Home » A Wasted Life » Today Is Christmas…But For Me, It’s Just Another Day

Today Is Christmas…But For Me, It’s Just Another Day

Today is Christmas.  It’s the day that I spent almost my entire life anxiously waiting for.  It was always such a magical day for me and I looked forward to it with unbridled eagerness.
In the past, there had been lean ones and there had been bountiful ones.  There had been joyful ones and there had been sorrowful ones.  There had been ones that were gleefully anticipated and there had been ones that were woefully dreaded.  There had been passionate ones and there had been emotionless ones.
Today, though…is just another day.

There will never be another Christmas when I am awakened by my four children standing at the bedroom door, shouting “Merry Christmas.”  There will never be another Christmas when Loser and I will have our first cup of coffee in the set of over-sized Royal Daulton china cups, that were reserved for that holiday only.

This year, I am alone.  It’s not the first Christmas that I have spent alone and I don’t imagine that it will be the last.
Today, though…is just another day.

There will be no stockings filled with chocolate covered marshmallow Santa Clauses and other tooth-rotting, blood-sugar-raising candy.  There will be no family gatherings.  There will be no feast.  There will be no visits from friends.  There will be no visits from children or grandchildren.
Today…is just another day.

There will be no “A Christmas Story” marathon playing on the television.  There will be no hugs and thank-yous’, whether genuine or insincere.  There will be no afterglow while sitting around, ogling the slew of presents.  There will be no decision on who gathers up the rumpled and torn wrapping paper and throws it away.
I will be wearing no new baubles, whether given from guilt or obligation.  There will be no specialty quilts given to anybody.
Today…is just another day.

There will be no disingenuous, hurried goodbye kiss from Loser as he leaves me to go play golf or travel across town to spend the rest of the day with his precious fucking mama and daddy.  There will be no impatient waiting until “It’s A Wonderful Life” comes on later.
I will not proudly display the pillow that I embroidered with the saying “the bell still rings for me” because it no longer rings for me.  I will not be covered up with the Christmas quilt that K**** made.
I will not have crept into the living room after everybody else had gone to sleep, to sit and watch the lights on the tree as if to try to burn it into my memory long enough for it to last until the next year.  I will not have imagined that I could hear the bells on Santas’ sleigh.
Today…is just another day.

There will be no hand-holding with Loser tonight as we quiz each other about the pleasure our gifts brought to each other.  There will be no conjecture about whether the children liked their gifts and got everything they wanted.

This year, there will be no empty “Merry Christmas” text or phone call from Loser.  There will be no texts or calls from my children.  There will be no refusal to visit or bring children to my house “because I didn’t bother to decorate.”
Today…is just another day.

There will be no need to worry about putting large boxes that housed giant flat-screen televisions on the curb for fear somebody will break into the house.  There will be no spending days and days, disassembling huge trees and carefully packing up treasured ornaments all by myself as I had always had to do before.  There will be no need to feel nostalgic when putting away pictures of grandchildrens’ first encounter with Santa Clause.  There will be no searching for delinquent strands of tinsel that have flown away and found what they think is a safe hiding place.
Today…is just another day.

There will be no left-over Christmas cookies or fruitcake or pot roast.  There will be no frantic hunt for all of those wonderful after Christmas sales.  There will be no “seasonal depression” that always afflicted me for the first few weeks after Christmas.

Today is Christmas…but for me, it’s just another day.

 

14 thoughts on “Today Is Christmas…But For Me, It’s Just Another Day

  1. I’m sorry your Christmas came screeching to a halt. It sounds kind of violent. Unless you really like having “Just another day” Christmases, it might be a good idea to start brainstorming now, so that next year might not be such a bummer.

    Only you can dream up an alternative to being alone and empty, the ghost of Christmases past lurking in undecorated corners.

    I can’t imagine the pain of having had such wonderful times that you describe so beautifully, only to have them go **poof**, gone.

    It’s really hard to have Christmas all by yourself. There are alternatives, like volunteering at nursing homes and soup kitchens, which is what I did when I got divorced and my son went to his father for the holidays. After a while the whole thing wore off, and all the handmade decorations are in a trunk singer in my storage building. I think of it were really important to me, I’d find some other misfits to celebrate with. But at this point, it’s just another day. Sending hugs….

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    • Somebody told me that if I didn’t decorate that first year after I found out about Loser, I never would again…and I didn’t for several years. Now, I know that I never will. The desire is gone and I’m sure deep down, I resent it. I hate Loser for it.
      I did go to a church and serve the homeless. It wasn’t as rewarding as handing out my quilts. I could have decorated “for myself” like some people said but I think that would have been even harder on me…knowing that last year, my daughter wouldn’t come over and bring her children because I didn’t decorate..so why decorate for no company? I don’t think it bothers me…either that or I am successfully kidding myself about one more thing.
      Hugs back.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Wait…your daughter wouldn’t bring her kids over because you didn’t decorate? I have trouble grokking that one, maybe because I’m Jewish and the whole thing is not in my family tradition, but…isn’t that kind of extreme?

        Don’t let Loser steal your Christmas. He’s stolen enough from you. I have confidence in you. Figure out a way to get your grandkids over, or go to their house (and if your daughter is hostile, I don’t know what to say…I don’t understand human relationships at all). It just breaks my heart that you use to make quilts for your family…

        Really I think we should have all our single bloggie women friends get together and have a holly bloggie Christmas, get jolly on whatever intoxicant(s) suit us best (or not, if that’s best), rock around the Christmas tree, do creative stockings (I liked the stocking part best, used to make new ones every year, loved finding cool stuffers), eat roasted beast with Yorkshire Pudding, and generally have a wild time. Fuck the ex’s, the angry children, the unfortunate grandchildren, the judgemental extended family, the polarized friends…Fuck em all, we can have Christmas without em. It won’t be the same, but nothing is the same anyway. We have to reinvent ourselves. Anger and isolation are soul-killers.

        Thoughts?

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        • The first thing that popped into my head was….Yorkshire Pudding? I LOVE YORKSHIRE PUDDING! I used to make it but Loser didn’t like it because he thought it was “too bready.” Getting together sounds like fun! And yes, my daughter did refuse to bring her children over because I didn’t decorate. Sigh.
          Can you email me privately? I am not far from you and I will come get you and take you where you need to go.

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  2. So. It’s today. The day when so many have joy, just being another day can be full of pain. Today is… A day of fake for me. I’m currently at my in laws, making food, making nice…. I managed to get back in the good graces of my husband and make it seem like our marriage is seamless and secure…. after a blow out of epic proportion because I didn’t make him feel like I really enjoyed Star Wars…. I need him to think it’s all good, while I plan. I feel like a preying mantis. I feel like I am the manipulative asshole, when really I don’t know another way to protect myself. I look forward to days of just another day because this faking is rotting my core.

    I wanted to stop by your blog to say hello. Say merry Christmas. Say I love you and hope that you allow yourself some new fun. What about a new tradition or new movie, for yourself? Might I recommend the first wives club? Or elizabethtown. Sliding doors. All three of those are amazing. Just like you.

    Have a blessed day. You are beautiful.

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    • Thank you for the good wishes. I will say this…feeling like a praying mantis or a manipulative asshole is okay. I felt like a spider but then I remembered all the things Loser had done. I wonder how he felt when he found out that he had Herpes and decided to give it to me? Do you think he had one ounce of guilt…or was it as usual…all about him? He could have cared less.
      I may find a good movie to watch. It’s being a little harder on me than I thought…even worse than last year. I’ll survive, though.
      Muddle through and those “just another days” will come. Hugs.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thanks for the encouragement. I totally know what you’re talking about. During the fight and while talking through so that he thought I was giving in/taking the blame/admitting I am terrible for causing such a fuss… I truly got all spinned around in his psycho mind fuck. Im terrible, Im the one who had to point out when he had asked me three times if I liked the movie that he had already asked, instead of seeing it as him being engaged… (When really looking at it now that I’m not being smushed into the back of my soul- how engaged are you really when you ask someone the same question three times? Isn’t that more a sign that it’s for you, you’re not actually giving two flying fucks about my answer? You help me keep that balance. Spiders and mantis’s… I can deal with that.) I’m sorry it’s a rough time of year. But I am happy you are safe. Know that you’re in my thoughts.

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        • When they have to ask you the same question three times, I have found that it is for one of two reasons. They’re so drunk they can’t think straight or they could care less about your answer and are trying to play the part of “caring spouse.” Who knows what their tiny little mind is on….another woman…..themselves? It’s obvious that it isn’t on you. Yeah, ole’ Mammys’ statement to Scarlett….”and you…sitting there just like a spider.” I make no apologies for setting a trap.
          You are in my thoughts as well. I hope you can try to have a good night.

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