Suicide

Suicide is painless or so says the infamous theme song of the television show “M*A*S*H.”
There can be painless suicide…for the person committing it but it can be very painful to those left behind so no…suicide is not painless.

One of my favorite medics had worked for the county for many years.  I ran into him one day and after he picked me up and twirled me around, he started telling me about a “run” he had just been on and was kind of giggling.
A man had “accidentally” hanged himself and despite all the cold towels that could be found and placed on him, it was to no avail.
Any of you out there with any kind of medical knowledge (or carnal knowledge) can probably deduce what happened.  He said the man obviously wasn’t trying to commit suicide but he did.
The conversation segued into common ways people commit suicide.

I told him that my niece (who I never met) had just recently hanged herself.  He said that most women either hang themselves or take sleeping pills.
He said “now, us black men sometimes hang ourselves or shoot ourselves but we don’t ever shoot ourselves in the face.”

When I told my oldest daughter that her cousin was dead, the first thing out of her mouth was “did she hang herself?”
I was surprised when she asked me that.  I admit, the first thing I thought was that it must have been a drug overdose.

I don’t think I had ever given too much thought to the ways or even the typical gender or race styles of suicide.
There is hanging, pills, jumpers, self-inflicted gunshot wounds, suicide by cop, air bubbles in veins, assisted suicide, slashing wrists and drowning.
Suicide is almost always on purpose but sometimes, it is by accident.  I don’t think that when people are doing drugs, they think it’s going to kill them but nonetheless, they end up committing suicide.  Obviously, that man nor David Carradine had suicide in mind.
There is just a plethora of ways to off yourself and there does seem to be a distinction when it comes to which sex and which race is committing the “crime” and how it is perpetrated.

I have been asked by every counselor I’ve ever seen if I have ever contemplated suicide.  My stock answer was and always is “no, but I don’t particularly care if I die.”  That response never seems to ring any alarm bells because I think they can see it in my eyes.  I used to follow it with “I want to get better and live” but I don’t say that anymore.

When my niece hanged herself, Losers’ mama was whining about how she was “just too good for this earth and how she was the only grandchild she ever prayed for and what an angel she was.”
I asked her if she ever prayed for MY children and she shook her head and said “no.”  I wasn’t surprised she didn’t but I was a little surprised that she actually admitted it and it pissed me off.  Losers’ daddys’ only reaction was “well, not much you can do about it.”  He showed no emotion or sadness… he was just matter of fact and then left the room.

Losers’ mama kept talking about how “brave” she was.  I looked at her and said “it doesn’t take courage to kill yourself….it takes courage to live.”
I told her that every single day, I picked up people who would give everything they owned for the life she had just taken.
It made her mad and she dismissed “those other people” as having “caused their life-ending diseases” and said “that’s what they get.”  I was so outraged by that stupid statement that I got up and left the room.

I don’t know how I feel about suicide now.  We’ve all heard the saying “taking the cowards’ way out by committing suicide” but I think there are times and circumstances when there may not be another choice.  If (God forbid) another world war happened and I survived the initial blast and was looking at a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning, I might entertain the idea of eating my gun.
I’d have to find it first, of course.  I think it’s somewhere out in my garage and I have no idea where the bullets are.

Self preservation is the strongest human instinct and I might have it in the back of my mind that maybe I would be one of the lucky ones who actually survived…but I’m not sure I would wait to see.

As far as I know, nobody in my family has ever committed suicide (but knowing my secretive, fucked-up family, I can’t be sure.)  I’m not aware of any other suicides in Losers’ family.  There were a few chain-gang members who “walked off” and were never heard from again but they may very well have sired some of the famous politicians who are now in office.

Sam says that J***** is slowly committing suicide by drinking himself to death and that I am slowly committing suicide by starving myself to death.  I don’t believe it’s true in either case.
J***** just can’t stop drinking and I just can’t start eating and here comes the famous “I don’t care.”
I care about J***** but I know I can’t help him.  It is what it is and it will be what it will be.  He will survive if it’s meant to be and so will I.

8 thoughts on “Suicide

  1. It hurts to read this because I feel how hurt, angry, and hopeless you are right now. I say right now because I have faith that things can change. I have contemplated suicide, many times, starting as a young girl. I’ve never attempted but I’ve come very close. I’m sorry for your niece, even though you never knew her. It takes a deep and powerful sense of despair and emotional pain coupled with absolutely no hope to follow through with suicide.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Suicide is so tragic, and always makes me think and wonder if there was nothing that could have been done for that person.. I do not mean to judge, I absolutely understand that people can be in those levels of pain.. but it is so tragic.. cause life can change. I hope you do not starve yourself anymore, you need your strength, friend. You deserve to live well. Hugs.💜

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    • I’m not doing it on purpose. I have started meeting my friend after my sessions with Sam and we treat ourselves to two hand-thrown doughnuts! They are the best doughnuts I have ever tasted. I know it’s not nutritional but it sure is good!
      And if we have time, we will find a little cafe and I always opt for as many vegetables as they have. I just don’t buy food for my house because it goes bad before I can eat it. I think if I can get my head fixed (never mind my heart) my appetite might come back. My problem is that I just don’t get hungry…ever. I have to remind myself to drink one of my Boosts. Sigh.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I understand! I hope you get your appetite back! It is good that you go for doughnouts and vegetables at least, so you do not fade away! I also had a low period when I was basically leaving off of energy drinks, but I had to stop, cause I got too tired to keep up at work.. So first I started eating well.. The frozen dinners from the grocery store.. but! A good sign, I have found my way into cooking more and more at home.. a good sign I hope. 😊 I hope you find joy in food again!

        Liked by 1 person

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