Home » A Wasted Life » Black Eyed Peas And Greens

Black Eyed Peas And Greens

I had to go out today.  It was time to get a can of black-eyed peas and some greens for New Years’ Day.  It’s a tradition and I’m not sure if it’s Southern or common everywhere.  The peas represent coins and the greens represent dollars.  Can’t find those in Boost.
It was good to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.  I was walking to my car and I thought, this is great….I can’t wait to get back home.  For some reason, I felt like my batteries were running down and I needed to make haste.

My home is where I spend most of my time…alone and protected.  When I got home, I turned on the radio and “As Tears Go By” was playing.  I have never been a true Rolling Stones fan (as Loser and two of my daughters are) but I liked some of their songs.
I did go to one of their concerts once but gave up my seat to a Dane, so he and Loser would have a good view.  I ended up behind a concrete post and the view was completely blocked.  Oh, well.  I was being the good wife.
I chose that song for E* and I to dance to at his and K****s’ wedding.  I don’t know why.  I guess it was prophetic.

When I venture out, it’s almost like I’m in overdrive.  I want to get whatever it is that needs to be done…done and get the Hell out of there.
There is such comfort in being in my house.  Nobody can see me and I can’t see anybody unless I look out the windows, which usually have the blinds closed.
I’m familiar enough to be able to walk around my house in the dark.  One of my neighbors commented once that my house was always so dark.  It is and I prefer it that way.  There are no lights on when I’m watching television.  There’s no need.  Isn’t the television a light?  There are no “night lights” or lamps on anywhere.

When it was the height of summer, I only turned on my air conditioner three times.  Maybe because I’m so thin, I don’t feel the heat like most people do but there’s a gnawing resistance that I can feel.
I will find myself shivering before it occurs to me to turn on the heat.  When I lived in A********, for months it rarely got out of the thirties but I kept the thermostat on fifty-five.  I didn’t want Loser to have to pay a big heating bill.  I lived in one room with some quilts hung over the doors and the rest wrapped around me.

When we lived in one of the hottest places in the country, Loser would never let me turn on the air conditioner in the car.  I never could understand that.  We had four children in the back of the van, roasting but he didn’t care.  Now that he’s old, he will actually run the air in his car.
Maybe all those years of living with him had such an impact that I can’t break free of what I was so accustomed to.
After I left him and was planning a trip to see my children, I was almost beside myself when I thought “wow.  I can actually stop and pee any time I want to now.”  He used to punish me by not stopping to let me pee and it may have very well damaged my kidneys.  I was also thinking, “I can run the air conditioner in my car any time I want to.”
I will say that it took me years to overcome all of his rules and some of them are still so ingrained in my psyche that I have to fight to get rid of them.

I don’t know why I have grown so accustomed to being a hermit but I clearly have.  The other day, I was checking my mail and my neighbor pulled up in her car and started chatting.  I found myself backing up slowly, with my door in sight.  I wanted to get back in my house…and I like this neighbor.

I don’t want to physically touch the world, I guess.  I blog and isn’t that subtlety touching the world… and isn’t that good enough?

9 thoughts on “Black Eyed Peas And Greens

  1. Know where you’re coming from……got every thing for my Hoppin Johns, no way would I enter the new year without that, plus corn bread. People who don’t travel this path have no idea what a chance they’re taking by passing up this NYD feast……Sleep well talented Lady.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Doesn’t need to be reading- libraries always have stuff that needs doing- fixing and re shelving, helping kids look up stuff, I’m just thinking of safe spaces with volunteer options. The YMCA, the food bank, an elderly drop in centre. All these places could always use some willing hands and get you out into the community.


      • I get what you’re saying, I’m pushy sometimes but I say it all with love. Sorry, never ever think I’m telling you or bossing you or bullying. I’m always just about options.

        I love / hate fabric stores. I love sewing and buy fabric whenever I am there. Then I don’t do anything with it because I have no time.

        Ho Hub told me he wants to buy me a new sewing machine this week and I just don’t want it. It would be the worst machine ever. Full of his guilt and bad juju because I just want to sew the shit out of the Ho- faces. It would probably always be too tight in the tension. It would always have the thread going where it shouldn’t. It would hold the demons of my marriage and never sew true.

        All I want is him to get a job so I can do get him to leave. I don’t need more fucking stuff.


        • I don’t think you’re being pushy at all. I know it’s just suggestions and I can be quite difficult with my thoughts. If you don’t want a sewing machine, don’t let him bully you into getting it. I agree about the bad juju. I have gotten rid of virtually everything having to do with or that reminds me of Loser. He didn’t buy me but one of my machines and I know I will never use it again…nor any of the others either, I’m afraid. I know one thing…his asking me to make him one last quilt was the ultimate narcissist showing. What a dick!
          Here’s hoping he gets a job soon so you can be free of him.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Isolation and solitude I think are tools for victims of abuse, to protect themselves. Although I was abused for a much shorter period than you, I still feel the need to hide from the world.. for now. But strangely enough, I have some small yearning inside, to get out more, meet new people, enjoy life more. But I can not force it. It will take the time it takes, I guess…

    In your case I am not surprised if you shield yourself for a very long time… after all you went through. Blogging is enough as long as you feel that it is enough.. maybe one day you feel differently and want to interact more with the world. Hugs! 💖

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Nope! Get out there a little more every day. Embrace the freedom you fought so hard to gain! You living in your house is still a cage built by loser when you allow yourself to only feel safe inside it. go a but further every week, on a walk around your neighbourhood, make yourself chat nice with your neighbours- they are those potential support people you may find awesome if you give them a chance. Offer to volunteer at the local public school in the library putting books away or doing marking for some overworked teachers. Great way to meet some nice moms, some women who may benefit from your bullshit detector instincts! I love you very much and your blog is top stars. But you need to also have outside time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • UGH! Going to a school would be unbearable for me…especially dealing with books. There has to be a reason that I hate the idea of books so much. Maybe I was a book in a previous life and got burned or something. LOL I’m still waiting to see if I was accepted as a GAL. I guess it’s a long process. It’s kind like the olden days…they write references and then have to wait for a response. That would take a tremendous amount of dedication on my part and would also require me to get out more. I would venture out for that!

      Liked by 1 person

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