Home » A Wasted Life » Another Call To My Son

Another Call To My Son

I talked to my son again yesterday.  He was waiting for a return call from a rehab place he’s been to before.  He said he was worried about getting in because he still had an “outstanding balance.”  I wasn’t sure what that meant because I thought rehab places were funded.
We continued our chat and he talked about how crappy he felt.  He said this was the “worst detox” he had ever been through.  He said his stomach was killing him and he was severely dehydrated.  I told him to drink some water.  He said he couldn’t because it made him sick.  I told him that water was pretty innocuous and shouldn’t upset his stomach.
He said he was drinking beer.  He said that beer is a pain-killer and was the only thing his stomach could tolerate.
I have no experience with detoxification other than what I’ve heard and seen but doesn’t that mean you are OFF the sauce?  He’s trying to detox by drinking?
When he’s drinking, he’s abusive to me and he’s protective of Loser.
He asked again about the bus ticket and the balance due.  I asked him if Loser was still in town.  I figured he could give J***** the money to buy a ticket while he was there and not have to pay the extra fee they charge if you are buying it for somebody else.
His reaction was unbelievable.  He said “I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT DAD…and again said…MY DAD IS NOT A LOSER.”
I dismissed his anger and told J****** to ask Loser for the money.  That was another attack as far as J***** was concerned and he yelled and said “I told you….I’m not going to talk about dad!”
Why?  Why does this child of mine continuously stomp on my emotions and insist on defending that piece of shit sperm donor?
I’m almost at the point where I’m ready to tell him to put all of his energy and emotions into trying to do whatever it takes to make sure that Loser is in his life.
J***** gets drunk and sends me horrible, insulting, demeaning texts.  There’s no way he would do the same thing to Loser.  Why is that?  I’m the one who has always been there for him in any and every way, shape, form or fashion…and his loyalty STILL lies with that fucking scumbag.
When J***** asked Loser for help and he essentially said no….did that endear Loser to him even more?
I tried to change the subject and asked J***** if he would let me know two things.  He immediately…and I mean immediately once again, went into Loser defense mode.
I told him to calm down…that I only wanted to know if (1) the place called him back and (2) what they said.
His tone changed and he said “absolutely.”  Then he said “I’ll let you know how much the balance is.”  He’ll let me know?
Maybe I should just tell J***** that I am done.  Maybe I should tell him the next time he gets drunk to text Loser and his WTC.  Maybe I should tell him to let Loser and his WTC take him in the next time he has nowhere else to go.  Maybe I should tell him to call Loser and his WTC and beg them for money the next time he’s hungry.
The only other choice I have is to allow him to continue to carve off pieces of my heart until I literally bleed to death.  I don’t know if I have the strength to do that but I know I don’t have the strength to continue to be emotionally abused and treated like my value can never compare to Losers’.
Maybe this is something I should broach with my counselor today.  I have a double session because I’m so fucking damaged.  I may very well be told that what I think is exactly what I should do.
And if I do and J***** dies…..how do I live with that?

41 thoughts on “Another Call To My Son

  1. It is not anyone else’s right (and certainly not mine), to tell you what to do. God only knows that I myself have screwed up a lot, and, much like your son, (but not exactly the same of course), is fighting demons inside… I can only give general advice for abuse/addicts.. as to not enable him/them. 1)Always take care of yourself first (do not accept abuse/hang up/don’t reply to that. (That way the addict learns they can not abuse you). 2) Like someone else says, while they are in active/severe addiction, never give money directly, it will only help them continue addiction. 3)Rather than taking them in at your place, get them to Rehab. (If waiting time, possibly a motel/shelter, before?) If they are in your home, it is very hard to keep them from stealing etc (if they have that severe an addiction that they will steal).

    4) it is NOT your fault, no matter what you do/don’t do, the addict is now adult, and has to heal himself and find a will to do so. Being there for them is commendable, but it is good/necessary to combine that with boundaries, demands (rehab), to truly make them help themselves. I hope he gets better! Hugs!! 💜

    Like

    • My last ditch effort was finding him yet another rehab facility but he didn’t want to go. He seems to be alright (and I use that term with great trepidation) right now, but I’m afraid it’s just going to be a matter of time before he falls right back into his destructive path. He has always been so desperate for Losers’ love and attention and he’s never going to get it. (I just posted a blog touching on that.) I have thought about cutting him off completely…and here’s the bitchy part of me…because after all I’ve done for him, he still defends that fucking sperm donor and treats me like garbage when he’s drunk.
      Yes, his addiction is so great that he would steal anything and everything I have, without a second thought. I feel, like always, that I am only important when something is needed. Loser is important ALL THE TIME. I’m still thinking about having a chat with my son. He will get mad and scream at me and make me feel like shit but it’s nothing I’m not used to. I am so very afraid that he’s going to die…and what a shame. He never really got to live.
      Hugs back.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It may be hard for your son to talk to you fully about this subject about his dad. Children will often defend a parent who is unloving.. I think the reason is, by defending that parent, they believe (subconsciously) that they could win some love from the unloving parent. I have a similar dynamic in my family unfortunately. I believe the child lashes out at the loving parent, cause they feel secure about that parent’s love, and that’s why they take out all their hurt on that parent… I believe this is a sort of core wound, that the parent can not really “heal”. The child that is adult needs therapy to let go, heal, and find enough love for them self, to sustain their own emotional needs. To learn to understand their inner wounded child, but not “let it take over” any longer…

        It’s a good thought you have about talking to your son. It can be a mine field for you both, since you were both so close to the abusive situations. It would be good i think, if that conversation could be held with a counsellor’s help. If you still want to talk to your son alone, my best advice would be to do that when he has come some distance away from his addiction. Active addicts are not good at dealing with difficult emotions, it can drive them to sink further into addiction. What you could do is just acknowledge that your son has many wounds from the past, which were not his fault, but that you wish for him to work on healing those, and that you want to help with that. I think he needs to be sober, in a caring, therapeutic and safe environment, before he deals with the core wound of not being loved by his dad… Just my 2 cents. Hugs and strength! 💜

        Like

        • It has taken me years to convince J***** that he needs therapy. When he finally realized it, he asked Loser for help and Loser told him he couldn’t afford it…of course. He’s having to keep up his WTC and she’s so much more important than his son. Catching J***** between “bouts” is becoming more and more difficult. I have tried to talk to him before and enlighten him, using myself as an example but it has come to no fruition. He dismisses it as “Loser bashing.” You touch on so many things that are “light-bulb” moments. I couldn’t appreciate my grandparents’ love and J***** can’t appreciate mine. It’s a vicious circle. I couldn’t deal with it then and he can’t deal with it now.
          Would it have an impact on him if I told him that from now on, he needed to communicate with Loser? The only impact it would have would be to piss him off and beat me up with words. Might be worth a shot, though.

          Liked by 1 person

          • You are thinking about if it would have an impact if you told him to have contact with his dad from now on.. I do not know this. I could imagine that the best thing for him is to go through therapy and then maybe be able to relate in a new way to his dad. That might be for him to cut all ties with the dad, or decide to only have contact on big Holiday seasons… Who knows. I think you have tried your utmost to show your son that you were willing to help him get some real professional help.. but he said no, and as you said, that is his choice. He is a tormented soul and I see your love for him. But no amount of love can save a person if they are set on destroying themselves completely. I do hope and pray that he finds self love and a will to heal.. hugs 💜

            Like

  2. My heart is breaking reading your post and the comments. I have a sort of similar situation with my son, who I thought was out of the woods until I had dinner with him on thanksgiving….And he basically threw me out, I don’t know why, except that he was very hung over…

    Like

  3. Do you see any pigs flying? Nope? Until you see that happening don’t expect fair and equal play when it comes to being a Mother. We can almost die giving birth to them, feed them, clean their butts, change vomit cloths and bed cloths, help with homework, drive them around for 16 years, play with them and love them with our whole hearts and they still want the Daddy that didn’t have time for them or want time for them….. Is it unfair that he can badmouth you but you can’t badmouth him…HELL YES…… but, that changes nothing, that’s the way it is. Not saying you have to go that route, that’s your choice to make, but until you see the oink oink’s hitting the airwaves, that is the way it is……You answered your own question about your son living with you while awaiting help…..If you can’t stay awake 24/7 with every thing that can be sold chained down…..no win situation. I know that you love him with all your heart…..wish that could wipe out his demons. Sending you love.

    Like

  4. I can’t argue with the unfairness. It absolutely is unfair. But this is not eye for an eye territory. And its not about loser. It’s not. It’s about you. You will never ever stop being under his thumb until you aren’t. And part of that’s letting go of the petty ‘wins’. Of trying to make that account balance at all. He is bad debt. He has poisoned everything he touches, your children, his family life, his career where he is seen as both a tyrant and a sadist…. (Although that usually produces phenomenal results from people below him, if they last. Like a dandelion through concrete…) He is a bad debt.

    And you have excised him in so many ways. Call him whatever you want on your own time. To us, because loser doesn’t even start to describe him… Or to others you know. But your children will always be tied to him. And you. And your right, they are broken. They are poisoned and they should stick up for you and respect you and they should see his shit eating ways and think he’s a fool. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have enough muscle memory from all the crap and disregard he heaped on them to naturally defend him, even if they think he’s a dick. And you know he’s a loser, but they have heard again and again, he is their daddy and that’s the only thing they have to be proud of. Their accomplishments will never match his. And if you call him a loser, where does that leave them? It’s so disordered, but that’s how it’s stacking up. So don’t bother with it. Stick it to him on your own, praise Jesus you’re not as far gone as they still are up his ass. And call him whatever- mr. Newspaper, mr nice guy, ‘your father’, his first name. He doesn’t deserve it. But they don’t deserve the implied insult they hear when you say he’s a loser. And why doesn’t it go both ways? Because it’s fruit of the poisonous tree- dad is amazingly successful so he must know everything and he says moms a crazy bitch, and she put up with it forever so now she is just being silly, because he knows it all.

    Someday. Someday you will be able to have them stand back and realize what an absolutely evil he was. Right now, focus on you being a positive force, the one taking the high road. Not responding to the dumb shit. You have never had a drink- that means you have some wicked strong resolve. You know how to stick to your guns. So make this a choice, and stick to it

    Like

    • I just called my son. He is so sick he could hardly talk to me but I told him I may be able to get some help for him. I qualified it with “this is the last time.” He displayed all the appropriate rhetoric about wanting to get sober but he still thinks it will take him “about another Week” and then the worst will be over….but he’s still drinking. Sigh.
      I bit my tongue, put on my “big girl panties” and apologized to him for calling his daddy “Loser.” Being somewhat sober now, he actually said that he didn’t care what I called him. I told him that I was wrong and I would never refer to him like that again. (I will take your advice and refer to him only by Loser on my blog.)
      Sometimes, no matter how justified you think you are, you are wrong and I was wrong.

      Like

  5. Ok so… Much of the other comments reflect my feelings. And I hurt for you so much. I will add in a medical note- alcohol withdrawal is one withdrawal which you can physically die from. If his addiction is severe, he should not detox alone, he will need therapeutic cessation to do it safely. The physical response can be seizures and worse, or if he is super sick, the dehydration can contribute to other illnesses which are volatile and dangerous- like pancreatitis. its unfortunate but he should be drinking alcohol until he can get somewhere to help him through this.

    I am not sure, but balance due may be related to damages caused if he was ejected from a stay, for not adhering? If you talk to your son about your ex, you need to respect the boundary and not refer to him as loser to your kids. You’re making this worse, for yourself. Be rational because you’re surrounded by crazies, be the person who just is normal. First name. He doesn’t deserve it, but look at how it riles up your son, and think of this as compassion for him. So x can pay for your bus ticket to treatment? No? Ok. So then it’s your decision what you do- if you buy it you buy it. If you don’t, you don’t. But you don’t need or deserve him being abisive to you, and you can define that as a term of your support….. I will pay for your bus ticket. I will look into your treatment centre- if you are willing to consider paying for the balance, YOU will be given an invoice and are owed an explanation what it’s for (even if it’s general because it might be medical stuff so they can’t give detail). There is a very good chance your sons playing you, much like your husband did. He’s lying, for money. So he can have it. You cannot give him any money directly. You Can agree to find his ticket, or pay his rehab facility balance, if you can give him a place to go get the ticket and you will get a receipt and confirmation for the charge from rehab. It is also one hundred percent ok for you to draw your line in the sand, and say no. Entirely.

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You deserve love. So I’m sending you a little piece of my heart tonight

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have read your comment about five times. I offered to send for my son so I could look after him. He declined. I do believe his addiction is to the point where he is in serious danger. I talked to him last night and he was too sick to talk. He already has pancreatitis and now his liver is seriously hardening.
      I have had several requests to stop calling my ex…Loser. I know everybody is right but in my damaged mind, he is not worth of even having his name uttered. My response to another comment was…my ex can call me a “fucking bitch” and nothing is said. How is that fair?
      I’m hoping he will be able to travel to the place where the help is waiting. My question is should I let him stay with me until then? I have medical experience so I can handle a crisis but can I stay awake all day and night to keep him from leaving or stealing my car or anything else that isn’t nailed down?
      Back to my ex…it is so difficult to show respect to somebody who deserves it less than anybody on the face of the planet. It’s my anger. I have such an immense hatred for him and what he did to me and how he treated my children.
      If I can get my son into another rehab, I will make one of the conditions that I am included in the HIPPA disclosure. If he resists, all bets are off.
      I appreciate your words so much and I know I’m doing the wrong thing when I call their “daddy” Loser….but, for crying out loud. I have been told that I was driving a wedge between me and my children..that has already happened and it wasn’t because I called him Loser.
      Thank you for the little piece of your heart.

      Liked by 1 person

    • With difficulty. She has days when she understands and is able to see it all with some clarity. But other days, most days in fact, she’s upset and angry that they can’t communicate normally. She doesn’t get it how conversations become so hostile so quickly. It’s all a process…. sigh.

      Like

      • There are days when I stand up and tell myself that I will no longer be anybodys’ punching bag. Then there are other days when I would sell my very soul to the devil if it would help my son. That kind of torture is one thing that causes insanity, I think.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Non of us live in a Mr Clean world. We all have, had or will have someone who steps into the slop jar. Sometimes we can wipe the foot clean, but then again sometimes we just have to let them take care of their own shit…….There are free clinics in Fl and when he wants real help he’ll find it……..Remember that this is not your son. He is someone molded by substance abuse. Take care of your own mental and physical health so that when he does come out of this fog you’ll be able to help…….Your children already know the real Loser….just prefer turning a blind eye to the truth…..Pretty sure with deeper maturity they will find the right path. ….Who knew having an ex husband and grown children could be sooooooo much fun?

    Like

  7. Oh sweet mom of this son.. They are our hearts and innately – they know it.. So they turn to the one they know will take it.. He isn’t himself and so you can’t see him as such nor expect him to behave as the one you raised and love.. For now or forever – a nasty unknown lives in him.. Love him as you always have – know it will always hurt – always.. But precious time softens the crushing pain and you will breathe again, your anger will heal and you’ll feel the freedom of just loving him without trying to fix him or being his stomping ground.. You have done such an incredible job of loving him that he knows your love will always be and in their sick ways- he leans on you because of that.. So you have not failed him – nor is he trying to destroy you.. J is just no longer J.. The fact that he looks like your son does not make it so.. Set yourself free by knowing and accepting – you will always love him and he knows it.. And now you must love yourself – write letters or emails but don’t respond if his are of hate and abuse.. His real anger lies with his father and it will surface one day.. Go Do what you want him to learn – to love himself..
    I learned this by walking it.. My family has a J..
    God’s blessings and peace on you ❤️

    Like

  8. The only way your son will learn and seek help/therapy is when he hits rock-bottom and realizes he has to do the work for himself. And because he wants it. But for that to happen you can’t keep being there for him, being his punching bag and the only person that he could turn to with all of his frustrations and hurts. The real person he is mad at is his father, but he will never admit it. And as long as he doesn’t come to terms with the lack of love from his father he will never get better. Sober, and be able to move on to a better place. The best thing for him it’s a go to rehab and therapy to address his issues with his dad. But you must let him do that on his own even if that means you have to cut him out from your life in the meantime. Perhaps that is the only way he will learn and realize he is at that place where he pushed away the only person that’s always been there for him. You.

    Like

    • I think you’re right but if I push him away, I will only have one child who doesn’t blame me for everything, although she still won’t desert the scumbag. Loser never treated his daughters like they were anything special either but maybe it’s different with girls as far as wanting the approval of their sperm donor. IT IS GOING TO BE EXCRUCIATINGLY HARD. He’s so fragile and always has been. If I do that, he will either be so depressed that he will turn even more to the alcohol or he will hate me with the same white hot passion that I feel for Loser. Either scenario will be soul-killing.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I know and I’ve heard that a hundred times. But, this kid only wants one thing…approval from that lousy scumbag. That’s all he’s ever wanted and I don’t understand why he doesn’t realize that he’s never going to get it. Loser doesn’t care about anybody but himself and whoever he happens to be fucking at the moment. Instead of seeing that, J***** beats the shit out of me.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s