Home » A Wasted Life » Where Were All These People Before?

Where Were All These People Before?

People have been finding my blog and I have suddenly been literally bombarded with new information about Loser so…….I have a question.
WHY……….why did these people (mostly women) wait until everything had been destroyed, to tell me what they thought and saw and knew?
Is it like the elephant in the room….everybody knows it’s there but nobody talks about it?
Should I believe it when they tell me that there was a “rumor” of people always seeing Loser with another woman at a bar, when I thought he was at work…..twenty or so years ago?  I not only believe it, I know it.
I’ve heard that even though he denies everything about R******* (the woman in D***** who told him she would very much like for him to spend the night with her)….that he did indeed spend the night with her.
His friends knew about L*****.  Why didn’t they tell me?  They were supposed to be MY friends, too.  Is there a code of honor among cheating husbands or was everybody just afraid of him?
One blogger speaks of her husbands’ “Mr. Alibi.”  (I hope she never lets him back into her life.)
I don’t wonder how many of those Loser had because he really didn’t need them.  When your wife trusts you and thinks you’re working, she doesn’t ask any questions.
When I found the earring in Losers’ car and he told me to “get in the car and shut the fucking door,” I let it go for two reasons.  I didn’t want to suffer any more of his furious indignation and…..I trusted him.
Years later when I brought it up again, he admitted how many women had “been in his car.”
L*****, D***, R******* and who knows how many others?  He didn’t have time to talk to me on the telephone while he was at work but he had time to what….take these women “out to lunch?”  I’m sure they were having lunch, otherwise, why would they be in his car?  But, I wonder what kind of “lunch” were they having that made a woman lose her earring?
I had heard the rumor about one of the men we knew, being caught coming out of a hotel room with his “cohort.”  Even Loser confirmed that one.  Next, I heard from another woman whose husband was seen at a place with his “cohort” (who he ultimately married after his wife kicked him to the curb.)  Good for him…he made an honest woman out of her.
Then, it was Loser seen going into a hotel room, sans “cohort.”  Was she already there, waiting for him?  Who knows?  Why would he be going into a hotel room, when he was “supposed to be working?”  Maybe he was tired?
I don’t know if it’s that I’m so mad or so sad.  Did I look like the biggest fool who ever lived?  Probably.  Do I feel even more like I didn’t matter, simply because nobody thought enough of me to tell me my husband was cheating on me?  Absolutely.
Do I feel bad for my children who used to be so proud of the fact that their parents were the only two people who weren’t divorced and thought it was a faithful marriage?  Yes I do.
Should I be angry with these people for not telling me?  Is it doing anything other than reinforcing what I now know?  Is it hurting him in any way?  Of course, when Loser was portraying himself as being divorced to justify parading his attachment around all over the state, almost two years before I ever filed, why would these people think he was committing adultery?
I think I’m beyond hurt.  I think I’m even beyond being mad.  I think I’m at the point now, where I think….”of course.  How could anybody who was and IS so in love with himself, ever turn down a willing attachment who would make him feel like the God he thinks he is?”  I think it just confirms that he’s an absolute SLEAZE.
Now, the question I used to get all the time…from his co-workers and friends makes a little more sense.  I don’t think they were asking me how I could stand to be married to him just because he was such an asshole….they were asking me because they knew who and what he was doing.
We can be and are mad and pissed off at all of these “tramps” but think about it.  What about the men?  Can they never “just say NO?”  Can they never get their brains out of their pants long enough to realize that these women aren’t interested in their pot-bellies or grey, thinning hair or inability to “get it up” without an exhausting effort or a “little blue pill?”  Are they really flattered when these “women” start asking them for money?  Does it make them feel like a “protector?”  Does it make them feel important?  In my case, the answer would be yes.  There is nothing that can raise Losers’ self-worth more than attention and adoration….and he doesn’t care how much it costs.
I didn’t have one second of temptation when men were slipping me their phone numbers or showing up at my front door with a six-pack of beer or waiting until they knew Loser was out of town so they could ask me to go to dinner.  NOT ONE SECOND….and my reaction was NOT to be flattered by their attention.  My reaction was to be insulted.  Not only was I insulted that they would think I would actually cheat on Loser, they thought I would cheat with THEM!
I even called my daughters’ soccer coach once and told him about two of the daddies who were doing those things.  I asked him point-blank if “I looked like some kind of floozy.”  His reaction was simply “I like N***** and I like A**** (the husbands’ wives.)  They’re real nice women…but look at them….and look at you.”
There is nobody and I mean NOBODY who could ever produce anything that could tarnish my good name or my reputation….ever.
If I had the same kind of reputation Loser has, I’m not sure I could stand to look at myself in the mirror.  Apparently, these women don’t care about their own reputations either, as long as they’re getting what they’re after.
Loser doesn’t care what anybody says and he cares even less about what they think.  As long as he has his attachment, pumping up his ego and echoing his assessment of my “insanity,” why would he care about anything?
Just before the “final decree,” I got a message from someone who used to know us.  (I’m going to substitute they/them for him/her.)  They knew we had split up and they had a pretty good idea why.  They had gone to a fund-raiser and saw Loser and his attachment there.  They had heard that Loser had this new attachment.  When they told me, they asked “is his new attachment a trashy-looking redhead?”  Those are their words…not mine.  Loser never saw them and has no idea that he was seen.
If I still bet, which I don’t, after having made the unforgivable mistake of “betting my childrens’ lives that Loser had never been unfaithful,” I would wager that nobody has EVER referred to me as trashy-looking.
That wasn’t the first time the word “trashy” had been used when describing her.  The person who had sent me “evidence” said (and I quote) “people at the newspaper DO NOT like her.  She looks like trash and she acts like trash.  She hangs all over J*** like a cheap suit.”
I said, “well do you blame her?  When you’ve found somebody who will write you checks for a thousand dollars, would YOU let them get away?”  This person also said “J*** is prancing around now like he’s some sort of stud.”
This person is one of the people who Loser considers to be a “good friend ” but they despise Loser and his attachment and said “that attachment is EXACTLY what Loser deserves.”
One person recently said that when we lived in F******, Loser always said he “LOVED to get out-of-town.”  I remember jokingly asking him once if he did everything he possibly could to go on a trip.  Little did I know.  He had four young children and a wife at home, and he’s talking about loving to get out-of-town?  I guess that’s so he could sit in an airport and hope that another woman would “miss her flight.”
Is it better to find out sooner…or later?  Is it better to find out from a friend…in time….or find out because you realize you have a disease?  Is it better to just have the band-aid ripped off….or have it slowly and painfully fall off by itself?  If you knew that one of your friends’ significant other was having an affair, would you tell them?  Would you want one of your friends to tell you?
I’m reminded of a question that I asked Loser after his daddy and my mama had both died.  He sat beside his daddy until the end.  I got a phone call about mama.
I asked him “which do you think is worse…..to be completely blindsided when you get the call that somebody is dead, or if you sit there and watch somebody slowly die?”  He was outraged when I asked him that question and I didn’t understand his reaction.
If you get a call, a flood of emotions might hit you…such as….”what was the last thing I said to them?  Did they know I cared about them?  Did they know how much they meant to me?”  It’s too late then, to say any of those things.
Sitting with somebody who is slowly slipping away, gives you the chance to say all of those things…if you choose.  It offers some kind of closure because you know the end is near.  You can hold their hand or wipe their brow or tell them how much they will be missed.  I still don’t know which one is worse.
I may have answered my own question, though.  Would I have rather had somebody tell me I had a lying, cheating husband, instead of finding it out because after having gone to EMT school, I figured out what was wrong with me?
Of course, had I not gone to EMT school, I would still be living the same lie.  I would have just celebrated my fortieth wedding anniversary.  I would still be thinking I was married to an honorable man…and I would still be a fool.

4 thoughts on “Where Were All These People Before?

  1. I feel this same way….people are now coming out of the woodwork telling me about what they saw my husband doing….HELLO…..no one thought it important that I KNOW…..HIS FAITHFUL WIFE!!!! People too would ask me how I stand him and put up with him….now that I know what was really going on, did they think I knew the whole time and was just sitting meekly by and putting up with it?!?!?! Ugh.

    Yes, if I knew someone was cheating on their spouse, I would tell that spouse in a heartbeat. Whether they choose to believe me is up to them.


    • I know about the infidelity of one of our “friends” from back in the 80s’. We weren’t that close but I’ve struggled with it for a while now. Would I want to be the cause of their marriage potentially breaking up after about the same length of time that Loser and I were married? Everybody knows…but her. I just don’t know…but she is actually one of the women who “enlightened” me about Loser. Maybe I owe it to her.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi! I read your whole blog the other day from beginning to end. I was up past one AM. I wanted to leave a comment, although I can be terrible at expressing myself, so apologies in advance – but I wanted to say I hope the blog title is tongue-in-cheek because I don’t think your life was wasted! You lived with integrity and honor. You raised your kids and had a meaningful career helping people. And now you’ve thankfully thrown your dirt-bag anchor of a husband away. I’m sorry he treated you like that, and I admire you very much. (and as a side note, I really like your writing. If you published a novel I’d read it in a heartbeat!)


    • Thank you so much. Unfortunately, I do feel like I have wasted my life. All I ever wanted was to be loved and I struck out. I would love to write a book, and have had many, many people encourage me to do just that. Maybe I’ll get lucky for once in my life and a publisher will read my blog. Again, thank you so much for your kind words.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s