Home » A Wasted Life » Blurred Lines

Blurred Lines

I have received so many well wishes and hopes for healing and it occurred to me….how do I heal when I don’t know what my disease is?
I have always been the kind who not only wanted answers…I needed answers.  I thought I had finally found the answer to why Loser treated me and the children the way he did but now, I am not so sure.
I had come to believe that Loser is a narcissist.  He fits the criteria for so many of the traits…but not all of them.  He has been called a sociopath.  Again, he fits so many of the traits…but not all of them.
Those are blurred lines.

Is it possible to have many traits of both disorders?  Does it form a completely different disorder?  How would that disorder be diagnosed?  Even more importantly, how would you heal after having been damaged for so many years by a person who medically or professionally can’t be properly diagnosed nor can the effects of the damage?  How can there be a prescription for a disorder that has no clear definition?
Blurred lines.

I can’t justify in my mind either of these one of these disorders because they don’t apply across the board.  I just do not believe that a man can be so indifferent and emotionally abusive to his (then wife) and his children and then become the light of someone elses’ life and publicly express his wish to be a better man for her and a good influence on her daughter.
That is not the mark of a sociopath or a narcissist.

How can somebody be revered by “cub reporters” who credit him with making them an outstanding writer and all but crown him king… yet be so reviled and cursed by other co-workers that they wish him dead?  An alleged narcissist or sociopath would have a universal reputation.  Blurred lines.

The three main women in Losers’ life all left him and we were all dubbed as having some kind of “mental illness.”  His WTC stayed with him after he lied to her and betrayed her.  To date, she suffers from no mental illness that has been divulged.  How can he be a perfect mate for her and not for us?  Again, not the mark of a narcissist or a sociopath. Again, blurred lines.

The search for answers has always been my downfall.  It has always left me wanting.  It has always been criticized.  It has been dismissed.  It was used by Loser in court to qualify that I was so damaged, he couldn’t fix me despite his valiant efforts, which made the divorce my fault.
How can there be no answers to a question that to me, is paramount?  How can there be no answer to the question “why are some human beings so violent and abusive to a select few and not to others, when the supposition is that the person suffers from a disorder that cannot be defined?”

It’s a simple question.  Why is there not a simple answer?

 

 

34 thoughts on “Blurred Lines

  1. I still want a clear answer to. An explanation that actually explains why it happened. My partner couldn’t give that answer neither. I used to think she just didn’t wanted to admit it to me… Now I’m pretty sure she’s clueless to why she acts like she does.
    Life isn’t black and white. Answers are often too complex to be explanatory.
    Sadly… Well never get the answers we’re looking for. And if did, would it even make a difference?

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    • It would make a difference to me. When after more than fifty years, I was finally told why my mama hated me, it was such a relief. I felt like five hundred pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. The truth can hurt but it will never hurt as much as lies.

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      • Oh, I know. I desperately need to get my answers too. I’m just trying to conform with the fact that I will never get them.
        Why did your mother hate you?

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            • Mama gave my little brother a bottle of aspirin to play with because he liked the “rattle.” I was “supposedly” a pretty smart little cookie and one day I figured out how to get the lid off. He ate them and he died from aspirin poisoning. He was only two and a half years old and I was only three and a half years old but I still did it. I used to wonder why mama would hit me and say “you’re so smart” with every blow.
              After she died, I found out why. Having four children of my own, I can only imagine the grief she suffered.

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              • Oh Uau…. That’s awful. But you know it was NOT your fault. You were a just a tiny girl.
                I can’t even imagine what she felt… But blaming you was wrong.
                Sorry to hear all that.

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                • I guess it was the only way she could cope. I know he was precious to her and I took him away from her. There was no money for her to get help and I’m not sure there was even any help to offer if there had been money. Like I said…now that I know why she hated me, it’s easier to deal with.

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              • Oh wow…. That’s awful!
                You do know that none of that was your fault? You were just a little baby girl.
                I can’t even imagine what your mother felt…. But, blaming you for that tragedy was another tragedy on its own.

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  2. I am also realising that sometimes we spend so much time trying to work people out- why did they do what they did, why did they hurt me, was it because they were stressed, depressed, abused as a child, not given enough love etc etc. Sometimes people do things because they wanted to, they hurt you because they didn’t really love you, they didn’t care enough, they cared about themselves more. Sometimes it’s as simple as that – even though that itself can be quite painful – but more to do with them than us. And when they seem to be better for other people – maybe they really are better or maybe it’s just a matter of time until they experience what you did

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    • That’s what a lot of people say…it’s just a matter of time before his “true colors” start showing. I think you may have hit the nail on the head, though. I don’t think he ever really cared about me or his children…after all, three of his children were girls (which he has no use for) and his son is a “worthless piece of shit.” I refused to be the queen…hang out in bars, drinking all night and praising him for being “God” and I was never the type to fuck somebody elses’ husband (which is obviously the kind of woman he’s attracted to.) It’s just a shame that he destroyed so many lives…with absolutely no regret.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. How can a woman that I treated kindly force me to kick her out of my life, send me a note in which she admits that she lies, contend that lying is ‘only human’ and then run off to lie some more.

    There are evil people in this world. When we trick ourselves into believing that ‘everything’ is a pathology we give the evil a pass and this is what narcissists excel at doing. They have perfected the art of tricking us into believing that their lies are pure gold.

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    • Exactly. Putting a label on somebodys’ behavior seems to offer an excuse for who they are, how they act and what they do. I’m kind of sick of labels. You’re right…there are evil people in this world. How unfortunate that we have to be constantly exposed to them. How unfortunate as well (for us) that they still destroy our trust and carry on as if it was no big deal. How I hate having been a “patsy” simply because I had honor and trusted…you know this and I’m sure you feel the same way. I can only hope that someday (and soon) retribution knocks on his door and his worst fear is realized….he’ll end up alone, which is absolute torture to him. I would wish the same for your abuser if loneliness is her anathema.

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      • You are not alone in feeling that way. I have spent years reading books, reading online, and watching videos to try and understand my past. And as you can see, I still am. This video is very helpful with understanding the past and also helpful for being safe in the future. If we don’t know what to look for, everyone becomes frightening. Following our gut instincts is the best protection we have. But we have to learn to listen to our gut instincts. Even with some understanding, we are still left with the pain. And that takes a lot of time to heal or maybe better said, to manage.

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  4. Diagnoses’ can be combined, just so you know. And even if someone doesn’t fit every single symptom that is typical of the disorder, the person can still be diagnosed because there’s a minimum requirement of characteristics that must be met in order for the diagnosis to be given. The DSM is what all mental health professionals use to diagnose. That’s where the criteria comes from. Hope that sorta helps.

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    • I’ll do a little research on that…or broach it with Sam. Thanks. I wonder why the psychiatrist he visited (to get permission to start fucking another woman while we were still married) didn’t see a red flag but instead, gave him permission by telling him “not to worry about his wife..he needed to worry about himself.” That psychiatrist is a narcissists’ dream!

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      • Believe it or not, there are crappy psychiatrists who aren’t as trained as they should be. Shocker, I know. And if they don’t have experience working with personality disorders, they (along with therapists) can be easily manipulated.

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        • He may have been manipulated…Loser said he told him “I absolutely cannot hurt this woman any more than I already have”….that’s when the psychiatrist gave him permission…saying the “don’t worry about her” line. In my minds’ eye…they’re both scumbags.

          Liked by 1 person

      • Also, people with personality disorders are known to live in their own reality an twist words and the intent of them around. So unless you personally heard the psychiatrist tell him not to worry about you and to just worry about himself, chances are that’s not what the psych told him. Just FYI

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  5. Yes but.. how would you go about receiving such an answer? Loser can not give it to you, cause he is with 99.9 % certainty a narcissist (in my eyes). And narcissists simply do lot care about things like offering closure, making a mends, explain themselves etc. So from him I do not think you can get many answers.. (Even if you did, half of it might be lies). The only other way then, is a diagnosis I guess? But that requires him seeking therapy.. not likely. Soo… it is not that you are not worth an answer. It is that he can not give them cause he is an abuser/narc/sociopath/whatever. In understand your frustration though, have wrestled with it myself… I am with the other lady though. We must not focus on the diagnosis, but more on how we can heal ourselves… 😊 Hugs.💜

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  6. I recognize the need for answers. It is hard. Eventually in my case, I had to settle for my truth, that I was narcissistically abused and that I need to heal from that somehow. As for a diagnosis as far as I understand, the narcissist can have traits of sociopath.. they seem to be quite closely related. As for getting a diagnosis almost no narcissist does, so we have to trust our own experience. And I still do not believe Loser treats the other woman well, not in private anyway. Hope you find peace of mind with only having “your own answers” about what happened etc. Hugs.💜

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    • Doesn’t it seem like such a simple request? Just an answer. I believe I do settle for my own truth but I haven’t been able to couple that with the need for answers. I guess the final step for me would be to just accept that there will never be answers to certain questions, but that idea…is…torture…for…me. It makes things incomplete…it makes me incomplete. It makes me feel unworthy of a simple request…an answer.

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  7. This my friend, is called the skein of fuckedupedness at chump lady. Are they a narc? A sociopath? A leprechaun? It doesn’t matter. He’s not your problem anymore. You need to stop trying to figure him out. He has no soul. You have a soul. Keep your focus on you.

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    • LOL. I guess my “head-shrinking” is a good/bad, love/hate thing right now. We start out talking about my children and end up talking about Loser. I guess they really are closely tied together….and what happens? I end up defending ALL of them…BECAUSE I have to make it my fault somehow….BECAUSE that’s the way Loser always made me feel. I fear that someday soon, Sam is going to beat the shit out of me. He knows what a difficult road he has ahead of him but he also understands, I think. His specialty is narcissists and sociopaths so that’s what we talk about. It spills over onto my blogs….because I question if something is wrong with me/us since MY “professional diagnosis” of Loser doesn’t fit. Does that make any sense?

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      • Absolutely it perfectly describes what you’re doing. What matters is you need to stop. It’s awesome you identify your need to protect them and absorb fault – because that’s who you have always been. Now here’s the memo- you aren’t at fault. They pick who they are. Every single one of them. Yep. They’ve been influenced by life. So have you. You could be mean and terrible just like your mom- and yet you’re not. Why? Choice. They have exactly that capacity. And you have to stop absorbing responsibility like you’re some sort of sponge. Your ex especially. He is out of your life. You can talk about your kids, but no contact shouldn’t just mean you don’t talk to him. It also means internal and external boundaries about him. When you find yourself on a train of thought about why or how he did stuff- change what you’re doing. You don’t need to know he isn’t your problem anymore. Think about what you’ll plant in the garden or if you are going to paint any rooms in your house. When. Your kids bring him up, don’t fall for their bait! You have to shut it down. You are divorced for a reason- because you and he don’t care to be in each other’s lives and if they are going to be his creepy spies or plant info for him- tell them no. ‘We don’t talk about [your father. Don’t say loser because you’re stooping to their level] so tell me about how work/fun/grandkids are’ that’s how you get over this. Not by understanding. He’s disordered as fuck. There’s no answer there.

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        • I’m much like an alcoholic, I think. There are “triggers” and those triggers are mountainous. I can hardly even watch television anymore because everything…EVERYTHING triggers an emotional reaction. If it’s about a loving couple, I want to throw something at the television. If it’s about abuse…the same thing. Even the fucking news! I think “how would he handle this story…who would he be sending overseas to cover this?”
          He was all I had ever known for forty-one years. My children are all I have known for almost thirty-nine years. Erasing all of those memories? I’m trying but I’m not being very successful.
          I just don’t see ever having any kind of successful relationship with my two oldest daughters. I think…I KNOW…I resent them for not standing by me…for thinking I was trying to break up that absolute horror of a human being and that bar-hopping WTC…and holding it against me. Why didn’t they hold being a whore-monger and a gold-digging ***** against THEM?
          It’s betrayal. I don’t do well with betrayal. I don’t do well with it at all.

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