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Waiting for Godot

This has just happened within the last hour.  I have a friend who knows my sons’ plight.  They are connected and offered to make a few calls on his behalf.  I was encouraged and was ready to do whatever was necessary to make something happen.
He made the call and the next step was for my son to call and talk to a rehab place.  I could tell when I talked to J***** that he was already resisting but he said he would make the call.
I gave him enough time to call and called him back to hear the outcome.  I was once again, met with the angry J*****.
He said he was going to try to go to detox tonight because he called and they had three beds available.  He said it would take him a few days to get “ready and get to the rehab place” and he was afraid he was going to have a seizure before then…so detox was the answer.
He said he believed that going to detox and then to AA meetings were going to be all he needed to do.  He mentioned again about asking Loser for help.  I thought J***** had asked him for bus ticket money but he said he had asked him if he would help him so he could go talk to a psychiatrist.  Loser said no…he couldn’t afford it.
I told J***** that I would look after him for a few days until he could get into the rehab place and he said……..“I DON’T WANT TO GO TO REHAB!”
I don’t even think I was surprised when he said that.  All of his posturing was apparently for show.  He likened going to rehab as “running away” and he didn’t want to leave his friends and family.  I asked him how often he saw those “friends and family” members who were so important he couldn’t leave them for thirty days.  The more I talked, the more belligerent he got.
I told him this was my last gesture…my last attempt to help him.  I told him that I had gotten a friend to pull strings for him and now he didn’t want the help.  He got angry and yelled at me when he said “thanks for telling me you’re never going to help me again.  Thanks for throwing me away.”
I tried to keep my cool and told him that I just couldn’t do this anymore.  I had once again, made it possible for him to get some help and he was refusing.
I told him that he had made his choice, I hoped he could feel better and I was going to hang up.  Once again, he said he was sorry for being “mean to me.”  I responded with just one word…”okay.”
So…waiting for my little J***** to return, is like waiting for Godot.  He’s never going to arrive and I’m afraid I am soon going to be dealing with the death of my little boy.

11 thoughts on “Waiting for Godot

  1. Had a friend who went through this and it was a rough road. As I mentioned before, she finally realized there was nothing she could do but wait for him to see the light. She also feared every phone call thinking that he would be dead…….He’s 36 years old now and the greatest guy you’ll ever meet. A joy to be around………Oddly enough, he doesn’t remember the times he called her a fucking bitch, accused her of ruining his life, the holes he knocked in the walls with his fist, the things he stole and sold, or the many times he wished both of them dead……..And that’s fine……Because now they both remember the fun of sitting together sharing sweet tea and pound cake…..And my friend is crazy about his beautiful, dear wife….. When she stopped trying to save him, he saved himself. Not saying there is always a rainbow at the end of the road, but don’t be afraid to look for it.


    • I’m afraid my son will never live to see 36. He has already spent more than half of his entire life in this Hell. He has missed the best years of his young life. (I can identify but for different reasons.) I guess until there’s absolutely no hope…there’s still hope, even if it’s only a smidgen.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so so so proud of you. This sounds much more like you are in control of your part in this. And your sons addiction is running him. He is going to grab all the excuses. He may call, and may finally commit to it, shortly. Because you have been clear. This is the last time. You should be firm on this. And it validates that his money ploy … Was just that. You are not his to be used. You’re his mom, you’re there to enforce good stuff, discourage negative stuff, support his good choices and yes, disengage when he chooses death over life. You’re doing the right thing. Boundaries are smart. They’re heartbreaking, but he apologized. That’s a step. Boundaries will get you to a semi functional relationship. If he goes to rehab, his treatment will start unpacking much of this emotional damage. Again- I am glowing with this dialogue. It’s not great for him. But you are also very much in need of your own support. Good job not taking any garbage from him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My friend just called me and asked me to have J***** call him. J***** said he would talk to him but only if it was “free.” So, I guess we’ll see how that goes. I guess I can hope but I’m not going to hold my breath.
      Thank you so much for your wonderful words of support. It helps so much in my lonely quest for peace.


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