Home » A disease-Giving Husband » Why Don’t I Read Books?

Why Don’t I Read Books?

I have been blogging for several months and I have been encouraged many times to read certain books.  I probably sound like a cad when I respond “I don’t read books.”
One of my readers said “yet, you read blogs and you write.”  She’s absolutely correct.  I do read blogs and write on my own blog but blogs aren’t books.  I have no explanation how I justify that but that’s how I see it.
Like doing drugs or drinking alcohol, I never said “I’m never going to read a book.”  I know of no other person who does not read books…not one.
Loser said if he could change one thing about me, he would make me a reader.  He used to buy books for me and I resented it.  I wasn’t going to suddenly start reading books to please Loser.  If I could have changed one thing about Loser it would have either been that he wasn’t a drinker…or he was faithful.  He didn’t stop drinking and he certainly didn’t stop being unfaithful.
I don’t think it’s rebellion but there is a block and I don’t know whether it is subliminal or conscious.
If I started reading books, it would be almost like I had deserted my staunch affirmations.  It may sound crazy but that’s the way it would feel.
I don’t remember ever being hit with a book.  I don’t remember having a book thrown at me so why do I have this unyielding attitude?
When I was growing up, everything was jealously guarded by my family members…emotions, affections and material things.  I wasn’t allowed to touch anything that didn’t belong to me because it wasn’t MINE.
Could that be the reason I don’t read?  Is it because none of the books around were mine and I wasn’t allowed to touch them, let alone read them?
I had school books and they were mine but I didn’t read them either.  I just paid attention in class and thanks to my wonderful memory, I never had any problem passing tests.
Am I a victim of my own making?  Is it something that I devised so that it would be one thing about me that was unique?  It certainly is not considered to be an asset but rather another reason to be chastised and ridiculed, so why?
I don’t proudly boast than I am not a reader but I have found that it is treated with the same disdain as when I say that I am not a drinker.
There are things about me that cause people to gasp or look at me like I have horns…or look at me like I’m sub-human, such as never having eaten a McDonalds’ hamburger.  I have never eaten lobster.  I have never eaten a shrimp.  I have never even had a sip of beer or wine and I don’t read books.
One morning I got up and decided that I was never going to have another glass of milk.  Coming from somebody who used to drink at least a gallon a day, that was pretty extreme.  I gave it up without a second thought and I have never had another drop of milk…and I never will.
I read one book and I did it to stop Loser from looking at me with his familiar disgusted, contemptible sneer.
I have heard all the rhetoric people say about how they “took a trip…slayed a dragon…became a princess…or discovered a lost continent” through books but my thoughts are “no, you didn’t.  You read a book.”
I know there are reasons we do and don’t do things but I have no idea what part of my brain bars the slightest desire to get lost in the writings of a book.
It used to piss me off that Loser would spend hours and hours and hours, sitting in the bathroom reading books and then act like the quilt I had just made, had no value because I didn’t “read it.”
Maybe it eventually came down to intentionally refusing to read because, in his mind, reading a book should have “taken precedence” over everything I did.  It was a sign of “intelligence” (per Loser) and it had already been acknowledged that since I didn’t go to college, I needed something to make me appear to have half a brain.
I have profound aversions to so many things.  I have never been able to walk around without clothes…I think because Loser told me I would never be voluptuous.  I am extremely uncomfortable when I am hugged, even by my own children…I think because I’m afraid of being hit.  It takes every ounce of courage I have (and a ladder braced against the door and the bathtub) to be able to get into the shower without being afraid somebody is going to pull the curtain back…because my uncle always had to “come check on something” when I was in the bathtub.
None of these things make me special.  They just add to the stigma that I am the worthless, uneducated, NOT court-holding queen, non-reading waste that Loser made me feel like and pounded into my head for so many years.
It still begs the question…why don’t I read books?

27 thoughts on “Why Don’t I Read Books?

  1. I’ve known plenty of people who choose not to read books. If you’re okay with it, don’t worry about it. If it ever starts bothering you, allow yourself to reconsider the topic.

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  2. I have met some people who don’t read books, or don’t read much of anything, except tabloids.. I am not saying you have to read books, but as someone else said already, there is a lot of good stuff in them to enjoy and learn from, find hope, or new dreams. Some books have changed my whole life at times, or given me hope when there was none to be found in real life.. maybe you will read books some day, maybe not. It is your own choice. I am really glad that you are writing and reading blogs though, it is quite similar to books, in a way.😊 And your ex’s words have nothing to do with the truth, it was just about his need to feel superior. For example, this blog post of yours was wonderfully written. You do have intelligence and talents!💜

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  3. If you never read a book but quilt, I think it’s ok. If you never quilt, but decide you love reading, I would be ok with that. Realistically… I just want you to try something to feel some joy, or peace, or something other than just animosity towards loser et al, and sorrow for your son. You are living with a lot of “I won’t”…. So… What will you? Fuck saying no. Say yes to something. heart and hugs.

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  4. I read constantly, but I don’t have a clue about quilting. I can’t stomach a burger from McDonalds but love one from Hardees…….To each his own. You’ll do what’s right for you when the time is right…….When Loser told you what to do you should have told him to STFU.

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  5. I’m stunned.
    You’ve read some of my poems and left
    wonderful, meaningful comments that ment
    a lot to me.
    I really wish that some day you would pick
    up a book and give it a try.
    You’re missing so much.
    Please, one book.
    I can recommend one if you want.

    Alan. 😕

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  6. Reading a verse of two of the Bible wold be a great start. You need to erase or delete the things that your EX said. Why was he with you all those years if you were so flawed??? You know how you avoid dog poop in the street and it is forgotten once it’s out of sight? Well, you need to do the same with the things he said. Treat it like poop and move on. Be well my friend.

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    • Indeed they are. I was “raised” on the Bible. My granny taught Sunday school in her living room. We all had scriptures we had to repeat at the beginning of class. Mine was “for God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” and my mamas’ was “go to the ant, thou sluggard, consider her ways and be wise.”
      I still have my faith, but have long ago stopped reading the Bible. Thanks and I will visit your blog. Maybe you could visit mine and get an indication why I’m so…..what? Damaged and skeptical?

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