Home » A Wasted Life » I Missed The Parade

I Missed The Parade

Three years ago when I lived in F*****, I was able to see the local Christmas Parade coming through town every year.  It would go right by my house.  There were golf carts, police cars, motorcycles, floats, ambulances, rescue units and the greatly anticipated fire truck with Santa Clause on top…waving and bellowing the obligatory “Merry Christmas” through a microphone.
I looked forward to it every year with such childlike excitement.  I didn’t care if I had on my pajamas…I would go out and watch with absolute delight…….but why?
Why did a grown woman have to contain herself to keep from jumping up and down at the mere sight of a man dressed in a red suit, who probably resented having to wear it?
Why did a grown woman still…..STILL…..stand there with her hands clasped tightly across her chest, close her eyes and “desperately hope that once a year, reindeer could fly?”
Why was a grown woman thrilled beyond definition when Santa Clause threw her a piece of candy?
Why did a grown woman have an uninterruptible “high” for several hours after the parade had disappeared to another part of town?
Did that mean that I was still “a child at heart” or did it mean that (as Loser said) “I am clearly insane?”
Last night the annual Christmas Parade came to town, here.  I didn’t know that it was scheduled so when I started hearing deafening, near-window-shattering booms that sounded like cannon balls being fired, I thought maybe ISIS had infiltrated my neighborhood and I should seek shelter.
I went outside and the entire sky looked like every single star had converged to create a supernova.  When I saw the fireworks, for a moment I wondered if I had slept all the way through December and was watching a New Years’ Eve celebration but then I realized that the parade was beginning.
I silently questioned myself for a minute about whether I wanted to walk uptown to see it.  I could hear people chattering.  I could hear the childrens’ high-pitched squeals.  I could hear the fire trucks’ air horns blowing.  I could see the emergency lights bouncing off everything that was reflective and it took on the flavor of a monochromatic, psychedelic rock band display.
I thought about my four firefighters (not my “fucking firefighters”) and I envisioned one or all of them, driving or riding down the street, throwing candy to all the little children.
What a thrill that would be for me, if only I could see it.
If there was the briefest whim of regret for not having known about the parade, it came and went so fast that it didn’t even register.  I came back into my house and sat down.  There was no “high.”  There was no candy.  There was only silence.  I missed the parade.  It was within my grasp…but I missed it.  Like so many things that were within my grasp during my life and whether through misfortune or misguided intentions or avoidance…I missed it.  The childhood excitement had vanished.
Maybe that childlike behavior has finally joined the ranks of playing with dolls and wishing on stars.  Maybe my sanity has returned (but only to the point of no longer believing in fairy-tales.)
Maybe I should feel immense melancholy over the loss of one more thing in my life that used to literally bring such joy (albeit infantile) but I don’t.
Maybe that sadness is so deeply buried beneath all the other sadness that it doesn’t even matter anymore.

11 thoughts on “I Missed The Parade

  1. Where in the jumping Jehoshaphat did that limp dick you were married to get off saying you were insane for enjoying a Christmas parade? Hell, after you put up with the shit and whores he PARADED through your life for over forty years, he should respect you for being an expert on HO HO HO parades………At the very least you would think that Ole Loser would like those free SUCKERS.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The “insane” comment was his judgment was in general (and after I finally started standing up to him.) He just thought I was “silly” for being so childlike when it came to Christmas….or any holiday. What could he expect…from an uneducated, tee-totaling, faithful “Puritan” woman? And, yes….he would do ANYTHING for a “free SUCKER”……obviously.


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