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More Painful Losses

My relationship with K**** and B***** was becoming even more strained.  K**** didn’t like to be around me.  She said “you just look so sad.”  I understood.  I would call her and suggest that we go to lunch on one of her days off.  She would always say “that sounds good.”  I would tell her to give me a call and let me know when, but she never called.
J*** had come down for another visit and we met B***** and her children at Starbucks.
K**** and E* were going to show up later for lunch.  J*** and I were sitting outside, sharing a couple of smoothies.  I noticed that B***** had J***s’ contemptible, disgusted look on her face.  She didn’t say anything but she didn’t have to.  Her face said it all.
K**** and E* drove up.  I don’t think they were expecting to see us together.  We went into the restaurant and had lunch.  J*** and I were swapping things off of our plates, like we had always done.  I thought it was a good lunch and I enjoyed it.
Later, K**** blasted me and said that she was more uncomfortable than she had ever been in her life.  B***** added her two cents worth as well.  I asked both of them if it would have made them feel better if J*** and I had thrown plates at each other.
B*****s’ husband had made an excuse not to come.  He is a contradiction.  He was infuriated when he found out that I had given J*** a key to my house.  He said “he took your youth, he took your trust, he took your job and you’re giving him a key to your house!”
He said that to me, yet he opens their home to J*** and regularly keeps in touch with him.  I wonder if there were “rules” for J*** to be allowed to see his new granddaughter, that is if J*** had ever been interested in seeing her.  I would hazard a guess and say “no.”
T** and B***** had both “damned” me for essentially ruining their wedding pictures.  They said there “wasn’t one picture of you smiling.”  They didn’t know about J*** screaming at me when he told me to put I**** down, or when he had intentionally poked me, hoping he would wake me up or noticed the drunken insults he was slinging at me…and they wondered why I wasn’t smiling?
If I lived to be a thousand years old, I would never understand the double standards that some people have.
That was becoming a common theme.  Nobody cared if they hurt my feelings, made me mad or attacked everything I stood for…it was all about them.  They were becoming J*** H***.
I lived right in the heart of downtown M**** D***.  I used to walk downtown to just look around.  When we lived in F****** as a family, I used to drive there to go shopping.  I was sitting in a little cafe one day and a man came up and started talking to me.  I thought he was very nice.  We started meeting every few days and it was something that I looked forward to.  He was the most soft-spoken, gentle-natured man I had ever met.  Until I was divorced, I considered myself to be married and there was never going to be anything even remotely resembling a romantic gesture…not a kiss on the cheek or a touch of a hand.  Instead of finding fault with my views, he applauded them.  He told me that I was beautiful.  He made me feel like I had value.
I could see the potential for maybe having a future relationship with him.  Not wanting to do to somebody what had been done to me and being required by law, I divulged that I had Herpes.  He was very understanding and like J***s’ attachment, “thanked me for telling him.”  A few days later, he called and said that although it broke his heart, he couldn’t continue to see me.  He didn’t have Herpes and he didn’t want it.  Who would want that horrible disease?  I sure didn’t.
I told B***** about it and instead of being outraged or sympathetic, she said “well, mom.  That’s just something you’re going to have to deal with.”  Just something that I’m going to have to deal with?
What were my chances of finding a decent man who already had Herpes or who would cavalierly say “if you care enough, it doesn’t matter?”
I could walk into any bar or pool hall and pick up somebody who already had it and “didn’t care” but that was somebody elses’ strategy…not mine.  Or, if I was looking for somebody who could financially support me, I could hang out in bars or pool halls and hope that some pathetic, lonely schmuck would walk in, who was so desperate for companionship, it would be an even trade.  I’d get money and support and he’d get companionship and Herpes.  If a man is desperate enough, he’ll settle for ANYTHING.
Not long after that, was when I was talking to B***** on the phone and she hung up on me.  She never spoke to me again.  T** emailed me and attacked my character and then said “if this pisses you off, tough shit.”
I couldn’t take anymore…being chastised for not decorating, being damned for not smiling, being accused of wanting to keep living in “my dark place,” having my character assassinated, being accused of trying to break up J*** and his  attachment, being criticized for falling into a ditch, being hung up on and now, “just having to deal” with the fact that there was little to no possibility of ever having another relationship because J*** H*** HAD GIVEN ME A FUCKING DISEASE.
Losing B***** was almost unbearable.  She had been “my person.”  She could ask me anything and could tell me anything.  I always believed that she was the one child who understood what I had sacrificed through the years.  Now, she had clearly chosen J*** and his attachment.  That was fine.  They could “be there” for her now.
I decided to leave.  I put my house on the market and started making plans to get out of F******.
Right after that, I noticed a car started parking up the street.  I didn’t think much about it at first until I started seeing it all the time.  I finally decided to walk up and ask them if they were lost or something.  As soon as I got out of my gate, the car reversed and took off.  It was a nondescript car.  It wasn’t flashy and it wasn’t a junker.  It had heavily tinted windows and of course, had no tag.
This went on for weeks.  One night, at ten-thirty, I was sitting outside and a man walked up and said “hey, P****.”  It was not the “hello” kind of hey.  He asked me “how things were going for me.”  I got a little scared and went inside.  My son had been staying with me for a few weeks and I told him about it.  The next night, I thought I heard somebody walking around my house.  I decided that I was being paranoid but I mentioned that to my son, too.  He said that he had thought he had heard somebody in the yard the night before.
I went to the police and talked to them.  They said they didn’t believe it was a stalker because a stalker would walk right up to me or up to my door.  They believed it was a private detective.  They started driving by my house periodically.
I called my attorney and told him about it.  He told me to be “very careful.”  He said if somebody even suggests that you are committing adultery, that alimony is going to disappear before it ever starts.
He suggested that J*** was having me watched so that he could “get out of paying alimony.”  I told him that was ridiculous.
I said “J*** wouldn’t spend one dime trying to catch me doing what he’s doing because he KNOWS that I would never do what he’s doing.”  My attorney suggested “somebody else.”  I asked him who and he said “put it this way.  Every penny J*** doesn’t have to give to you, he can spend on somebody else.”  That was food for thought.
I was still getting messages, and now they were being accompanied by pictures of J*** with his attachments’ arm wrapped tightly around his.  The latest one said “just so you understand, he belongs to ME now.” 🙂  Hmm.
I was being followed to the dentist.  I was being followed to the doctor.  My email had been hacked.  My phone had been hacked.  One week-end I was on my way to get N**** for a “girls’ week-end.”  A car had followed me all the way to her house and was still behind me on the way home.  I pulled off the road real quick and then pulled back on and caught him at a red light.
I motioned for him to roll down his window.  I asked him why he was following me and he said “I thought I knew you.”  I asked him if he thought he knew me the last several weeks when he was following me.  He told me to “have a nice day” and quickly sped off.
I never found out who it was or what they wanted.  If somebody was trying to try to catch me committing adultery, they wasted a lot of money and was very disappointed.  The alimony “did not go away.”
I didn’t tell anybody that my house was on the market and since nobody ever came to see me, the “for sale” sign wasn’t going to be an issue.  My son and N**** knew and they were supportive.  They understood that I just had to get away from all the animosity….and the memories.
My sister and her boyfriend made another trip to F******.  I thought they had come to see me before I left.  They showed up and the first thing P**** said was “you look like a fucking skeleton.”  They spent the night and the next morning, I asked them if they wanted to go with me to have breakfast with N**** and I****.  P**** started acting nervous and said she didn’t think they’d have time.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that they had come down there to spend the week-end with B***** and T** and were on their way to their house.  They had used me for one nights’ stay because B***** had been on shift.  They couldn’t be bothered to see N**** or I****.  I guess, like me, they weren’t worth having anything to do with.
They spent the week-end with B***** and T**.  K**** and E* came over and they had a cook-out.
P**** couldn’t wait to call me on their way home, to tell me what a nice guy T** was, what a good cook he was, what a darling little girl B***** had, how much she liked B*****s’ nightgown and what a wonderful time they had.
I don’t think it ever occurred to her to try to imagine how that must have made me feel.

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