Home » A disease-Giving Husband » A Great Song

A Great Song

I heard a song the other night called “This Is My Fight Song.”  How wonderful it would be if all the wounded, depressed, and forgotten people could embrace that song for the new year.
“This is my fight song…take back my life song…prove I’m alright song.”  Those lyrics could be the stimulus for standing up, flexing your muscles and letting out with a mighty roar.
They are such powerful words but I find they are only inspirational to me for the length of time it takes to type them.

I think there comes a time when it becomes obvious that there is no fight left.  There are things that are never going to be reconciled.  When that is a realization, there is a comfort in the surrender.  There is that familiar phrase..”accept the things I cannot change” but who does that really work for?
I have thought about trying to have a chat with my son about acceptance.  I have thought about trying to get him to understand and accept that he is never going to mean anything to Loser…that to Loser, he is always going to be just “a worthless piece of shit.”
My son has no fight in him.  He never has.  He’s still very much a little boy when it comes to needing the nurturing of the parent who was never there for him and never will be.
I think if my son could ever grasp that concept, he might be able to travel down a different road.  Nobody else in his life understands what it’s like to crave somebodys’ love and attention and spend your entire life being denied and disappointed more than I do.
If J***** could just see past the placation that Loser employs (for the sake of his WTC) maybe he could gather enough strength to look at Loser and say to him what Loser loves to say to everybody else…..”FUCK YOU.”
That song will not work for J*****.  How can he take back a life he was never able to live because he was waiting for a daddy to act like he gave a shit?  He can’t.
J***** will never accept the obvious.  He still has hope and he will eventually starve to death on that hope.

There is no fight left in me.  There is no acceptance.  There will always be the gnawing unanswered questions I have struggled for years, trying to understand.  How can all of my children can accept the treatment they have received from Loser and still welcome him into their lives?  How can they ignore the names he has called them?  How can they dismiss the way he treated them?  How can they so readily accept what he did to me?  How can they blame me for leaving after the way he treated me?  How can they be mad at me for not allowing Loser to bring that WTC to my house and think he was going to sleep with her in my bed?
How can they close their eyes to the fact that Loser destroyed our family, found a bar-hopping WTC and cheerfully moved on, while thinking he could still have me in his life?
How can I take back a life that was completely destroyed by lies, deceit, disease and neglect?  I can’t.

“This is my fight song” is a great song.  It’s just not great for me or my son.

 

14 thoughts on “A Great Song

  1. I think you need to deal with your toes to loser before your kids will see you for you. Your conversation on this site seems to tie them having a relationship with you to accepting that their dad is terrible and cutting ties with him. If this is about them, then it’s about them. If you want a relationship with them, you have to stop making it a war to win over ‘loser’. They’re your kids. And grown they may be, that actually means they can choose- to love you both, to ignore the obvious terror he is, to put up with it. You need to stop making your relationship seem conditional on allowing you to call him loser and make him the centre of your world which he obviously still is. Don’t contact them until you can call them up and say ‘I miss you, let’s go for coffee’ and not bring up or think of him. Because you are so stuck in hate and pain, it’s just a cycle. You’re stuck on this Kerry go round of how much he ruined things. Oh my god. Get off the ride and pick where you want to go next. The only person deciding there is no fight left is you. you are controlling yourself in a way that you slowly are starving yourself to death, because you have had no control over your life for so long that you think this is how you will show them all. Winnowed away until you really show them by dying from starvation and the hate you hold. It won’t hurt him, he’s done. It will hurt them, but not the way you think. It will drive them further into him. You have to figure out how to be you without being defined by him or lack of him. Whatever that is, you have to do. It’s your choice. You can do it, you should do it, you’re not physically around him but his power over you is so obvious and so very much there because you let it be…. I’m not sad for you. I’m mad for you. Here. Have some of my fight. You can borrow some I don’t need it all right now. Get him out of your head and out of your interactions with everyone. Your children may want a relationship with you once you actually know who you are. Right now you’re still just his angry puppet

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    • There is validity in every single statement you make. My view is that he can make statements like “if they don’t want to see my WTC, then they’re not going to see their daddy.” That’s perfectly acceptable, right? FOR HIM…but not for me. He’s allowed to make snide remarks about me when he and his WTC are visiting and it’s acceptable, right? He’s allowed to ask them questions about where and how I am, and that’s acceptable, right? I’m not allowed to do any of those things. Do you see where I’m going with this? There are and have always been double standards and I am sick of them. He demands and receives respect and loyalty and he is the last person who deserves it.
      I can’t help that I’m so thin. I have never been very big but stress can be very harmful. Losing an entire family is very stressful. And….I will take some of your fight…but I’d probably want to keep it, not just borrow it. LOL
      The further they are driven into him, the worse it will be for them but, they don’t see it. They only have to see him once or twice a year.

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      • It’s not about what’s fair for them with him and wtc. That whole pile of shit isn’t yours anymore. His demands and their adherence to them… Doesn’t have anything to do with you.

        You want to see your kids, talk to your kids? Then tell them you want to see them. Loser and wtc get left at the door- for everyone. You can’t and shouldn’t talk about that. They bring it up? Shut it down. End. Of. Story.

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        • I don’t talk about it. I don’t talk to them at all. I use my blog for venting…and to tell the story of what has happened in my life. Breaks happen…and sometimes they are painful. I can’t worry about my children essentially throwing me to the wolves anymore. They’re full grown adults and capable of making their own decisions. They have made them and it’s okay. You and several others are right. It’s time for me to move on no matter how painful it is. You can’t make somebody treat you like you matter…unless of course, you’re Loser and that WTC…and I’m not. Hell…I couldn’t make my own mama love me so what’s new? When the final decision is made, I will have made it and I will be prepared to live with it.

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          • Sorry if I misunderstand it just seems like many of your conversations around them circle back to him. I think the only way you and they will move forward is to really never cover him. It may be a weird gap in your world, a bridge you will build over that part of your relationship, because he will always be there- in all memories and what not… I hope you get what you need. And yes you can keep my fight, not to worry I have lots!

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  2. Laurel…when I left my ex, and filed for divorce, my son was living with him. My ex bought them both new cell phones and they refused to give me the numbers. They shut off the ringers on the house phones. I had no way to reach my son, and no court order for time to spend with him. All I could do was to go over to my old house, bang on the door and beg my son to come out and just give me a hug. I was usually sobbing. I knew my ex was certifiable, and that my son was in danger with him, yet I could do nothing about it. I had to walk this path away from my ex to at least offer my son the opportunity to experience something different than the emotional, verbal and as I found out later, physically abusive household. It was scary…

    But what I did, was just make sure mt son knew that no matter what he did to me, no matter what he threw at me, I was still standing, I still loved him, my arms were open. That’s all I could do for him, was make sure he knew that. And eventually, he walked to my open arms, away from his crazy father and that crazy life. Under his own power, by his own decision.

    So, I know I was lucky, but the point was, is, that you have to keep loving them,and make sure they know it, make sure they know you are there for them. They do learn from their abusive fathers. They can also learn from us though. My son was not a child, he was 16 when he walked away. The experience of your kids may be different, but I believe with all my heart that if kids know we love them, without limit, they will eventually go to the light, like every other living thing. They need to see it shining in you, and they will want it too.

    I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. And still go through. I took my life back, and forgave, and continued to show my son I loved him, because anything else continued to give my ex power over me, and I was done with that. I hope you can find your own light and let it shine on your kids. It’s not easy, but it’s easier than giving up on them.

    Big hugs…..

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    • What a horrible experience for you. I am so sorry. My children are all grown…all in their thirties. They don’t seem to understand the impact that all of this has had on me and I’m not sure they really even care. I do believe that this is killing me, though and I have to do something about that. I will never be in a position to have to not only deal with but see Loser and that WTC, which means they win. That’s all they’re interested in anyway….making sure that I’m out of the picture and they have the warmth of my childrens’ arms. So be it. They sure haven’t done anything to try to reach out to me….but they reach out to Loser and his WTC. So sad…but I’m so glad your son returned to you. That brings me great joy as I’m sure it does to you. Hugs.

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  3. People can only take from you what you allow them to take. Inner strengths can be nourished and brought back to life…… You see the light that all of your children will someday see. Denial is a powerful thing and people wear it as a shield in order to feel loved by someone…….There is nothing sadder than a child willing to accept abuse in order to feel love and acceptance from a parent. Though you may not feel it at times talented Lady, you are a strong woman who in the end will prevail…….Think I see a rainbow over your right shoulder.

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    • Ah…the power of wonderful people like you.If I could only see it. Maybe it’s time to give the ole’ Pearl another shot.I think the only way I can get through the agony is to cut my children off for good. Harsh, but they have made no attempt to repair anything (they learned so well from Loser)…why should I? They’re basically gone….over to the dark side of “Loser and WTCville.” LOL

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