I thought I would do a different kind of post. It will give everybody a chance to do the proverbial “rolling their eyes” or just shaking their heads and saying “oh, my fucking God…are you kidding me?”
It’s about the gradual loss of my little girl innocence that has provided a lot of fodder for a lot of people but if it makes you laugh, then that’s good.
I was remembering the first time my son had to go to jail. One of my daughters said “I hope he doesn’t bend down to pick up the soap.” I said “shoot, don’t I know it! It sucks when you’re trying to pick up that slimy little sucker, especially when the bathtub isn’t draining right.”
I was talking to Loser one time and I said “girls weren’t having sex when I was in high school.” That resulted in a “you’re a fucking idiot” response.” ( I still don’t think they were.)
When J***** had his girlfriend in C********* and he was regularly spending the night with her, I looked at Loser and said “you don’t think they’re having sex, do you?” Loser couldn’t even get the “you’re a fucking idiot” out of his mouth because he was too busy looking at me like I was a fucking idiot.
When I was working, somehow the subject of tattoos came up. I was telling a crew that my youngest daughter had just gotten a tattoo (without me knowing.) One of the girls asked me where it was and I pointed to the small of my back and said “right here.” She said “oh, a fuck me tattoo.” I said “Oh God, no! Hers doesn’t say that! Hers is a moon and a star.”
Dispatch loved to toy with me. Before shift, I was at base one day and the dispatcher called me in and asked me if my carpet matched my drapes. I thought it was a strange question but I said “well, I only have carpet in one room, and yeah, actually…it does.” The whole station was rolling on the floor, laughing. I said “what’s so funny? It matches.”
Another time, the dispatcher waited until we were on our way back to base because our shift was almost over and said he had a call for us. In EMS, you have to take a call even if it is one minute until your shift is over and it means three more hours of work. I was driving so I was relaying the information to my partner.
He said “I need you to pick up Richard Cranium.” I clicked off the walkie, looked at my partner and said “oh, shit! He’s not supposed to say their name over the Nextel!” Then I looked at her and said “what a strange name.” I started getting the information….address, time the call came in, where we were going to take him and general directions.
I said “are we running code?” He said “absolutely.” So I lit up the ambulance and asked….”what’s the complaint?” The dispatcher said “it’s hard and he can’t seem to get it soft.” Of course, stupid me says “it’s hard! What’s hard? You’re going to have to give me a better indication of what you’re talking about so I’ll know what equipment to take in with me.” He said “you’ll need a prophylactic.” I said “we don’t carry prophylactics on our truck!” He said “well, you’re going to have to stop at the drugstore and get some.” I said “we’re running code! There’s no time to stop at the drugstore and besides, I don’t even know what kind to get!”
It was then that I could hear everybody at the station just howling. It was a pretty good joke. My partner was in on it and said “think about it….Richard Cranium?” “DICK HEAD? IT’S HARD?”
That same week, the dispatcher came running out to the bay and said “did they tell you that when you clean the truck, you’re supposed to wipe the steering wheel down with KY jelly?” I said “no, nobody told me…why?” He said “for sanitary purposes.” That sounded reasonable to me, so I slathered the steering wheel all over with KY jelly. It was a seasoned crew that was relieving us, and believe me…they got me back.
Then there was the call when we had to pick up a body and deliver it to the morgue. I was riding with a different medic that day because my partner had a doctors’ appointment. The medic told me that I had to “ride in the back with the body.” I asked him why and he said “because you have to hook him up to the monitor and run a strip just to confirm that he is indeed deceased.” There was a lock on the body bag so I couldn’t get the zipper down. I told the medic and he said “just try to find his arm and see if you get a pulse.” I could see him watching me and I could hear him snickering but I did what I was told to do and when we got back to base, everybody was asking me to “take their pulse.”
We would see people naked all the time. We had just been on a run and noticed that the man we picked up hadn’t been circumcised. After we finished the run, I was doing the paperwork while my partner was driving and she said “my boyfriend in high school wasn’t circumcised.” I looked at her incredulously and said “how do you know? Did he actually TELL you that?” She looked at me (incredulously) and said “No, P****. I know because he was my boyfriend and I had sex with him.” I know I blushed. She said “you are so naive.” I said “no I’m not. I just didn’t have sex when I was in high school.”
I am not through looking ridiculous. One of the blogs I follow was talking about some kind of boots. I asked her what those were. She was gracious when she told me but I’m sure she was wondering what turnip truck I had just fallen off of.
When I was in my early twenties, I was talking to a guy and he said something (sexual) and I just didn’t understand what he was talking about. He laughed and said “you really were raised on cornbread and dumb, weren’t you?” I knew what cornbread was but I had to ask “what’s dumb?” I thought it was some new kind of food that I had never heard of.
I think the worst was from my high school boyfriend (who is now a missionary.) We were the most “on again, off again” couple there had ever been. I still hold such fondness for him and I remember asking Loser once why he supposed I had nothing but good memories of him. He said “because there was no sex involved.” I thought that was interesting. My boyfriend and I never went on a date and never even kissed.
Anyway, we were “off again” and he was sitting in what we called the rotunda. He was rubbing his knees and I asked him why he was doing that. He said “it’s where you slobbered.” I just shot back with “why would I be kissing your knees?” He and all his friends were laughing so hard, they almost fell in the floor. I didn’t get it.
It wasn’t until I was married that I actually got what he meant and I was really hurt that he would say something like that. I have talked to him several times over the years and I actually brought that up. He said he knew that I was as pure as the driven snow but he was mad at me. He apologized and asked me to forgive him. I’m still thinking about it.
I admit that I was naive and still am about certain things. I had to ask one of my followers what LMAO meant. I didn’t know what SW, POS, bat-shit or a fucktard was….but I do now. I’m learning.
I hope you at least got a giggle out of this. Obviously, I don’t mind being the “butt” of a joke.