Home » A Wasted Life » Preparing For The Final Showdown – Part One

Preparing For The Final Showdown – Part One

The court date had been set for the “final decree” and a flood of thoughts, remembrances, and emotions were lining up like tin soldiers getting ready to form a firing-squad…and I was the one who was blindfolded and standing up against the wall.
I was remembering a life-time of feelings, disappointments and betrayals.  I was looking at the end of a part of my life that I would have never imagined was going to be over.  It wasn’t just about Loser.
When I was “allowed” to go back home, I found a job baby-sitting two little boys who lived three houses down the street.  I baby-sat from eight o’clock in the morning until six o’clock in the afternoon, six days a week….for $10.00.
I worked for a month and was able to save $40.00.
I gave the money to mama and told her to buy herself a new dress.  Maybe I was using the same tactics that Loser says his attachment uses when she tells him “I did that so you’d like me.” 
I don’t know what I did but the next thing I knew, she was dragging me across the floor by my hair.  She had been sweeping and then she started hitting me on the back with the broom handle.
Being the sad-sack I was, I looked up at her and said “I just gave you all the money I made.”  She said “I KNOW IT…AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT THE WHOLE TIME.”  What did that mean?
Was it kind of like when Loser said he was “thinking the whole time…..this is the one thing she’ll never forgive me for”….while he was screwing L*****?  What I would or wouldn’t forgive him for didn’t stop him, did it?  It was more important for him to do what he wanted to do than to risk losing me.
I started wondering what it was about me that Loser apparently didn’t like.  I’m not one to brag, by any means but I was a very trim, fit, size four.  (I’m still small, only now I have dwindled down to a size 0.)  I had long blonde hair almost down to my waist and true green eyes.  I turned lots of heads…but not Losers’.  I had young men flirting with me because they had no idea I was as old I was.  K****s’ boyfriend told me that I looked better in a bikini than she did.  I guess I just wasn’t enough for him.
I used to ask him how I looked, when we were going to a function. (I always had to ask.)  He would say “you look cute.”  I told him I didn’t want to be “cute.”  He raised his voice and said “well, babe…you’re never going to be voluptuous.”
One of the men who was “after me” walked by us one day and said “afternoon Scarlett.”  Loser said “he’s one of them, isn’t he?”  I said he was and Loser did and said NOTHING.  I was often called Scarlett because I was Southern.
Loser told me that I reminded him of Scarlett…I believe not because I was flighty or flirty but because she was a strong woman who was a survivor.
Now, it occurs to me that there is a line in the movie, Gone With The Wind, that I do believe if it was re-arranged, would apply to me….and it makes me shudder.
When Rhett was leaving her, she said “I must have loved you for years, only I was such a stupid fool, I didn’t know it.”  I truly believe that I could say to Loser, “I must have HATED you for years, only I was such a stupid fool, I didn’t know it.”
By saying that, does all my posturing about who he is and what he’s done, mean that I’m no better than he is?  I knew that I had gotten to the place, even years before I found out that he was an adulterer, where I couldn’t stand to be around him….mostly when he had been drinking, which was most of the time.  I have said before, I would lay in bed and hope he didn’t try to touch me.
Maybe I was trapped by the belief that when I said “I do, it meant “I will.”  Maybe I was under the impression that marriage was a commitment and mutual love was almost inherent…like a mamas’ love is supposed to be.  Maybe I believed that because I was married to Loser, it meant that I HAD to feel unconditional, unquestionable and obligatory love for him despite how he treated me.
Like denying Gods’ existence, even thinking, let alone admitting that I didn’t love the man I was married to, would be an unpardonable sin.
I wonder if he knew or if his narcissism would even allow him to entertain the idea that his wife didn’t love him anymore.  He only expressed the possibility after he met his attachment and came to the realization that it was indeed over for us but he still wanted me to think that he wasn’t okay, with his pretentious “I’m not happy” statement.
The end was coming and despite the fact that we were never going to be together again, he decided to tell me that he intended to have my name put on his grave marker.  That was it.  My blood pressure shot all the way up to normal.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS SON-OF-A-BITCH THINKING?  I asked him if he was going to have his first wifes’ name put on it.  He said “of course not.”  I asked him if he was going to have B***s’ name put on it and he looked at me with his usual contemptible, disgusted smirk.  I asked him what he thought that attachment was going to think when she visited his grave, grieving for the loss of her financial security…um, I mean man and had to stand there and look at my name beneath his…where it always was…just as I was always beneath him.  The sensitivity chip wasn’t only missing when it came to me.  It was obviously missing for his attachment as well.
I was seething with a rage that almost completely overwhelmed me.  I found myself wanting to taste sweet revenge like a persecuted animal that had finally broken free and was about to sink its teeth into its captor…taking delight in the excruciating pain it was about to inflict.
Maybe he thought by telling me that he was going to put my name with his, it would finally elevate me to a level of importance that he was never willing to give me when we were married…or when he was alive.
He had a diamond in the rough and could have shaped it, honed it and polished it to a brilliant shine….but he wouldn’t spend the time or put forth the effort.  Now he has settled for cheap paste, which will look good to him for a while…but then it will start to get cloudy…tarnish…leave marks and look like junk that he picked up at a flea market.
After that conversation, I contacted two of my daughters and left instructions that if Loser really did put my name ANYWHERE NEAR his grave site, they were to spare no expense in having it removed…or destroyed, if necessary.
I started thinking about how my sister had no sympathy whatsoever when she bragged to me about what a good time she had with my daughter…the daughter who won’t have anything to do with me.  I started thinking about the send-off I got from K****.  I started remembering the last interaction I had with Loser.
My whole world was disappearing right in front of my eyes.  I had clearly lost my grasp on anything even resembling what used to be my life.  I was drowning in my own sorrow and I had no life raft.
I felt like the dream I had many years ago was coming true.
I dreamed that I was on the floor and people (in the form of animals) were tearing off pieces of me.  I looked up and saw Loser standing at the top of three stairs.  He had his arms folded and was smiling.  He stood there and watched them rip me apart…piece by piece….and smiled the whole time.
It was time for more letters.

2 thoughts on “Preparing For The Final Showdown – Part One

  1. I don’t even know you and just by reading your blog I could have told you that Loser had been cheating on you your entire marriage. He fits the profile. Marrying a man doesn’t make him loving and giving birth to a child doesn’t make her loving…..There loss, not yours. We all have to play the hands we’re dealt. Goes without saying that you got some shitty cards, but you’re still in the game….kudos to you. Keep writing to cleanse your soul and you may find that you can win the game. Don’t worry about people who don’t love you, embrace those who do. Let him put anything he wants on his tombstone….hell, nobody is going to read it………Remember in my first comment that I told you others will start coming to your site reading……well, they’re here with more on the way. You will be found by the right person and you will come out the winner……Enter that court room knowing that.

    Liked by 2 people

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