I had to go out today. It was time to get a can of black-eyed peas and some greens for New Years’ Day. It’s a tradition and I’m not sure if it’s Southern or common everywhere. The peas represent coins and the greens represent dollars. Can’t find those in Boost.
It was good to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. I was walking to my car and I thought, this is great….I can’t wait to get back home. For some reason, I felt like my batteries were running down and I needed to make haste.
My home is where I spend most of my time…alone and protected. When I got home, I turned on the radio and “As Tears Go By” was playing. I have never been a true Rolling Stones fan (as Loser and two of my daughters are) but I liked some of their songs.
I did go to one of their concerts once but gave up my seat to a Dane, so he and Loser would have a good view. I ended up behind a concrete post and the view was completely blocked. Oh, well. I was being the good wife.
I chose that song for E* and I to dance to at his and K****s’ wedding. I don’t know why. I guess it was prophetic.
When I venture out, it’s almost like I’m in overdrive. I want to get whatever it is that needs to be done…done and get the Hell out of there.
There is such comfort in being in my house. Nobody can see me and I can’t see anybody unless I look out the windows, which usually have the blinds closed.
I’m familiar enough to be able to walk around my house in the dark. One of my neighbors commented once that my house was always so dark. It is and I prefer it that way. There are no lights on when I’m watching television. There’s no need. Isn’t the television a light? There are no “night lights” or lamps on anywhere.
When it was the height of summer, I only turned on my air conditioner three times. Maybe because I’m so thin, I don’t feel the heat like most people do but there’s a gnawing resistance that I can feel.
I will find myself shivering before it occurs to me to turn on the heat. When I lived in A********, for months it rarely got out of the thirties but I kept the thermostat on fifty-five. I didn’t want Loser to have to pay a big heating bill. I lived in one room with some quilts hung over the doors and the rest wrapped around me.
When we lived in one of the hottest places in the country, Loser would never let me turn on the air conditioner in the car. I never could understand that. We had four children in the back of the van, roasting but he didn’t care. Now that he’s old, he will actually run the air in his car.
Maybe all those years of living with him had such an impact that I can’t break free of what I was so accustomed to.
After I left him and was planning a trip to see my children, I was almost beside myself when I thought “wow. I can actually stop and pee any time I want to now.” He used to punish me by not stopping to let me pee and it may have very well damaged my kidneys. I was also thinking, “I can run the air conditioner in my car any time I want to.”
I will say that it took me years to overcome all of his rules and some of them are still so ingrained in my psyche that I have to fight to get rid of them.
I don’t know why I have grown so accustomed to being a hermit but I clearly have. The other day, I was checking my mail and my neighbor pulled up in her car and started chatting. I found myself backing up slowly, with my door in sight. I wanted to get back in my house…and I like this neighbor.
I don’t want to physically touch the world, I guess. I blog and isn’t that subtlety touching the world… and isn’t that good enough?