Home » A Wasted Life » Is It A Wonderful Life?

Is It A Wonderful Life?

It’s A Wonderful Life was always my favorite Christmas movie.  I loved the concept.  I loved that George Bailey was such a selfless, good-hearted man.  I loved that Mary realized her childhood dream of marrying the boy she had loved for so many years.  I adored Clarence and always wished that he would visit me.

I decided to be introspective and imagine what it would be like if I “had never been born.”

Here’s the way I see it.

My mama and daddy would have only had four children.  My little brother would have lived.  My mama might have had a happier life.  She and my daddy might have been the perfect couple.  Mama wouldn’t have been stricken with such immeasurable grief that it changed her life.
There wouldn’t have been so much strife and sorrow in their lives.  My mama might have been the best mama who ever lived.  My daddy might have been the best daddy who ever lived.
Circumstances might have dictated that one “if” could have occurred that kept my other brother from being at the school on that particular day and that particular time and he might have escaped his sentence of life-long seizures.
My family might have been loving and giving.

If I hadn’t been born, I would have never been beaten or abused or called names.  A few paintings would have never been painted and a few pictures would have never been drawn.  A little Robin would have died long before my little sister strangled it.  A little mouse would have stayed frozen to death.
Doctors and emergency rooms would have made a little less money because I wouldn’t have broken my leg so many times.  Nobody at my school would have had perfect attendance.  Somebody else would have won all the spelling bees.
The little old lady at the mall might have fallen down the escalator because I wouldn’t have been there to carry her packages.  My grandma and grandpa would have saved the money it cost to buy a gallon of milk and a green pepper for my birthday.

I would have never met Loser.  I would have never had to endure his mistreatment and abusive manner.  I would have never been chastised for not going to college and not being a “court-holding queen.”  I wouldn’t have been ignored for almost forty-one years.  I wouldn’t have an incurable sexually transmitted disease, given to me by the one person I trusted above all others.
If I hadn’t been born and met Loser, he might have gone to Europe and bummed around until he gained enough emotional maturity to actually have a relationship that revolved around somebody besides himself.  He might have met somebody who was his equal and if they had children, he might have been proud of them.  He might not have destroyed so many lives.

I would have not met his atrocious mama.  I would have never had to endure her drunken rampages and awful criticisms.  I would not be filled with hatred toward her.

If I had never been born, I would have never had my children and what a loss that would be.
But, maybe they would have been born to another mama who wasn’t so damaged that she couldn’t even tell them she loved them.  Maybe they would have been born to another daddy who actually valued them not only as human beings but as his precious, lineage carrying offspring.

If I had never been born, I wouldn’t be beaten down and broken.  I could have avoided a sad life but in reality, I was born and I was put here for some reason.  What that reason was or is, remains to be seen.
I am just an ordinary person.  I have never done anything remarkable.  Nobody will remember me for any life-changing invention.  My name will not appear in any books or on any artwork.  My name is on a few quilts but they are not on display in any museum or public venue.  I’ve never changed anybodys’ life.

If I had never been born, so what?

18 thoughts on “Is It A Wonderful Life?

  1. You are changing my life. So there’s that. I have spent the past 2 days reading your blog and am at this post as of today and I want to thank you for sharing your story so openly. I struggle at times with what my purpose on earth is and, like you, have been through many traumatic childhood experiences as well as adult traumas. I am considering writing a blog about my story as well and your blog is encouraging me to do just that. So you are making a difference. Please know that. I can tell the story from the OW’s side – although I did NOT know my lover was married…..for 6 months! I was appalled and heartbroken when I found out that he was indeed married after spending 6 months with him. How did I find out? His wife called me on my mobile phone that she had found through his phone records. Long story – worthy of a blog or book – but in the end he ended up with neither his wife nor his “mistress”. Anyway – thank you again for sharing your story so openly with your readers. You truly are making a difference and I am sincerely appreciative of your efforts. Like I said, it is encouraging me to share my story. I am sorry for all that you have gone through. Hugs from Charleston.

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    • Thank you for your kind words and for reading my blog. We all talk about the “OW” and each of us have our own monikers that we use for them. I recently posted about watching The Perfect Husband. It was about Scott Peterson, who was having an affair with Amber Frey and decided to kill his pregnant wife. I never once thought of Amber as a tramp. She had no idea that Scott was married. It’s the women who KNOW these men are married and still pursue them…..openly, that I have a problem with. I have called Losers’ other women “tramps” and other things. That’s because not only did they know that Loser was married….they knew me…and it made no difference to them…..or to him.
      If I have inspired you to write a blog, then I am honored. I will read it. I follow a blog, written by a man who cheated on his wife. It’s difficult to read sometimes but it’s from his perspective. At least he admits fault and doesn’t blame her, as so many men do.
      I see that you are in Charleston? I lived there as well. It brings back so many memories….bad ones. That’s where everything fell apart for good.
      I would encourage you to write a blog and please let me know so that I can follow you.

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  2. Sorry- the truth comment on your momma. She chose how to respond.she chose to be miserable. It’s a choice. It was hers and she decided to ball up her heaping pile of guilt and anger and take it out on an innocent child. My friend Penelope spent her days cherishing the children who remained because she had learned point blank that stupid shit takes people you love from you. She thought two brothers could care for each other, and it turned out one wasn’t watching the other and horrific stuff happened. One tried to get his hat back. That sucks. It sucks. But she didn’t turn against her other kids for not stopping it. She dove into them. She loved them all the more. I’m sure it was hard. Every grief has some anger and blame and bargaining. But your momma dug into the idea of placing it all on you forever and you really need to look at that as her choice. If you were born, to another momma, maybe you would love yourself enough to see that she set you up for pain. She taught you that if you weren’t being hurt, you weren’t caring hard Enough, and that hurt from other people is the only emotion you should pay attention to. She is the one who robbed you of being able to recognize those grandparents for the Angels they were, by taking away your understanding of what love looked like: that set you up to seek out someone who causes you pain since then you could work really hard to get them to love you. Which is so backwards and soooo her fault. And you have finally gotten away from him, but you still carry the pain like a badge. It’s time to put it down and learn to love for love. Not love to validate someone enough that they stop beating you, emotionally, physically, whatever. You deserve so much more.

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    • You know, I don’t know which was worse. My mama ruined a child. A child who didn’t have the maturity to understand what the mistreatment was about. While I was allowing Loser to abuse and mistreat me, I was an adult. I should have had the maturity to understand that what we had wasn’t a real marriage. It was just a continuation of my young life and I should have had enough intestinal fortitude to stand up and tell him that he wasn’t allowed to treat me like I was less than garbage…and his children. They were victims as well. I should have dropped him while he was screaming at them and reducing them to less than human. He has hit his friends (who were just as tall and big as he) and they did nothing. Why and how does this excuse for a man get away with that? He always wins.

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      • Again you’re taking blame that isn’t yours. Loser is responsible for his awful treatment. You were not ready to understand that because of the abuse you suffered by your mother. You got a double dose of awful. I know you don’t trust anyone, and I totally see why, but when I say that, it’s not for me. It’s for you. People don’t deserve abuse. Period. Agree or disagree? (Yes yes, losers the exception, whatever. I mean normal people. Children. Wives who work hard.) agree? Right. So guess what? You’re a person. You didn’t deserve abuse. Even prisoners get standards of care. You didn’t. The reason you put up with so much? Because your abuse stated so young. None of this is on your plate. Put the disorder where it belongs. On loser and whackadoo mommas plate.

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  3. I’m gonna rely on some old school wording I have heard. “Truth will out” … Your momma was looking for a punching bag. She may have been worse and focused on you, but something tells me she was just misery personified. She looked for a reason to let it out. I know people who have lost children to all sorts of terrible things. Illness, accidents (even ones where siblings should have known better, like when my friend Penelope’s sons decided to wash the dog while living in India and one went to watch tv and the other tied the dog to an air conditioner and the water electrocuted him and the dog. She had one more son who was younger and he also drowned in a river trying to save his hat). Peoples actions on the outside are reflections of who they are inside. So many say they are nice they are humble they believe in honesty and integrity and their life is full of poison. If you hadn’t been born, you wouldn’t be here. It matters to me. It matters to those people who hugged you when you brought them love- quilts and food, things they never get. It matters to the people who see through your exes charade (of whom it seems there are some or plenty based on my internet searching….. You survived and you give them hope. That he didn’t make or break them, because he isn’t God even if he wants to say it.

    For me, you matter from a very personal perspective. Some of it is sad, and some is joyous.

    I am going to leave my husband before I feel the same injustice and injury you feel. You are a beacon of ‘Oh my god run and run hard’ for those of us who are still mired in indecision. I will not end up being as broken. I will not allow him to make me feel like- like this! Like you don’t matter. I won’t get to that because you are saving me. If you don’t see that value, then you’re just being silly. Because I need you. Your voice gives me strength.

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    • Your words are truly moving. If my words and story have indeed helped you, then I will have accomplished something. I wish somebody had helped me before I wasted so many precious years that could have been spent with somebody who would have treasured me. If we could all recognize early enough that we are in a poisonous relationship and are victims of the “trauma bond” we could get out before we are so damaged and broken. I want you to know how much your love and support means to me. It truly makes me feel like I matter. Thank you.

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  4. If you wouldn’t be here we would indeed have missed your wonderful writing. And it is not only enjoyable; it might even save the poor soul of someone who happens to surf into your blog and suddenly realize that their partner is a narcissist… We all matter in this world, even if we do not know in what way. I can relate to what you are writing though, I sometimes also wonder what I am supposed to be doing in this world. But I have learned that both circumstances and feelings pass, and they can change over time. Often for the better. Hugs! 💜

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  5. So glad that you’re with us……if not we would not have your beautiful writing to enjoy. It’s never too late to tell your children that you love them, if that’s what you want. We’re all on this earth for a reason, some of us lucky enough to know what that is, some not…….Casa ra sara.

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  6. Ok, so what if you never changed anyone’s life, that’s not your job. All these things paint a great picture without you here, what if things were 100x worse without you? You or me have no idea how things would be different & playing this game is dangerous. Also loser would still be that, trust me on that one. Now you focus on the good you’ve might have caused & don’t even know it… I’ll start you, what if that little old lady you saved was the caregiver to a child that grows up & does more good that loser ever did bad.

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