his power to heal himself and all this other garbage that he uses as excuses to be mad and mean instead of realizing that he has failed even after and with in treatment help so an outpatient avenue for him is a ridiculous endeavour. Inpatient, free treatment… That is not what he’s looking for, even if yes- it would be the best thing for him. He’s he wants a quick fix, he wants to pretend he doesn’t have a problem he wants to pressure you into giving him all the money and making his life easier without making any change. Telling him they didn’t abuse him in care, when he wasn’t able to drink in treatment (which I guarantee he rationalizes as abuse) isn’t making a dent. His mind is making his truth his truth. The whole world is against him, even his mom won’t give him just the money for court. Seriously. Would you believe his mom is that terrible and insensitive? I mean, he’s going to be a lawyer for gods sakes….. You just can’t crawl into the ball of crazy with him. When he starts to rail, hang up. You have to draw that line. You can warn him: when you get abusive, I will not talk to you. Abusive includes pressuring for money, guilt trips, yelling, being derogatory, talking about his dad. You also need to support his good moves- continuing in treatment. I guess getting someone to support his kid with the stamps. If he makes a plan and somehow gets it together, for law school… Bully for him. Don’t say no or you can’t. It’s opening up you to the crazy. If you want to be in touch, you need to make some rules for him and you.

    If he doesn’t pursue treatment, how are you going to deal with that. Xoxo.

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    • Sam just called me and asked me how I am. I told him about the call and the abuse. I asked him if he thought it was time for the “no contact” rule and he said no. He said to just talk casually to J***** and not to delve into the negative. Great. Once again, I have to follow all the rules and respect all the boundaries, and my children get to make the rules. I told Sam that there has been and never can be any casual talk with J*****. His big dreams and his lies have just become unbearable.
      He (J*****) can tell me not to rent my apartment to a man…not to go out after dark….not to do this and not to do that….but I can offer no advice to him or I’m an overbearing “fucking bitch.”
      Sam said to say “did you go to treatment today?” If he says yes, then say good. If he says no, then hang up. Isn’t that playing games?

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              • The situation is no win. But you now have identified the markers so it’s not a situation you need to delve into. You’re a pro. You know how to do this. Again/ the hang up thing- it’s not playing a game. It’s refusing to play.

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                • Most of the time, he hangs up on me. I talked to Sam again briefly today (he calls me pretty often, to check up on me) and he’s just so disgusted with J*****. He says “the person I’m interested in is you.” I still think if I cavalierly say “how’s it going” and praise him for unrealistic dreams, it’s playing games.

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                    • LOL. I go to my friends’ house pretty often and I always take three or four Boosts with me. I open her refrigerator and we have to do some serious juggling to find a place for my drinks.
                      I remember my sisters’ refrigerator…it was crammed so full of food that you couldn’t see the back.
                      My friend came to my house and opened my refrigerator and I thought she was going to pass out. All I have in it is a pitcher of water.
                      Are you sure Boost is geriatric sugar?

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                    • Boost is meant to be like a multivitamin and extra calories for folks who need a ‘boost’… Sure it’s a ‘meal replacement’ but it’s not actually supposed to be all you eat. You’re not a cat, you need more than a ration of kibble every day. You need to take care of yourself darling. Like… Vegetables. Fruit. All the vitamins and minerals and protein and such that you use daily that you’re currently providing only in a prepackaged format which isn’t as absorbable and useable… If it’s too high in iron you won’t suck up the calcium you need, if it’s too high in some vitamins you won’t absorb others… That’s why you’re supposed to eat some variety. Boost is a good coverall. But you need some basic nutrition under there too.

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                    • I know 😦 My doctor keeps telling me that I can’t life off of Boost…but it’s just so easy. I’ve tried those frozen things but they taste like cardboard and it’s hard to find anything that doesn’t have chicken in it. UGH. My friend found some vegetable pot pies but they taste like bland flour. They’re yuk.

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                    • Um… What about real food. Like. Actual veggies and fruit. You don’t even have to cook that. I think if you added a plate or two of raw yum to your world your doc and I would see marvellous improvement!

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  4. He may very well have dreams and even real thoughts, goals about school. That in itself is good, it shows that he could start over in life. But, the problem is, he is not in reality. As you say, he wants to just skip this part of life where he has to clean up his mistakes and get sober, first… I think him becoming angry/abusive, is really him being a sad boy inside, thinking “not even his mom seems to believe in him anymore”. And he gets stuck in “the pit of self pity”. (It is a deep pit, I myself fall into it quite often😉) It is absolutely no excuse for him to be abusive towards you. I’m just trying to understand, psychologically, where he’s at in his head.. It’s too bad he uses these destructive ways.. instead of resorting to abusing you, and live in fantasies, you’d wish he could tackle it head on, and say; I want to turn my life around, as soon as I work through this mess. But I do think he needs to go to Rehab and be motivated to go through with it… this must be hard for you. Hugs!💜

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    • Dreams are good but it’s like going out and buying ten cartons of milk and you don’t even own a refrigerator. I reminded him (again) that I had arranged for free treatment and he started yelling about being handcuffed and slammed on the ground. I said I wasn’t talking about jail and he said that went on in rehab. I told him that I had visited him every time and I had never seen a mark on him. Again, he is just in fantasy land. I have to fight wanting to say (again)…”if you want to abuse somebody, call Loser and his WTC and abuse them”…but I don’t. I don’t know what Sams’ advice would be. I’m just so weary.

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