Home » A disease-Giving Husband » I Made It Through

I Made It Through

Today is January 16th.  The month is half over and it occurred to me…”I made it through the holidays.”  They started just three months ago with Halloween but it seems so long ago…for me.
Halloween was special in our house.  I made quilts for each bedroom and each room had different themes.  There were Halloween shower curtains, towels and rugs in the bathrooms.  There were Halloween dishes and glasses.  True, I probably went overboard but my children always seemed to enjoy the decorations.
As much as I enjoyed Halloween, it became more joyous when it was over because it meant that Christmas was next.  I by-passed Thanksgiving (except for the wonderful dinners we always had) and went straight to Christmas.
It was the same with Christmas…quilts, shower curtains, massive amounts of trees and decorations and it was magical for the children…even after they grew up.
New Years were never considered “special.”  Loser always seemed to have to work and most of the children were on dates or at parties so many of them, I spent alone.  I resented the loud firecracker booms anyway and hoped they would be over when it was time for me to go to bed.
Now, I don’t care about the holidays.

I don’t think I’m kidding myself when I say I don’t care.  I don’t think I care about much of anything anymore.  I cavalierly say that it doesn’t bother me that my children don’t try to contact me and I think I mean it.
My standard response for almost everything is “I don’t care.”

I discuss this with Sam almost every time we meet.  He said that I’m angry and anger is a secondary emotion.  I said “secondary to what?”
He said “abuse, disappointment, sorrow…all the things you have suffered.”
I told him I was fine with anger and I would rather be angry because at least anger got me up in the morning.
He said “one day, you and I are going to sit here and laugh together.”
I told him I doubted it, but he could bet his sweet bippy that we were never going to sit there and cry together.  He just smiled at me.

He has mentioned several times about “meeting a man who is going to treat me the way I should have always been treated.”  I tell him “unless he falls through my ceiling, it’s not going to happen.”
He asked me to imagine that a wonderful man was sitting beside me on the sofa and asked me what I would do.  I scooted all the way over to the edge, leaned over the arm, wrapped my legs around each other, crossed my chest with my arms and then I cringed.  For those of you who understand body language, that was a clear message…”you aren’t getting anywhere near me or my heart.”
When he asked me what I was feeling, before I even thought about it, I said “repulsion.”

I really like Sam but my answer to everything he says is “no or I can’t or I don’t believe you.”  He is constantly telling me that I don’t understand what a “special” person I am…I’m stunning…I’m intelligent…I’m talented….I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.  Isn’t that what a therapist is SUPPOSED to tell somebody?
I am constantly pushing back and resisting everything he says and I think I’m wasting my time, my gas and my money because I know he can’t fix me and I tell him that.

I am beginning to sound like my son, when we were musing over the huge lottery.  I don’t play the lottery because to me, it is somewhat like gambling.  I told him that IF I played and If I won, the first thing I would do would be to get him into a top-notch rehab place with top-notch doctors and medication.  His response?  “I wouldn’t go.”

Maybe that’s what I’m telling Sam….”I won’t go.”

I applied to be a Guardian ad Litem.  I thought maybe I would be able to help an abused child since I was so familiar with abuse.  I went through the process of background checks and references.  I was a little excited about it and as soon as the administrators found out that I was “single” they immediately started talking about all the single men who worked there, and said “they are going to love meeting you.”  I tried not to be rude when I curtly told them that I wasn’t interested in finding a man.
They called me to tell me that I was approved and instead of being happy, I immediately went into self-protection mode.  It would mean that I would have to get out of my house.  It would be a commitment, which I would honor without fail but commitments for me, seemed to always be one-sided.

I don’t want to do it.  I…just…don’t…want…to…do…it.

39 thoughts on “I Made It Through

  1. I don’t think its that N**** won’t abandon her dad for you..It sounds like she already chose you.. But creativerational is right..she’s not ONLY you, she’s also him…and if you’d have her abandon all of her that is him-it may take away some good parts that have led to the great relationship you have with her 😉

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  2. Stop with the negativity. You deserve happiness, be it with a new partner or alone. Just embrace this new start. You got ride of the toxic of Loser, now live your life, go out and smile make friends, don’t think of what has been done to you. Say fuck it and them…they can’t keep harming me, I won’t let what happened to me take control of my life and my happiness!

    I agree with Sam. You are special, intelligent and talented and I take his word as for stunning. Now go and conquer your life and new beginning to happy. (Age doesn’t matter). {hugs}

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    • I am pretty fucking negative, aren’t I? I try to limit most of it to my blogging but it does spill over sometimes. Maybe being positive is something that was so rare, I forgot how to use it. Everything always seemed to have a negative connotation…even what I thought was the good stuff. An accomplishment whether from me or my children was met with “approval” but there was always a “BUT….did you think of doing it this way or that’s good but do you think you could do it better next time?” It’s hard to fly with broken wings…but that’s what he left me. I guess I need a roll of duck tape!

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  3. Don’t give up on yourself and pretend it’s you being frugal and realistic about Sam. He is challenging the awful programming you have dealt with. He is also probably trying to make you see that these comments which make you uncomfortable are actually… Not bed things. So they don’t deserve immediate distrust. I like Sam. And I think you are pushing him away because if you keep going, you know he might actually let him help you. The only person in the way of that… Is you. You want to feel different? You want to maybe someday not just be overwhelmed always with just abuse memories? Keep going. Keep letting yourself be vulnerable in that office, because it is a safe place. And as for your volunteering- you have put the message out there, you are there to volunteer not troll for dates. Perfect! So let it be. Everything else is not a big deal, let life happen. You are there to work with the kids. Nothing else matters. Congratulations for this big step. I love it. I’m so so so proud of you. I know you say it’s not changing, everything is still awful- but I have only been reading your stuff for a few months- and they have changed. Recently you have mentioned… Of your own volition… Hope. You have made multiple changes in the past months that I didn’t see before. You are making progress. You cannot undo everything in one day or week, or even year. Prisoners of war are always affected, it may never heal totally. That’s you. But they can get way better. It will be awhile. But you’re already getting there. And I’m so so so proud of you. Sending you love.

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    • I thought I saw changes too but I seem to be falling back into that dark, twisty place. Maybe it’s the two steps forward, one step back routine. And, honestly, I will tell Sam that sometimes I don’t think it’s worth the trouble. My depression is feeding my depression. It’s what I’ve lived with for so long, it’s like I don’t know how to recognize anything else. It’s the mistrust. I absolutely cannot get myself to believe it when somebody tells me “I’m worth it.”
      I just talked to my youngest daughter and although she has many (self-admitted) traits of Loser, she told me that she doesn’t give a shit about him…that I raised her and I was the one who made her feel special and beautiful and smart…that her son adores me and doesn’t even know Loser because he can’t be bothered to come see him. She is my champion but yet….she will never desert Loser. She did say (and this is awful) “when J***** dies, if Loser brings his WTC down to see him, she better not say one word to you or she will wish she had never been born because I’ll get ghetto on her ass in a hot second.” At least she made me laugh. (This child is as far from ghetto as you can get. She used to literally get harassed by modeling agencies and not the kind that charges you.)

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      • Please understand that when you’re considering your kids… And they come from two people… They never want to give up on the idea that both of their DNA donors don’t suck. As much as they want you to… Be ok- that feeling is also probably echoed for their dad. She is being as biased as she can be. I’m glad she recognizes that you’re the one who cares, even if she can’t be more firm with her boundaries with X. I’m sorry your other kids are even more lost. Maybe at some time… They will come around.

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        • And you know what? I told her that Sam and I had sort of agreed that I should “reach out” to them. She said “mom…be prepared to be ignored. They think you’re clearly insane.” Funny, those are the exact same words Loser used when he realized that he wasn’t going to push me around anymore.
          Don’t need to wonder any more about what has transpired between them and Loser, do I?

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          • They think you’re insane… Because they have been living in a world where up is down. They are not as long into his abuse as you, but they grew up with it as their life too. That you finally found the strength to say no… It would seem bonkers to me too. Oh well, I’m certain you’re amazing. And beautiful. And strong. And as you reach out to kids- maintain your no contact rule about your Ex. That will help you seem less crazy.

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            • You know, after N**** told me that’s what they said, I decided that I wasn’t going to reach out to them. I’ll talk to Sam about it but even without the “insanity accusation” I knew any communication was going to be fraught with boundaries and conditions and I already knew that I was never going to be subjected to that again. Things happen for a reason and I think N**** calling me today and our chat was a sign….DON’T DO IT….you’ll only get hurt more.

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                • I’m just so disappointed that my oldest think I am “insane.” It is soooooo Loser talking. I had always been there and they don’t remember that. I am fighting the urge to email them and tell them…something…I don’t know what. Maybe I’ll talk to Sam about it but just hearing that is such a punch to the heart, you know?
                  You may be right. Keep the people who support me.

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                  • Ok. Well… I get it. But… Keep in mind- you got your one daughters summation of what her siblings would say. I generalize all the time. And if I’m talking to my mom about my siblings, I will boil down their response. My sister turns into a ‘mom and dad just want to be friends with you, let’s go do some activities!!!’ And my brother will say ‘what’s the thing we all have to do together which will require the least effort” … It’s not even close to what they would really say, but it does accurately summarize their personalities. When daughter says ‘they’ll just say you’re insane’ it’s a boiled down summation of what they say to her, or their general answer for everything that causes them distress. They want everyone to be happy? Let’s look at their perspective- they grew up, you shielded them for many years from as much as you could, you put up with the garbage. You finally get your freedom. You’re done with the douche bag that is their father. They don’t really get it, and even if they do… They are jealous of your freedoms. They are trying to live their lives- which is what you wanted for them. They’re trying to move on from the shit he dealt out all their lives….have you considered that to them you are a trigger? Just as they are to you? it means all the conversation you stir, or anything you respond about when he comes up (even the shit you do involuntarily- like call him loser or scoff at his mention in a story…) they think you’re picking at the scab. Not even yours- Theirs. They’re also trying to heal. And they may be getting dad in all his miserable glory. And of course that brings them to blame you, since that’s the change they see. Fucked uo, right? So when it comes to trying to move on… Think about your own situation: you have enormous trouble not thinking on him and being triggered on your pile of shit. If they keep ignoring that it happened- deciding that you’re acting like a loon, they ultimately don’t need to deal with the reality that he is a fuck pile. It’s easier to decide you’re just being a whacky momma and pretend their life wasn’t dismal. That their dad didn’t destroy their mother in front of them without any of them ever challenging him. It’s all fucked up baggage. They have just as much as you, and it’s against you, because you won’t retaliate. Dad would never stand for that. And they fear him. and their indoctrination started at birth. They’re shit, they’re awful, he rules the world… So… Again. This whole fucked up pile is your ex’s fault. We all know that. But. Blaming him doesn’t actually do anything. It doesn’t make their life easier. It doesn’t give them anything to fight with. Their mom dealt with it all her life and she got away and it’s still killing her. It makes you easier to call crazy because you’re off ranting and being weird about a guy that’s not in your life anymore.

                    So there’s a solution. And yes, I do think talking to Sam is important. Because if you contact them, it needs to be… Only about your kids. For everyone. “Hey. How are you guys, how was Christmas, what did you do? That’s good. I miss you all, and I love you. Let’s talk again soon.” If or when he comes up, change the direction. Because NONE of you behave, and NONE of you get anywhere when he still rules your world. As soon as its ‘oh dad and X came by and we had Christmas dinner’ you’re going to want to snort or reel. Nope. You instead say ‘Sounds delicious, did you guys open presents in the morning on Christmas, or at nighttime Christmas Eve? How was New Years” don’t even blink. They also have been trained in classic narc behaviour- they will try to push your buttons, and they get off on hitting them. Negative attention is part of their world. It hits their buttons. Time to train their habits. And maybe they will see that you’re not just an entertainment machine to react with pain. Maybe they will see you as a person. Someone with an opinion. A soul, a valid interest in their life. But I would wait until Sam thinks your ready. And really hope that sometime you get to a
                    Good place with them.. And if not…. Then they’re done. You’ve gotten away from one vampire…. Hugs.

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                    • You have such good, sound advice. I understand about things getting “lost in translation” but N**** was repeating what they said to her and it wasn’t in a “tattletale” style. She was responding to my question of “why did they treat me the way they did.” She said “because they think you are insane, mom.”
                      When my oldest was still talking to me, I requested that we not mention Loser (I didn’t call him that then) and she said “mom, that might be kind of hard…you know, we will probably mention him to you.” Now, this was AFTER she and my second daughter had laid down their rules about me not being able to mention their little sister or their brother. I’m expected to adhere to their rules without question and under the penalty of being hung up on and never spoken to again, but they expect leniency when it comes to MY requests.
                      NOBODY is EVER allowed to mention my oldest daughters’ husbands’ first wife, nor my second daughters’ husbands’ first wife. If they want to rant about them, I have always listened and been on their side. I am sick to death of the double standards.
                      I will talk to Sam but I think N**** is right. Even if I did reach out, I would probably not get a response…you know, since I’m insane. I would like closure, though…even if it means telling them that we are done.
                      And, you’re right…I did get away from an absolute horror of a human being and I may just have to accept the fact that he cost me so much but at least I have my freedom. I’ve heard that it’s bad luck to wish bad Karma on somebody…that it will come back on you, but DAMN! Can’t I catch a break? LOL

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                    • Hahaha oh I hope he gets a terrible seat belt injury and has to poop out the side of his body for life. We will see who treats him like god when he needs someone to wash his weird hole and tape his bag down to live normal.

                      But if it doesn’t happen that way, the other way to serve him right is to move forward. Because that’s the best revenge ever. The weird twist is it involves not thinking on him.

                      Your whole response sounds reasonable. You are subject to a double standard. They are being kind of awful. Minimize their impact on you, concentrate on you, and the kids who do talk with you, and the kids who need your support as a volunteer, and about making you feel like your life is yours again. Talk and work with Sam. Blog here.

                      You deserve so much. I’m pulling for you.

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                    • Ha. A colostomy bag would indeed NOT be very romantic but like I’ve said before…as long as somebody keeps writing checks, all kinds of things can be overlooked. My youngest daughter forwarded me a text this morning at 1:30. It was to her from Loser.
                      I may include it in a blog but I will definitely talk to Sam about it. What a piece of shit he is…and he’s still the same bullying asshole. I don’t think it bothered her but he is basically beating the shit out of her…verbally…and he thinks he is entitled to do just that. Again, what a dick.

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  4. How long has it been since you separated with Loser? You talk as if it happened fairly recently. In this healing process, clinging onto anger keeps you stuck more than it helps. It eventually breeds jaded contempt and deep rooted unhappiness that really does a disservice to you and the life you still have. You aren’t dead yet. As long as there is breath, there is hope. Maybe you aren’t there yet, but you can be. Unfortunately, your therapist can only met you where you are willing to go. The hard work is up to you. Anger is often the easiest emotion to feel and express, but kept at that level, it becomes poisonous to a person’s soul. 💙

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    • I technically left Loser ten years ago but we still maintained a close relationship. Due to his struggle with finding a job after he was fired and having houses in two states, it was sketchy. It wasn’t until he decided to turn me into a whore, that I got mad. He had found his bar-hop but clearly wanted to keep me, her and his money. When I let him know that I wasn’t going to be his whore and was no longer going to be his doormat….things got ugly. We’ve only been divorced since July but the pleading he made to the court, was the final straw I think…coupled with the loss of my children. That’s why I’m so angry.

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  5. Hey, just throwing in my 2 cents here, as I always do.. whether asked or not asked.. 😉 For me, this post comes off as though there are different parts of you, who are battling.. there is the part that wants something else, something different, that wants to move forward, heal and find joy in things.. I think it is this part who makes you drive all the way to see Sam, who holds some hope that the talks with him will mean come change for you. This part also made you want to work with the abused children, I believe. Both to do good, but also because it is an opportunity to meet new people and get nex experiences… Then there seems to be the other part, who wants to stay home, and not change things, and give up hope about healing… This could be entirely wrong interpretation… maybe it is just because I feel this in myself, this battle between hope and hopelessness.. And it is very scary to get some hope again, cause it feels like then it can be taken away again.. I don’t know, I am just rambling.. 🙂 Ignore this, if you want. Come see my new photos instead… may be as disappointing as this comment, though, for you… 😉 I believe in the part of you that wants to heal, btw! Hugs!!

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    • There ARE two sides, I think. Sometimes I think I can actually do something for myself and then the “I don’t care” attitude creeps in. There IS a battle between hope and hopelessness. I have to constantly fight that I don’t care response but it is so comfortable and noncommittal…and I do find comfort just staying in my house, drinking my Boost. I think were it not for my age, it might be different…and the staunch belief that neither Sam nor anybody else can fix me. If I could be fixed, wouldn’t it have happened many years ago?

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      • Just the fact that there even ARE two sides fighting within you, shows that there is hope, in my opinion. If there was no chance of “fixing you”, why would you even bother going to therapy, for example? I think there is great hope that you could be “fixed”, but, not in the sense that you are completely the same as before all the abuse… you will still carry the wounds. But hopefully reach a healed enough level to enjoy life quite a lot, and be interested in new things, develop hobbies, new friendships, perhaps even a romantic relationship some time, who knows. I do not expect myself to be the same after what I went through, but I do expect to be able to live life with enough joy for it to be “worth it” so to speak… I also think nobody else can fix us, we have to do that ourselves, but of course, with the aid of one or several people that we meet. Just be aware of all the signs of healing and hope within you, (a smile, a laugh, a feeling of contentment, feeling of excitement, inspiration etc), notice when those feelings come, in what situation, and do more of that sort of thing you were doing in the moment. That is all I know how to do anyway. I know it is more comfortable at home, I have been like that too, but I am getting a bit tired of it… ! 🙂 Hugs.

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        • I think it may be just like Sam said the first time I saw him…”you have been so damaged and made to feel so worthless” that I feel like maybe I’m not worth fixing. I still remember mama asking me what in this round world I had ever done to make anybody love me. Even though I’m over that now, I still remember it and I’m sure it is still floating around in my head somewhere.
          I think back to the time when I hit the floor running in the morning, with quilt ideas in my head and all but rushing Loser off to work so that I could get into my sewing room. If I had a new design in mind (especially if it was going to be a gift) I was chomping at the bit to let the creative juices start flowing.
          My whole basement is full of sewing machines, quilters, and fabric. I once told my RBS when I was talking about my sewing room in F******, “hell, there could be somebody living back there for all I know.” There could be somebody living in my basement for all I know. I have been down there three or four times in the last nine months. I just can’t do it.
          I brought my drawing paper and pencils up with a picture in mind and I started drawing. I hadn’t drawn in years but I thought I’d give it a shot. Before I knew it, I had drawn an emaciated woman curled up in a ball…exactly the way I sit and sleep. I threw it away.
          I should bemoan the fact that I don’t do any of the things I loved to do before, but I don’t. That clearly indicates to me that something has died and it is serious.

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          • I also think like Sam said.. all that abuse has of course gotten to you, they are deep wounds.. But; i think to myself: A person who is completely dead inside, would probably not be sitting and writing a fantastic blog…like you. 🙂 So, I want to believe that there is hope. I do believe that! But everything has to be done in your own way and at your own schedule. You have the power to take some steps forward, however little they are.. 🙂 You know.. sometimes I have thought like that, too.. like “i just wanna stay here in the dark, throw the covers over my head and forget the world” etc. But then I think: Hey! Then I would let that POS ex narc win! Then he would have made me into a walking dead… I’ll be damned if I let him do that to me. By god, I will thrive and enjoy life, and that’s that. I know it is not that simple. But I like doing that sort of pep talk to myself. I can feel something strong and rebellious inside me, then…. 🙂 Hugs!

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            • That VERY thing (I think) is what keeps me from digging a hole and refusing to come out….Loser wins.
              My friends daughter said “you should write a book! Loser always talked about wanting to write a book. YOU write one and let him sit there with his WTC and eat his heart out!”
              I told her that was a great idea and would probably go far in healing (or getting retribution) but I’m not a writer and I don’t know the first thing about it…besides, reading other peoples’ blogs, leaves me embarrassed and thinking “THEY know how to write!”

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              • You could always try writing a book, or even take some of your posts and make chapters, into a book.. And even if you would never write a book, you still have a very interesting and captivating blog! That’s gotta count for something. It took me a while to get over the threshold of even starting a blog, I had absolutely no self confidence after my ex, I just thought who would ever want to read about my boring life and thoughts… and then I just thought: what the heck, I will just write a blog for myself, even if no one reads.. 🙂 sometimes, you just got to do things I guess, and not give a rat’s ass what anybody else thinks.. you are a fine writer by the way, just so you know! 🙂

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  6. Holidays are the worst I feel, after you loose something or someone. Nothing cries out family and happiness like holidays. Glad you made it through.
    I was reading you and how you say ‘I don’t care’ and I was thinking about me. I’m saying that often too without even realizing it. I have a generalized feeling of “fuck it all” going on. I guess it is part of the process…

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    • It may be. I think at some point in the last ten years though, it should have eased a bit. If anything, I think it has gotten worse. I don’t know how old you are but if this had all happened even twenty years ago, there might still have been hope for me…but all I got was lies, while my life was being wasted.

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        • Oh, child, please. I was in my thirties when Loser had his first (?) tryst. If I had known then, it could have saved me thirty more years of just what I said…a wasted life. Youth is on your side. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t devastated or that it won’t take time to get over it (if ever) but you have much more time to heal than I do. Take advantage of that still relatively young life.

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