I requested a copy of J***s’ affidavit from my attorney and he hesitatingly said he would make one for me. I drove to his office to pick it up and as soon as I walked in, he said “you might not want to read this.” I was puzzled and asked him why.
He said “what J***s’ basically saying is…yeah, I’m a cad.…but it’s all her fault.” I thanked him and walked out to the parking lot. I glanced at the first page and started shaking so hard I was afraid I wouldn’t even be able to start my car. Even now as I reflect back, I am shaking and feel such a sense of rage that it is almost uncontrollable.
I could not believe what he had written. My attorney was right. He was blaming me for everything.
• He more or less portrayed me as this poor, pitiful, damaged, broken, starving little girl who he had tried to rescue and despite his valiant efforts, he could not save…but he did want a commendation for being able to provide me with something to eat.
(Wow. If the life I had with him was an attempt to rescue me, I’d hate to think what it would have been if he had tried to destroy me.)
• He wanted it made clear that “I was uneducated and HE was a D*** graduate.”
(Why I had NO value to him because I had no sheepskin is hard for me to grasp. Like I have said….having a degree doesn’t make you a worth-while or decent person…but I didn’t give him a reason to brag about me the way he brags about his attachment, did I?)
• He mentioned my expertise as a seamstress and a quilter but points out that I “chose not to market my work.”
(I guess I should have tried to “market my work” but I was a little busy….raising our children and running the “business” he called a marriage.)
• He credited me with “spending many years juggling schedules and dedicating my time to our children.”
(Yes, I did. He certainly couldn’t be bothered to take time away from work, or golf, or drinking or whoever was attached to him at the time.)
• He also credited me with being “extremely supportive and absolutely loyal to him.”
(Yes, I was…and I am the biggest fool who ever walked down the street.)
• He mentioned my “issues.”
(Yes, I had issues…with his obsession with work, his drinking and with his drunken mama. He tried to exonerate himself by blaming “hard feelings” that evolved from MY birth family experiences, which had an extremely negative effect on me. He conveniently remembers my childhood and uses it when it benefits him but he could never remember when he was treating me just like they did.)
• He mentioned slapping me but quickly adds that I slapped him….twice in “retribution.”
(He said that he had “deeply regretted it for 38 years, yet he never did apologize for it.)
• He stated that “verbal altercations had not been rare.” Then he said that although he was the loudest….“I LED THE WAY….he believes in emotional manipulation tactics which I learned from my abusive mother and unsympathetic sisters.”
• He said he only experienced anger from “frustration.”
(I guess when I missed the turn at the stop sign, it was SO frustrating, that he needed to scream at me. Well, I DID miss the turn, so I guess I “led the way” to that altercation. And, when he finally stumbled in from a night out, after I had begged him to stop driving after he had been drinking, it was apparently SO frustrating, that it caused an argument. I guess I “led the way” to that altercation as well.)
• He said I am “overwhelmed with a heightened sense of injustice from fears and demons that trace to my childhood.”
(Again, he conveniently remembers, recognizes and uses those “fears and demons” when it benefits him and allows a negative dispersion to be cast on to me.)
• He admitted that alcohol created “friction” between us and didn’t fail to disclose my “great disdain for any form of drinking.”
(FRICTION? He called the result of his love of alcohol….friction? He called throwing the car keys at me when I refused to allow him to drive after he had been drinking all night…friction? He called his “drunken” escapades….friction? It is incredible to me that he can continually temper his actions with the “friction excuse.”)
THIS REVELATION IS ALMOST MORE THAN I CAN BEAR.
• J*** said that he felt “he was primarily responsible for the ultimate dissolution of ‘this partnership.’ ” He also said that it was “primarily his obsessions with work, his inability to empathize adequately and his failure to demonstrate prominently his affection and love for his spouse and his family that has made it impossible for us to reach a lasting accord.” THEN, he went on to say….“I have come to believe that P**** (me) SHARES the responsibility.” He also blames his “immaturity and lack of commitment to the institution in spirit, as well as technically” for my criticism and disenchantment with him.
(His lack of maturity and commitment was my responsibility….how? How can I be responsible for a man who has absolutely no regard for the institution of marriage? He sure didn’t have a problem demonstrating his commitment to his attachment, even though he did cheat on her, too. His attachment has no regard for the institution of marriage either so they make a perfect pair. Do you think she’ll demand that he regards it when he marries her?)
• He said that we had many long, very difficult conversations, which in my view, should have provided answers and opened doors to some kind of reconciliation. He said the “differences in our views of life and existence had always been significant.”
(Yes. Our differences had always been significant. I never once proclaimed to be God. The many “long, very difficult conversations” were mostly him yelling at me when I interrupted him when he was on the computer….probably looking for B***. Maybe he thought when he was showering me with flowers and notes, it was a long, very difficult conversation.)
• He said “her memory of all things that happen, all things that were said, and…she has been convinced…all things that were meant” was in direct contrast with his inclination to focus on now and tomorrow.
(There it is again….his criticism of my despicable memory. His “inclination to focus on now and tomorrow” translates to his complete and total refusal to assume any responsibility…ever. It is far easier to forget, dismiss, disregard or deny anything of importance. If you find an attachment who is looking for her next meal-ticket and is ready, willing and able to “make you feel like a man” now and tomorrow, why worry about yesterday?)
• He said “I don’t know if either of us has learned very much from our different perspectives.”
(He didn’t learn anything. He was doing the same thing he had always done. He cheated on me. He cheated on his attachment. He’s the great J*** H***. He didn’t have to learn anything. He just moved on and left a path of destruction behind him that would rival the Gettysburg battlefield. Ah, but I certainly learned something. I learned that I had wasted almost my entire life on a man, who on his very best day was never even close to being good enough for me. He may be good enough for his attachment, but my standards are apparently much higher than hers. I know they are much higher than his.)
• He said “her seeking a divorce on the grounds of adultery is technically accurate in that after having reached a point of hopelessness, I ran across someone whose company I wanted to keep and whose company I may well continue to keep.” He mournfully said “loneliness for me, more as I age, is anathema. P**** knew this.” He went on to say that he wanted the divorce to be granted on the grounds of separation and for the record be as clear of personal information about either of us as the court could make possible.” He had to make it clear that “having been through his profession, the equivalent of a public figure in the area…at least in the perception of most people”, he wanted the records sealed.
(Poor J***. He felt so hopeless that he went to a bar and picked up a “regular” to ease his anathema…and it’s my fault because I knew how lonely he was. He wants the records sealed because he’s a “public figure.” If he was so concerned about the “perception of most people”…maybe he should have kept it in his pants…and also made sure that when it was out of his pants…the other person was disease free. Perhaps he could have even waited until he was divorced before he started prancing around like a Lothario….but then….he wouldn’t have been able to blame me for everything.)