Home » A Wasted Life » Preparing For The Final Showdown – Part Two

Preparing For The Final Showdown – Part Two

It was ten years ago this month, that I confronted Loser about his first (?) infidelity.  I have gone through the massive amount of emails that Loser and I swapped over the years so that I can delete them…along with him, but the tin soldiers are still lined up, aiming their guns and the guns are fully loaded with hollow-point bullets.  Hollow-points do the most damage, I’ve heard.  I think each bullet has a special memory in the casing that will explode when it hits my heart and leave holes that will be there until it stops beating.
One of Losers’ emails in the not too distant past said “I hope you don’t ultimately hate me and come to regret me.”  He’s about 20 years too late with that hope.
He said that I was “one of the most remarkable people he had ever met and that there was nobody whose integrity he admired more than mine.”  That integrity didn’t do me much good, did it?  And being remarkable?  How could I be so remarkable?  I didn’t hang out in bars, guzzle beer and screw other womens’ husbands.  I didn’t play the pitiful damsel in distress when my taxes were due.  What’s so remarkable about me?  The things that should have been remarkable about me to him, simply had to do with running our “business”…nothing more and that wasn’t remarkable.  That was simply my duty.
When I left, I didn’t tell Loser or any of my children where I was going and I changed my phone number.  My birthday came and went.  Only my youngest daughter emailed a friend of mine with birthday wishes that she hoped would be passed on to me.  Nobody else bothered.
Loser mentioned during our last meeting that he started to get me a birthday card but figured I’d tear it up and give it back to him.  How insightful, for a change.  That’s exactly what I would have done.  I wonder what his attachment would have thought if she knew he was thinking about getting me a card.  What the Hell was he thinking?  Did he really think I wanted to get one more meaningless card from him, with his usual bullshit rhetoric scribbled on it?  Did he think it would make him look like a caring, “good guy?”
I kept flip-flopping back and forth between memories of my youth and memories of my so-called “marriage.”  They seem to be so closely tied together somehow.
The end was right around the corner but it was still so surreal.  I knew that I was going to see him one more time when we went to court for the final judgment and I knew it was going to be uncomfortable.  He had by now, certainly been given a copy of the affidavit that I had written and I’m sure it had outraged him.  He was probably wondering how I could possibly do that to him…being the “wonderful, nice guy that he is.”
I had written letters to all four of my children and intended to mail them (which I did) on the day of the final decree.  I also wrote a letter to that attachment.
The letters were more or less a “goodbye” to my children.  I opened up my heart and let it bleed all over the paper.  I told them that I wished they could remember how I had always been there.  I wanted them to remember that I had gotten between them and Loser when he was getting ready to slap them.  I wanted them to remember that I had been there when they had suffered and recovered from childhood illnesses and torn up knees.  I wanted B***** to remember that I was the one who drove eight hours to come help her when she tore up her knee in college.  I was the one who helped her get up and down the stairs on the way to class.  I wanted K**** to remember that I secretly gave her money to keep her from bouncing a check and therefore, suffering the wrath of the mighty Loser.
I apologized for being a bad mother.  I praised their talents and intelligence and strength.  I told them that I was proud of what they do for a living.  I told them that I think they are beautiful.
I wanted them to choose me but I didn’t ask.  It would have been futile because they were never going to desert Loser…this man who had called them “selfish little bitches.”  This man who had called them “just fucking firefighters.”  This man who had called J***** “a worthless piece of shit.”  This man who had slapped N**** in the face so hard that he almost sent her across the room, when she was just a tiny little girl.  This man who had cheated repeatedly on their mama, flaunted it all over social media and was unrepentant about giving her an incurable disease.
To them, the letters were probably just “mama drama.”  They were probably just mom…bashing Loser again.  They are adamant that they want Loser to be happy.  Good for them.  Good for him.  He’s happy and that’s the only thing that matters.
I had it in my mind that if they really did care anything about me, they would try to find me.  None of them have.

9 thoughts on “Preparing For The Final Showdown – Part Two

  1. Granted it’s hard to imagine why children put blinders on when it comes to seeing a parent in honest light, just as it’s hard to imagine how men can cheat on honest loving wives, with a whore. Children I understand more because they desire to be loved by the abusive parent…… Cheating husbands are just dumb as rocks and seem to get some type of sadistic pleasure out of mindfucking the loving wife waiting at home for them……What goes around, comes around…..Don’t you just love watching Evelyn Couch(Kathy Bates) in the parking lot scene in Fried Green Tomatoes….. Writing about the shit sandwich you’ve been fed during your life will act as a cleansing for your soul and it’s never finished until you’re ready for it to be…..Wishing you a peaceful day.

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    • I do indeed love watching Kathy ramming that little Volkswagen and you’re dead right when you say children desire to be loved by the abusive parent. I wanted nothing more than to be loved by my mama and my son wants nothing more than to be loved by Loser. I’m hoping someday to be able to projectile vomit that shit sandwich I have been fed. Wonder whose face I would like for it to hit?

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      • You let it – the truth – sit with you a while. You marvel at how much evil you’ve been the recipient of and yet, you’re still alive. Eventually, you realize – fully realize and not just are aware – that it happenED. It’s done and there’s no fixing it. There’s no way to go back. It wasn’t you who broke it and it can’t be you who fixes it.

        You come to appreciate that you are mostly whole… that you have enough to find contentment at some point, even if it isn’t happening yet.

        You learn to stop feeling anxiety about the unchangeable past.

        You did not do the wrong thing.

        You did NOT do the wrong thing. Even if those telling you that you’re awful outnumber you, they are STILL not right.

        You did not do the wrong. PLEASE believe that.

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  2. Um…. Your children are either seeds of the narc, and therefore vapid assholes on the inside… Or they are still deluded. Anyone who lets their mother succumb to this darkness. That’s vile or they are clueless. I hope you learn to love you. Because you deserve it. You deserve love. I’m sorry.

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    • My children do indeed have H*** blood coursing through their veins but they’re also human. It’s just hard for them to deal with it. They feel powerless, I think so they concentrate on what they can enjoy…which is Losers’ happiness.

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      • It’s really hard to suddenly or even over time understand that the person you have adored and emulated for years – someone you trust and are supported by- is actually a terrible person. Look how long it took for you to come to terms with it. And your husband has what sounds like strong disciples to his rhetoric- his own little work cult, and if he got it at work he certainly developed the same little coven of devotees at home. Perhaps they are afraid of his whiplash if they leave him. He seems unforgiving and terrible. So if they side with mom, how will they ever stay close to the purse strings? It’s shallow and callous. But you will love them always. He will support them conditionally and yet they may need it? They sound like they are young-ish and in times of flux. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. But you’re done with him. So there are some big wins here.

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        • It is very hard to understand that the person you trusted above all others has betrayed you. I feel the need to defend my children, though. They’re wonderful human beings. They just want their father in their lives…however sparse the time with him may be. His problem has never been his ability to forgive. It has been mine. He tends to want to forget everything and carry on like nothing happened.
          His “purse strings” are not the issue here. Everything he has will most likely go to his attachment…whether by common law or actual marriage…and remember…”if my children don’t want to see HER…they won’t see their daddy.” He made it clear to them, he was going to chose that “thing” instead of his children.

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