I have read many articles and posts about the “no contact” rule when it applies to an abusive narcissist. I obeyed that rule in an email to Loser, which Sam said was the wrong thing to do. “It invites a conversation” he said.
Fortunately for me, there was no conversation. I think were it not for the fact that Loser was nose deep in his WTCs’ (whatever) it might have indeed prompted a conversation or at least a response.
There was nothing else for him to say or wonder about. I didn’t want a response or a reaction. I only wanted it to be understood that there was no room in my life for him, in any capacity, at any time…now or ever.
I remember how many times I told Loser, “when it’s over….it’s going to be over.”
He always said that wasn’t the way he wanted it. I guess he really did think the three of us were going to have some kind of a menage a tois (or as my sister puts it…a manage a twat.) I guess he also couldn’t understand how I could possibly want to cut off all communication with the great Loser…the man who would be king…the man who called himself “God.”
My problem with the no contact rule is that I tend to want it to apply to everybody who has or ever has had anything to do with him…or us. It used to bother me that none of our “friends” ever contacted me after I left him.
Now, I am grateful.
It would be difficult to desert them and that’s what I would have to do but that’s basically what they did when they effectively “chose” him over me, so it is really a non-issue.
In my mind, the no contact rule applies across the board…to include my children. They have a connection to him and it is a connection that I do not want.
I ultimately hear the snide remarks that he makes to them about me and it is just a signal that he still thinks that he has power. I don’t know if he does it to get a rise out of them or if he knows that it will get back to me and hopes that it will set me on fire. He would be wrong. It just proves that he hasn’t changed. He is still the same selfish, abusive narcissist he always was…at least to me.
My middle daughter imposed her own no contact rule almost a year ago, so that is also a non-issue. My oldest daughter placates me and says that she is “hurting too” yet she opens her home and arms to Loser and his WTC (after saying “they aren’t staying here”) and refuses to see me for fear of “crying.”
I do know that my son refused to see “that woman” as he calls her when Loser took the WTC to spend time with my children for the holidays. I believe he did it out of loyalty and I’m also sure he paid a pretty high price, if Loser still uses the same bullying tactics that he always did. He probably reduced J***** once again, to the “worthless piece of shit” he always calls him.
I’m just so afraid that J***** is going to die. I’m also afraid that I would hunt Loser down ! I would have it in my damaged mind that it was he who killed my son because I had once made the egregious statement “I would bet my childrens’ lives that J*** H*** has never cheated on me.”
I have always been terrified, wondering which one of my children would pay for my stupid, irresponsible, naive statement…made because I mistakenly trusted that fucking man above all others.
I have returned or gotten rid of everything Loser ever gave me (minus the things that my son stole.) The things I have left are about ten years worth of emails and the texts he sent me (the last text says “yes, I will” when he was promising to keep secret anything I told him, like letting him know where I was going.) The last email is the one that I have never opened.
Do I rip the band-aid off? Do I check “all” and hit delete?
Would I need those emails for future reference…like maybe when Loser starts complaining that he can’t afford alimony anymore because he is having to pay somebodys’ tuition, and student loans and mortgages and car payments? Beer, pool games and cigarettes aren’t free either so that’s another expense.
Should I keep them to show to my children, should they ever decide to reach out because it might occur to them that maybe “mom” isn’t the bad guy after all? Or should I say…”no. I gave you the chance to see, hear and read the ‘proof’ but you weren’t interested…you chose him and his WTC.”
I never go back and read those emails. I never go back and read the texts. They’re all pretty much lies anyway.
So, do I hit delete and completely wipe him away? Am I going to gasp when I do it? Am I going to be sad when I do it or am I going to feel relief? If I do that, there will be NOTHING left of him. There will be no incidental glance at his name when I am checking my email.
He will be completely erased from everywhere…except my mind but it’s not really him that hangs around. It’s the intense hatred that seems to continue to live rent free in my head. How do I delete that?