Home » A Wasted Life » A Request For One Last Quilt From Loser

A Request For One Last Quilt From Loser

I haven’t made a quilt in three years.  The last one I made was for Loser (with the mastheads of all the newspapers where he had worked….the gift I gave him just hours before he told me about his attachment.)
Loser was actually brazen enough to ask me to make “one last quilt for him.”  He wanted one with the names of all of his “friends” on it.  He knew that I was not going to keep his name and he wanted “the last quilt signed bearing his name.”
While I was still a self-inducted member of my own fabricated Screen Actors Guild, I “promised” I would make it for him and the FOOL believed me.  How easily he can be played!  (How many times I have said that.)
Loser had been screwing his attachment for almost a year, had taken her home to meet “mommy,” had been parading her around all over the state and not only did HE FEEL ENTITLED ENOUGH TO ASK ME TO MAKE HIM A QUILT…HE FELT SO ENTITLED THAT HE ACTUALLY EXPECTED ME TO  DO IT.
Loser was missing the sensitivity chip.  Either that, or he only took it out when he was trying to impress his attachment.
It was going to be a cold day in Hell before he ever got anything from me, especially another one of my quilts. 
Yes, I made a promise and I broke it.  I refuse to allow myself to feel guilty in any way, shape or form or fashion.  I balance the “betrayal of my word” with the never-ending, unapologetic, whitewater, rapid flow of broken promises made to me over the years by Loser.
Lately, I have entertained the idea of making myself a “Mourning Quilt”…the kind of quilt that pioneer women put in the ground with their stillborn children or the Civil War women wrapped around the shattered and bloodied bodies of their men.
I started collecting quotes and sayings about “betrayal.”  I question my motives, however.  Would I actually display this quilt?  Would there be the same pride in this quilt that accompanied all the other ones?  Could it be viewed as more “therapy?”
Each piece of the quilt could potentially represent a band-aid.  I say band-aid because wounds never become invisible.  The deepest ones always leave horrific evidence but a band-aid covers the scar.
If I made it, maybe I could take it out periodically and read the different sayings.  Would they bring back a flood of emotions that I really don’t need to contemplate?  Maybe it would bring a smile to my face while I’m thinking “how far I’ve come from those dark and dismal days.”
Right now though, I can’t imagine that I would ever be able to reflect back to those “dark and dismal days” with a smile.
If any of you have a particular saying that you enjoy or is suitable, let me know.  I have seen several that I would like to “borrow.”  Some of them are moving, some are poignant and some are hilarious.  Here are a few.
•Sometimes I feel like the last cookie in the jar…all alone and broken.
•It takes a strong heart to love but it takes an even stronger heart to love after it’s been broken.
•Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to be able to stand back up taller than you ever were.
•TRUST is a fragile thing.  Easy to break, easy to lose and one of the hardest things to ever get back.
•Three things to never break in life: Trust, promises and hearts because when they break, they don’t make a lot of noise but they cause a lot of pain.
•Be careful who you trust.  Remember…the devil was once an angel.
•There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump puddles for you.
•The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.
•Sorry works when a mistake is made but not when trust is broken.
•The most damaging aspect of abuse is the trauma to our hearts and souls…from being betrayed by the person we loved and trusted the most.
•The most important thing a father can do for his children…is to love and respect their mother.
•The condition of a mans’ wife reflects to the world the kind of man he is.
•Did it hurt when you fell off of the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?
There are scads more.  I’m just not sure I can get beyond “entertaining the idea.”  Quilts, decorating, smiling….those are all things that I loved doing in the “before time.”
Since I have put everything behind me that reminds me of Loser…everything he ever gave me, all the movies we had watched together…the furniture we shared….my car that he had on occasion driven…I wonder if making a quilt would remind me of him.  The only thing I kept was his money.
I never watch soccer anymore.  I will absolutely NEVER watch D*** basketball again.  Loser and I had watched D*** play for forty years.  In the “after time,” Loser would always excitedly call me to talk at great length about that fucking team.  He couldn’t talk about making amends, though.  He referred to the team by saying “we’ve got this new recruit this year”…like he owned the team. 
I finally told him since he now had a “new D*** basketball watching buddy,” I didn’t care to talk about or hear anything about that stupid team.  He quietly said “well, I don’t have a new buddy, but we won’t talk about it anymore if you don’t want to.”  I don’t think it bothered him that I wasn’t interested.  I think it bothered him that he wasn’t going to be able to brag about something that made him feel important.
So, what’s the answer?  Should I allow Loser to control that part of my life, even though he would be controlling it by default?
Thinking about some future “distraction” is not something within my grasp right now.  I feel like I have already run the gamut.  I have painted, drawn, made clothes, quilts, built furniture, re-upholstered furniture, built walls, torn walls down, learned how to be an electrician, a plumber, and a roofer.  I have been a doctor, a chauffeur, a therapist, a chief cook and bottle washer, a pool cleaner, a lawn maintenance provider, a long-distance packer and mover, and a protector.
What else is there?

3 thoughts on “A Request For One Last Quilt From Loser

  1. Standing ovation and palm stinging applause. Maybe if you had helped the POS you were married to with his writing he would have been able to keep a job. Please make sure your children read this. You are mighty and you need to contribute comments on The Chump Lady site. Sorry there were so many assholes in your life. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

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