Home » A disease-Giving Husband » The Art Of The No Contact Rule

The Art Of The No Contact Rule

I have read many articles and posts about the “no contact” rule when it applies to an abusive narcissist.  I obeyed that rule in an email to Loser, which Sam said was the wrong thing to do.  “It invites a conversation” he said.
Fortunately for me, there was no conversation.  I think were it not for the fact that Loser was nose deep in his WTCs’ (whatever) it might have indeed prompted a conversation or at least a response.
There was nothing else for him to say or wonder about.  I didn’t want a response or a reaction.  I only wanted it to be understood that there was no room in my life for him, in any capacity, at any time…now or ever.
I remember how many times I told Loser, “when it’s over….it’s going to be over.”
He always said that wasn’t the way he wanted it.  I guess he really did think the three of us were going to have some kind of a menage a tois (or as my sister puts it…a manage a twat.)  I guess he also couldn’t understand how I could possibly want to cut off all communication with the great Loser…the man who would be king…the man who called himself “God.”

My problem with the no contact rule is that I tend to want it to apply to everybody who has or ever has had anything to do with him…or us.  It used to bother me that none of our “friends” ever contacted me after I left him.
Now, I am grateful.
It would be difficult to desert them and that’s what I would have to do but that’s basically what they did when they effectively “chose” him over me, so it is really a non-issue.
In my mind, the no contact rule applies across the board…to include my children.  They have a connection to him and it is a connection that I do not want.
I ultimately hear the snide remarks that he makes to them about me and it is just a signal that he still thinks that he has power.  I don’t know if he does it to get a rise out of them or if he knows that it will get back to me and hopes that it will set me on fire.  He would be wrong.  It just proves that he hasn’t changed.  He is still the same selfish, abusive narcissist he always was…at least to me.

My middle daughter imposed her own no contact rule almost a year ago, so that is also a non-issue.  My oldest daughter placates me and says that she is “hurting too” yet she opens her home and arms to Loser and his WTC (after saying “they aren’t staying here”) and refuses to see me for fear of “crying.”

I do know that my son refused to see “that woman” as he calls her when Loser took the WTC to spend time with my children for the holidays.  I believe he did it out of loyalty and I’m also sure he paid a pretty high price, if Loser still uses the same bullying tactics that he always did.  He probably reduced J***** once again, to the “worthless piece of shit” he always calls him.
I’m just so afraid that J***** is going to die.  I’m also afraid that  I  would  hunt  Loser  down !  I would have it in my damaged mind that it was he who killed my son because I had once made the egregious statement “I would bet my childrens’ lives that J*** H*** has never cheated on me.”
I have always been terrified, wondering which one of my children would pay for my stupid, irresponsible, naive statement…made because I mistakenly trusted that fucking man above all others.

I have returned or gotten rid of everything Loser ever gave me (minus the things that my son stole.)  The things I have left are about ten years worth of emails and the texts he sent me (the last text says “yes, I will” when he was promising to keep secret anything I told him, like letting him know where I was going.)  The last email is the one that I have never opened.

Do I rip the band-aid off?  Do I check “all” and hit delete?
Would I need those emails for future reference…like maybe when Loser starts complaining that he can’t afford alimony anymore because he is having to pay somebodys’ tuition, and student loans and mortgages and car payments?  Beer, pool games and cigarettes aren’t free either so that’s another expense.
Should I keep them to show to my children, should they ever decide to reach out because it might occur to them that maybe “mom” isn’t the bad guy after all?  Or should I say…”no. I gave you the chance to see, hear and read the ‘proof’ but you weren’t interested…you chose him and his WTC.”

I never go back and read those emails.  I never go back and read the texts.  They’re all pretty much lies anyway.

So, do I hit delete and completely wipe him away?  Am I going to gasp when I do it?  Am I going to be sad when I do it or am I going to feel relief?  If I do that, there will be NOTHING left of him.  There will be no incidental glance at his name when I am checking my email.
He will be completely erased from everywhere…except my mind but it’s not really him that hangs around.  It’s the intense hatred that seems to continue to live rent free in my head.  How do I delete that?

35 thoughts on “The Art Of The No Contact Rule

  1. Just so I understand- sam was objecting to you sending your ex a letter outlining that you were going no contact, correct? His stance was just that you should stop contacting him entirely, without that first ‘official’ statement ?

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      • Don’t think of it as walking away. In telling Your ex that you’re not contacting him, you’re giving him something to respond to. Your kids have your number. He has A way to contact you. You’re the one initiating the conversation when you tell him that. In sales, there’s a phrase- ‘The first to talk, loses.’ From ever ever more, keep that in mind. You shouldn’t initiate any more conversation with him. Not telling him and never contacting him would also have been ok, but since you have kids it’s no big. But recognize that it’s losing power when you send him anything

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        • I haven’t seen or talked to him since June….but he asks my son about me and makes snide remarks to my youngest daughter. He’s just a pig. I hate to disparage one of Gods’ creatures but…..that’s one of the things that is the hardest for me…he is in contact with my children, so as long as WE are in contact with each other…he will always have a way to be (albeit vicariously) in my life. I told both of my children (who talk to me) that by telling him anything about me, they are giving him comfort…and power. He could not stand the fact that he wasn’t going to know where I was or what I was doing.

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  2. Your post is timely for me because I was just recently looking at the many emails I have from my ex. I didn’t open any of them, but I saw that they still safely sit in their own separate Gmail folder. Some of them are now over five years old. My ex, whom I refer to as “The Revisionist,” is thankfully not toxic like Loser. She does, however, enjoy re-writing the past (hence my nickname for her). While I’m annoyed by this tendency of hers, I thankfully never see any deep venom with her intentions. For now I’ve decided to keep these messages for two reasons: (1) In the event she suddenly *does* become venomous, and (2) a later desire I might someday have to find some meaning in all that transpired between us. Once they’re gone, they’re gone forever, and I’m personally not ready for that to happen just yet. You sound like you’re not sure yourself, so I respectfully suggest hanging on to them till you know for certain. Either way, I do understand how difficult it is.

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      • Yes, I do not think your reactions, or your pain, is anything strange at all. In fact, I find it to be nothing short of a miracle, that you are here, blogging, working through this pain, still alive, considering how much you endured, (that you did not deserve)… I don’t know how I would have lasted through all that… I mean just look at me, I have had far less of these things, and I almost didn’t make it.. I think when I left Narc, I was inches away from going truly “insane…”. I admire you that you have made it this far. Incredible strength! 🙂 Light and love to u.

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          • you will find your way back to life! You are out here, talking to all of us, here in Blogland, making friends.. that means something… at least in my eyes, and I hope in yours, aswell! 🙂 I am also very, very broken, I haven’t told all about that on the blog, but I am.. I am in despair so many days… not just cause of the narcissist, but because of everything, (childless, lost my best friend, dyscfunctional childhood, broken relationships, etc etc etc)… BUT, I think both you and me can find our way back! Make a new life for ourselves 🙂 Hugs!!

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  3. You are right that No Contact with narcissists are the way to heal. But I do understand the wish to perhaps be able to at least have some contact with your children. I do think it is quite hard to make them “choose” between parents.. cause it is not uncommon for children to keep affection for a parent even if they awere abused by said parent. And like samlobos said, it is always the “safer” parent, who can get to taste the outbursts/anger/rejection from the children. This is because they have a deep seated unconscious feeling that the “safe” parent will always be there, somehow. In a way you could rephrase it as “They know they are loved, by you”. That is why they keep fighting to try and win Loser’s love and approval, cause they do not have it…. It is painful, and yes, they are in the wrong for doing this, but they must figure it out themselves. All you coul do, is show them that you’re there for them, and love them. A version of No Contact with them is, you could try talking to them, and explain that you want to have contact with them, but that you do not wish to ever dicuss or hear anything about their father…. If they could respect that, you could perhaps have some sort of relationship? Maybe I’m on thin ice here, sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong… am just thinking out loud, cause I understand how much this must hurt you, the situation about the children…. Hugs!

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    • I have actually thought about trying to have a conversation with them. Asking them to not speak about Loser would be setting up boundaries and I hate boundaries. Then, there would be the comfortableness of maybe wanting me there for the holidays or birthdays and also Loser. Our birthdays are four days apart. I don’t think I’m ready yet. I just don’t want to be screamed at by them because at this point in my life, I would probably say something that I would forever regret.
      Don’t think you’re sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong…it is always welcome advice.
      Hugs.

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      • I understand that this is very hard and a delicate subject, of course. I do not know why you hate boundaries… I know only why I was bad at setting boundaries for my own wellbeing and protection… cause I also had a somewhat dysfunctional childhood.. and that can mess with our ability to put good boundaries up… AS for holidays / birthdays.. my mother and father are sort of “enemies” so we split up those days.. and also.. I am thinking.. maybe if you are afraid it will go to yelling and arguing, with the children, about this topic.. is it possible maybe to write a letter? At least to the one daughter who had put up No Contact for herself (No contact towards Loser, I presume..). Hmm, I am just really sad about this, for your sake. Thats why Im throwing out solutions that may be laughable. At least maybe it shows that I really care 😀 Cause I do! Hugs!

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        • I hated THEIR boundaries. The middle daughter effectively “cut me off” because I mentioned my sons’ name. Two weeks later, they were having lunch…mom, of course wasn’t invited. It’s the double standards that accompany the so-called boundaries that I can’t and won’t tolerate.

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  4. “Sam” is wrong….no contact is the only way to go. Even one word feeds them and who wants to do that….let him starve. Don’t delete anything, just don’t revisit….Now, about children, you are not alone. Mother’s are to blame for every thing, learn to embrace it. Our children can all be selfish, unloving, and a pain the ass…..but we will always love them and hope they see the light. Those sweet little children they now have will turn into teens and young adults…….then their awakening will happen. We of course will be pushing up daisies and unable to LOL……or maybe we will.

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    • I don’t understand why they don’t wake up now…especially the one with two children. She is sometimes overwhelmed and she actually has a husband who is a REAL daddy. I don’t understand why it doesn’t occur to her to wonder “how in the world did mom do it with four children and no help from anybody? She had no husband who helped, no parents, no in-laws, no sisters, no friends…she did it all by herself.” But…she doesn’t. She probably wonders how Loser afforded to pay all the bills. It will always be a mystery to me. 😦

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      • I once had a beautiful Lab. Raised her from 6 weeks old. Went out in the cold, from upstairs bedroom, every night for potty trips. Fed her, walked her, bathed her, and loved her. Took her to the vet and loaded her up in the car to go everywhere with me. Gave her treats, even fixed her ice cream cones. My husband was either at work or playing golf….never spending time with her……BUT.. when he was home she followed him around like a love sick hound. She would sit at his feet with her head on his shoes, didn’t know I was in the room……… Go figure.

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          • You know, talking about your dog, reminded me of something…I’ve never been a dog person. I would never stand for anybody mistreating one and I would feed and care for one if necessary. I’m at a friends’ house now and she has two dogs. Her dogs gravitate to me and want to sit in my lap. I always heard that animals can tell if you don’t like them, therefore they try to “win you over.” Like children maybe?

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  5. I think it’s easier for children to turn on the one they know will always be there. You are safe to be mad at, ignored, etc. it doesn’t feel good but I believe that truth wins out. Eventually they will come to a point where they will stop trying to search for the dad they want and need and see him for who he really is. That’s when they will return and appreciate and understand you. It’s a process and they will have to go through their own enlightenment and grief process over the dad they want him to be but isn’t. You just keep taking care of you and find a way to purge the anger and hatred in a healthy way. ❤️

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    • I have heard from my counselors that children strike out at the parent…just like you say…who they know was always there and will always be there…but it doesn’t help. It just makes me feel valueless….the same way Loser always made me feel.

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      • I understand and I’m sorry. Of course it feels awful and painful. It’s just to remind you that it’s nothing you have done that caused it. And you may already know and believe that. I hope they come to their senses soon.

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        • They’ll probably come to their senses…after I die. Then there will be all the fake mourning and tears…and it will be too late. That’s the way it always happens. I raised these children, virtually on my own and they don’t seem to remember that. How they can love a man who ignored them, yelled at them, slapped them, called them names and all but considers their professions as worthless….is beyond me.

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  6. I get the resentment and the ill feelings toward Loser. I get the cutting people out of your life. Now you must know you are giving him (Loser) power with this anger. And thinking about him. Your children will hopefully see him for the narcissist pig that he is. I hope the karma bus catches up to him in this life. But you must try to move on without all this held up ill that is only toxic. I’m sorry your daughter took his side; and one day she will regret that.
    As for the evidence if you’ll need it in the future keep it in a separate folder. It’s not like you are reading it everyday. Just be cautious about that, you know he is capable of any lie and low blows so I’d keep it just in case.
    You deserve to be happy so don’t let the ghost of that man keep putting you down.
    Hugs.

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    • The ironic thing is….all four of my children have said “dad is a piece of shit” but somehow, they can desert me but not him.
      I have thought before “I’m not going to let Loser take my children from me but they don’t want to have anything to do with me…so how can I do that? They want the “old mom” back and they can’t understand that she is gone. Sigh.

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