Home » A Wasted Life » He’s Out.

He’s Out.

My son got out of jail yesterday.  I had been regularly checking the website for his status and saw that he had been released.
Now he is faced with almost insurmountable odds.  I’ve known people who got DUIs and it is incredibly expensive.  You lose your drivers’ license for a period of time so how are you supposed to get to work?  There’s a way to get a restricted license but it costs money.  If you have no job and no way to get there, how are you going to pay?
I hammered the DUI possibility into all of my childrens’ heads as soon as they were old enough to drive.  When you think about it though, they saw Loser driving all the time after he had been drinking all day or all night, so why would they think it was wrong?  He completely nullified my concerns and fears by doing what he wanted to do and because he was “the great Loser” it meant he was not only above the law but had to pay no attention to my “silliness.”
I guess he and my children thought it was just “mom being mom.”  I was being unreasonable and trying to “tell them what they needed to do.”
Why is it that somebody who never smoked pot, never took a “trip on acid,” never took a drink and never had sex with every swinging dick that walked by, is constantly chastised and met with rolling eyes?  Should that not be something that is a source of pride?  Should that not be something that is considered admirable?  In MY case, it isn’t.  I didn’t fit the “mold.”  I was a joke.  My daughters would say “mom.  You’re the only person in the world who has never smoked pot or had a drink”…like it was a terrible flaw or something.  Loser constantly criticized me for having “Puritan ways.”  I should have known that what he really wanted was a tramp who would drink and do other “non-Puritan” things and he wasn’t going to find that at home.  I guess that’s why he liked to travel so much and go to bars all the time.  Tramps are always available if you are looking and have no ethics or morality.
Losers’ fucking mama bequeathed the drunk gene to my children and Loser set the example.  It was a no win situation from the very beginning.
There’s no way that Loser will come to our sons’ rescue in any capacity.  The money he would have to shell out for him would fund a VERY nice Christmas present for the WTC.  I’m getting tired of typing “the attachment” so I have given her these initials, which stand for only that which is known to me.  Loser nor the WTC cares if our son ends up back on the street.  They only care that they are warm, have plenty of beer and cigarettes and the bar/pool hall is open.
This demon who has control over my son is relentless.  I’m afraid it has sunk its teeth into him and his flesh has grown around them, making them a permanent part of his being.  What kind of surgical tool exists that can extract those decaying, poisonous teeth before they become terminal?  Is it even possible for him to ever exorcise that demon?  I would think that it would take an enormous amount of strength to overcome this but my son is much like me.  The love and support that he desperately needed from Loser was never there and left him with a feeling of worthlessness and unimportance.  He feels like he has failed to live up to Losers’ “all important” name and that has been a bitter pill for him to swallow.
My son once said to me “mom.  I wish dad spent some time with me.  I wish he had talked to me.  I wish he had taught me how to fight.  I wish he had told me that it was okay to be smart and cool at the same time.  I wish he had treated me like a son.”  Then he said “I wish he had treated you like a wife.”
It almost broke my heart when he said that to me and I thought about telling Loser what he said but I didn’t.  I knew Loser wouldn’t care.

2 thoughts on “He’s Out.

  1. They eventually find the right path, not always smoothly. Sometimes the damage that parents do to their children stays hidden or stored away, sometimes it rides on the surface. Just love him and take care of yourself so that when the moment hits that he needs your strength, you’ll be able to help. Does he know how to reach you? Sending healing thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

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