Home » A Wasted Life » What The Hell Is This?

What The Hell Is This?

Every night, I go to sleep in the fetal position.  Every morning, I wake up in the fetal position.  Every single night and every single morning.  I’m wound up so tightly that with a little nudge, I could roll down the street like a fully inflated beach ball.
Why is that?  Am I still afraid there will be a drawer of silverware thrown in my face?  Am I still afraid of broom handles and baseball bats…or am I reverting back to the comfort of the womb of a mama who didn’t yet hate me?
I “sit” in the fetal position.  I sit on my feet and am reduced to about a two-foot blob…with my chin resting on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs.  I’m sitting like that now.  I have worn the finish off of my chair where my feet rest.
Maybe it’s a comfortable retreat into protection mode…but protection from what?  There is nobody here who will beat me.  There is nobody here who will scream at me.  There is nobody here who threatens me.
Am I afraid of exposing my soft underbelly?  Am I afraid that if I stretch out, parts of my body will be grabbed and sliced open…or worse…ripped off of me?
I try to make a conscious effort to sit on my butt but truthfully, it’s been almost two years since I have been able to do that.  I even sit on my feet in restaurants and at the doctors’ office but I’m respectful.  I take off my shoes.
When Loser and I would meet, he would always cringe and say “I don’t know how you can sit like that…bleah.”  It was just one more way he could criticize me, I guess.  I didn’t criticize him because he had to stand against a wall to put his panties on…but (thank God) I’m not like him.
When I was younger and would cross my eyes, my grandma would say “your eyes are going to stick like that.”  Is that what’s going to happen to my body?  Is it going to stick like this?
Is it mind over body or body over mind?  Is my mind turning my body into some useless replica of what it used to be or is my body just joining my mind in that great vacuum that used to house a lifetime of memories, ideas, thoughts and dreams?
I don’t think my mind is devoid of all those things that used to rattle around like loose marbles…I think it’s more like they have joined forces to create a battering ramp which has been designed for destruction.
I do know that my body is devoid of any kind of sustenance…healthy fat, working muscles and properly working internal organs.
The last time I went to the doctor, the nurse said “it wouldn’t take a very powerful gust of wind to blow you over.”  Then she said “how do you manage to stay so thin?”  I get so sick of people asking me that question.
I want to say “if I weighed six hundred pounds, would you be asking me how I manage to stay so fat?”  It’s just as hurtful.  I’m not a model.  I’m not an actress.  I’m not somebody who is trying to keep up with all the rest of the size “zeros.”
I have almost grieved myself to death and everybody wants to make a remark about my weight…about how “lucky I am”….about how “you sure don’t look like you’ve had four children”….about how “you don’t have an ounce of fat on you, do you?”
This is not a badge of honor.  This is the result of immeasurable sorrow over the loss of so many things in my life.  I don’t appreciate what is disguised as flattering exclamations and feel good tactics.  I wonder what they say behind my back….”she looks like a fucking skeleton?”  At least my sister had the gumption to say it to my face.

28 thoughts on “What The Hell Is This?

  1. I respect the way you say it like you feel. It sounds like you have been through a lot and currently satisfied to take one day at a time. I hope some day you are able to release the tension from within and become the person you choose to be. Have a healthy and happy holiday season.

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  2. There is some old movie…. Where this wife goes to Africa to wed some rich guy and he realizes she has been married before and he suddenly considers her used goods… Everything in his house is new and shiny, the most expensive and whatnot… Giant fancy grand piano… And she is musical and they get in this fight, and she finishes it with something like ‘if you knew more about music, you’d know a pianos better when it’s played’

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    • Oh….I was played alright. I thought I was married to an honorable man. As far as the “other kind” of being played….well, a few other women experienced that….but I wonder (and I’m being uncharacteristically mean) how much THEY enjoyed it.

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  3. Yep. But it’s not about him and his disordered self anymore. It’s about you. Outbreaks usually come with stress. So you’re away from him, you are you, with your own home and own name. Once you start to see you as just you- not as his former prisoner, not as comparison to him, I think so much will get easier for you.

    Happy Saturday!

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    • I’m hoping that someday it can be all about me, for a change. I’ve just never been as selfish as he is and always was. Wouldn’t it be nice to start over as a nice, shiny copper pot…instead of a tarnished, beaten up, corroded replica? It would be hard to pass it off as undamaged. The scars and dents would still be there. Sigh….

      Liked by 1 person

  4. And it’s a damn shame. Because you’re stuck with his garbage. But it won’t ruin your life, and your prospects of finding a companion someday, unless you let it paralyze you.once you’re meeting people, liking people… If you get to that level, you have the talk. There’s a lot of people who realize that they love their partner enough to deal with it- and chances are good that they may have it already. So stepping out, stepping up, rising above this adversity is yet another f-you to the Damn Loser.

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    • The “loving your partner” phrase was what Loser threw my way when he pointed his finger at me and screamed “if you care enough, it doesn’t matter.” It may be true but I wouldn’t have chosen to have that disease. The great irony here is that I have been literally plagued with horrible outbreaks since 1987. HE has never had but two and he says they were so mild, he couldn’t even tell. Lucky him….and lucky WTC. They betrayer walks away clean…and scott free. Yay, Karma.

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  5. As creativerational said, a LOT of people have herpes. Many of them probably don’t even know they have it. It can lie dormant for years and years. It’s not always detectable with tests… unless there’s an active outbreak. You could be tested before marriage, come out clear, but still have it… breakout a decade later and STILL only test positive for it if you happen to be tested during that outbreak. False negatives for herpes are astronomical.

    I think it’s far, far greater than 1 in 3 or 4 people. Truly, it’s likely more like damn near everyone. Unless two people have ONLY EVER been with each other for ANYTHING sexual, it’s likely they have herpes and have no idea.

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    • You’re right. It can and does lay dormant, just as the HIV virus can and does sometimes. But, I know that when I was having my children, mothers were tested for Herpes and if they had it, they weren’t allowed to have a vaginal delivery. You’re also right in that it is rampant but I didn’t have it until Loser gave it to me. And how lucky he is that his WTC already had it, so when he told her (a courtesy he didn’t show me), she didn’t care.

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      • And that’s what I mean… you *could* have had it then but if you weren’t having an outbreak, it would give a negative result.

        They test the birth canal to see if the virus is present *there.* A woman with herpes might not have it present in the birth canal… they’d let her have a vaginal delivery.

        I’m not trying to downplay herpes – it sucks. And it sucks even more that you can’t nail down a timeframe of when you got it. I COULD have herpes from my boyfriend of 15 years ago. Or my husband. That I tested negative for herpes during the pregnancies and births of all 3 children doesn’t matter. Either one of us could have contracted it beforehand and just never had it be active. Stress (SEVERE stress) very often causes it to become active.

        What I’m trying to say is that most people have it and probably even more of them, especially, have absolutely no idea they have it unless they get a raging, angry breakout. And that often presents as something between jock-itch and hemorrhoids.

        My last pap panel and blood tests showed me not having herpes. I’ve tested positive for it exactly once. Never before and never afterward.

        All I’m saying is that a lot of people have it so don’t shut down the idea of ever having sex again… because most do have it.

        There is no FDA-approved HPV test for men. Only women. Lucky us.

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        • I’m just going from what Loser told me. I had never had any kind of “problem.” He apparently did, which prompted him to go get tested after his liaison with his first tramp was over. He was afraid he might have contracted AIDS. What a relief when he found out that it was ONLY Herpes. As I said…I wasn’t promiscuous when I was younger….he was…in both his youth and his married life.

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  6. Well I don’t apologize for telling you to eat a big ole cheeseburger and some fries……it’s damn good. Add a vanilla shake and you’ve got something that’s better than an orgasm…..If you’re going to sit around with your legs drawn up around you get you some good looking yoga pants so everyone will think you’re doing it to get in tune with your inner being……….I’m liking the step you’re taking with the mini-shrink, talk his ear off, but keep your yoga pants on……..Good night talented lady.

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  7. Alright. Old schmold. You have a ton of time left, why bother simmering till you burn in the pot, instead of finding someone to blend with into a good meal? So You have the herp. Hard to deal with. Yknow what? One out of every three to four people have it. (The downstairs kind, not just cold sores) And I’m betting a lot of them are people wronged, just like you. You boil coffee beans, and egg, and potatoes, and all three come out as something different- you have that choice. Are you gonna be a yummy drink, a mushy mess, or a hard solid product. That’s on you. What are you going to make of this world. You’re lonely, and you deserve and should seek companionship, but stop thinking that the next step has to go straight to being sexual. I don’t see you as the type to jump into bed with a companion right off the bat anyways. So… I’m sorry, I am all about pouring out the love you have into others because you receive it back. You need to learn to take care of you- and allow others to nurture you, because that’s obviously never happened. Friends, fellow folk around you who are wonderful and who help you see the world outside of the pain. And learning that having love and nurturing outside of narc relationships (like your mom and your husband) will help you heal. And maybe be ready for companionship. I know you have mentioned having some friends who would relay messages from your kids- so I know you have some buddies, but it sounds like you spend a lot of time alone, and you are… Away from any support, which makes sense because your narc ex has destroyed your support. So… You need to nurture the life you are building. So that it’s a life, and not a ‘waiting for death’. Why did you move. Why did you leave? Why did you bother if you see just going to fade away? You’re alone. But you pick yourself up, and go do… Anything. Meetup.com has all sorts of areas of interest- button collections book clubs, etc. pick… Anything you don’t hate. You probably won’t like anything. It’s not the point. It’s to build your muscle memory. You go out, and your brain realizes after 3-7 times that your body works and lives even when you’re outside your pretzel knot. And that sometimes you don’t think about your dark whole of sadness when you’re outside your pretzel self. Oh my goodness you might even chuckle… 🙂 I dunno. I know you’re volunteering for Christmas, which is awesome and amazing. But you have 20 some days until then. What else are you up to until then? Go walk the track at a community centre. Or go to one of those groupon paint nights where you pay 20 bucks and learn how to paint a pic and take it home. Every week, choose to do one thing. Even walk the block. Just acknowledge that your alive. You are loved. And you are bound for great things. But you have to take those baby steps you mentioned.

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    • I did take another baby step today. I got in touch with a clinical psychologist. I’m meeting with him on the 5th. I may end up making him cry, like I’ve made all of my therapists cry but we’ll see. And you’re right. I’m not interested in any kind of sexual relationship. I cannot imagine another man putting his hands on me….ever.
      I left to get away from the memories. I left because I didn’t want to live ten minutes away from my children and have them never come to see me. I left to just leave everything behind. You know the old saying “the mightier they are, the harder they fall?” I think that holds true for the strong. The stronger they are, the harder they fall. I think I would have rather been weak…like Loser. You fall down, you blame everybody else, you move on and life’s great.
      Lord have mercy on my ovaries….I sure hope that someday this will all be just a soon to be forgotten nightmare.

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  8. firstly, I have said something to you like- eat a cookie. I apologize for that, it was meant with love, not scolding, as in I feel you are punishing yourself and you need to nourish you- your soul and your heart and your body and mind… I meant no disrespect and I’m sorry. I actually just want you to be well. I want you to find wellness. In any way. This introspection- this ‘why do I pretzel ball’ is obviously part of it…. Do you do anything to not be immersed in pain? To focus the pain on the people who have caused it, and start dipping your toe into the rest of the world? Maybe trust that *he* sucks but the world doesn’t always suck. Do you meditate or walk or go to yoga? Currently none of my friends know, I am pretty sure I am going to pull the roof down on the circus tent we all live in. And currently I have to live as if I still trust the world. I can’t ball up and bawl. I can only hold everything in place. I do it by reminding myself that there’s peace in me, and I am good. And i deserve a good life. So I walk. I walk and I do weird exercises in a crazy adult dance class where I am sloppy and have no grace, but I work so hard in that I don’t think about how unfair and stupid and angry everything is making me. At least I get an hour or two where I can pretend that the world doesn’t totally suck and that I don’t have a shit ton of garbage to deal with and that I am going
    To hurt more before I ever even come close to feeling normal for me, let alone actually able to trust someone again. I don’t know. I don’t love that your still making yourself smaller for this man and this world that came after you. You are mighty. You are mighty. Protect yourself. But let yourself float away a little… Acupuncture? I dunno. This isn’t advice this is me rambling, but I value you. Be good to yourself.

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    • Thank you. No, I don’t walk or do yoga or anything. I know I should but I just can’t seem to get motivated. I dream of meeting someone who would value me and treat me like I mattered but the dreams are always halted by the big red stop sign that reads “REMEMBER…YOU HAVE HERPES!” It makes me feel dirty and trashy…all because that Loser was the only man I trusted. I think if this (I KNOW) had happened earlier in my life it would have been easier…but I’m old now and there’s not much hope of starting over…sadly.

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  9. My husband thought I looked great when I lost 20 lbs in less than six weeks from being on the infidelity diet. There she was; the skinny woman he probably secretly wanted me to be. I looked tired, worn down, defeated if you ask me. I have since put all the weight and then some back on. Wish I could find a happy medium..

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    • I had always been thin. I think Loser preferred “hefty” women. His WTC certainly fits that bill….although he does describe her as having gotten “pudgy.” Who cares…as long as they’re spreading their legs and have no morals?

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  10. Addressing your weight and looks – for thin as well as fat people – is more comfortable than addressing the feelings that helped bring you there.

    That’s why they do it.

    The thing is… very few people bring up your weight as a positive, when deep emotional trauma has made you fat. Scratch that – no one does. When you’re thin, people assume good things about you and your lifestyle. True or not. They tell you to eat a bacon cheeseburger.

    When you’re even slightly overweight, people assume bad things about you and your lifestyle. True or not. They tell you to get over it. <—it being the trauma. OR, they tell you that sorrow looks great on you and to keep it up. To not eat. Or sleep. Or whatever it is that's making you get thin.

    I've been in both positions. Being fatter is worse. People don't say things like, "If only he could see how thin and HAWT you look now!" They instead make thinly-veiled accusations about how he could hardly be blamed entirely for cheating, when you "let yourself go" like that.

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    • How true but I would think somebody who is almost skeletal would be more indicative of a tremendous mental trauma. There has to be a reason for it….and I have gotten the “eat a sandwich” comment. People really don’t understand, do they? I would never criticize somebodys’ weight…for ANY reason. There, but by the grace of God…go I. Why don’t they remember that? And, yes…I know women are blamed for letting themselves go and that’s the reason their “husbands” cheat. They have to find a reason to excuse the pigs we’re married to.
      I even had a girl ask me how I lost so much weight. When I said “grief” she said “wow! Give me some grief!”

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      • It really isn't more or less indicative; it's just different.

        I was slim (not thin but slim, at 145lbs and 5'11") before meeting my fiance. He and his family pecked at me, they began to REALLY devalue me and I went down to 117lbs. I was told to eat a bacon cheeseburger. I forced myself to eat a toasted everything bagel, with cream cheese, bacon, and scrambled eggs when people could see it, so they'd shut up. That's the only time I ate a meal during the day. I was disinterested in food and wanted to maintain complete control over whatever small things I could in my life, like eating. Because of my massive frame and my height, I was still a size 10. A size 8 was tight.

        Knowing that my husband was engaging in an ongoing affair he never admitted was physical? While having 3 children in 2 years, 3 months? I KNEW I had no control. Control didn't matter. He'd do whatever he wanted. And nothing mattered. I couldn't be good or sweet or sexy enough… so why try for anyone? I was stuck. I gained weight and, for the second phase of my life doing this, I cooked and ate my trauma instead of feeling it. The first time was when I was being molested as a little girl. There was no way out that didn't deeply hurt my mother, the first time… and no way out that wouldn't deeply hurt our children, the second time. So I kept myself busy with cooking.

        Again- having gone through both, no one gave me nasty stares for being quite thin. Those were envious stares. And the comments were made out of envy. For being overweight? I was given nasty stares constantly. People who didn't know would smirk as I grabbed things like prosciutto and heavy cream. Disgusted stares. People who did know, who'd invited themselves over to "comfort me" [apparently, take advantage of a fantastic meal, as I'd become quite a cook to distract from neglect] would tell me that THAT was why he strayed. To stop cooking. Eating. Writing… because it wasn't active enough, in their minds.

        No one passes you over for a final interview for being skinny. You can feel confident just walking in, that you'll get the job… they haven't SEEN you yet. Even if you're still quite pretty and well put-together, being thinner is the advantage. The thin woman who MIGHT learn quickly will win over the slightly-overweight woman who already knows everything she needs to do and is able to show mastery of it. And in my field – sales – they're none too shy about telling you that. It's expected and we all know it.

        I DON'T mean to be mean, really… but there IS a difference in thin vs. overweight. I don't mind so much in relationships (who needs "friends" like that?) but when it keeps me from supporting my family to the best of my ABILITIES? It's VERY clear; that bias is real.

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        • I understand. It’s the same thing as far as your face. If you have long blonde hair and are attractive and the next person has kinky red hair and wears coke-bottle glasses, guess who gets the job? The blonde can be dumber than a bag of hammers but she’s easy on the eyes. I’ve just never been one to judge based on weight and you’re right. I think it probably IS much harder on an overweight person. I apologize if I offended you. It certainly wasn’t my intent but like I said, I’m not proud of how much I weigh. I’m just sad about it and the comments hurt my feelings 😦

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          • Aaah – now I feel awful! I remember that too… and from the flip side (lol,) I WISH I had that problem!

            I’d rather be miserable and thin and well-off than miserable and a little overweight and begging people to just give me a g-damn shot for a month or two. Because I’d knock their socks off in profits. 😛

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            • LOL. I bet you would and DO knock their socks off. I agree that thin is good. I was always proud of staying thin but the kind of thin I am now is “concentration camp” thin. I look unhealthy..that’s why I can’t understand the remarks disguised as compliments. I can’t stand to see my reflection when I walk by a window. We’ll both just keep trying…how’s that?

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